



^% -n^^ ^^ ^'-^J^^' "^ J^ 




















■•^v^. 



• <-c5:'^-^' . o 
























..V.>v 1 




^\- 



sr 


"v 


. ^^ ' 


/ 




°-!!^:. 




•O 






'?■ 






i 


0^ ^. 


''^^, 


o"^ ^ • • ' ' 













<^*' 






0' 




-^^0^ 

.^o. 



'^^'' <t.^^ "'c^ ^Mu^,^ ^0 



5.0. <J, 









',• 



■y-^. 



0°^ .'J^l>. °o 



. ^ 
















'^_ 



tf. 



^0 






O > 















„ V - - - - ^ - , n »>--*> 



--frV*' 




Oeigenal Advertisejients xi 

The Authoe's Apology 1 

Account of the Author 7 

Address to the Public 21 

BOOK I. 

CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILOSOPHIC SPECtTLATIONS, CONCERN- 
ING THE CREATION AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS CONNECTED WITH THE 
HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 

Chap. I. — Description of the World 29 

Chap. II.— Cosmogony, or Creation of the World ; with a multitude 
of excellent theories, bj which the creation of a world is shown to 
be no such difficult matter as common folk would imagine 38 

Chap. III. — How that famous navigator, Noah, was shamefully nick- 
named ; and how he committed an unpardonable oversight in not 
having four sons — With the great trouble of philosophers caused 
thereby, and the discovery of America 49 

Chap. IV. — Showing the great difficulty philosophers bave had in 
peopling America— and how the Aborigines came to be begotten 
by accident — to the great relief and satisfaction of the Author. . . 57 

Chap. Y.— In which the Author puts a mighty question to the rout, 
by the assistance of the Man in the Moon — which not only de- 
livers thousands of people from great embarrassment, but like- 
wise concludes this introductory book 65 



BOOK II. 

TREATING OP THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE OF NIEUW-NEDERLAKDT8. 

Chap. T. — In which are contained divers reasons why a man should 
not write in a hurry— Also of Master Hendrick Iludson, his dis- 



iv CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

covery of a strange country — and how he was magnificently re- 
warded by the munificence of their High Mightinesses 85 

Chap. II. — Containing an account of a mighty Ark which floated, 
under the protection of St. Nicholas, from Holland to Gibbet 
Island — the descent of the strange Animals therefrom — a great 
victory, and a description of the ancient village of Communipaw. 98 

Chap. III. — In which is set forth the true art of malcing a bargain 
together with the mii-aculous escape of a gi-eat Metropolis in a 
fog — and the biography of certain heroes of Communipaw 106 

Chap. IV. — How the heroes of Communipaw voyaged to HeU-gate, 

and how they were received there 115 

Chap. V. — How the heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat wiser 
than they went — and how the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream — and 
the dream that he dreamed 128 

Chap. VI. — Containing an attempt at etymology — and of the found- 
ing of the great city of New Amsterdam 134 

Chap. VII. — How the people of Pavonia migrated from Communi- 
paw to the island of Manna-hata — and how Oloffe the Dreamer 
proved himself a great land-speculator , 137 

Chap. VIII. — Of the founding and naming of the new city — of the 
City Arms ; and of the direful feud between Ten Breeches and 
Tough Breeches 141 

Chap. IX. — How the city of New Amsterdam waxed great under the 
protection of St. Nicholas and the absence of laws and statutes — 
how Oloffe the Dreamer begun to dream of an extension of Em- 
pire, and of the effect of his dreams 148 



BOOK III. 

IN ^VHICH tS EECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLEB. 

Chap. I. — Of the renowned WouterVanTwiller, his unparalleled vir- 
tues — as likewise his unutterable wisdom in the law-case of Wan- 
die Schoonhoven and Barent Bleecker — and the great admiration 
of the public thereat 158 

Chap. II. — Containing some account of the grand council of New 
Amsterdam, as also divers especial good philosophical reasons 
why an Alderman should be fat — with other particulars touching 
the state of the province 167 



CONTENTS. y 

PAGE 

Chap. III. — How the town of New Amsterdam arose out of mud, and 
came to be marvellously polished and polite — together with a pic- 
ture of the manners of our great-great-grandfatliers 179 

Chap. IV. — Containing farther particulars of the Golden Age, and 
what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman in the days of Wal- 
ter the Doubter 188 

Chap. V. — Of the founding of Fort Aurania — Of the mysteries of the 
Hudson — Of the arrival of the Patroon Killian Van Rensellaer ; 
his lordly descent upon the earth, and his introduction of club- 
law 195 

Chap. VI. — In which the reader is beguiled into a delectable walk, 

which ends very differently from what it commenced 199 

Chap. VII. — Faithfully describing the ingenious people of Connecti- 
cut and thereabouts — showing, moreover, the true meaning of 
liberty of conscience, and a curious device among these sturdy 
barbarians, to keep up a harmony of intercourse, and promote 
population 205 

Chap. VIII. — How these singular barbariaiis turned out to be noto- 
rious squatters. How they built air-castles, and attempted to 
initiate the Nederlanders in the mystery of bundling 213 

Chap. IX. — How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully beleaguered — how 
the renowned Wouter fell into a profound doubt, and how he 
finally evaporated 219 



BOOK IV. 

CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF TUB KEIGN OP WILLIAM THE TESTY. 

Chap. I. — Showing the nature of history in general ; — containing fur- 
thermore the universal acqviirements of William the Testy, and 
how a man may learn so nmch as to render himself good for 
nothing , 227 

Chap. II. — How William the Testy undertook to conquer by procla- 
mation — how he was a great man abroad, but a little man in his 
own house 234 

Chap. III. — In which are recorded the sage projects of a ruler of uni- 
versal genius — The art of fighting by proclamation — and liow 
that the valiant .lacobus Van Curlet came to be foully dishon- 
ored at Fort Goed Hoop 239 



\i CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

Chap. IV. — Containing the fearful wrath of William the Testy, and 
the alarm of New Amsterdam — how the Governor did strongly 
fortify the City — Of Antony the Trumpeter, and the windy ad- 
dition to the armorial bearings of New Amsterdam 345 

Chap. V. — Of the jurisprudence of William the Testy, and his admi- 
rable expedients for the suppression of poverty 251 

Chap. VI. — Projects of William the Testy for increasing the cur- 
rency — he is outwitted by the Yankees — The great Oyster War. . 357 

Chap. VII. — Growing discontents of New Amsterdam under the gov- 
ernment of William the Testy 263 

Chap. VIIL— The edict of William the Testy against Tobacco— Of 
the Pipe Plot, and the rise of Feuds and Parties 366 

Chap. IX. — Of tlie folly of being happy in the time of prosperity — Of 
troubles to the South brought on by annexation — Of the secret ex- 
pedition of Jansen Alpendam, and his magnificent reward 273 

Chap. X. — Troublous times on the Hudson — How KiUian Van Ren- 
sellaer erected a feudal castle, and how he introduced club-law 
into the province 377 

Chap. XI-. — Of the diplomatic mission of Antony the Trumpeter to 
the Portress of Rensellaerstein — and how he was puzzled by a 
cabalistic reply , 281 

Chap. XII. — Containing the rise of the great Amphictyonic Council 
of the Pilgrims, with the decline and final extinction of William 
the Testy .,, i 286 



BOOK V. 

CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER STUYVESANT, AND HI9 
TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHICTYONIC COUNCIL. 

Chap. I. — In which the death of a great man is shown to be no very 
inconsolable matter of sorrow — and how Peter Stuyvesant ac- 
quired a great name from the uncommon strength of his head . . . 293 

Chap. II. — Showing ho^ Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself 
among the rats and cobwebs on entering into office ; his inter- 
view with Antony the Trumpeter, and his perilous meddling with 
the currency 303 

Chap. III. — How the Yankee League waxed more and more potent ; 
and how it outwitted the good Peter in treaty-making 307 



CONTENTS. vii 

PAGE 

Chap. IV. — Containing divers speculations — showing ttiat a treaty of 
peace is a great national evil 31 i 

Chap. V. — How Peter Stuyvesant was grievously belied by the great 
council of the League ; and how he sent Antony the Trumpeter 
to take to the council a piece of his mind 323 

Chap. VI. — How Peter Stuyvesant demanded a court of honor — and 
what the court of honor awarded to him 329 

Chap. VII. — llow " Drum Ecclesiastic " was beaten throughout Con- 
necticut for a crusade against the New Netherlands, and how 
Peter Stuyvesant took measures to fortify his Capital 333 

Chap. VIII. — How the Yankee crusade against the New Netherlands 
was baffled by the sudden outbreak of witchcraft among the peo- 
ple of the East 339 

Chap. IX. — Which records the rise and renown of a Military Com- 
mander, showing that a man, like a bladder, may be puffed up 
to greatness by mere wind ; together witli the catastrophe of a 
veteran and his queue 345 

BOOK VI. 

CONTAINING THE SECOND PAKT OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE HEADSTRONG, AND HIS 
GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE. 

Chap. I. — In which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of the Great 
Peter — of the windy contest of General Van Poffenburgh and 
General Printz, and of the Mosquito War on the Delaware 355 

Chap. II. — Of Jan Risingh, his giantly person and ci-afty deeds ; and 
of the Catastrophe at Fort Casimir 363 

Chap. III. — Showing how profound secrets are often brought to 
light ; with the proceedings of Peter the Headstrong when he 
heard of the misfortunes of General Van Poffenburgh 371 

Chap. IV. — Containing Peter Stuyvcsant's Voyage up the Hudson, 

and the wonders and delights of that renowned river 380 

Chap. V. — Describing the powerful Army that assembled at the city 
of New Amsterdam — together with the interview between Peter 
the Headstrong and General Van Poffenburgh, and Peter's senti- 
ments touching unfortunate great men 389 

Chap. VI. — In which the Author discourses very ingeniously of him- 
self — after which is io be found much interesting history about 
Peter the Hcadstrons: and his followers 398 



^-- CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

Chap. VII. — Showing the great advantage that the Author has over 
his Reader in time of Battle — together with divers portentous 
movements ; which betol^en that something terrible is about to 
happen 40.0 

Chap. " VIII. — Containing the most horrible battle ever recorded in 
poetry or prose ; with the admirable exploits of Peter the Head- 
strong 417 

Chap. IX. — In which the Author and the Reader, while reposing 
after the battle, fall into a very grave discourse, after which is 
recorded the conduct of Peter Stuy vesant after his victory 430 



BOOK VII. 

CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN Or PETER THE HEADSTRONG — HIS TROU- 
BLES WITH THE BRITISH NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH 
DYNASTY. 

Chap. I. — How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the Sovereign People from 
the burden of taking care of the nation ; with sundry particulars 
of his conduct in the time of peace, and of the rise of a great 
Dutch aristocracy 441 

Chap. II. — How Peter Stuyvesant labored to civilize the community 
— how he was a great promoter of holidays — how he instituted 
kissing on New- Year's Day — how he distributed fiddles through- 
out the New Netherlands — how he ventured to reform the Ladies' 
petticoats, and how he caught a Tartar 449 

Chap. III. — How troubles thicken on the province — how it is threat- 
ened .by the Helderbergers — The Merrylanders, and the Giants of 
the Susquehanna 455 

Chap. IV. — How Peter Stuyvesant adventured into the East Coun- 
try, and how he fared there 459 

Chap. V. — How the Yankees secretly sought the aid of the British 
Cabinet in their hostile schemes against the Manhattoes 467 

Chap. VI.' — Of Peter Stuyvesant's expedition into the East Country, 

showing that, though an old bird, he did not understand trap . . . 470 

Chap. VII. — How the people of New Amsterdam were thrown into a 
great panic, by the news of the threatened invasion ; and the 
manner in which they fortified tJiem,3elves 476 



CONTENTS. ix 

PAGE 

Chap. VIIL — How the Grand Council of the New Netherlands were 
miraculously gifted with long tongues in the moment of emer- 
gency — showing the value of words in warfare 481 

Chap. IX. — In which the troubles of New Amsterdam appear to 
thicken — showing the bravery in time of peril, of a people who 
defend themselves by resolutions 486 

Chap. X. — Containing a doleful disaster Of Antony the Trumpeter — 
and how Peter Stuyvesant like a second Cromwell, suddenly dis- 
solved a Rump Parliament 496 

Chap. XI. — How Peter Stuyvesant defended the city of New Am- 
sterdam for several days bv dint of the strength of his head. . . . 503 

Chap. XII. — Containing the lignifled retirement, and mortal surren- 
der of Peter the Headstrong 511 

Chap. XIII. — The Author's reflections upon what has been said 519 



NOTICES 

^THICH APPEARED IN THE NEWSPAPERS PREVIOUS TO 
THE PUBLICATION OF THIS WORK. 



From the Evening Post of October 26, 1809. 
DISTRESSING. 

Left his lodgings, some time since, and has not since been heard of, a 
small elderly gentleman, dressed in an old black coat and cocked hat, by 
the name of Knickerbocker. As there are some reasons for believing ho 
is not entirely in his right mind, and as great anxiety is entertained about 
him, any information concerning him left either at the Columbian Hotel, 
Mulberry Street, or at the office of tliis paper, will be thankfully received. 

P. S. Printers of newspapers would be aiding the cause of humanity 
in giving an insertion to the above. 



From the same, November 6, 1809. 

To the Editor of the Evening Post : 

Sir, — Having read in your i)aper of the 26th October last, a paragraph 
respecting an old gentleman by the name of Knickerbocker, who was 
missing from his lodgings ; if it would be any relief to his friends, or fur- 
nish them with any clue to discover where he is, you may inform them 
that a person answering the description given, was seen by the i)assengers 
of the Albany stage, early in the morning, about four or Ave weeks since, 
resting himself by the side of the road, a little above King's Bridge. He 
had in his hand a small buntlle, tied in a red bandana handkerchief ; he 
appeared lo be travelling northward, and was very much fatigued and 
exhausted. 

A TRAVELLER. 



From the same, November 16, 1809. 

To the Editor of the Evening Post : 

Sir, — You have been good enough to publish in your paper a paragraph 
about Mr. Diedrich Knickerbocker, wlio was missing so strangely some 

si 



xii NOTICES. 

time since. Nothing satisfactory has been heard of the old gentleman 
since ; but a very curious kind of a written, book has been found in his 
room, in his own handwriting. Now I wish you to notice him, if he is 
still alive, that if he does not return and pay off his bill for boarding and 
lodging, I shall have to dispose of his book to satisfy me for the same. 
I am, sir, your humble servant, 

SETH HAND ASIDE, 
Landlord of the Independent Columbian Hotel, Mulberry Streeto 



From the same, November 28, 1809. 

LITERARY NOTICE. 

Inskeep & Bradford have in press, and will shortly publish, 

. A HISTORY OP NEW YORK, 

In two volumes, duodecimo. Price Three Dollars. 

Containing an account of its discovery and settlement, with its internal 
policies, manners, customs, wars, &c., &c., under the Dutch government, 
furnishing many curious and interesting particular never before pub- 
lished, and which are gathered from various manuscript and other 
authenticated sources, the whole being interspersed with philosophical 
speculations and moral precepts. 

This work was found in the chamber of Mr. Diedrich Knickerbocker, 
tiic old gentleman whose sudden and mysterious disappearance has been 
noticed. It is published in order to discharge certain debts he has lei/ 
behind. 



From tJw American Citizen, December 6, 1809. 

Is this day published 

By Inskeep & Bradford, No. 128 Broadway. 

A HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

&c., &c. 

(Containing same as above.) 





HE following work, in which, at the outset, 
nothing more was contemplated than a tem- 
porary je^i d" esprit, was commenced in company 
with my brother, the late Peter Irving, Esq. Our idea 
was, to parody a small handbook which had recently 
appeared, entitled "A Picti;re of New York." Like 
that, our work was to begin v/ith an historical sketch ; 
to be followed by notices of the customs, manners, and 
institutions of the city ; written in a serio-comic vein, 
and treating local errors, follies, and abuses with good- 
humored satire. 

To burlesque the pedantic lore displayed iu certain 
American works, our historical sketch was to commence 
with the creation of the world ; and we laid all kinds 
of works under contribution for trite citations, relevant, 
or irrelevant, to give it the proper air of learned re- 
search. Before this crude mass of mock erudition could 
be digested into form, my brother departed for Europe, 
and I was left to prosecute the enterprise alone. 

I now altered the plan of the work. Discarding all 
idea of a parody on the "Picture of New York," I 
1 1 



2 THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. 

determined that wliat had been originally intended as 
an introductory sketch, should comprise the whole work, 
and form a comic history of the city. I accordingly 
moulded the mass of citations and disquisitions into 
introductory chapters, forming the first book; but it 
soon became evident to me, that, like Robinson Crusoe 
with his boat, I had begun on too large a scale, and that, 
to launch my history successfully, I must reduce its pro- 
portions. I accordingly resolved to confine it to the 
period of the Dutch domination, which, in its rise, prog- 
ress, and decline, presented that unity of subject re- 
quired by classic rule. It was a period, also, at that 
time almost a terra incogiiita in history. In fact, I was 
surprised to find how few of my fellow-citizens were 
aware that New York had ever been called New Amster- 
dam, or had heard of the names of its early Dutch 
governors, or cared a straw about their ancient Dutch 
progenitors. 

This, then, broke upon me as the poetic age of our 
city ; poetic from its very obscurity ; and open, like the 
early and obscure days of ancient Rome, to all the em- 
bellishments of heroic fiction. I hailed my native city, 
as fortunate above all other American cities, in hav- 
ing an antiquity thus extending back into the regions 
of doubt and fable ; neither did I conceive I was com- 
mitting any grievous historical sin in helping out the few 
facts I could collect in this remote and forgotten region 
with figments of my own brain, or in giving characteris- 



THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. 3 

tic attributes to the few names connected with it which 
I might dig up from oblivion. 

In this, doubtless, I reasoned like a young and inex- 
perienced writer, besotted with his own fancies ; and my 
presumptuous trespasses into this sacred, though neg- 
lected region of history have met with deserved rebuke 
from men of soberer minds. It is too late, however, to 
recall the shaft thus rashly launched. To any one 
whose sense of fitness it may wound, I can only say 
with Hamlet, — 

Let my disclaiming from a purposed evil 
Free me so far in your most generous thoughts. 
That I have shot my an'ow o'er the house. 
And hurt my brother. 

I will say this in further apology for my work : that, 
if it has taken an unwarrantable liberty with our early 
provincial history, it has at least turned attention to that 
history and provoked research. It is only since this 
work appeared that the forgotten archives of the prov- 
ince have been rummaged, and the facts and personages 
of the olden time rescued from the dust of oblivion, and 
elevated into whatever importance they may virtually 
possess. 

The main object of my work, in fact, had a bearing 
wide from the sober aim of history ; but one which, I 
trust, will meet with some indulgence from poetic minds. 
It was to embody the traditions of our city in an amus- 



4 THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. 

ing form ; to illustrate its local humors, customs, and 
peculiarities ; to clothe home scenes and places and 
familiar names with those imaginative and whimsical 
associations so seldom met with in our new country, 
but which live like charms and spells about the cities 
of the old world, binding the heart of the native in- 
habitant to his home. 

In this I have reason to believe I have in some meas- 
ure succeeded. Before the appearance of my work the 
popular traditions of our city were unrecorded ; the 
peculiar and racy customs and usages derived from our 
Dutch progenitors were unnoticed or regarded with in- 
difference, or adverted to with a sneer. Now they form 
a convivial currency, and are brought forward on all 
occasions ; they link our whole community together in 
good-humor and good fellowship ; they are the rallying 
points of home feeling, the seasoning of our civic festivi- 
ties, the staple of local tales and local pleasantries, and 
are so harped upon by our writers of popular fiction, 
that I find myself almost crowded off the legendary 
ground which I was the first to explore, by the host who 
have followed in my footsteps. 

I dwell on this head, because, at the first appearance 
of my work, its aim and drift were misapprehended by 
some of the descendants of the Dutch worthies ; and 
because I understand that now and then one may still 
be found to regard it with a captious eye. The far 
greater part, however, I have reason to flatter myself. 



TEE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. . 5 

receive my good-liumored picturings in the same temper 
in which tl^ey were executed ; and when I find, after a 
lapse of nearly forty years, this hap-hazard production of 
my youth still cherished among them, — when I find its 
very name become a "household word " and used to give 
the home stamp to everything recommended for popular 
acceptation, such as Knickerbocker societies, Knicker- 
bocker insurance companies, Knickerbocker steamboats, 
Knickerbocker omnibuses, Knickerbocker bread, and 
Knickerbocker ice, — and when I find New Yorkers of 
Dutch descent priding themselves upon being "genuine 
Knickerbockers," — I please myself with the persuasion 
that I have struck the right chord ; that my dealings 
with the good old Dutch times, and the customs and 
usages derived from them, are in harmony with the 
feelings and humors of my townsmen ; that I have 
opened a vein of pleasant associations and quaint char- 
acteristics peculiar to my native place, and which its 
inhabitants will not willingly sufier to pass away ; and 
that, though other histories of New York may appear of 
higher claims to learned acceptation, and may take their 
dignified and appropriate rank in the family library, 
Knickerbocker's history will still be received with good- 
humored indulgence, and be thumbed and chuckle d over 
by the family fireside. W. I. 





T was some time, if I recollect right, in the early 
part of the autumn of 1808, that a stranger ap- 
plied for lodgings at the Independent Colum- 
bian Hotel in Mulberry Street, of which I am landlord. 
He was a small, brisk-looking old gentleman, dressed in 
a rusty black coat, a pair of olive velvet breeches, and 
a small cocked hat. He had a few gray hairs plaited and 
clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be of some 
eight-and-forty hours' growth. The only piece of finery 
which he bore about him was a bright pair of square 
silver shoe-buckles ; and all his baggage was contained 
in a pair of saddle-bags, which he carried under his 
arm. His whole appearance was something out of tlie 
common run ; and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, 
at once set him down for some eminent country school- 
master. 

As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small 
house, I was a little puzzled at first where to put him ; 
but my wife, who seemed taken with his looks, would 
needs put him in her best chamber, which is genteelly set 
off with the profiles of the whole family, done in black, 

7 



8 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 

by those two great painters, Jarvis and Wood ; and com- 
mands a very pleasant view of the new grounds on the 
Collect, together with the rear of the Poor-House and 
Bridewell, and a full front of the Hospital ; so that it is 
the cheerfullest room in the whole house. 

During the whole time that he stayed with us, we found 
him a very worthy good sort of an old gentleman, though 
a little queer in his ways. He would keep in his room 
for days together, and if any of the children cried, or 
made a noise about his door, he would bounce out in a 
great passion, with his hands full of papers, and say 
something about " deranging his ideas " ; which made my 
wife believe sometimes that he was not altogether comj)os. 
Indeed, there was more than one reason to make her 
think so, for his room was always covered with scraps of 
paper and old mouldy books, laying about at sixes and 
sevens, which he would never let anybody touch ; for he 
said he had laid them all away in their proper places, so 
that he might know where to find them ; though for that 
matter, he was half his time worrying about the house in 
search of some book or writing which he had carefully 
put out of the way. I shall never forget what a pother 
he once made, because my wife cleaned out his room 
when his back was turned, and put everything to rights ; 
for he swore he would never be able to get his papers in 
order again in a twelvemonth. Upon this, my wife ven- 
tured to ask him what he did with so many books and 
papers ; and he told her that he was " seeking for immor- 



ACCOUNT OF TEE AUTHOR. 9 

tality " ; whicli made her think more than ever that the 
poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked. 

He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his 
room, was continually poking about town, hearing all the 
news, and prying into everything that was going on : this 
was particularly the case about election time, when he 
did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, attending 
all ward meetings, and committee rooms ; though I could 
never find that he took part with either side of the ques- 
tion. On the contrary, he would come home and rail at 
both parties with great wrath, — and plainly proved one 
day, to the satisfaction of my wife and three old ladies 
who were drinking tea with her, that the two parties were 
like two rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the nation ; 
and that in the end they would tear the very coat off its 
back, and expose its nakedness. Indeed, he was an or- 
acle among the neighbors, who would collect around him 
to hear him talk of an afternoon, as he smoked his pipe 
on the bench before the door ; and I really believe he 
would have brought over the whole neighborhood to his 
own side of the question, if they could ever have found 
out what it was. 

He was very much given to argue, or, as he called it, 
philosophize, about the most trifling matter ; and to do him 
justice, I never knew anybody that was a match for him, 
except it was a grave-looking old gentleman who called 
now and then to see him, and often posed him in an argu- 
ment. But this is nothing surprising, as I have since 



10 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOB. 

found out this stranger is the city librarian ; "who, of 
course, must be a man of great learning : and I have my 
doubts if he had not some hand in the following history. 

As our lodger had been a long time with us, and we 
had never received any pay, my wife began to be some- 
what uneasy, and curious to find out who and what he 
was. She accordingly made bold to put the question to 
his friend, the librarian, who replied in his dry way that 
he was one of the literati, which she supposed to mean 
some new party in politics. I scorn to push a lodger for 
his pay ; so I let day after day pass on without dunning 
the old gentleman for a farthing : but my wife, who always 
takes these matters on herself, and is, as I said, a shrewd 
kind of a woman, at last got out of patience, and hinted 
that she thought it high time "some people should have 
a sight of some people's money." To which the old gen- 
tleman replied, in a mighty touchy manner, that she need 
not make herself uneasy, for that he had a treasure there, 
(pointing to his saddle-bags,) worth her whole house put 
together. This was the only answer we could ever get 
from him ; and as my wife, by some of those odd ways in 
which women find out everything, learnt that he was of 
very great connections, being related to the Knicker- 
bockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousin-german to the con- 
grassman of that name, she did not like to treat him 
uncivilly. What is more, she even ofiered, merely by 
way of making things easy, to let him live scot-free, if he 
would teach the children their letters ; and to try her 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. H 

best and get her neiglibors to send their children also: 
but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, and 
seemed so affronted at being taken for a schoolmaster, 
that she never dared to speak on the subject again. 

About two months ago, he went out of a morning, with 
a bundle in his hand, and has never been heard of since. 
All kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. 
I ^^-rote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for 
answer, that he had not been there since the year before 
last, when he had a great dispute with the congressman 
about politics, and left the place in a huff, and they had 
neither heard nor seen anything of him from that time to 
this. I must own I felt very much worried about the 
poor old gentleman, for I thought something bad must 
have happened to him, that he should be missing so long, 
and never return to pay his bill. I therefore advertised 
him in the newspapers, and though my melancholy adver- 
tisement was published by several humane printers, yet 
I have never been able to learn anything satisfactory 
about him. 

My wife now said it was high time to take care of our- 
selves, and see if he had left anything behind in his room, 
that would pay us for his board and lodging. We found 
nothing, however, but some old books and musty writ- 
ings, and his saddle-bags ; which, being opened in the 
presence of the librarian, contained only a few articles of 
worn-out clothes, and a large bundle of blotted paper. 
On looking over this, the librarian told us he had no 



12 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 

doubt it was the treasure which the old gentleman had 
spoken about ; as it proved to be a most excellent and 
faithful History of New York, which he advised us by 
all means to publish, assuring us that it would be so 
eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that he had 
no doubt it would be enough to pay our arrears ten times 
over. Upon this we got a very learned schoolmaster, 
who teaches our children, to prepare it for the press, 
which he accordingly has done ; and has, moreover, add- 
ed to it a number of valuable notes of his own. 

This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons for 
having this work printed, without waiting for the consent 
of the author ; and I here declare, that, if he ever returns, 
(though I much fear some unhappy accident has befallen 
him,) I stand ready to account with him like a true and 
honest man. Which is all at present, 

From the public's humble servant, 

Seth Handaside. 

Independent Columbian Hotel, New York. 

The foregoing account of the author was prefixed to 
the first edition of this work. Shortly after its publica- 
tion, a letter was received from him, by Mr. Handaside, 
dated at a small Dutch village on the banks of the Hud- 
son, whither he had travelled for the purpose of inspect- 
ing certain ancient records. As this was one of those 
few and happy villages into which newspapers never find 
their way, it is not a matter of surprise that Mr. Knicker- 
bocker should never have seen the numerous advertise- 



ACCOUNT OF TEE AUTHOR. 13 

ments that were made concerning liim, and that he should 
learn of the publication of his history by mere accident. 

He expressed much concern at its premature appear- 
ance, as thereby he was prevented from making several 
important corrections and alterations, as well as from 
profiting by many curious hints which he had collected 
during his travels along the shores of the Tappan Sea, 
and his sojourn at Haverstraw and Esoj)us. 

Finding that there was no longer any immediate neces- 
sity for his return to New York, he extended his journey 
up to the residence of his relations at Scaghtikoke. On 
his way thither he stopped for some days at Albany, for 
which city he is known to have entertained a great par- 
tiality. He found it, however, considerably altered, and 
was much concerned at the inroads and improvements 
which the Yankees were making, and the consequent de- 
cline of the good old Dutch manners. Indeed, he was 
informed that these intruders were making sad innova- 
tions in all parts of the State ; where they had given 
great trouble and vexation to the regular Dutch settlers 
by the introduction of turnpike-gates, and country school- 
houses. It is said, also, that Mr. Knickerbocker shook 
his head sorrowfully at noticing the gradual decay of the 
great Vander Heyden palace ; but was highly indignant at 
finding that the ancient Dutch church, which stood in 
the middle of the street, had been pulled down since his 
last visit. 

The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's history having reach- 



14 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 

ed even to Albany, lie received mucli flattering atten- 
tion from its worthy burghers, some of whom, however, 
pointed out two or three very great errors he had fallen 
into, particularly that of suspending a lump of sugar 
over the Albany tea-tables, which, they assured him, 
had been discontinued for some years past. Several 
families, moreover, were somewhat piqued that their an- 
cestors had not been mentioned in his work, and showed 
great jealousy of their neighbors who had thus been 
distinguished ; while the latter, it must be confessed, 
plumed themselves vastly thereupon ; considering these 
recordings in the light of letters-patent of nobility, es- 
tablishing their claims to ancestry, — which, in this re- 
publican country, is a matter of no little solicitude and 
vainglory. 

It is also said, that he enjoyed high favor and counte- 
nance from the governor, who once asked him to dinner, 
and was seen two or three times to shake hands with 
him, when they met in the streets ; which certainly was 
going great lengths, considering that they differed in 
politics. Indeed, certain of the governor's confidential 
friends, to whom he could venture to speak his mind 
freely on such matters, have assured us, that he pri- 
vately entertained a considerable good will for our au- 
thor, — nay, he even once went so far as to declare, and 
that openly too, and at his own table, just after dinner, 
that " Knickerbocker was a very well-meaning sort of an 
old gentleman, and no fool." From all which many have 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 15 

been led to suppose that, had our author been of differ- 
ent politics, and written for the newspapers instead of 
wasting his talents on histories, he might have risen to 
some post of honor and profit, — peradventure, to be a 
notary-public, or even a justice in the ten-pound court. 

Beside the honors and civilities already mentioned, 
he was much caressed by the literati of Albany ; partic- 
ularly by Mr. John Cook, who entertained him very 
hospitably at his circulating library and reading-room, 
where they used to drink Spa water, and talk about 
the ancients. He found Mr. Cook a man after his own 
heart, — of great literary research, and a curious collector 
of books. At parting, the latter, in testimony of friend- 
ship, made him a present of the two oldest works in his 
collection ; which were the earliest edition of the Hei- 
delberg Catechism, and Adr'an Vander Donck's famous 
account of the New Netherlands : by the last of which, 
Mr. Knickerbocker profited greatly in his second edition. 

Having passed some time very agreeably at Albany, 
our author proceeded to Scaghtikoke, where, it is but 
justice to say, he was received with open arms, and 
treated with wonderful loving-kindness. He was much 
looked up to by the family, being the first historian of 
the name ; and was considered almost as great a man 
as his cousin the congressman, — with whom, by the by, 
he became perfectly reconciled, and contracted a strong 
friendship. 

In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations and 



16 ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 

their great attention to his comforts, the old gentleman 
soon became restless and discontented. His history 
being published, he had no longer any business to oc- 
cupy his thoughts, or any scheme to excite his hopes 
and anticipations. This, to a busy mind like his, was 
a truly deplorable situation ; and, had he not been a man 
of inflexible morals and regular habits, there would have 
been great danger of his taking to politics, or drinking, 
— both which pernicious vices we daily see men driven 
to by mere spleen and idleness. 

It is true, he sometimes employed himself in preparing 
a second edition of his history, wherein he endeavored to 
correct and improve many passages with which he was 
dissatisfied, and to rectify some mistakes that had crept 
into it; for he was particularly anxious that his work 
should be noted for its authenticity ; which, indeed, is 
the very life and soul of history. But the glow of com- 
position had departed, — he had to leave many places un- 
touched, which he would fain have altered ; and even 
where he did make alterations, he seemed always in 
doubt whether they were for the better or the worse. 

After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke, he began 
to feel a strong desire to return to New York, which he 
ever regarded with the warmest affection ; not merely be- 
cause it was his native city, but because he really consid- 
ered it the very best city in the whole world. On his 
return, he entered into the full enjoyment of the advan- 
tages of a literary reputation. He was continually impor- 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOB. 17 

tuned to wtite advertisements, petitions, handbills, and 
productions of similar import ; and, although he never 
meddled with the public papers, yet had he the credit of 
writing innumerable essays, and smart things, that ap- 
peared on all subjects, and all sides of the question ; in 
all which he was clearly detected " by his style." 

He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt at the 
post-office, in consequence of the numerous letters he 
received from authors and printers soliciting his sub- 
scription, and he was applied to by every charitable 
society for yearly donations, which he gave very cheer- 
fully, considering these applications as so many compli- 
ments: He was once invited to a great corporation din- 
ner ; and was even twice summoned to attend as a juryman 
at the court of quarter sessions. Indeed, so renowned 
did he become, that he could no longer pry about, as 
formerly, in all holes and corners of the city, according to 
the bent of bis humor, unnoticed and uninterrupted ; but 
several times when he has been sauntering the streets, 
on his usual rambles of observation, equipped with his 
cane and cocked hat, the little boys at play have been 
known to cry, " There goes Diedrich ! " — at which the 
old gentleman seemed not a little pleased, looking upon 
these salutations in the light of the praise of posterity. 

In a word, if we take into consideration all these vari- 
ous honors and distinctions, together with an exuberant 
eulogium passed on him in the Port Folio, — (with which, 
we are told, the old gentleman was so much overpowered, 
2 



18 ACCOUNT OF TEE AUTHOB. 

that he was sick for two or three days,) — it must be con- 
fessed, that few authors have ever lived to receive such 
illustrious rewards, or have so completely enjoyed in 
advance their own immortality. 

After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knickerbocker 
took up his residence at a little rural retreat, which the 
Stuyvesants had granted him on the family domain, in 
gratitude for his honorable mention of their ancestor. 
It was pleasantly situated on the borders of one of the 
salt marshes beyond Corlear's Hook ; subject, indeed, to 
be occasionally overflowed, and much infested, in the 
summer time, with mosquitoes ; but otherwise very 
agreeable, producing abundant crops of salt grass and 
bulrushes. 

Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell 
dangerously ill of a fever, occasioned by the neighboring 
marshes. When he found his end approaching, he dis- 
posed of his worldly affairs, leaving the bulk of his for- 
tune to the New York Historical Society ; his Heidelberg 
Catechism, and Vander Donck's work to the city library ; 
and his saddle-bags to Mr. Hanaside. He forgave all his 
enemies, — that is to say, all who bore any enmity towards 
him ; for as to himself, he declared he died in good will 
with all the world. And, after dictating several kind 
messages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as to 
certain of our most substantial Dutch citizens, he ex- 
pired in the arms of his friend the librarian. 

His remains were interred, according to his own re- 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 19 

quest, in St. Mark's churchyard, close by the bones 
of his favorite hero, Peter Stuyvesant; and it is ru- 
mored, that the Historical Society have it in mind to 
erect a wooden monument to his memory in the Bowling 
Green. 



To THE Public. 



O rescue from oblivion the memory of former in- 
cidents, and to render a just tribute of renown 
to the many great and wonderful transactions 
of our Dutch progenitors, Diedrich Knickerbocker, native 
of the city of New York, produces this historical essay."* 
Like the great Father of History, whose words I have 
just quoted, I treat of times long past, over which the 
twilight of uncertainty had already thrown its shadows, 
and the night of forgetfulness was about to descend for- 
ever. With great solicitude had I long beheld the early 
history of this venerable and ancient city gradually slip- 
ping from our grasp, trembling on the lips of narrative 
old age, and day by day dropping piecemeal into the 
tomb. In a little while, thought I, and those reverend 
Dutch burghers, who serve as the tottering monuments of 
good old times, will be gathered to their fathers ; their 
children, engrossed by the empty pleasures or insignifi- 
cant transactions of the present age, will neglect to treas- 
ure up the recollections of the past, and posterity will 
search in vain for memorials of the days of the Patri- 

* Beloe's Herodotus. 

21 



22 TO THE PUBLIC. 

arclis. The origin of our city will be buried in eternal 
oblivion, and even the names and achievements of Wou- 
ter Van Twiller, William Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant, be 
enveloped in doubt and fiction, like those of Romulus 
and Remus, of Charlemagne, King Arthur, Rinaldo, and 
Godfrey of Bologne. 

Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threat- 
ened misfortune, I industriously set myself to work, to 
gather together all the fragments of our infant history 
which still existed, and like my reverend prototype, He- 
rodotus, where no written records could be found, I have 
endeavored to continue the chain of history by well-au- 
thenticated traditions. 

In this arduous undertaking, which has been the whole 
business of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the 
number of learned authors I have consulted ; and all but 
to little purpose. Strange as it may seem, though such 
multitudes of excellent works have been written about 
this country, there are none extant which gave any full 
and satisfactory account of the early history of New 
York, or of its three first Dutch governors. I have, how- 
ever, gained much valuable and curious matter, from 
an elaborate manuscript written in exceeding pure and 
classic Low Dutch, excepting a few errors in orthography, 
which was found in the archives of the Stuyvesant 
family. Many legends, letters, and other documents have 
I likewise gleaned, in my researches among the family 
chests and lumber-garrets of our respectable Dutch citi- 



TO THE PUBLIC. 23 

zens ; and I have gatliered a host of well-authenticated 
traditions from divers excellent old ladies of my acquaint- 
ance, who requested that their names might not be men- 
tioned. Nor must I neglect to acknowledge how greatly 
I have been assisted by that admirable and praiseworthy 
institution, the New York Historical Society, to which I 
here publicly return my sincere ackno^vledgments. 

In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted 
no individual model ; but, on the contrary, have simply 
contented myself with combining and concentrating the 
excellences of the most approved ancient historians. 
Like Xenophon, I have maintained the utmost impartial- 
ity, and the strictest adherence to truth throughout my 
history. I have enriched it after the manner of Sallust, 
with various characters of ancient worthies, drawn at full 
length, and faithfully colored. I have seasoned it with 
profound political speculations like Thucydides, sweet- 
ened it with the graces of sentiment like Tacitus, and in- 
fused into the whole the dignity, the grandeur, and mag- 
nificence of Livy. 

I am aware that I shall incur the censure of numerous 
very learned and judicious critics, for indulging too fre- 
quently in the bold excursive manner of my favorite 
Herodotus. And to be candid, I have found it impossible 
always to resist the allurements of those pleasing epi- 
sodes which, like flowery banks and fragrant bowers, be- 
set the dusty road of the historian, and entice him to 
turn aside, and refresh himself from his wayfaring. But 



24 TO TEE PUBLIC. 

I trust it will be found that I have always resumed my 
staff, and addressed myself to my weary journey with re- 
novated spirits, so that both my readers and myself have 
been benefited by the relaxation. 

Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and uni- 
form endeavor to rival Polybius himself, in observing the 
requisite unity of history, yet the loose and unconnected 
manner in which many of the facts herein recorded have 
come to hand, rendered such an attempt extremely diffi- 
cult. This difficulty was likewise increased by one of the 
grand objects contemplated in my work, which was to 
trace the rise of sundry customs and institutions in this 
best of cities, and to compare them, when in the germ of 
infancy, with what they are in the present old age of 
knowledge and improvement. 

But the chief merit on which I value myself, and found 
my hypes for future regard, is that faithful veracity with 
which I have compiled this invaluable little work; care- 
fully winnowing away the chaff of hypothesis, and dis- 
carding the tares of fable, which are too apt to spring up 
and choke the seeds of truth and wholesome knowledge. 
Had I been anxious to captivate the superficial throng, 
who skim like swallows over the surface of literature ; or 
had I been anxious to commend my writings to the pam- 
pered palates of literary epicures, I might have availed 
myself of the obscurity that overshadows the infant years 
of our city, to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions. 
But I have scrupulously discarded many a pithy tale and 



TO THE PUBLIC. 25 

marvellous adventure, wliereby the drowsy ear of sum- 
mer indolence might be enthralled ; jealously maintaining 
that fidelity, gravity, and dignity, which should ever dis- 
tinguish the historian. "For a writer of this class," ob- 
serves an elegant critic, "must sustain the character of a 
wise man, writing for the instruction of posterity ; one 
who has studied to inform himself well, who has pon- 
dered his subject with care, and addresses himself to our 
judgment, rather than to our imagination." 

Thrice haj^py, therefore, is this our renowned city in 
having incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history ; 
and doubly thrice happy is it in having such an historian 
as myself to relate them. For after all, gentle reader, 
cities of themselves, and, in fact, empires of themselves, are 
nothing without an historian. It is the patient narrator 
who records their prosperity as they rise, — who blazons 
forth the splendor of their noon-tide meridian, — who 
props their feeble memorials as they totter to decay, — 
who gathers together their scattered fragments as they 
Tot, — and who piously, at length, collects their ashes into 
the mausoleum of his work and rears a monument that 
will transmit their renown to all succeeding ages. 

What has been the fate of many fair cities of antiquity, 
whose nameless ruins encumber the plains of Euroj)e and 
Asia, and awaken the fruitless inquiry of the traveller ? 
They have sunk into dust and silence, — they have per- 
ished from remembrance for want of an historian ! The 
philanthropist may weep over their desolation, — the poet 



26 TO THE PUBLIC. 

may wander among their mouldering arches and broken 
columns, and indulge the visionary flights of his fancy, — 
but, alas ! alas ! the modern historian, whose pen, like 
my own, is doomed to confine itself to dull matter-of-fact, 
seeks in vain among their oblivious remains for some 
memorial that may tell the instructive tale of their glory 
and their ruin. 

"Wars, conflagrations, deluges," says Aristotle, "de- 
stroy nations, and with them all their monuments, their 
discoveries, and their vanities. The torch of science has 
more than once been extinguished and rekindled ; — a few 
individuals, who have escaped by accident, reunite the 
thread of generations." 

The same sad misfortune which has happened to so 
many ancient cities will happen again, and from the same 
sad cause, to nine tenths of those which now flourish on 
the face of the globe. With most of them the time for 
recording their early history is gone by ; their origin, 
their foundation, together with the eventful period of 
their youth, are forever buried in the rubbish of years ; 
and the same would have been the case with this fair 
portion of the earth, if I had not snatched it from 
obscurity in the very nick of time, at the moment tliat 
those matters herein recorded were about entering into 
the wide-spread, insatiable maw of oblivion, — if I had 
not dragged them out, as it were, by the very locks, just 
as the monster's adamantine fangs were closing upon 
them forever! And here have I, as before observed, 



TO THE PUBLIC 27 

carefully collected, collated, and arranged them, scrip 
and scrap, "print en punt, gat en gat," and commenced in 
this little work a history, to serve as a foundation on 
which other historians may hereafter raise a noble super- 
structure, swelling in process of time, until KnickerbocJcers 
New York may be equally voluminous with Gibbon's Borne, 
or Hume and Smollett's Englmul I 

And now indulge me for a moment, while I lay down 
my pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of 
two or three hundred years ahead ; and, casting back a 
bird's-eye glance over the waste of years that is to roll 
between, discover myself — little I — at this moment the 
progenitor, prototype, and precursor of them all, posted 
at the head of this host of literary worthies, with my 
book under my arm, and New York on my back, pressing 
forward, like a gallant commander, to honor and immor- 
tality. 

Such are the vainglorious imaginings that will now 
and then enter into the brain of the author, — that irra- 
diate, as with celestial light, his solitary chamber, cheer- 
ing his weary spirits, and animating him to persevere in 
his labors. And I have freely given utterance to these 
rhapsodies whenever they have occurred ; not, I trust, 
from an unusual spirit of egotism, but merely that the 
reader may for once have an idea how an author thinks 
and feels while he is writing, — a kind of knowledge very 
rare and curious, and much to be desired. 




BOOK I. 

CONTAINING DIYERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILOSOPHIC SPECU- 
LATIONS, CONCERNING THE CREATION AND POPULATION OF THE 
WORLD, AS CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTEB I. 



DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 




CCOEDING to the best authorities, the world 
in which we dwell is a huge, opaque, reflecting, 
inanimate mass, floating in the vast ethereal 
ocean of infinite space. It has the form of an orange, 
being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened at opposite 
parts, for the insertion of two imaginary poles, which are 
supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre, thus form- 
ing an axis on which the mighty orange turns with a reg- 
ular diurnal revolution. 

29 



30 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed 
the alternations of day and night, are produced by this 
diurnal revolution successively presenting the different 
parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. The latter is, 
according to the best, that is to say, the latest accounts, a 
luminous or fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, from 
which this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling 
power, and to which it is drawn by a centripetal or at- 
tractive force ; otherwise called the attraction of gravita- 
tion ; the combination, or rather the counteraction of 
these two opposing impulses producing a circular and 
annual revolution. Hence result the different seasons of 
the year, viz. : spring, summer, autumn, and winter. 

This I believe to be the most approved modern theory 
on the subject, — though there be many philosophers who 
have entertained very different opinions ; some, too, of 
them entitled to much deference from their great anti- 
quity and illustrious character. Thus it was advanced 
by some of the ancient sages, that the earth was an ex- 
tended plain, supported by vast jDillars ; and by others, 
that it rested on the head of a snake, or the back of a 
huge tortoise ; — but as they did not provide a resting- 
place for either the pillars or the tortoise, the whole 
theory fell to the ground, for want of proper foundation. 

The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon the 
earth, and the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in 
the water, moving from east to west by day, and gliding 
along the edge of the horizon to their original stations 



OPINIONS ABOUT THE WORLD. 31 

during night ; * while, according to the Pauranicas of 
India, it is a vast plain, encircled by seven oceans of milk, 
nectar, and other delicious liquids ; that it is studded 
■with seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre by a 
mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and that a great 
dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which ac- 
counts for the phenomena of lunar eclipses.f 

Beside these, and many other equally sage opinions, 
we have the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-Aly, 
son of Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abderrahman, son 
of Abdallah, son of Masoud-el-Hadheli who is commonly 
called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbiddin, but who 
takes the humble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means 
the companion of the ambassador of God. He has 
written a universal history, entitled " Mouroudge-ed- 
dharab, or the Golden Meadows, and the Mines of Pre- 
cious Stones." X In this valuable work he has related 
the histoiy of the world from the creation down to the 
moment of writing ; which was under the Khaliphat of 
Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 
336th year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He 
informs us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and 
Medina constituting the head, Persia and India the right 
wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa the tail. 
He informs us, moreover, that an earth has existed 

* Faria y Souza. Mick. lus. note b. 7. 
f Sir W. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod. 
X MSS. Bibliot. Roi Fr. 



32 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

before the present (which he considers as a mere chicken 
of 7000 years), that it has undergone divers deluges, and 
that, according to the opinion of some well-informed 
Brahmins of his acquaintance, it will be renovated every 
seventy thousandth hazarouam ; each hazarouam con- 
sisting of 12,000 years. 

These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of 
philosophers concerning the earth, and we find that the 
learned have had equal perplexity as to the nature of the 
sun. Some of the ancient philosophers have affirmed 
that it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire ; * others, that it is 
merely a mirror or sphe:-e of transparent crystal ; t and 
a third class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, 
maintained that it was nothing but a huge ignited mass 
of iron or stone, — indeed, he declared the heavens to be 
merely a vault of stone, — and that the stars were stones 
whirled upward from the earth, and set on fire by the 
velocity of its revolutions. % But I give little attention 
to the doctrines of this philosopher, the people of Ath- 
ens having fully refuted them, by banishing him from 
their city : a concise mode of answering unwelcome doc- 
trines, much resorted to in former days. Another sect of 
philosophers do declare, that certain fiery particles ex- 



* Plutarch de placitis Pliilosoph. lib. ii. cap. 20. 

f Achill. Tat. isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. Stob. Eclog. 
Phys. lib. i. p. 56. Plut. de Plac. Phi. 

\ Diogenes Laertius in Anaxag. ]. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t, i. p. 26. 
Plut. de Plac. Philo. Xenoph. Mem. 1. iv. p. 815. 



THE NATURE OF THE SUN. 33 

hale constantly from the earth, which, concentrating in a 
single point of the firmament by day, constitute the sun, 
but being scattered and rambling about in the dark at 
night, collect in various points, and form stars. These 
are regularly burnt out and extinguished, not unlike to 
the lamps in our streets, and require a fresh supply of 
exhalations for the next occasion.* 

It is even recorded, that at certain remote and obscure 
periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the 
sun has been completely burnt out, and sometimes not 
rekindled for a month at a time. A most melancholy 
circumstance, the very idea of which gave vast concern 
to Heraclitus, that worthy weeping philosopher of anti- 
quity. In addition to these various speculations, it was 
the opinion of Herschel, that the sun is a magnificent, 
habitable abode ; the light it furnishes arising from cer- 
tain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds, swimming 
in its transparent atmosphere. t 

But we will not enter farther at present into the nature 
of the sun, that being an inquiry not immediately neces- 
sary to the development of this history ; neither will we 
embroil ourselves in any more of the endless disputes of 
philosophers touching the form of this globe, but content 
ourselves with the theory advanced in the beginning of 



* Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem. Probl. sec. 15, Stob. Eel. Phys. 1. i. 
p. 55. Bruck. Hist, riiil. t. i. p. 1154, &c. 

fPhilos. Trans. 1795, p. 72. Idem. 1801, p. 2G5. Nich. Pliiloa. 
Journ. I. p. 13. 

3 



34 EI8T0RY OF NEW TORE. 

tliis chapter, and will proceed to illustrate, by experi- 
ment, tlie complexity of motion therein ascribed to this 
our rotatory planet. 

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the 
name may be rendered into English) was long cele- 
brated in the university of Leyden, for profound gravity 
of deportment, and a talent at going to sleep in the midst 
of examinations, to the infinite relief of his hopeful stu- 
dents, who thereby worked their way through college 
with great ease and little study. In the course of one of 
his lectures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket of 
water, swung it around his head at arm's length. The 
impulse with which he threw the vessel from him, being 
a centrifugal force, the retention of his arm operating as 
a centripetal power, and the bucket, which was a substi- 
tute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about 
the globular head and ruby visage of Professor Von 
Poddingcoft, which formed no bad representation of the 
sun. All of these particulars were duly explained to the 
class of gaping students around him. He apprised them, 
moreover, that the same principle of gravitation, which 
retained the water in the bucket, restrains the ocean from 
flying from the earth in its rapid revolutions ; and he 
farther informed them that should the motion of the 
earth be suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall 
into the sun, through the centripetal force of gravitation, 
— a most ruinous event to this planet, and one which 
would also obscure, though it most probably would not 



A PRACTICAL EXPERIMENT. 35 

extinguish, tlie solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, 
one of those vagrant geniuses, who seem sent into the 
world merely to annoy worthy men of the puddinghead 
order, desirous of ascertaining the correctness of the ex- 
periment, suddenly arrested the arm of the professor, just 
at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which 
immediately descended with astonishing precision upon 
the philosophic head of the instructor of youth- A hol- 
low sound, and a red-hot hiss, attended the contact ; but 
the theory was in the amplest manner illustrated, for 
the unfortunate bucket perished in the conflict ; but 
the blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft 
emerged from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than 
ever with unutterable indignation, whereby the students 
were marvellously edified, and departed considerably 
wiser than before. 

It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly per- 
plexes many a painstaking philosopher, that nature often 
refuses to second his most profound and elaborate efibrts ; 
so that after having invented one of the most ingenious 
and natural theories imaginable, she will have the per- 
verseness to act directly in the teeth of his system, and 
flatly contradict his most favorite positions. This is a 
manifest and unmerited grievance, since it throws the 
censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the 
philosopher ; whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to 
his tlieory, which is unquestionably correct, but to the 
waywardness of dame nature, who, with the proverbial 



36 EISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

fickleness of her sex, is continually indulging in coquet- 
ries and caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in 
violating all philosophic rules, and jilting the most learn- 
ed and indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it hajDpened 
with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explanation of 
the motion of our planet ; it appears that the centrifugal 
force has long since ceased to oj^erate, while its antago- 
nist remains in undiminished potency ; the world, there- 
fore, according to the theory as it originally stood, ought 
in strict propriety to tumble into the sun ; philosophers 
were convinced that it would do so, and awaited in anx- 
ious impatience the fulfilment of their prognostics. But 
the untoward planet pertinaciously continued her course, 
notwithstanding that she had reason, philosophy, and a 
whole university of learned professors opposed to her 
conduct. The philosophers took this in very ill part, and 
it is thought they would never have pardoned the slight 
and affront which they conceived put upon them by the 
world, had not a good-natured professor kindly ofiiciated 
as a mediator between the parties, and effected a recon- 
ciliation. 

Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the 
theory, he wisely determined to accommodate the theory 
to the world ; he therefore informed his brother philoso- 
phers, that the circular motion of the earth round the 
sun was no sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses 
above described, than it became a regular revolution, 
independent of the causes which gave it origin. His 



THE WATS OF THE WORLD. 37 

learned brethren readily joined in the opinion, being 
heartily glad of any explanation that would decently ex- 
tricate them from their embarrassment ; and ever since 
that memorable era the world has been left to take her 
own course, and to revolve around the sun in such orbit 
as she thinks proper. 



CHAPTER n 

COSMOGONY, OK CREATION OF THE WORLD ; WITH A MULTITUDE OF EXCELLENT 
THEORIES, BY WHICH THE CREATION OF A WORLD IS SHOWN TO BE NO SUCH 
DIFFICULT MATTER AS COMMON FOLK WOULD IMAGINE. 

AYING thus briefly introduced my reader to 
the world, and given him some idea of its form 
and situation, he will naturally be curious to 
know from whence it came, and how it was created. And, 
indeed, the clearing up of these points is absolutely es- 
sential to my history, inasmuch as if this world had not 
been formed, it is more than probable that this renowned 
island, on which is situated the city of New York, would 
never have had an existence. The regular course of my 
history, therefore, requires that I should proceed to no- 
tice the cosmogony or formation of this our globe. 

And now I give my readers fair warning that I am 
about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as complete a 
labyrinth as ever historian was perplexed withal ; there- 
fore, I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep 
close at my heels, venturing neither to the right hand 
nor to the left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unin- 
telligible learning, or have their brains knocked out by 
some of those hard Greek names which will be flying 

38 



DIVERS THEORIES. 39 

about in all directions. But should any of them be too 
indolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this 
perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut 
round, and wait for me at the beginning of some smoother 
chapter. 

Of the creation of the world, we have a thousand con- 
tradictory accounts ; and though a very satisfactory one 
is furnished us by divine revelation, yet every philoso- 
pher feels himself in honor bound to furnish us with a 
better. As an impartial historian I consider it my duty 
to notice their several theories, by which mankind have 
been so exceedingly edified and instructed. 

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that 
the earth and the whole system of the universe was the 
Deity himself;* a doctrine most strenuously maintained 
by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by 
Strabo and the sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pythag- 
oras likewise inculcated the famous numerical system of 
the monad, dyad, and triad, and by means of his sacred 
quaternary elucidated the formation of the world, the 
arcana of nature, and the principles both of music and 
morals. t Other sages adhered to the mathematical sys- 
tem of squares and triangles ; the cube, the pyramid, and 
the sphere ; the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahe- 
dron, and the dodecahedron.^ While others advocated 

* Aristot. ap. Cic lib. i. cap. 3. 

I Aristot. Metaph. lib. i. c. 5. Idem, de Ccelo. 1. iii. c. 1. Rousseau 
Mem. sur Musique ancien. p. 39. Plutarch de Plac. Pliilos. lib. i. cap. 3. 
X Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. iii. p. 90. 



40 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the great elementary theory which refers the construc- 
tion of our globe and all that it contains to the combina- 
tions of four material elements : air, earth, fire, and water, 
with the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial and vivifying 
principle. 

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system 
taught by old Moschus, before the siege of Troy ; revived 
by Democritus of laughing memory ; improved by Epi- 
curus, that king of good fellows, and modernized by the 
fanciful Descartes. But I decline inquiring whether the 
atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are 
eternal or recent ; whether they are animate or inani- 
mate ; whether, agreeably to the opinion of the atheists, 
they were fortuitously aggregated, or, as the theists main- 
tain, were arranged by a supreme intelligence.* Whether, 
in fact, the earth be an insensate clod, or whether it be 
animated by a soul;t which opinion was strenuously 
maintained by a host of philosoj)liers, at the head of 
whom stands the great Plato, that temperate sage, who 
threw the cold water of philosophy on the form of sexual 
intercourse, and inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love, 
— an exquisitely refined intercourse, but much better 
adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary island 
of Atlantis than to the sturdy race, composed of rebel- 

* Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. 6. Aristoph. Metaph. lib. i. cap. 
8. Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin Mart. prat, ad gent. p. 
20. 

f Mosbeim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anim. muud. sp. Plat 
lib. iii. Mem. de I'Acad. des Belles-Lettr. t. xxxii. p. 19, et al. 



DIVERS THEORIES. 41 

lious flesh and blood, wliicli populates the little matter- 
of-fact island we inhabit. 

Beside these systems, we have, moreover, the poetical 
theogonj of old Hesiod, who generated the whole uni- 
verse in the regular mode of procreation, and the plaus- 
ible opinion of others, that the earth was hatched from 
the great egg of night, which floated in chaos, and was 
cracked bj the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate 
this last doctrine, Burnet, in his theory of the earth,* 
has favored us with an accurate drawing and description, 
both of the form and texture of this mundane egg ; which 
is found to bear a marvellous resemblance to that of a 
goose. Such of my readers as take a proper interest in 
the origin of this our planet, will be pleased to learn that 
the most profound sages of antiquity among the Egyp- 
tians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, and Latins, have 
alternately assisted at the hatching of this strange bird, 
and that their cacklings have been caught, and continued 
in difierent tones and inflections, from philosopher to 
philosopher, unto the present day. 

But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems of 
ancient sages, let me not pass over with neglect those of 
other philosophers ; which, though less universal and 
renowned, have equal claims to attention, and equal 
chance for correctness. Thus, it is recorded by the 
Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired Shastah, that 

* Book i. ch. 5. 



42 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the angel Bistnoo transforming himself into a great boar, 
plunged into the watery abyss, and brought up the earth 
on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tortoise, 
and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect 
upon the back of the tortoise, and he placed the earth 
upon the head of the snake.* 

The negro philosophers of Congo affirm that the world 
was made by the hands of angels, excepting their own 
country, which the Supreme Being constructed himself, 
that it might be supremely excellent. And he took great 
pains with the inhabitants, and made them very black, 
and beautiful ; and when he had finished the first man, 
he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him over 
the face, and hence his nose, and the nose of all his de- 
scendants, became flat. 

The Mohawk philosophers tell us that a pregnant wo- 
man fell down from heaven, and that a tortoise took her 
upon its back, because every place was covered with 
water ; and that the woman, sitting upon the tortoise, 
paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the 
earth, whence it finally happened that the earth became 
higher than the water.f 

But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient 
and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, 
in despite of all their erudition, compelled t' m to write 

* Hoi well. Gent. Philosophy. 

•f- Johannes Megapolensis, Jun. Account of Maquaas or Mohawk 
Indians. 



DIVERS THEORIES. 43 

in languages whicli but few of my readers can under- 
stand ; and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more 
intelligible and fashionable theories of their modern suc- 
cessors. 

And, first, I shall mention the great Buffon, who con- 
jectures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid 
fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, by the percus- 
sion of a comet, as a spark is generated by the collision 
of flint and steel. That at first it was surrounded by 
gross vapors, which, cooling and condensing in process of 
time, constituted, according to their densities, earth, water, 
and air ; which gradually arranged themselves, according 
to their respective gravities, round the burning or vitri- 
fied mass that formed their centre. 

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at 
first were universally paramount ; and he terrifies himself 
with the idea that the earth must be eventually washed 
away by the force of rain, rivers, and mountain torrents, 
until it is confounded with the ocean, or, in other words 
absolutely dissolves into itself. Sublime idea ! far sur- 
passing that of the tender-hearted damsel of antiquity, 
who wept herself into a fountain ; or the good dame of 
Narbonne in France, who, for a volubility of tongue un- 
usual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred thou- 
sand and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually run 
out at her eyes before half the hideous task was accom- 
plished. 

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled 



44 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

Ditton in his researches after the longitude (for which 
the mischief-loving Swift discharged on their heads a 
most savory stanza) has distinguished himself by a very 
admirable theory respecting the earth. He conjectures 
that it was originally a chaotic comet, which being selected 
for the abode of man, was removed from its eccentric 
orbit, and whirled round the sun in its present regular 
motion ; by which change of direction, order succeeded 
to confusion in the arrangement of its component parts. 
The philosopher adds, that the deluge was produced by 
an uncourteous salute from the watery tail of another 
comet; doubtless through sheer envy of its improved 
condition ; thus furnishing a melancholy proof that jeal- 
ousy may prevail, even among the heavenly bodies, and 
discord interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres, 
so melodiously sung by the j)oets. 

But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among 
which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and White- 
hurst ; regretting extremely that my time will not suffer 
me to give them the notice they deserve, — and shall 
conclude with that of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This 
learned Theban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme 
as reason, and for good-natured credulity as serious re- 
search, and who has recommended himself wonderfully 
to the good graces of the ladies, by letting them into all 
the gallantries, amours, debaucheries, and other topics 
of scandal of the court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory 
worthy of his combustible imagination. According to 



TEE CONVENIENCE OF COMETS. 45 

his opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sudden occa- 
sion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that 
act exploded the sun, — which in its flight, by a similar 
convulsion, exploded the earth, which in like guise ex- 
ploded the moon, — and thus by a concatenation of ex- 
plosions, the whole solar system was produced, and set 
most systematically in motion ! * 

By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every 
one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found sur- 
prisingly consistent in all its parts, my unlearned readers 
will perhaps be led to conclude, that the creation of a 
world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined. 
I have shown at least a score of ingenious methods in 
which a world could be constructed; and I have no 
doubt, that, had any of the philosophers above quoted 
the use of a good manageable comet, and the philosophi- 
cal warehouse chaos at his command, he would engage to 
manufacture a planet as good, or, if you would take his 
word for it, better than this we inhabit. 

And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Provi- 
dence, in creating comets for the great relief of bewil- 
dered philosophers. By their assistance more sudden 
evolutions and transitions are eflfected in the system of 
nature than are wrought in a pantomimic exhibition by 
the wonder-working sword of Harlequin. Should one of 
our modem sages, in his theoretical flights among the 

* Darw. Bot. Garden, Part I. Cant. i. 1. 105. 



46 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, and in danger 
of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, 
he has but to seize a comet by the beard, mount astride 
of his tail, and away he gallops in triumph, like an en- 
chanter on his hyppogriff, or a Connecticut witch on her 
broomstick, " to sweep the cobwebs out of the sky." 

It is an old and vulgar saying about a " beggar on 
horseback," which I would not for the world have ap- 
plied to these reverend philosophers ; but I must confess 
that some of them, when they are mounted on one of 
those fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvetings as was 
Phaeton of yore, when he aspired to manage the chariot 
of Phoebus. One drives his comet at full speed against 
the sun, and knocks the world out of him with the 
mighty concussion ; another, more moderate, makes his 
comet a kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a regu- 
lar supply of food and fagots ; a third, of more combus- 
tible disposition, threatens to throw his comet, like a 
bomb-shell, into the world, and blow it up like a powder- 
magazine ; while a fourth, with no great delicacy to this 
planet and its inhabitants, insinuates that some day or 
other his comet — my modest pen blushes while I write 
it — shall absolutely turn tail upon our world, and deluge 
it with water ! Surely, as I have already observed, 
comets were bountifully provided by Providence for the 
benefit of philosophers, to assist them in manufacturing 
theories. 

And now, having adduced several of the most promi- 



AMUSEMENTS OF PHILOSOPHERS. 47 

nent theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my 
judicious readers at full liberty to choose among them. 
They are all serious speculations of learned men, — all 
differ essentially from each other, — and all have the 
same title to belief. It has ever been the task of one 
race of philosophers to demolish the works of their pre- 
decessors, and elevate more splendid fantasies in their 
stead, which in their turn are demolished and replaced 
by the air-castles of a succeeding generation. Thus it 
would seem that knowledge and genius, of which we 
make such great parade, consist but in detecting the 
errors and absurdities of those who have gone before, 
and devising new errors and absurdities, to be detected 
by those who are to come after us. Theories are the 
mighty soap-bubbles with which the grown-up children 
of science amuse themselves, — while the honest vulgar 
stand gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these 
learned vagaries with the name of wisdom ! Surely, 
Socrates was right in his opinion, that philosophers are 
bat a soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in 
things totally incomprehensible, or which, if they could 
be comprehended, would be found not worthy the trouble 
of discovery. 

For my own part, until the learned have come to an 
agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with 
the account handed down to us by Moses ; in which I 
do but follow the example of our ingenious neighbors of 
Connecticut ; who at their first settlement proclaimed. 



u 



48 EISTOBT OF NEW TORE. 

that the colony should be governed by the laws of God 
— until they had time to make better. 

One thing, however, appears certain, — from the unani- 
mous authority of the before-quoted philosophers, sup- 
ported by the evidence of our own senses, (which, though 
very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously admitted as 
additional testimony,) — it appears, I say, and I make the 
assertion deliberately, without fear of contradiction, that 
this globe really 2vas created, and that it is composed of 
land and ivater. It farther appears that it is curiously 
divided and parcelled out into continents and islands, 
among which I boldly declare the renowned Island of 
New York will be found by any one who seeks for it in 
its proper place. 



CHAPTER KL 



HOW THAT FAMOUS NAVIGATOR, NOAH, WAS SHAMEFULLY NICKNAMED, AND 
HOW HE COMMITTED AN UNPARDONABLE OVERSIGHT IN NOT HAVING FOUR 
SONS ; WITH THE GREAT TROUBLE OF THILOSOPHERS CAUSED THEREBY, 
AND THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA. 



OAH, -wlio is tlie first seafaring man we read 
of, begat three sons : Shem, Ham, and Japhet. 
Authors, it is true, are not wanting, who affirm 
that the patriarch had a number of other children. 
Thus, Berosus makes him father of the gigantic Titans ; 
Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or Jonicus ; 
and others have mentioned a son, named Thuiscon, from 
whom descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or in other 
words, the Dutch nation. 

I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will 
not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my 
readers, by investigating minutely the history of the great 
Noah. Indeed, such an undertaking would be attended 
with more trouble than many people would imagine, for 
the good old patriarch seems to have been a great travel- 
ler in his day, and to have passed under a different name 
in every country that he visited. The Chaldeans, for 
instance, give us his story, merely altering his name into 
4: 49 



50 BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

Xisuthrus, — a trivial alteration, which, to an historian, 
skilled in etymologies, will appear wholly unimportant. 
It apj)ears, likewise, that he had exchanged his tarpaulin 
and quadrant among the Chaldeans for the gorgeous in- 
signia of royalty, and appears as a monarch in their 
annals. The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of 
Osiris ; the Indians as Menu ; the Greek and Koman 
writers confovind him with Ogyges, and the Theban with 
Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly 
rank among the most extensive and authentic historians, 
inasmuch as they have known the world much longer 
than any one else, declare that Noah was no other than 
Fohi; and what gives this assertion some air of credi- 
bility is, that it is a fact, admitted by the most enlight- 
ened literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time 
of the building of the tower of Babel (probably to im- 
prove himself in the study of languages), and the learned 
Dr. Shackford gives us the additional information, that 
the ark rested on a mountain on the frontiers of China. 

From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hy- 
potheses, many satisfactory deductions might be drawn ; 
but I shall content myself witli the simple fact stated in 
the Bible, \az. : that Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, 
and Japhet. It is astonishing on what remote and ob- 
scure contingencies the great affairs of this world de- 
pend, and how events the most distant, and to the com- 
mon observer unconnected, are inevitably consequent the 
one to the other. • It remains to the philosopher to dis- 



yOAH'S SOJfS. 51 

cover these mysterious affinities, and it is tlie proudest 
triumph of his skill, to detect and drag forth some latent 
chain of causation which at first sight appears a paradox 
to the inexperienced observer. Thus many of my read- 
ers will doubtless wonder what connection the family of 
Noah can possibly have with this history, — and many 
will stare when informed, that the whole history of this 
quarter of the world has taken its character and course 
from the simple circumstance of the patriarch's having 
but three sons. But to explain : 

Noah, we are told by sundry very credible historians, 
becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor of the earth, 
in fee-simple, after the deluge, like a good father, por- 
tioned out his estate among his children. To Shem he 
gave Asia ; to Ham, Africa ; and to Japhet, Europe. Now 
it is a thousand times to be lamented that he had but 
three sons, for had there been a fourth, he would doubt- 
less have inherited America ; which, of course, would have 
been dragged forth from its obscurity on the occasion ; 
and thus many a hard-working historian and philosopher 
would have been spared a prodigious mass of weary con- 
jecture respecting the first discovery and population of 
this country. Noah, however, having provided for his 
three sons, looked in all probability upon our country as 
a mere wild unsettled land, and said nothing about it ; 
and to this unpardonable taciturnity of the patriarch may 
we ascribe the misfortune that America did not coine 
into the world as early as the other quarters of the globe. 



52 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

It is true, some writers have vindicated liim from this 
misconduct towards posterity, and asserted that he really 
did discover America. Thus it was the opinion of Mark 
Lescarbot, a French writer, possessed of that ponderosity 
of thought, and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar 
to his nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah 
peopled this quarter of the globe, and that the old patri- 
arch himself, who still retained a passion for the sea- 
faring life, superintended the transmigration. The pious 
and enlightened father, Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, re- 
markable for his aversion to the marvellous, common to 
all great travellers, is conclusively of the same opinion ; 
nay, he goes still farther, and decides upon the manner 
in which the discovery was effected, which was by sea, 
and under the immediate direction of the great Noah. 
"I have already observed," exclaims the good father, in 
a tone of becoming indignation, " that it is an arbitrary 
supposition that the grandchildren of Noah were not able 
to penetrate into the new world, or that they never 
thought of it. In effect, I can see no reason that can 
justify such a notion. "Who can seriously believe that 
Noah and his immediate descendants knew less than we 
do, and that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship 
that ever was, — a ship which was formed to traverse an 
unbounded ocean, and had so many shoals and quick- 
sands to guard against, — should be ignorant of, or should 
not have communicated to his descendants the art of 
sailing on the ocean ? " Therefore, they did sail on the 



MORE CONJECTURES ABOUT AMERICA. 53 

ocean ; therefore, tliey sailed to America ; therefore, 
America was discovered by Noali ! 

Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so 
strikingly characteristic of the good father, being ad- 
dressed to the faith, rather than the understanding, is 
flatly opposed by Hans de Laet, who declares it a real . 
and most ridiculous paradox to suppose that Noah ever 
entertained the thought of discovering America ; and as 
Hans is a Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe he must 
have been much better acquainted with the worthy crew 
of the ark than his competitors, and of course possessed 
of more accurate sources of information. It is astonish- 
ing how intimate histor.'aris do daily become with the 
patriarchs and other great men of antiquity. As inti- 
macy improves with time, and as the learned are j)ar- 
ticularly inquisitive and familiar in their acquaintance 
with the ancients, I should not be surprised if some 
future writers should gravely give us a picture of men. 
and manners as they existed before the flood, far more 
copious and accurate than the Bible ; and that, in the 
course of another century, the log-book of the good Noah 
should be as current among historians as the voyages 
of Captain Cook, or the renowned history of Eobinson 
Crusoe. 

I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge 
mass of additional suppositions, conjectures, and proba- 
bilities respecting the first discovery of this country, 
with which unhappy historians overload themselves, in 



54 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

their endeavors to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous 
world. It is painful to see these laborious wights pant- 
ing, and toiling, and sweating, under an enormous bur- 
den, at the very outset of Jieir works, which, on being 
opened, turns out to be nothmg but a mighty bundle of 
straw. As, however, by unwearied assiduity, they seem 
to have established the fact, to the satisfaction of all the 
world, that this country lias been discovered, I shall avail 
myself of their useful labors to be extremely brief upon 
this point. 

I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire, whether America 
was first discovered by a wandering vessel of that cele- 
brated Phoenician fleet, which, according to Herodotus, 
circumnavigated Africa ; or by that Carthaginian expedi- 
tion, which Pliny, the naturalist, informs us, discovered 
the Canary Islands ; or whether it was settled by a tem- 
porary colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and 
Seneca. I shall neither inquire whether it was first 
discovered by the Chinese, as Yossius with great shrewd- 
ness advances ; nor by the Norwegians in 1002, under 
Biorn; nor by Beliem, the German navigator, as Mr. 
Otto has endeavored to prove to the savans of the learned 
city of Philadelphia. 

Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the 
Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the 
eleventh century, who having never returned, it has since 
been wisely concluded that he must have gone to Amer- 
ica, and that for a plain reason, — if he did not go there, 



CERI8T0VAL COLON. 55 

where else could he have gone ? — a question which mosv 
socratically shuts out all farther dispute. 

Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above men- 
tioned, with a multitude of others, equally satisfactory, I 
shall take for granted the vulgar opinion, that America 
was discovered on the 12th of October, 1492, by Christo- 
val Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily nicknamed 
Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the 
voyages and adventures of this Colon, I shall say nothing, 
seeing that they are already sufficiently known. Nor 
shall I undertake to prove that this country should have 
been called Colonia, after his name, that being notori- 
ously self-evident. 

Having thus happily got my readers on this side of 
the Atlantic, I picture them to myself all impatience 
to enter upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, 
and in full expectation that I will immediately de- 
liver it into their possession. But if I do may I 
ever forfeit the reputation of a regular-bred histori- 
an ! No — no, — most curious and thrice learned read- 
ers, (for thrice learned ye are if ye have read all that 
has gone before, and nine times learned shall ye be if 
ye read that which comes after,) we have yet a world 
of work before us. Think you the first discoverers 
of this fair (quarter of the globe had nothing to do but 
go on shore and find a country ready laid out and 
cultivated like a garden, wlierein they might revel at 
their ease ? No such thing : they had forests to cut 



66 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

down, underwood to grub up, marshes to drain, and 
savages to exterminate. 

In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away, 
questions to resolve, and paradoxes to explain, before I 
permit you to range at random ; but these difficulties 
once overcome, we shall be enabled to jog on right mer- 
rily through the rest of our history. Thus my work 
shall, in a manner, echo the nature of the subject, in the 
same manner as the sound of poetry has been found by 
certain shrewd critics to echo the sense, — this being an 
improvement in history which I claim the merit of having 
inveuted. 



CHAPTER IV. 

SHOWIXG THE GREAT DIFFICULTY PHILOSOPHERS HAVE HAD IN PEOPLING 
AMERICA ; AND HOW THE ABORIGINES CAME TO BE BEGOTTEN BY ACCI- 
DENT — TO THE GREAT RELIEF AND SATISFACTION OF THE AUTHOR. 

HE next inquiry at whicli we arrive in the 
regular course of our liistory is to ascertain, 
if possible, how this country was originally 
peopled, — a point fruitful of incredible embarrassments ; 
for unless we prove that the Aborigines did absolutely 
come from somewhere, it will be immediately asserted, in 
this age of skepticism, that they did not come at all ; and 
if they did not come at all, then was this country never 
populated, — a conclusion perfectly agreeable to the rules 
of logic, but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of 
humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically prove fatal 
to the innumerable Aborigines of this populous region. 

To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical 
annihilation so many millions of fellow-creatures, how 
many wings of geese have been plundered ! what oceans 
of ink have been benevolently drained! and how many 
capacious heads of learned historians have been addled, 
and forever confounded! I j^ause with reverential awe, 
when I contemplate the ponderous tomes, in different 

57 



58 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

languages, with which they have endeavored to solve this 
question, so important to the happiness of society, but so 
involved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. 

Historian after historian has engaged in the endless 
circle of hypothetical argument, and after leading us a 
weary chase through octavos, quartos, and folios, has let 
us out at the end of his work just as wise as we were 
at the beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical 
wild-goose chase of the kind that made the old poet 
Macrobius rail in such a passion at curiosity, which he 
anathematizes most heartily as "an irksome agonizing- 
care, a superstitious industry about unprofitable things, 
an itching humor to see what is not to be seen, and to be 
doing what signifies nothing when it is done." But to 
proceed. 

Of the claims of the children of Noah to the original 
population of this country I shall say nothing, as they 
have already been touched upon in my last chapter. The 
claimants next in celebrity are the descendants of Abra- 
ham. Thus, Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) 
when he first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola, 
immediately concluded, with a shrewdness that would 
have done honor to a philosopher, that he had found the 
ancient Opliir, from whence Solomon procured the gold 
for embellishing the temple at Jerusalem ; nay. Colon 
even imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces of 
veritable Hebraic construction, employed in refining the 
precious ore. 



HANS BE LAET. 59 

So golden a conjecture, tinctured with sncli fascinating 
extravagance, was too tempting not to be immediately 
snapped at by the gudgeons of learning; and, accord- 
ingly, there were divers profound writers ready to swear 
to its correctness, and to bring in their usual load of au- 
thorities, and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. 
Vetablus and Eobertus Stephens declared nothing could 
be more clear ; Arius Montanus, without tlie least hesi- 
tation, asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, and the 
Jews the early settlers of the country ; while Possevin, 
Becan, and several other sagacious writers, lug in a snp- 
^sed prophecy of the fourth book of Esdras, which being 
inserted in the mighty hypothesis, like the key-stone of 
an arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability. 

Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly su- 
perstructure, than in trudges a phalanx of opposite au- 
thors, with Hans de Laet, the great Dutchman, at their 
head, and at one blow tumbles the whole fabric about 
their ears. Hans, in fact, contradicts outright all the Is- 
raelitish claims to the first settlement of this country, at- 
tributing all those equivocal symptoms, and traces of 
Christianity and Judaism, which have been said to bo 
found in divers provinces of the new world, to the Devil, 
who has always affected to counterfeit the worship of the 
true Deity. "A remark," says the knowing old Padre 
d'Acosta, " made by all good authors who have spoken of 
the religion of nations newly discovered, and founded be- 
sides on the authority of the fathers of the churcli." Some 



60 EisTonr of 2tew torst. 

writers again, among whom it :s witli much regret I am 
compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara, and Juan de 
Leri, insinuate that the Canaanites, being driven from 
the land of promise by the Jews, were seized with such a 
panic that they fled without looking behind them, until 
stopping to take breath, they found themselves safe in 
America. As they brought neither their national lan- 
guage, manners, nor features with them, it is supposed 
they left them behind in the hurry of their flight ; — I can- 
not give my faith to this opinion. 

I pass over the supposition of the learned Grotius, — 
"who being both an ambassador and a Dutchman to boot, 
is entitled to great respect, — that North America was 
peopled by a strolling company of Norwegians, and that 
Peru was founded by a colony from China, — Manco, or 
Mango Capac, the first Incas, being himself a Chinese. 
Nor shall I more than barely mention, that father 
Kircher ascribes the settlement of America to the Egyp- 
tians, Rudbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to the 
Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skating party from Fries- 
land, Milius to the Celtse, Marinocus the Sicilian to the 
Homans, Le Compte to the Phoenicians, Postel to the 
Moors, Martyn d'Angleria to the Abyssinians, together 
with the sage surmise of De Laet, that England, Ireland, 
and the Orcades may contend for that honor. 

Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the 
idea that America is the fairy region of Zipangri, de- 
scribed by that dreaming traveller, Marco Polo, the Vene- 



DARWIN'S THEORY. 61 

tian ; or that it comprises the visionary island of Atlantis, 
described by Plato. Neither will I stop to investigate the 
heathenish assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemisphere 
of the globe was originally furnished with an Adam and 
Eve ; or the more flattering opinion of Dr. Romayne, sup- 
ported by many nameless authorities, that Adam was 
of the Indian race ; or the startling conjecture of Buffon, 
Helvetius, and Darwin, so highly honorable to mankind, 
that the whole human species is accidentally descended 
from a remarkable family of monkeys ! 

This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very 
suddenly and very ungraciously. I have often beheld the 
clown in a pantomime, while gazing in stupid wonder at 
the extravagant gambols of a harlequin, all at once elec- 
trified by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword across 
his shoulders. Little did I think, at such times, that it 
would ever fall to my lot to be treated with equal dis- 
courtesy, and that, while I was quietly beholding these 
grave philosophers, emulating the eccentric transforma- 
tions of the hero of pantomime, they would on a sudden 
turn upon me and my readers, and with one hypotheti- 
cal flourish metamorphose us into beasts ! I determined 
from that moment not to burn my fingers with any 
more of their theories, but content myself with detailing 
the difiierent methods by which they transported the 
descendants of tliese ancient and respectable monkeys 
to this great field of theoretical warfare. 

This was done either by migrations by land or trans- 



62 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

migrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph d'Acosta enu- 
merates three passages by land; first, by the north of 
Europe ; secondly, by the north of Asia ; and thirdly, by 
regions southward of the Straits of Magellan. The learn- 
ed Grotius marches his Norwegians by a pleasant route 
across frozen rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland, 
Greenland, Estotiland, and Naremberga; and various 
writers, among whom are Angleria, De Hornn, and Buf- 
fon, anxious for the accommodation of these travellers, 
have fastened the two continents together by a strong 
chain of deductions, — by which means they could pass 
over dry-shod. But should even this fail, Piukerton, that 
industrious old gentleman, who compiles books, and 
manufactures Geographies, has constructed a natural 
bridge of ice, from continent to continent, at the distance 
of four or five miles from Behring's Straits, — for which 
he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the wandering 
Aborigines who ever did or ever will pass over it. 

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the 
worthy writers above quoted could ever commence his 
work without immediately declaring hostilities against 
every writer who had treated of the same subject. In this 
particular, authors may be compared to a certain saga- 
cious bird, which in building its nest is sure to pull to 
pieces the nests of all the birds in its neighborhood. 
This unhappy propensity tends grievously to impede the 
progress of sound knowledge. Theories are at best but 
brittle productions, and when once committed to the 



AN ACCIDENTAL PEOPLE. 63 

stream, they should take care that, like the notable pots ^ 
which were fellow-voyagers, they do not crack each other. 

My chief surprise is, that among the many writers I 
have noticed, no one has attempted to prove that this 
country was peopled from the moon, — or that the first in- 
habitants floated hither on islands of ice, as white bears 
cruise about the northern oceans, — or that they were con- 
veyed hither by balloons, as modern aeronauts pass from 
Dover to Calais, — or by witchcraft, as Simon Magus 
posted among the stars, — or after the manner of the re- 
nowned Scythian Abaris, who, like the New England 
witches on full-blooded broomsticks, made most unheard- 
of journeys on the back of a golden arrow, given him by 
the Hyperborean Apollo. 

But there is still one mode left by which this country 
could have been peopled, which I have reserved for the 
last, because I consider it worth all the rest : it is — hij ac- 
cident! Speaking of the islands of Solomon, New Guinea, 
and New Holland, the profound father Charlevoix ob- 
serves, "in fine, all these countries are peopled, and it is 
possible some have been so hj accident. Now if it could 
have happened in that manner, why might it not have 
been at the same time, and by the same meaivs with the 
other parts of the globe ? " This ingenious mode of deduc- 
ing certain conclusions from possible premises is an im- 
provement in syllogistic skill, and proves tlie good fatlier 
superior even to Archimedes, for he can turn the world 
without anything to rest his lever upon. It is only sur- 



64: HI8T0BT OF NEW YORK. 

passed by the dexterity witli whicli tlie sturdy old Jesuit, 
iu another place, cuts the gordian knot: — "Nothing," 
says he, "is more easy. The inhabitants of both hemi- 
spheres are certainly the descendants of the same father. 
The common father of mankind received an express order 
from Heaven to people the world, and accordingly it has 
been peopled. To bring this about, it was necessary to 
overcome all difficulties in the way, and they have also been 
overcome/" Pious logician ! How does he put all the herd 
of laborious theorists to the blush, by explaining, in five 
words, what it has cost them volumes to prove they knew 
nothing about ! 

From all the authorities here quoted, and a variety of 
others which I have consulted, but which are omitted 
through fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader, I can only 
draw the following conclusions, which luckily, however, 
are sufficient for my purpose. First, that this part of the 
world has actually been peopled, (Q. E. D.) to support 
which we have living proofs in the numerous tribes of 
Indians that inhabit it. Secondly, that it has been 
peopled in five hundred difierent ways, as proved by a 
cloud of authors who, from the positiveness of their as- 
sertions, seem to have been eye-witnesses to the fact. 
Thirdly, that the people of this country had a variety of 
fathers, Avhich, as it may not be thought much to their 
credit by the common run of readers, the less we say on 
the subject the better. The question, therefore, I trust, 
is forever at rest. 



CHAPTER V. 

IN WHICH THE AUTHOR PUTS A MIGHTY QUESTION TO THE ROUT, BT THB 
ASSISTANCE OF THE MAN IN THE MOON, — WHICH NOT ONLY DELIVERS 
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE FROM GREAT EMBARRASSMENT, BUT LIKE\\ ISE 
CONCLUDES THIS INTRODUCTORY BOOK. 



HE writer of a history may, in some respects, 
be likened unto an adventurous knight, who, 
having undertaken a perilous enterprise by way 
of establishing his fame, feels bound, in honor and 
chivalry, to turn back for no difficulty nor hardship, and 
never to shrink or quail, whatever enemy he may en- 
counter. Under this impression, I resolutely draw my 
pen, and fall to, with might and main, at those doughty 
questions and subtle paradoxes, which, like fiery dragons 
and bloody giants, beset the entrance to my history, and 
would fain repulse me from the very threshold. And at 
this moment a gigantic question has started up, whicli 
I must needs take by the beard and utterly subdue, be- 
fore I can advance another step in my historic under- 
taking ; but I trust this will be the last adversary I shall 
have to contend with, and that in the next book I shall 
be enabled to conduct my readers in triumph into the 
body of my work. 

5 65 



QQ HISTORY OF HEW FORK. 

The question whicli has thus suddenly arisen is, What 
right had the first discoverers of America to land and take 
possession of a country, without first gaining the consent 
of its inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate compen- 
sation for their territory ? — a question which has with- 
stood many fierce assaults, and has given much distress 
of mind to multitudes of kind-hearted folk. And indeed, 
until it be totally vanquished, and put to rest, the worthy 
people of America can by no means enjoy the soil they 
inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet, unsullied 
consciences. 

The first source of right, by which property is acquired 
in a country, is discoveey. For as all mankind have an 
equal right to anything which has never before been ap- 
propriated, so any nation that discovers an uninhabited 
country, and takes possession thereof, is considered as 
enjoying full property, and absolute, unquestionable em- 
pire therein.* 

This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly, 
that the Europeans who first visited America were the 
real discoverers of the same ; nothing being necessary to 
the establishment of this fact, but simply to prove that 
it was totally uninhabited by men. This would at first 
appear to be a ]3oint of some difficulty, for it is well 
known that this quarter of the world abounded with 
certain animals, that walked erect on two feet, had some- 

* (jfrotius. Puffendorff, b. v. c. 4. Vattel, b. i. c. 18, &c. 



THE ABORIGWES. 67 

tiling of a human countenance, uttered certain unintel- 
ILigible sounds, very much like language ; in short, had a 
marvellous resemblance to human beings. But the zeal- 
ous and enlightened fathers, who accompanied the dis- 
coverers, for the purpose of promoting the kingdom of 
heaven by establishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on 
earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfac- 
tion of his holiness the pope, and of all Christian voy- 
agers and discoverers. 

They plainly proved, and as there were no Indian 
writers arose on the other side, the fact was considered 
as fully admitted and established, that the two-legged 
race of animals before mentioned were mere cannibals, 
detestable monsters, and many of them giants, — which 
last description of vagrants have, since the time of Gog, 
Magog, and Goliath, been considered as outlaws, and 
have received no quarter in either history, chivalry, or 
song. Indeed, even the jjliilosophic Bacon declared the 
Americans to be people proscribed by the laws of nature, 
inasmu(^h as they had a barbarous custom of sacrificing 
men, and feeding upon man's flesh. 

Nor are these all the proofs of their utter barbarism : 
among many other writers of discernment, Ulloa tells us 
" their imbecility is so visible, that one can hardly form 
an idea of them different from what one has of the brutes. 
Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally 
insensible to disasters and to prosperity. Though half 
naked, they are as contented as a monarch in his most 



68 niSTORT OF NEW YORK. 

splendid array. Fear makes no impression on tliem, and 
respect as little." All this is furthermore supported by 
the authority of M. Bouguer. " It is not easy," says he, 
" to describe the degree of their indifference for wealth 
and all its advantages. One does not well know what 
motives to propose to them when one would persuade 
them to any service. It is vain to offer them money; 
they answer they are not hungry." And Vanegas con- 
firms the whole, assuring us that "ambition they have 
none, and are more desirous of being thought strong than 
valiant. The objects of ambition with us — honor, fame, 
reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions — are unknown 
among them. So that this powerful spring of action, the 
cause of so much seeming good and real evil in the world, 
has no power over them. In a word, these unhappy 
mortals may be compared to children in whom the devel- 
opment of reason is not completed." 

Now all these peculiarities, although in the most unen- 
lightened states of Greece they would have entitled their 
possessors to immortal honor, as having reduced to prac- 
tice those rigid and abstemious maxims, the mere talking 
about which acquired certain old Greeks the reputation 
of sages and philosophers, — yet, were they clearly proved 
in the present instance to betoken a most abject and 
brutified nature, totally beneath the • human character. 
But the benevolent fathers, who had undertaken to turn 
these unhappy savages into dumb beasts, by dint of ar- 
gument, advanced still stronger proofs; for, as certain 



THE RIGHT OF DISCOVERY. 69 

divines of tlie sixteentli century, and among the rest 
LuUus, affirm, — the Americans go naked, and have no 
beards ! " They have nothing," says Lullus, " of the rea- 
sonable animal, except the mask." And even that mask 
was allowed to avail them but little, for it was soon found 
that they were of a hideous copper complexion: and 
being of a coj^per complexion, it was all the same as if 
they were negroes : and negroes are black, — " and black," 
said the j)ious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, " is 
the color of the Devil!" Therefore, so far from being 
able to own property, they had no right even to personal 
freedom ; for liberty is too radiant a deity to inhabit such 
gloomy temples. All which circumstances plainly con- 
vinced the righteous followers of Cortes and Pizarro, 
that these miscreants had no title to the soil that they 
infested, — that they were a perverse, illiterate, dumb, 
beardless, black-seed, — mere wild beasts of the forests, 
and like them should either be subdued or exterminated. 

From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and a variety 
of others equally conclusive, which I forbear to enume- 
rate, it is clearly evident that this fair quarter of the 
globe, when first visited by Europeans, was a howling 
wilderness, inhabited by nothing but wild beasts ; and 
that the transatlantic visitors acquired an incontrover- 
tible property therein by the right of discovery. 

This right being fully established, we now come to the 
next, which is the right acquired by cultivation. "The 
cultivation of the soil," we are told, "is an obligation 



70 EISTOBT OF NEW TOBK. 

imposed by nature on mankind. The whole world is 
appointed for the nourishment of its inhabitants ; but it 
would be incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. 
Every nation is then obliged by the law of nature to 
cultivate the ground that has fallen to its share. Those 
people, like the ancient Germans and modern Tartars, 
who, having fertile countries, disdain to cultivate the 
earth, and choose to live by rapine, are wanting to them- 
selves, and deserve to he exterminated as savage and perni- 
cious beasts." * 

Now it is notorious that the savages knew nothing of 
agriculture, when first discovered by the Europeans, but 
lived a most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous life, — 
rambling from place to place, and prodigally rioting 
upon the spontaneous luxuries of nature, without tasking 
her generosity to yield them anything more ; whereas it 
has been most unquestionably shown, that Heaven in- 
tended the earth should be ploughed and sown, and 
manured, and laid out into cities, and towns, and farms, 
and country-seats, and pleasure-grounds, and public gar- 
dens ; all which the Indians knew nothing about : there- 
fore, they did not improve the talents Providence had 
bestowed on them : therefore, they were careless stew- 
ards : therefore, they had no right to the soil : therefore, 
they deserved to be exterminated. 

It is true, the savages might plead that they drew all 

* Vattel, b. i. cli. 17. 



TEE BiaHT BY CULTIVATION. 71 

tlie benefits from tlie land wliicli their simple wants 
required, — they found plenty of game to hunt, which, 
together with the roots and uncultivated fruits of the 
earth, furnished a sufficient variety for their frugal re- 
pasts, — and that, as Heaven merely designed the earth 
to form the abode, and satisfy the wants of man, so long 
as those purposes were answered, the will of Heaven was 
accomplished. But this only proves how undeserving 
they were of the blessings around them : they were so 
much the more savages, for not having more wants ; for 
knowledge is in some degree an increase of desires ; and 
it is this superiority both in the number and magnitude 
of his desires, that distinguishes the man from the beast. 
Therefore the Indians, in not having more wants, were 
very unreasonable animals ; and it was liut just that they 
should make way for the Europeans, who had a thousand 
wants to their one, and, therefore, would turn the earth 
to more account, and by cultivating it, more truly fulfil 
the will of Heaven. Besides — Grotius, and Lauterbach, 
and Puffendorff, and Titius, and many wise men beside, 
who have considered the matter properly, have deter- 
mined that the property of a country cannot be acquired 
by hunting, cutting wood, or drawing water in it — nothing 
but precise demarcation of limits, and the intention of 
cultivation, can establish the possession. Now, as the 
savages (probably from never having read the autliors 
above quoted) had never complied with any of these 
necessary forms, it plainly follows that they had no right 



72 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

to tlie soil, but that it was completely at the disposal of 
the first comers, who had more knowledge, more wants, 
and more elegant, that is to say artificial desires than 
themselves. 

In entering upon a newly discovered, uncultivated 
country, therefore, the new comers were but taking pos- 
session of what, according to the aforesaid doctrine, was 
their own property ; — therefore, in opposing them, the 
savages were invading their just rights, infringing the 
immutable laws of nature, and counteracting the will of 
heaven : therefore, they were guilty of impiety, burglary, 
and trespass on the case : therefore, they were hardened 
offenders against God and man : therefore, they ought to 
be exterminated. 

But a more irresistible right than either that I have 
mentioned, and one which will be the most readily admit- 
ted by my reader, provided he be blessed with bowels of 
charity and philanthropy, is the right acquired by civil- 
ization. All the world knows the lamentable state in 
which these poor savages were found. Not only deficient 
in the comforts of life, but what is still worse, most pite- 
ously and unfortunately blind to the miseries of their 
situation. But no sooner did the benevolent inhabitants 
of Europe behold their sad condition, than they imme- 
diately went to work to ameliorate and improve it. They 
introduced among them rum, gin, brandy, and the other 
comforts of life, — and it is astonishing to read how soon 
the poor savages learned to estimate those blessings ; 



THE RIGHT BY CIVILIZATION. 73 

they likewise made known to tliem a thousand remedies, 
by which the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and 
healed ; and that they might comprehend the benefits 
and enjoy the comforts of these medicines, they pre- 
viously introduced among them the diseases which they 
were calculated to cure. By these and a variety of other 
methods was the condition of these poor savages won- 
derfully improved; they acquired a thousand wants, of 
which they had before been ignorant ; and as he has 
most sources of happiness who has most wants to be 
gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a much happier 
race of beings. 

But the most important branch of civilization, and 
which has most strenuously been extolled by the zealous 
and pious fathers of the Romish Church, is the introduc- 
tion of the Christian faith. It was truly a sight that 
might well inspire horror, to behold these savages tum- 
bling among the dark mountains of paganism, and guilty 
of the most horrible ignorance of religion. It is true, they 
neither stole nor defrauded ; they were sober, frugal, 
continent, and faithful to their word; but though they 
acted right habitually, it was all in vain, unless they 
acted so from precept. The new comers, therefore, used 
every method to induce them to embrace and practise 
the true religion, — except indeed that of setting them the 
example. 

But notwithstanding all these complicated labors for 
their good, such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these 



74 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

stubborn wretches, that they ungratefully refused to ac- 
knowledge the strangers as their benefactors, and per- 
sisted in disbelieving the doctrines they endeavored to 
inculcate ; most insolently alleging, that, from their con- 
duct, the advocates of Christianity did not seem to be- 
lieve in it themselves. Was not this too much for human 
patience ? — would not one suppose that the benign visit- 
ants from Europe, provoked at their incredulity, and dis- 
couraged by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would forever 
have abandoned their shores, and consigned them to their 
original ignorance and misery? But no : so zealous were 
they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal salvation 
of these pagan infidels, that they even proceeded from 
the milder means of persuasion to the more painful and 
troublesome one of persecution, — let loose among them 
whole troops of fiery monks and furious bloodhounds, — 
purified them by fire and sword, by stake and fagot ; in 
consequence of which indefatigable measures the cause of 
Christian love and charity was so rapidly advanced, that 
V in a few years not one fifth of the number of unbelievers 
existed in South America that were found there at the 
time of its discovery. 

What stronger right need the European settlers ad- 
vance to the country than this ? Have not whole nations 
of uninformed savages been made acquainted with a 
thousand imperious wants and indispensable comforts, of 
which they were before wholly ignorant ? Have they not 
been literally hunted and smoked out of the dens and 



A FOURTH RIGHT. 75 

lurking-places of ignorance and infidelity, and absolutely 
scourged into the right path? Have not the temporal 
things, the vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, 
which were too apt to engage their worldly and selfish 
thoughts, been benevolently taken from them ; and have 
they not, instead thereof, been taught to set their affec- 
tions on things above ? And, finally, to use the words of 
a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his superior in 
Spain, " Can any one have the presumption to say that 
these savage Pagans have yielded anything more than an 
inconsiderable recompense to their benefactors, in sur- 
rendering to them a little pitiful tract of tliis dirty sub- 
lunary planet in exchange for a glorious inheritance in 
the kingdom of heaven '? " 

Here, then, are three complete and undeniable sources 
of right established, any one of which was more than 
ample to establish a property in the newly-discovered 
regions of America. Now, so it has happened in cer- 
tain parts of this delightful quarter of the globe, that 
the right of discovery has been so strenuously as- 
serted, the influence of cultivation so industriously ex- 
tended, and the progress of salvation and civilization 
so zealously prosecuted, that, what with their attendant 
wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases, and other par- 
tial evils that often hang on the skirts of great benefits, 
the savage aborigines have, someliow or another, been 
utterly annihilated ; — and this all at once brings me to a 
fourth right, which is worth all the others put together. 



?- 



76 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

For the original claimants to tlie soil being all dead and 
buried, and no one remaining to inherit or dispute the 
soil, the Spaniards, as the next immediate occupants, 
entered upon the possession as clearly as the hangman 
succeeds to the clothes of the malefactor ; and as they 
have Blackstone,* and all the learned expounders of the 
law on their side, they may set all actions of ejectment at 
defiance ; — and this last right may be entitled the eight 
BY EXTERMINATION, or, in other words, the right by gun- 
powder. 

But lest any scruj)les of conscience should remain on 
this head, and to settle the question of right forever, his 
holiness Pope Alexander YI. issued a bull, by which he 
generously granted the newly-discovered quarter of the 
globe to the Spaniards and Portuguese ; who, thus hav- 
ing law and gospel on their side, and being inflamed with 
great spiritual zeal, showed the Pagan savages neither 
favor nor affection, but prosecuted the work of discov- 
ery, colonization, civilization, and extermination with ten 
times more fury than ever. 

Thus were the European worthies who first discovered 
America clearly entitled to the soil ; and not only entitled 
to the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of these in- 
fidel savages, for having come so far, endured so many 
perils by sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, 
for no other purpose but to improve their forlorn, uncivil- 

* Bl. Com. b. ii. c. 1. 



A SPECULATION. 77 

ized, and heathenisli condition, — for having made them 
acquainted with the comforts of life, — for having intro- 
duced among them the light of religion, — and, finally, for 
having Inirried them out of the world, to enjoy its reward ! 

But as argument is never so well understood by us 
selfish mortals as when it comes home to ourselves, and 
as I am particularly anxious that this question should 
be put to rest forever, I will suppose a parallel case, by 
way of arousing the candid attention of my readers. 

Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the moon, 
by astonishing advancement in science, and by profound 
insight into that lunar philosophy, the mere flickerings of 
which have of late years dazzled the feeble optics, and 
addled the shallow brains of the good people of our 
globe, — let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the 
moon, by these means, had arrived at such a command of 
their energies, such an enviable state of jxr/edibiUfy, as to 
control the elements, and navigate the boundless regions 
of space. Let us suppose a roving crew of these soaring 
philosophers, in the course of an aerial voyage of dis- 
covery among the stars, should chance to alight upon this 
outlandish planet. 

And here I beg my readers will not have the unchari- 
tableness to smile, as is too frequently the fault of vola- 
tile readers, when perusing the grave speculations of 
philosophers. I am far from indulging in any sportive 
vein at present ; nor is the supposition I have been 
making so wild as many may deem it. It has long been 



78 EI8T0RT OF NEW YORK. 

a very serious and anxious question witli me, and many 
a time and oft, in the course of my overwhelming cares 
and contrivances for the welfare and protection of this 
my native planet, have I lain awake whole nights de- 
bating in my mind, whether it were most probable we 
should first discover and civilize the moon, or the moon 
discover and civilize our globe. Neither would the 
prodigy of sailing in the air and cruising among the stars 
be a whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to us 
than was the European mystery of navigating floating 
castles, through the world of waters, to the simple 
natives. We have already discovered the art of coast- 
ing along the aerial shores of our planet, by means of 
balloons, as the savages had of venturing along their sea- 
coasts in canoes ; and the disparity between the former 
and the aerial vehicles of the philosophers from the moon 
might not be greater than that between the bark canoes 
of the savages and the mighty ships of their discoverers. 
I might here pursue an endless chain of similar specu- 
lations ; but as they would be unimportant to my subject, 
I abandon them to my reader, particularly if he be a 
philosopher, as matters well worthy of his attentive con- 
sideration. 

To return, then, to my supposition ; — let us suppose 
that the aerial visitants I have mentioned, possessed of 
vastly superior knowledge to ourselves ; that is to say, 
possessed of superior knowledge in the art of extermi- 
nation, — riding on hyppogriffs, — defended with impene- 



THE MEN FROM THE MOON. 79 

trable armor, — armed with concentrated sunbeams, and 
provided with vast engines, to hurl enormous moon- 
stones : in short, let us sujDpose them, if our vanity will 
permit the supposition, as superior to us in knowledge, 
and consequently in power, as the Europeans were to the 
Indians, when they first discovered them. All this is 
very possible ; it is only our self-sufficiency that makes 
us think otherwise ; and I warrant the poor savages, be- 
fore they had any knowledge of the white men, armed in 
all the terrors of glittering steel and tremendous gun- 
powder, were as perfectly convinced that they themselves 
were the wisest, the most virtuous, powerful, and perfect 
of created beings, as are, at this present moment, the 
lordly inhabitants of old England, the volatile populace 
of France, or even the self-satisfied citizens of this most 
enlightened republic. 

Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagers, 
finding this planet to be nothing but a howling wilder- 
ness, inhabited by us, poor savages and wild beasts, shall 
take formal possession of it, in the name of his most 
gracious and philosophic excellency, the man in the 
moon. Finding, however, that their numbers are in- 
competent to hold it in complete subjection, on ac- 
count of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants, 
they shall take our worthy President, the King of Eng- 
land, the Emperor of Hayti, the mighty Bonaparte, 
and the great King of Bantam, and returning to their 
native planet, shall carry them to court, as were the 



80 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the courts of 
Europe. 

Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the 
court requires, they shall address the puissant man in 
the moon, in, as near as I can conjecture, the following 
terms : — 

" Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose dominions 
extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth on the Great 
Bear, useth the sun as a looking-glass, and maintaineth 
unrivalled control over tides, madmen, and sea-crabs. 
We, thy liege subjects, have just returned from a voyage 
of discovery, in the course of which we have landed and 
taken possession of that obscure little dirty planet, which 
thou beholdest rolling at a distance. The five uncouth 
monsters, which we have brought into this august pres- 
ence, were once very important chiefs among their fellow- 
savages, who are a race of beings totally destitute of the 
common attributes of humanity ; and differing in every- 
thing from the inhabitants of the moon, inasmuch as they 
carry their heads upon their shoulders, instead of under 
their arms, — have two eyes instead of one,— are utterly 
destitute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly complex- 
ions, particularly of horrible whiteness, instead of pea- 
green. 

"We have moreover found these miserable savages 
sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and depravity, 
every man shamelessly living with his own wife, and 
rearing his own children, instead of indulging in that 



THE MEN m THE MOON. 81 

community of wives enjoined by the law of nature, as ex- 
pounded by the philosophers of the moon. In a word, 
they have scarcely a gleam of true pliilosoj)hy among 
them, but are, in fact, utter heretics, ignoramuses, and 
barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, on the sad 
condition of these sublunary wretches, we have endeav- 
ored, while we remained on their planet, to introduce 
among them the light of reason, and the comforts of the 
moon. We have treated them to mouthfuls of moon- 
shine, and draughts of nitrous oxide, which they swal- 
lowed with incredible voracity, particularly the females ; 
and we have likewise endeavored to instil into them the 
precepts of lunar philosophy. We have insisted upon 
their renouncing the contemptible shackles of religion 
and common sense, and adoring the profound, omnipo- 
tent, and all-perfect energy, and the ecstatic, immutable, 
immovable perfection. But such was the unparalleled 
obstinacy of these wretched savages, that they persisted 
in cleaving to their wives, and adhering to their religion, 
and absolutely set at naught the sublime doctrines of the 
moon, — nay, among other abominable heresies, they even 
went so far as blasphemously to declare, that this inef- 
fable planet was made of nothing more nor less than 
green cheese ! " 

At these words, the great man in the moon (being a 
very profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible pas- 
sion, and possessing equal authority over things that do 
not belong to him, as did whilom his holiness the Pope, 
6 



82 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Bhall forthwitli issue a formidable bull, specifying, "That, 
whereas a certain crew of Lunatics have lately discovered, 
and taken possession of a newly-discovered planet called 
ihe earth ; and that, whereas it is inhabited by none but a 
race of two-legged animals that carry their heads on their 
shoulders instead of under their arms, cannot talk the 
lunatic language, have two eyes instead of one, are desti- 
tute of tails, and of a horrible whiteneso, instead of pea- 
green: — therefore, and for a variety of other excellent 
reasons, they are considered incapable of possessing any 
property in the planet they infest, and the right and 
title to it are confirmed to its original discoverers. And 
furthermore, the colonists who are now about to depart 
to the aforesaid planet are authorized and commanded to 
use every means to convert these infidel savages from the 
darkness of Christianity, and make them thorough and 
absolute lunatics." 

In consequence of this benevolent bull, our philosophic 
benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. They seize 
upon our fertile territories, scourge us from our rightful 
possessions, relieve us from our wives ; and when we are 
unreasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon 
us and say : Miserable barbarians ! ungrateful wretches ! 
have we not come thousands of miles to improve your 
worthless planet ; have we not fed you with moonshine ; 
have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxide ; does not 
our moon give you light every night ; and have you the 
baseness to murmur when we claim a pitiful return for 



THE RIGHTS PROVED. 83 

all tliese benefits ? But finding tliat we not only persist 
in absolute contempt of their reasoning and disbelief in 
their philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to defend 
our property, their patience shall be exhausted, and they 
shall resort to their superior powers of argument : hunt 
us with hyppogriffs, transfix us with concentrated sun- 
beams, demolish our cities with moon-stones ; until hav- 
ing, by main force, converted us to the true faith, they 
shall graciously permit us to exist in the torrid deserts 
of Arabia, or the frozen regions of Lapland, there to 
enjoy the blessings of civilization and the charms of 
lunar philosophy, in much the same manner as the 
reformed and enlightened savages of this country are 
kindly suffered to inhabit the inhospitable forests of 
the north, or the impenetrable wildernesses of South 
America. 

Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strikingly 
illustrated, the right of the early colonists to the posses- 
sion of this country; and thus is this gigantic question 
completely vanquished : so, having manfully surmounted 
all obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what remains 
but that I should forthwith conduct my readers into tlie 
city which we have been so long in a manner besieging ? 
But hold ; before I proceed another step, I must pause 
to take breath, and recover from the excessive fatigue I 
have undergone, in preparing to begin this most accurate 
of histories. And in this I do but imitate the example 
of a renowned Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who took a 



84 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

start of tliree miles for the purpose of jumping over a 
hill, but having run himself out of breath by the time 
he reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for a few 
moments to blow, and then walked over it at his lei- 
sure. 




BOOK II. 



TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE OF NIEUW- 
NEDERLANDTS. 



CHAPTER I. 



IN WHICn ABE CONTAINED DIVERS REASONS WHY A MAN SHOULD NOT WRITE 
IN A HCRRT ; ALSO, OF MASTER HENDRICK HUDSON, HIS DISCOVERT OF A 
STRANGE COUNTRY, — AND HOW HE WAS MAGNIFICENTLY REWARDED BY THE 
MUNIFICENCE OF THEIR HIGH MIGHTINESSES. 

Y great-grandfather, by the mother's side, Her- 
manus Yan Clattercop, when employed to build 
the large stone church at Rotterdam, which 
stands about three hundred yards to your left after you 
turn off from the Boomkeys, and which is so conveniently 
constructed, that all the zealous Christians of Rotterdam 
prefer sleeping through a sermon there to any other 
church in the city, — my great-grandfather, I say, when 

85 




86 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

employed to build tliat famous church, did in the first 
place send to Delft for a box of long pipes ; then having 
purchased a new spitting-box and a hundred-weight of 
the best Virginia, he sat himself down, and did nothing 
for the space of three months but smoke most labo- 
riously. Then did he spend full three months more in 
trudging on foot, and voyaging in trekschuit, from Rot- 
terdam to Amsterdam — to Delft — to Haerlem— to Leyden 
— to the Hague, knocking his head and breaking his pipe 
against every church in his road. Then did he advance 
gradually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, until he came 
in full sight of the identical spot whereon the church 
was to be built. Then did he sjjend three months longer 
in walking round it and round it, contemplating it, first 
from one point of view, and then from another, — now 
would he be paddled by it on the canal, — now would he 
peep at it through a telescope from the other side of the 
Meuse, and now would he take a bird's-eye glance at it 
from the top of one of those gigantic windmills which 
protect the gates of the city. The good folks of the place 
were on the tiptoe of expectation and impatience ; — not- 
withstanding all the turmoil of my great-grandfather, not 
a symptom of the church was yet to be seen ; they even 
began to fear it would never be brought into the world, 
but that its great projector would lie down and die in 
labor of the mighty plan he had conceived. At length, 
having occupied twelve good months in puffing and pad- 
dling, and talking and walking, — having travelled over all 



DIVERS REASONS FOR BELAY. , 87 

Holland, and even taken a peep into France and Ger- 
many, — having smoked five hundred and ninety -nine 
pipes, and three hundred-weight of the best Virginia 
tobacco, — my great-grandfather gathered together all 
that knowing and industrious class of citizens who prefer 
attending to anybody's business sooner than their own, 
and having pulled off his coat and five pair of breeches, 
he advanced sturdily up and laid the corner-stone of the 
church, in presence of the whole multitude — ^just at the 
commencement of the thirteenth month. 

In a similar manner, and with the example of my wor- 
thy ancestor full before my eyes, have I proceeded in 
writing this most authentic history. The honest Kot- 
terdamers no doubt thought my great-grandfather was 
doing nothing at all to the purpose, while he was making 
such a world of prefatory bustle about the building of 
his church — and many of the ingenious inhabitants of 
this fair city will unquestionably suppose that all the 
preliminary chapters, with the discovery, population, 
and final settlement of America, were totally irrelevant 
and superfluous,— and that the main business, the history 
of New York, is not a jot more advanced than if I had 
never taken up my pen. Never were wise people more 
mistaken in their conjectures : in consequence of going 
to work slowly and deliberately, the church came out 
of my grandfather's hands one of the most sumptuous, 
goodly, and glorious edifices in the known world, — ex- 
cepting that, like our magnificent capitol, at Washington, 



88 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

it was begun on so grand a scale that the good folks 
could not afford to finish more than the wing of it. So, 
likewise, I trust, if ever I am able to finish this work on 
the 23lan I have commenced, (of which, in simple truth, I 
sometimes have my doubts,) it will be found that I have 
pursued the latest rules of my art, as exemplified in 
the writings of all the great American historians, and 
wrought a very large history out of a small subject, — 
■which, nowadays, is considered one of the great triumphs 
of historic skill. To proceed, then, with the thread of 
my story. 

In the ever-memorable year of our Lord, 1609, on a 
Saturday morning, the five-and-twentieth day of March, 
old style, did that "worthy and irrecoverable discoverer, 
(as he has justly been called,) Master Henry Hudson," 
set sail from Holland in a stout vessel called the Half- 
Moon, being employed by the Dutch East India Com- 
pany, to seek a northwest passage to China. 

Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, Hendrick) 
Hudson was a seafaring man of renown, who had learned 
to smoke tobacco under Sir Walter Ealeigh, and is said 
to have been the first to introduce it into Holland, which 
gained him much popularity in that country, and caused 
him to find great favor in the eyes of their High Mighti- 
nesses, the Lords States General; and also of the honora- 
ble West India Company. He was a short, square, braw- 
ny old gentleman, with a double chin, a mastiff mouth, 
and a broad copper nose, which was supposed in tliose 



HENDRICK HUDSON. 89 

days to have acquired its fiery hue from the constant 
neighborhood of his tobacco-pipe. 

He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a leathern 
belt, and a commodore's cocked hat on one side of his 
head. He was remarkable for always jerking up his 
breeches when he gave out his orders, and his voice 
sounded not unlike the brattling of a tin trumpet, — owing 
to the number of hard northwesters which he had swal- 
lowed in the course of his seafaring. 

Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have heard so 
much, and know so little ; and I have been thus particu- 
lar in his description for the benefit of modern painters 
and statuaries, that they may represent him as he was, 
— and not, according to their common custom with 
modern heroes, make him look like Caesar, or Marcus 
Aurelius, or the Apollo of Belvidere. 

As chief mate and favorite companion, the commodore 
chose master Kobert Juet, of Limehouse, in England. By 
some his name has been spelled CJiewit, and ascribed to 
the circumstances of his having been the first man that 
ever chewed tobacco; but this I believe to be a mere 
flippancy ; more especially as certain of his progeny are 
living at this day, who write their names Juet. He was 
an old comrade and early schoolmate of the great Hud- 
son, with whom he had often played truant and sailed 
chip boats in a neighboring pond, when they were little 
boys : from whence it is said tliat the commodore first 
derived his bias towards a seafaring life. Certain it is 



90 EISTOBT OF NEW YORE. 

that tlie old people about Limehouse declared Robert 
Juet to be an unlucky urchin, prone to mischief, that 
would one day or other come to the gallows. 

He grew up, as boys of that kind often grow up, a 
rambling, heedless varlet, tossed about in all quarters of 
the world, — meeting with more perils and wonders than 
did Sinbad the Sailor, without growing a whit more wise, 
prudent, or ill-natured. Under every misfortune, he 
comforted himself with a quid of tobacco, and the truly 
philosophic maxim, that " it will be all the same thing a 
hundred years hence." He was skilled in the art of carv- 
ing anchors and true lover's knots on the bulk-heads 
and quarter-railings, and was considered a great wit on 
board ship, in consequence of his playing pranks on 
everybody around, and now and then even making a wry 
face at old Hendrick, when his back was turned. 

To this universal genius are we indebted for many par- 
ticulars concerning this voyage ; of which he wrote a 
history, at the request of the commodore, who had an 
unconquerable aversion to writing himself, from having 
received so many floggings about it when at school. To 
supply the deficiencies of master Juet's journal, which is 
written with true log-book brevity, I have availed myself 
of divers family traditions, handed down from my great- 
great-grandfather, who accompanied the expedition in 
the capacity of cabin-boy. 

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of re- 
mark happened in the voyage ; and it mortifies me ex- 



TEE VOTAOE. 91 

ceedingly tliat I have to admit so noted an expedition 
into my work, without making any more of it. 

Suffice it to say, the voyage was prosperous and tran- 
quil ; the crew, being a patient people, much given to 
slumber and vacuity, and but little troubled with the dis- 
ease of thinking, — a malady of the mind, which is the 
sure breeder of discontent. Hudson had laid in abun- 
dance of gin and sourkrout, and every man was allowed 
to sleep quietly at his post unless the wind blew. True 
it is, some slight disaffection was shown on two or three 
occasions, at certain unreasonable conduct of Commodore 
Hudson. Thus, for instance, he forbore to shorten sail 
when the wind was light, and the weather serene, which 
was considered among the most experienced Dutch sea- 
men as certain weather-breeders, or prognostics that the 
weather would change for the worse. He acted, more- 
over, in direct contradiction to that ancient and sage rule 
of the Dutch navigators, who always took in sail at night, 
put the helm a-port, and turned in, — by which precaution 
they had a good night's rest, were sure of knowing where 
they were the next morning, and stood but little chance 
of running down a continent in the dark. He likewise 
prohibited the seamen from wearing more than five 
jackets and six pair of breeches, under pretence of ren- 
dering them more alert ; and no man was permitted to 
go aloft and hand in sails with a pipe in his mouth, as is 
the invariable Dutch custom at the present day. All 
these grievances, though they might ruffle for a moment 



92 EI8T0BY OF NEW YORE. 

the constitutional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, 
made but transient impression ; — they ate hugely, drank 
profusely, and slept immeasurably ; and being under the 
especial guidance of Providence, the ship was safely con- 
ducted to the coast of America ; where, after sundry un- 
important touchings and standings off and on, she at 
length, on the fourth day of September, entered that ma- 
jestic bay which at this day exjDands its ample bosom be- 
fore the city of New York, and which had never before 
been visited by any European.* 



* True it is — and I am not ignorant of the fact — that in a certain 
apocryphal book of voyages, compiled by one Hakluyt, is to be found a 
letter written to Francis the First, by one Giovanne, or John Verazzani, 
on which some writers are inclined to found a belief that this delightful 
bay had been visited nearly a century previous to the voyage of the en- 
terprising Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met with the countenance of 
certain very judicious and learned men) I hold in utter disbelief, and that 
for various good and substantial reasons : First, Because on strict exam - 
ination it will be found, that the description given by this Verazzani ap- 
plies about as well to the bay of New York as it does to my nightcap. 
Secondly, Because that this John Verazzani, for whom I already begin to 
feel a most bitter enmity, is a native of Florence ; and everybody knows 
the crafty wiles of these losel Florentines, by which they filched away the 
laurels from the brows of the immortal Colon, (vulgarly called Colum- 
bus,) and bestowed them on their officious townsman, Amerigo Ves- 
pucci ; and 1 make no doubt they are equally ready to rob the illustrious 
Hudson of the credit of discovering this beautifid island, adorned by the 
city of New York, and placing it beside their usurped discovery of South 
America. And, thirdly, I award my decision in favor of the pretensions 
of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland, 
being truly and absolutely a Dutch enterprise ; — and though aU the 
proofs in the world were introduced on the other side, I would set them 
at naught, as undeserving my attention. If these tliree reasons be not 
sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city, all I can say is, 



I 



VIEW OF MANNAHATA. 93 

It lias been traditionary in our family, that when the 
great navigator was first blessed with a view of this 
enchanting island, he was observed, for the first and only 
time in his life, to exhibit strong symptoms of astonish- 
ment and admiration. He is said to have turned to mas- 
ter Juet, and uttered these remarkable words, while he 
pointed towards this jjaradise of the new world, — " See ! 
there ! " — and thereupon, as was always his way when he 
was uncommonly pleased, he did puff out such clouds of 
dense tobacco-smoke, that in one minute the vessel was 
out of sight of land, and master Juet was fain to wait 
until the winds dispersed this impenetrable fog. 

It was indeed, — as my great-grandfather used to say, — 
though in truth I never heard him, for he died, as might 
be expected, before I was born, — " It was indeed a spot 
on which the eye might have revelled forever, in ever 
new and never-ending beauties," The island of Manna- 
hata spread wide before them, like some sweet vision of 
fancy, or some fair creation of industrious magic. Its 
hills of smiling green swelled gently one above another, 
crowned with lofty trees of luxuriant growth ; some point- 
ing their tapering foliage towards tho clouds, which were 
gloriously transparent ; and others loaded with a verdant 
burden of clambering vines, bowing their branches to 
the earth, that was covered with flowers. On the gentle 

they are degenerate descendants from their venerable Dutch ancestors, 
and totally unworthy the trouble of convincing. Thus, therefore, the 
title of Hendrick Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully vindicated. 



• ,. /k/ 



94 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

declivities of tlie hills were scattered in gay profusion, 
^ ' the dog-wood, the sumach, and the wild brier, whose 
scarlet berries and white blossoms glowed brightly among 
the deep green of the surrounding foliage ; and here and 
there a curling column of smoke, rising from the little 
glens that opened along the shore, seemed to promise the 
weary voyagers a welcome at the hands of their fellow- 
creatures. As they stood gazing with entranced atten- 
tion on the scene before them, a red man, crowned with 
feathers, issued from one of these glens, and after con- 
templating in wonder the gallant ship, as she sat like a 
stately swan swimming on a silver lake, sounded the war- 
whoop, and bounded into the woods like a wild deer, to 
the utter astonishment of the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who 
had never heard such a noise, or witnessed such a caper 
in their whole lives. 

Of the transactions of our adventurers with the savages, 
and how the latter smoked copper pipes, and ate dried 
currants ; how they brought great store of tobacco and 
oysters ; how they shot one of the ship's crew, and how 
he was buried, I shall say nothing ; being that I consider 
them unimportant to my history. After tarrying a few 
days in the bay, in order to refresh themselves after their 
seafaring, our voyagers weighed anchor, to explore a 
mighty river which emptied into the bay. This river, it 
is said, was known among the savages by the name of the 
Shatemuck ; though we are assured in an excellent little 
history published in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent., that 



UP THE RIVEB. 95 

it was called the Ilohegan,^ and master Eichard Bloome, 
■who wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same,— so 
that I very much incline in favor of the opinion of these 
two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, up this river 
did the adventurous Hendrick proceed, little doubting 
but it would turn out to be the much looked-for passage 
to China ! 

The journal goes on to make mention of divers inter- 
views between the crew and the natives, in the voyage up 
the river ; but as they would be impertinent to my his- 
tory, I shall pass over them in silence, except the follow- 
ing dry joke, played off by the old commodore and his 
school-fellow, Robert Juet, which does such vast credit 
to their experimental philosophy, that I cannot refrain 
from inserting it. " Our master and his mate determined 
to try some of the chiefe men of the countrey, whether 
they had any treacherie in them. So they tooke them 
downe into the cabin, and gave them so much wine and 
aqua vit?e, that they were all merrie ; and one of them 
had his wife with him, which sate so modestly, as any of 
our countrey women would do in a strange place. In the 
end, one of them was drunke, which had been aborde of 
our ship all the time that we had been there, and that 
was strange to them, for they could not tell how to take 
it." t 

* This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map as Manhattan— 
Noordt Montaif^nc and Mauritius river, 
f Juet's Journ. Purch. Pil. 



96 HISTORY OF NFW YORK. 

Having satisfied himself by this ingenious experiment, 
that the natives were an honest, social race of jolly roys- 
ters, who had no objection to a drinking-bout and were 
very merry in their cups, the old commodore chuckled 
hugely to himself, and thrusting a double quid of tobacco 
in his cheek, directed master Juet to have it carefully 
recorded, for the satisfaction of all the natural philos- 
ophers of the university of Leyden, — which done, he 
proceeded on his voyage, with great self-complacency. 
After sailing, however, above an hundred miles up the 
xiver, he found the watery world around him began to 
grow more shallow and confined, the current more rapid, 
and perfectly fresh, — phenomena not uncommon in the 
ascent of rivers, but which puzzled the honest Dutchmen 
prodigiously. A consultation was therefore called, and 
having deliberated full six hours, they were brought to a 
determination by the ship's running aground, — where- 
upon they unanimously concluded, that there was but 
little chance of getting to China in this direction. A 
boat, however, was despatched to explore higher up the 
river, which, on its return, confirmed the opinion; upon 
this the ship was Avarped off and put about, with great 
difficulty, being, like most of her sex, exceedingly hard to 
govern ; and the adventurous Hudson, according to the 
account of my great-great-grandfather, returned down the 
river — with a prodigious flea in his ear! 

Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of get- 
ting to China, unless, like the blind man, he returned 



HUDSON'S HONOu. 97 

from whence he set out, and took a fresh start, he forth- 
with recrossed the sea to Holland, where he was received 
with great welcome bj the honorable East India Com- 
pany, who were very much rejoiced to see him come back 
safe — with their ship; and at a large and respectable 
meeting of the first merchants and burgomasters of Am- 
sterdam, it was unanimously determined, that, as a munifi- 
cent reward for the eminent services he had performed, 
and the important discovery he had made, the great river 
Mohegan should be called after his name ! — and it con- 
tinues to be called Hudson river unto this very day. 
i 



CHAPTEE n. 

CONTArNING AN ACCOTTNT OF A MIGHTY ARK WHICH FLOATED, UNDEK THE PRO- 
TECTION OF ST. KICHOLAS, FROM HOLLAND TO GIBBET ISLAND, — THE DESCENT 
OF THE STRANGE ANIMALS THEREFROM, — A GREAT VICTORY, AND A DESCRIl'- 
TION OP THE ANCIENT VILLAGE OF COMMUNIPAW. 



HE delectable accounts given by the great Hud- 
son, and master Juet, of tlie country they had 
discovered, excited not a little talk and specula- 
tion among the good people of Holland. Letters-patent 
were granted by government to an association of mer- 
chants, called the West India Company, for the exclusive 
trade on Hudson river, on which they erected a trading- 
house, called Fort Aurania, or Orange, from whence did 
spring the great city of Albany. But I forbear to dwell 
on the various commercial and colonizing enterprises 
which took place, — among which was that of Mynheer 
Adrian Block, who discovered and gave a name to Block 
Island, since famous for its cheese, — and shall barely 
confine myself to that which gave birth to this renowned 
city. 

It was some three or four years after the return of the 
immortal Hendrick, that a crew of honest, Low-Dutch 
colonists set sail from the city of Amsterdam for the 

98 



BRA VE PIONEERS. 99 

Bhores of America. It is an irreparable loss to history, 
and a great proof of tlie darkness of the age, and the la- 
mentable neglect of the noble art of book-making, since 
so industriously cultivated by knowing sea-captains, and 
learned supercargoes, that an expedition so interesting 
and important in its results should be passed over in 
utter silence. To my great-great-grandfather am I again 
indebted for the few facts I am enabled to give concern- 
ing it, — he having once more embarked for this country, 
with a full determination, as he said, of ending his days 
here, and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers that 
should rise to be great men in the land. 

The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail 
was called the Goede Vrouiv, or good woman, in compli- 
ment to the wife of the President of the West India Com- 
pany, who was allowed by everybody (except her hus- 
band) to be a sweet-tempered lady — when not in li(pior. 
It was in truth a most gallant vessel, of the most ap- 
proved Dutch construction, and made by the ablest ship- 
carpenters of Amsterdam, who, it is well known, always 
model their ships after the fair forms of their country- 
women. Accordingly it had one hundred feet in the 
beam, one hundred feet in the keel, and one hundred feet 
from the bottom of the stern-post to the tafferel. Like 
the beauteous model, who was declared to be the greatest 
belle in Amsterdam, it was full in the bows, with a pair 
of enormous cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal a 
most prodigious poop ! 



100 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

The architect, who was somewhat of a religious man, 
far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, such as 
Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules, (which heathenish abom- 
inations, I have no doubt, occasion the misfortunes and 
shipwreck of many a noble vessel,) — he, I say on the con- 
trary, did laudably erect for a head, a goodly image of 
St. Nicholas, equipped with a low, broad-brimmed hat, a 
huge pair of Flemish trunk-hose, and a pipe that reached 
to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gallantly furnished, the 
stanch ship floated sideways, like a majestic goose, out of 
the harbor of the great city of Amsterdam, and all the 
bells, that were not otherwise engaged, rang a triple bob- 
major on the joyful occasion. 

My great-great-grandfather remarks, that the voyage 
was uncommonly prosperous, for, being under the es- 
pecial care of the ever-revered St. Nicholas, the Goede 
Vrouw seemed to be endowed with qualities unknown to 
common vessels. Thus she made as much leeway as 
headway, could get along very nearly as fast with the 
wind ahead as when it was a-poop, — and was particularly 
great in a calm ; in consequence of which singular advan- 
tages she made out to accomplish her voyage in a very 
few months, and came to anchor at the mouth of the 
Hudson, a little to the east of Gibbet Island. 

Here, lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what is at 
present called the Jersey shore, a small Indian village, 
pleasantly embowered in a grove of spreading elms, and 
the natives all collected on the beach, gazing in stupid 



COMMUNIPA W. 101 

admiration at the Goede Vioiiw. A boat was immediate- 
ly despatched to enter into a treaty with them, and ap- 
proaching the shore, hailed them through a trumpet, in 
the most friendly terms ; but so horribly confounded 
were these poor savages at the tremendous and uncouth 
sound of the Low-Dutch language, that they one and all 
took to their heels, and scampered over the Bergen hills ; 
nor did they stop until they had buried themselves, head 
and ears, in the marshes on the other side, where they all 
miserably perished to a man; — and their bones, being 
collected and decently covered by the Tammany Society 
of that day, formed that singular mound called Rattle- 
snake Hill, which rises out of the centre of the salt 
marshes a little to the east of the Newark Causeway. 

Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our valiant 
heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took possession of the 
soil as conquerors, in the name of their High Mighti- 
nesses the Lords States General ; and, marching fearlessly 
forward, carried the village of Communipaw by storm, not- 
withstanding that it was vigorously defended by some 
half a score of old squaws and pappooses. On looking 
about them they were so transported with the excellen- 
cies of the place, that they had very little doubt the bless- 
ed St. Nicholas had guided them thither, as the very 
spot whereon to settle their colony. The softness of the 
soil was wonderfully adapted to the driving of piles ; the 
swamps and marshes around them afforded ample oppor- 
tunities for the constructing of dykes and dams ; the shal- 



102 BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

lowness of tlie shore was peculiarly favorable to tlie 
building of docks ; — in a word, this spot abounded with 
all the requisites for the foundation of a great Dutch 
city. On making a faithful report, therefore, to the crew 
of the Goede Vrouw, they one and all determined that 
this was the destined end of their voyage. Accordingly 
they descended from the Goede Yrouw, men, women, and 
children, in goodly groups, as did the animals of yore 
from the ark, and formed themselves into a thriving settle- 
ment, which they called by the Indian name Communipaw. 
As all the world is doubtless perfectly acquainted with 
Communipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous to treat 
of it in the present work ; but my readers will please to 
recollect, notwithstanding it is my chief desire to satisfy 
the present age, yet I write likewise for posterity, and 
have to consult the understanding and curiosity of some 
half a score of centuries yet to come, by which time, 
perhaps, were it not for this invaluable history, the 
great Communipaw, like Babylon, Carthage, Nineveh, 
and other great cities, might be perfectly extinct, — sunk 
and forgotten in its own mud, — its inhabitants turned 
into oysters,* and even its situation a fertile subject of 
learned controversy and hard-headed investigation among 
indefatigable historians. Let me then piously rescue 
from oblivion the humble relics of a place, which was the 
egg from whence was hatched the mighty city of New 
York ! 

* Men by inaction degenerate into oysters. — Kaimes. 



COMMUNIPAW. 103 

Communipaw is at present but a small village, pleas- 
antly situated, among rural scenery, on that beauteous 
part of tlie Jersey shore which was known in ancient 
legends by the name of Pavonia,* and commands a grand 
prospect of the superb bay of New York. It is within 
but half an hour's sail of the latter place, provided you 
have a fair wind, and may be distinctly seen from the 
city. Nay, it is a well-known fact, which I can testify 
from my own experience, that on a clear, still summer 
evening, you may hear, from the Battery of New York, 
the obstreperous peals of broad-mouthed laughter of the 
Dutch negroes at Communipaw, who, like most other 
negroes, are famous for their risible powers. This is 
peculiarly the case on Sunday evenings, when, it is re- 
marked by an ingenious and observant philosoj^her, who 
has made great discoveries in the neighborhood of this 
city, that they always laugh loudest, which he attrib- 
utes to the circumstance of their having their holiday 
clothes on. 

These negroes, in fact, like the monks of the dark ages, 
engross all the knowledge of the place, and being infi- 
nitely more adventurous and more knowing than their 
masters, carry on all the foreign trade ; making frequent 
voyages to town in canoes loaded with oysters, butter- 
milk, and cabbages. They are great astrologers, predict- 
ing the different changes of weather almost as accurately 

* Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of country extending 
from about Hobokeu to Amboy. 



104 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

V as an almanac ; they are moreover exquisite performers 
on three-stringed fiddles ; in whistling they almost boast 
the far-famed powers of Orpheus's lyre, for not a horse 
or an ox in the place, when at the plough or before the 
wagon, will budge a foot until he hears the well-known 
whistle of his black driver and companion. — And from 
their amazing skill at casting up accounts upon their 
fingers, they are regarded with as much veneration as 
were the disciples of Pythagoras of yore, when initiated 
into the sacred quaternary of numbers. 

As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like wise 
men and sound philosophers, they never look beyond 
their pipes, nor trouble their heads about any afi'airs out 
of their immediate neighborhood; so that they live in 
profound and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, anx- 
ieties, and revolutions of this distracted planet. I am 
even told that many among them do verily believe that 
Holland, of which they have heard so much from tradi- 
tion, is situated somewhere on Long Island, — that Spik- 
ing-devil and the Narroivs are the two ends of the world, 
— that the country is still under the dominion of their 
High Mightinesses, — and that the city of New York still 
goes by the name of Nieuw Amsterdam. They meet 
every Saturday afternoon at the only tavern in the place, 
which bears as a sign a square-lieaded likeness of the 
Prince of Orange, where they smoke a silent pipe, by 
way of promoting social conviviality, and invariably drink 
a mug of cider to the success of Admiral Van Tromp, 



COMMUNIPA W. 105 

who they imagine is still sweeping the British channel, 
with a broom at his mast-head. 

Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little 
villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, 
which are so many strongholds and fastnesses, whither 
the primitive manners of our Dutch forefathers have re- 
treated, and where they are cherished with devout and 
scrupulous strictness. The dress of the original settlers 
is handed down inviolate, from father to son : the identi- 
cal broad-brimmed hat, broad-skirted coat, and broad- 
bottomed breeches, continue from generation to gener- 
ation ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of massy silver 
are still in wear, that made gallant display in the days 
of the patriarchs of Communipaw. The language like- 
wise continues unadulterated by barbarous innovations ; 
"and so critically correct is the village schoolmaster in 
his dialect, that his reading of a Low-Dutch psalm has 
much the same effect on the nerves as the filing of a 
handsaw. 




CHAPTEE in. 

TN WHICH IS SET FORTH THE TRUE ART OF MAKING A BARGAIN — TOGETHER WITH 

THE MIRACULOUS ESCAPE OF A GREAT METROPOLIS IN A FOG AND THE 

BIOGRAPHY OF CERTAIN HEROES OF COMMUNIPAW. 

AVING, in the trifling digression which con- 
cluded the last chapter, discharged the filial 
duty which the city of New York owed to Com- 
munipaw, as being the mother settlement, and having 
given a faithful picture of it as it stands at present, I re- 
turn with a soothing sentiment of self-approbation, to. 
dwell upon its early history. The crew of the Goede 
Vrouw being soon reinforced by fresh importations from 
Holland, the settlement went jollily on, increasing in 
magnitude and prosperity. The neighboring Indians in a 
short time became accustomed to the uncouth sound of 
the Dutch language, and an intercourse gradually took 
place between them and the new comers. The Indians 
were much given to long talks, and the Dutch to long 
silence; — in this particular, therefore, they accommodat- 
ed each other completely. The chiefs would make long 
speeches about the big bull, the Wabash, and the Great 
Spirit, to which the others would listen very attentively, 
smoke their pipes, and grunt yah^ myn-her, — whereat the 

106 



FUR TRADE. 107 

poor savages were wondrously delighted. They instruct- 
ed the new settlers in the best art of curing and smoking 
tobacco, while the latter, in return, made them drunk 
witli true Hollands — and then taught them the art of 
making bargains. 

A brisk trade for furs was soon opened ; the Dutch 
traders were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and 
purchased by weight, establishing it as an invariable 
table of avoirdupois, that the hand of a Dutchman 
weighed one pound, and his foot two pounds. It is true, 
the simple Indians were often puzzled by the great dip- 
proportion between bulk and weight, for let them place 
a bundle of furs, never so large, in one scale, and a 
Dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle 
was sure to kick the beam ; — never was a package of furs 
■ known to weigh more than two pounds in the market of 
Communipaw ! 

This is a singular fact, — but I have it direct from my 
great-great-grandfather, who had risen to considerable 
importance in the colony, being promoted to the office of 
weigli-master, on account of the uncommon heaviness of 
his foot. 

The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began 
now to assume a very thriving appearance, and were 
comprehended under the general titl^ of Nieuw Neder- 
landts, on account, as the sage Yander Donck observes, 
of their great resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands, — 
which indeed was truly remarkable, excepting that the 



108 EISTOBT OF NEW YORK. 

former were rugged and mountainous, and tlie latter level 
and marshy. About this time the tranquillity of the 
Dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary inter- 
ruption. In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing 
tinder a commission from Dale, governor of Virginia, 
visited the Dutch settlements on Hudson Kiver and 
demanded their submission to the English crown and 
Virginian dominion. To this arrogant demand, as they 
were in no condition to resist it, they submitted for the 
time, like discreet and reasonable men. 

It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested 
the settlement of Communipaw ; on the contrary, I am 
told that when his vessel first hove in sight, the worthy 
burghers were seized with such a panic, that they fell to 
smoking their pipes with astonishing vehemence ; inso- 
much that they quickly raised a cloud, which, combining 
with the surrounding woods and marshes, completely 
enveloped and concealed their beloved village, and over- 
hung the fair regions of Pavonia, — so that the terrible 
Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspicious that a 
sturdy little Dutch settlement lay snugly couched in the 
mud, under cover of all this pestilent vapor. In com- 
memoration of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabi- 
tants have continued to smoke, almost without inter- 
mission, unto this very day ; which is said to be the 
cause of the remarkable fog which often hangs over Com- 
munipaw of a clear afternoon. 

Upon the departure of the enemy, our worthy ances- 



OLOFFE VAN KORTLANDT. 109 

tors took full six months to recover tlieir wind and get 
over the consternation into which they had been thrown. 
They then called a council of safety to smoke over the 
state of the province. At this council presided one 
Oloffe Van Kortlandt, a personage who was held in great 
reverence among the sages of Communipaw for the vari- 
ety and darkness of his knowledge. He had originally 
been one of a set of peripatetic philosophers who passed 
much of their time sunning themselves on the side of 
the great canal of Amsterdam in Holland ; enjoying, like 
Diogenes, a free and unencumbered estate in sunshine. 
His name Kortlandt (Shortland or Lackland) was sup- 
posed, like that of the illustrious Jean Sansterre, to indi- 
cate that he had no land; but he insisted, on the con- 
trary, that he had great landed estates somewhere in 
Terra Incognita ; and he had come out to the new world 
to look after them. He was the first great land-specula- 
tor that we read of in these parts. 

Like all land-speculators, he was much given to dream- 
ing. Never did anything extraordinary happen at Com- 
munipaw but he declared that he had previously dreamt 
it, being one of those infallible prophets who predict 
events after they have come to pass. This supernatural 
gift was as highly valued among the burghers of Pavo- 
nia as among the enlightened nations of antiquity. The 
wise Ulysses was more indebted to his sleeping than his 
waking moments for his most subtle achievements, and 
seldom undertook any great exploit without first soundly 



110 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

sleeping upon it ; and the same may be said of Oloffe 
Van Kortlandt, whe was thence aptly denominated Oloffe 
the Dreamer. 

As yet his dreams and speculations had turned to little 
personal profit ; and he was as much a lack-land as ever. 
Still he carried a high head in the community; if his 
sugar-loaf hat was rather the worse for wear, he set it off 
with a taller cock's-tail ; if his shirt was none of the 
cleanest, he puffed it out the more at the bosom ; an,d if 
the tail of it peeped out of a hole in his breeches, it at 
least proved that it really had a tail and was not mere 
ruffle. 

The worthy Van Kortlandt, in the council in question, 
urged the policy of emerging from the swamps of Com- 
munipaw and seeking some more eligible site for the seat 
of empire. Such, he said, was the advice of the good St. 
Nicholas, who had appeared to him in a dream the night 
before ; and whom he had known by his broad hat, his 
long pipe, and the resemblance which he bore to the fig- 
ure on the bow of the Goede Vrouw. 

Many have thought this dream was a mere invention 
of Oloffe Van Kortlandt, who, it is said, had ever regarded 
Communipaw with an evil eye because he had arrived 
there after all the land had been shared out, and who was 
anxious to change the seat of empire to some new place, 
where he might be present at the distribution of " town 
lots." But we must not give heed to such insinuations, 
which are too apt to be advanced against those worthy 



I 



OLOFFE'S COADJUTORS. HI 

gentlemen engaged in laying out towns, and in other 
land-speculations. For my own part, I am disposed to 
place the same implicit faith in the vision of Oloffe the 
Dreamer that was manifested by the honest burghers of 
Communipaw, who one and all agreed that an expedition 
should be forthwith fitted out to go on a voyage of dis- 
covery in quest of a new seat of empire. 

This perilous enterprise was to be conducted by Oloffe 
himself; who chose as lieutenants or coadjutors Myn- 
heers Abraham Hardenbroeck, Jacobus Van Zandt, and 
"Winant Ten Broeck, — three indubitably great men, but 
of whose history, although I have made diligent inquiry, 
I can learn but little previous to their leaving Holland. 
Nor need this occasion much surprise ; for adventurers, 
like prophets, though they make great noise abroad, have 
seldom much celebrity in their own countries; but this 
much is certain, that the overflowings and offscourings of 
a country are invariably composed of the richest parts of 
the soil. And here I cannot help remarking how con- 
venient it would be to many of our great men and great 
families of doubtful origin, could they have the privilege 
of the heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was 
involved in obscurity, modestly announced themselves 
descended from a god, — and who never visited a foreign 
country but what they told some cock-and-])ull stories 
about their being kings and princes at home. This venal 
trespass on the truth, though it has been occasionally 
played off by some pseudo-marquis, l)ar()nct, and other 



112 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

illustrious foreigner, in our land of good-natured cre- 
dulity, has been completely discountenanced in this skep- 
tical, matter-of-fact age ; and I even question whether 
any tender virgin, who was accidentally and unaccount- 
ably enriched with a bantling, would save her character 
at parlor firesides and evening tea-parties by ascribing 
the phenomenon to a swan, a shower of gold, or a river 
god. 

Had I the benefit of mythology and classic fable above 
alluded to, I should have furnished the first of the trio 
with a pedigree equal to that of the proudest hero of an- 
tiquity. His name. Van Zandt, that is to say, from the 
sand, or, in common parlance, from the dirt, gave rea- 
son to suppose that, like Triptolemus, Themes, the 
Cyclops, and the Titans, he had sprung from Dame Terra, 
or the earth ! This supposition is strongly corroborated 
by his size, for it is well known that all the progeny 
of mother earth were of a gigantic stature ; and Van 
Zandt, we are told, was a tall, raw-boned man, above 
six feet high, with an astonishingly hard head. Nor is 
this origin of the illustrious Van Zandt a whit more im- 
probable or repugnant to belief than what is related and 
universally admitted of certain of our greatest, or rather 
richest men ; who, we are told with the utmost gravity, 
did originally spring from a dunghill ! 

Of the second of the trio but faint accounts have 
reached to this time, which mention that he was a sturdy, 
obstinate, worrying, bustling little man ; and, from being 



TEN BROECE. II3 

usually equipped in an old pair of buckskins, was famil- 
iarly dubbed Harden Broeck : that is to say, Hard in tlie 
Breech, or, as it was generally rendered. Tough Breeches. 

Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. It is 
a singular but ludicrous fact, — which, were I not scrupu- 
lous in recording the whole truth, I should almost be 
tempted to pass over in silence as incompatible with the 
gravity and dignity of history, — that this worthy gentle- 
man should likewise have been nicknamed from what in 
modern times is considered the most ignoble part of the 
dress. But in truth the small-clothes seems to have been 
a very dignified garment in the eyes of our venerated 
ancestors, in all probability from its covering that part 
of the body which has been pronounced " the seat of 
honor." 

The name of Ten Broeck, or, as it was sometimes 
spelled. Tin Broeck, has been indifferently translated into 
Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches. Certain elegant and in- 
genious writers on the subject declare in favor of Tin, or 
rather Thin Breeches ; whence they infer that the origi- 
nal bearer of it was a poor but merry rogue, whose 
galligaskins were none of the soundest, and who, perad- 
venture, may have been the author of that truly philo- 
sophical stanza : — 

"Then why should we quarrel for riches, 
Or any such glittering toys ; 
A light heart and thin pair nfhrcecliea. 
Will go through the world, my brave boys ! " 

8 



114 HISTORY OF liEW TORE. 

The more accurate commentators, however, declare in 
favor of the other reading, and affirm that the worthy in 
question was a burly, bulbous man, who, in sheer osten- 
tation of his venerable progenitors, was the first to intro- 
duce into the settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of ten 
pair of breeches. 

Such was the trio of coadjutors chosen by Oloffe the 
Dreamer to accompany him in this voyage into unknown 
realms ; as to the names of his crews, they have not been 
handed down by history. 

Having, as I before observed, passed much of his life 
in the open air, among the peripatetic philosophers of 
Amsterdam, Oloffe had become familiar with the asj)ect 
of the heavens, and could as accurately determine when 
a storm was brewing or a squall rising, as a dutiful hus- 
band can foresee, from the brow of his spouse, when a 
tempest is gathering about his ears. Having pitched 
upon a time, for his voyage when the skies appeared pro- 
pitious, he exhorted all his crews to take a good night's 
rest, wind up their family affairs, and make their wills ; 
precautions taken by our forefathers even in after-times 
when they became more adventurous, and voyaged to 
Haverstraw, or Kaatskill, or Groodt Esopus, or any other 
far country, beyond the great waters of the Tappaan Zee. 




CHAPTEK rV. 

HOW THE HEROES OF COMMUNIPAW VOYAGED TO HELL-GATE, AND HOW THEl 
WERE RECEIVED THERE. 

ND now the rosy blush, of morn began to mantle 
in the east, and soon the rising sun, emerging 
from amidst golden and purple clouds, shed his 
blithesome rays on the tin weathercocks of Communi- 
paw. It was that delicious season of the year, when na- 
ture, breaking from the chilling thraldom of old winter, 
like a blooming damsel from the tyranny of a sordid old 
father, threw herself, blushing with ten thousand charms, 
into the arms of youthful spring. Every tufted copse 
and blooming grove resounded with the notes of hyme- 
neal love. The very insects, as they sipped the dew that 
gemmed the tender grass of the meadows, joined in the 
joyous epithalamium, — the virgin bud timidly put forth 
its blushes, "the voice of the turtle was heard in the 
land," and the heart of man dissolved away in tenderness. 
Oh ! sweet Theocritus ! had I thine oaten reed, where- 
with thou erst did charm the gay Sicilian plains ; — or, 
oh ! gentle Bion ! thy pastoral pipe, wherein the hfippy 
swains of the Lesbian isle so much delighted, then might 
I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or negligent Idyllium, 

115 



116 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

the rural beauties of the scene ; — but having nothing, 
save this jaded goosequill, wherewith to wing my flight, I 
must fain resign all poetic disportings of the fancy and 
pursue my narrative in humble prose ; comforting myself 
with the hope, that, though it may not steal so sweetly 
upon the imagination of my reader, yet it may commend 
itself with virgin modesty to his better judgment, clothed 
in the chaste and simple garb of truth. 

No sooner did tlie first rays of cheerful Phcebus dart 
into the windows of Communipaw, than the little settle- 
ment was all in motion. Forth issued from his castle the 
sags Yan Kortlandt, and seizing a conch shell, blew a far 
resounding blast, that soon summoned all his lusty fol- 
lowers. Then did they trudge resolutely down to the 
water-side, escorted by a multitude of relatives and 
friends, who all went down, as the common phrase ex- 
presses it, " to see them off." And this shows the antiq- 
uity of those long family processions, often seen in our 
city, composed of all ages, sizes, and sexes, laden with 
bundles and bandboxes, escorting some bevy of country 
cousins, about to depart for home in a market-boat. 

The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a squadron of 
three canoes, and hoisted his flag on board a little round 
Dutch boat, shaped not unlike a tub, which had formerly 
been the jolly-boat of the Goede Vrouw. And now, all 
being embarked, they bade farewell to the gazing throng 
upon the beach, who continued shouting after them, even 
when out of hearing, wishing them a happy voyage, ad- 



I 



HOW THE ISLANDS CAME. 117 

vising them to take good care of themselves not to get 
drowned, — with an abundance other of those sage and 
invaluable cautions, generally given by landsmen to such 
as go down to the sea in ships, and adventure upon 
the deep waters. In the meanwhile the voyagers cheer- 
ily urged their course across the crystal bosom of the 
bay, and soon left behind them the green shores of an- 
cient Pavonia. 

And first they touched at two small islands which lay 
nearly opposite Communipaw, and which are said to have 
been brought into existence about the time of the great 
irruption of the Hudson, when it broke through the 
Highlands and made its way to the ocean.* For in this 
tremendous uproar of the waters, we are told that many 
huge fragments of rock and land were rent from the 
mountains and swept down by this runaway river, for 
sixty or seventy miles ; where some of them ran aground 
on the shoals just opposite Communipaw, and formed the 
identical islands in question, while others drifted out to 
sea, and were never heard of more ! A sufficient proof of 

* It is a matter long since established by certain of our philosophers, — 
that is to say, having been ofton advanced, and never contradicted, it has 
grown to be pretty nigh cijual to a settled fact, — that the Hudson was 
originally a lake dammed up by the mountains of the Highlands. In 
process of time, however, becoming very mighty and obstreperous, and 
the mountains waxing pursy, dropsical, and weak in the back, by reason 
of their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them, and after a violent 
struggle effected its escape. This is said to have come to pass in very 
remote time, probably before that rivers had lost the art of running uphill. 
The foregoing is a theory in which I do not pretend to be skilled, notwith- 
standing that 1 do fully give it my belief. 



118 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the fact is, that the rock which forms the bases of these 
islands is exactly similar to that of the Highlands, and, 
moreover, one of our philosophers, who has diligently 
compared the agreement of their respective surfaces, has 
even gone so far as to assure me, in confidence, that Gib- 
bet Island was originally nothing more nor less than a 
wart on Anthony's nose.* 

Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next coasted 
by Governor's Island, since terrible from its frowning 
fortress and grinning batteries. They would by no 
means, however, land upon this island, since they doubt- 
ed much it might be the abode of demons and spirits, 
which in those days did greatly abound throughout this 
savage and pagan country. 

Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises came roll- 
ing and tumbling by, turning up their sleek sides to the 
sun, and spouting up the briny element in sparkling 
showers. No sooner did the sage Oloffe mark this, than 
he was greatly rejoiced. " This," exclaimed he, " if I 
mistake not, augurs well : the porpoise is a fat, well-con- 
ditioned fish, — a burgomaster among fishes, — his looks 
betoken ease, plenty, and prosperity ; I greatly admire 
this round fat fish, and doubt not but this is a happy 
omen of the success of our undertaking." So saying, he 
directed his squadron to steer in the track of these 
alderman fishes. 

* A promontory in the Highlands. 



THROUGH THE EAST RIVER. 119 

Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they swept up 
the strait vulgarly called the East River. And here the 
rapid tide which courses through this strait, seizing on 
the gallant tub in which Commodore Van Kortlandt had 
embarked, hurried it forward with a velocity unparalleled 
in a Dutch boat, navigated by Dutchmen ; insomuch that 
the good commodore, who had all his life long been ac- 
customed only to the drowsy navigation of canals, was 
more than ever convinced that they were in the hands of 
some supernatural power, and that the Jolly porpoises 
were towing them to some fair haven that was to fulfil 
all their wishes and expectations. 

Thus borne away by the resistless current, they dou- 
bled that boisterous point of land since called Corlear's 
Hook,'^ and leaving to the right the rich winding cove 
of the Wallabout, they drifted into a magnificent expanse 
of water, surrounded by pleasant shores, whose verdure 
was exceedingly refreshing to the eye. While the voy- 
agers were looking around them, on what they conceived 
to be a serene and sunny lake, they beheld at a distance 
a crew of painted savages, busily employed in fishing, 
who seemed more like the genii of this romantic region, 
— their slender canoe lightly balanced like a feather on 
the undulating surface of the bay. 

At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of Commu- 
nipaw were not a little troubled. But as good-fortune 

* Properly spelt hoech (i. e. a point of land). 



120 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

would have it, at the bow of the commodore's boat was 
stationed a very valiant man, named Hendrick Kip 
(which, being interpreted, means chicken, a name given 
him in token of his courage). No sooner did he behold 
these varlet heathens than he trembled with excessive 
valor, and although a good half-mile distant, he seized a 
musketoon that lay at hand, and turning away his head, 
fired it most intrepidly in the face of the blessed sun. 
The blundering weapon recoiled and gave the valiant 
Kip an ignominious kick, which laid him prostrate with 
uplifted heels in the bottom of the boat. But such was 
the effect of this tremendous fire, that the wild men of 
the woods, struck with consternation, seized hastily upon 
their paddles, and shot away into one of the deep inlets 
of the Long Island shore. 

This signal victory gave new spirits to the voyagers ; 
and in honor of the achievement they gave the name of 
the valiant Kip to the surrounding bay, and it has con- 
tinued to be called Kip's Bay from that time to the pres- 
ent. The heart of the good Van Kortlandt — who, having 
no land of his own, was a great admirer of other people's 
— expanded to the full size of a pepper-corn at the sump- 
tuous prospect of rich unsettled country around him, and 
falling into a delicious revery, he straightway began to 
riot in the possession of vast meadows of salt marsh and 
interminable patches of cabbages. From this delectable 
vision he was all at once awakened by the sudden turn- 
ing of the tide, which would soon have hurried him from 



A DISCU88J0JV^. 121 

this land of promise, had not the discreet navigator given 
signal to steer for shore ; where they accordingly landed 
hard by the rocky heights of Bellevue, — that happy re- 
treat, where our jolly aldermen eat for the good of the 
city, and fatten the turtle that are sacrificed on civic 
solemnities. 

Here, seated on the greensward, by the side of a small 
stream that ran sparkling among the grass, they refresh- 
ed themselves after the toils of the seas, by feasting 
lustily on the ample stores which they had provided for 
this perilous voyage. Thus having well fortified their 
deliberative powers, they fell into an earnest consulta- 
tioUj what was farther to be done. This was the first 
council-dinner ever eaten at Bellevue by Christian burgh- 
ers ; and here, as tradition relates, did originate the great 
family feud between the Hardenbroecks and the Ten- 
broecks, which afterwards had a singular influence on the 
building of the city. The sturdy Hardenbroeck, whose 
eyes had been wondrously delighted with the salt marshes 
which spread their reeking bosoms along the coast, at 
the bottom of Kip's Bay, counselled by all means to re- 
turn thither, and found the intended city. This was 
strenuously opposed by the unbending Ten Broeck, and 
many testy arguments passed between them. The partic- 
ulars of this controversy have not reached us, which is 
ever to be lamented ; this much is certain, that the sage 
Oloffe put an end to the dispute by determining to ex- 
plore still farther in the route which the mysterious 



122 BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

porpoises had so clearly pointed out; — whereupon the 
sturdy Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition, took 
possession of a neighboring hill, and in a fit of great 
wrath peopled all that tract of country, which has con- 
tinued to be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks unto this 
very day. 

By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some wanton urchin 
sporting on the side of a green hill, began to roll down 
the declivity of the heavens ; and now, the tide having 
once more turned in their favor, the Pavonians again 
committed themselves to its discretion, and coasting 
along the western shores, were borne towards the straits 
of Black well's Island. 

And here the capricious wanderings of the current oc- 
casioned not a little marvel and perplexity to these illus- 
trious mariners. Now would they be caught by the wan- 
ton eddies, and, sweeping round a jutting point, would 
wind deep into some romantic little cove, that indented 
the fair island of Manna hatta ; now were they hurried 
narrowly by the very bases of impending rocks, mantled 
with the flaunting grape-vine, and crowned with groves 
which threw a broad shade on the waves beneath ; and 
anon they were borne away into the mid-channel and 
Avafted along with a rapidity that very much discomposed 
the sage Van Kortlandt, who, as he saw the land swiftly 
receding on either side, began exceedingly to doubt that 
terra firma was giving them the slip. 

Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new crea- 



WITCHING SCENES. 123 

tion seemed to bloom around. No signs of human thrift 
appeared to check the delicious wildness of nature, 
who here revelled in all her luxuriant variety. Those 
hills, now bristled, like the fretful porcupine, with rows 
of poplars, (vain upstart plants ! minions of wealth and 
fashion !) were then adorned with the vigorous natives 
of the soil : the lordly oak, the generous chestnut, the 
graceful elm, — while here and there the tulip-tree reared 
its majestic head, the giant of the forest. Where now 
are seen the gay retreats of luxury, — villas half buried in 
twilight bowers, whence the amorous flute oft breathes 
the sighings of some city swain, — there the fish-hawk 
built his solitary nest on some dry tree that overlooked 
his watery domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed 
along those shores now hallowed by the lovers' moon- 
light walk, and printed by the slender foot of beauty ; 
and a savage solitude extended over those happy regions, 
where now are reared the stately towers of the Joneses, 
the Schermerhornes, and the Rhinelanders. 

Thus gliding in silent wonder through these new and 
unknown scenes, the gallant squadron of Pavonia swept 
by the foot of a promontory, which strutted forth boldly 
into the waves, and seemed to frown upon them as they 
brawled against its base. This is the bluff well known 
to modem mariners by the name of Grade's Point, from 
the fair castle which, like an elephant, it carries upon its 
back. And here broke upon their view a wild and varied 
prospect, where land and water were bcauteously inter- 



124 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

mingled, as tliougli they had combined to heighten and 
set off each other's charms. To the right lay the sedgy 
point of Blackwell's Island, drest in the fresh garniture 
of living green, — beyond it stretched the pleasant coast 
of Sundswick, and the small harbor well known by the 
name of Hallet's Cove, — a place infamous in latter days, 
by reason of its being the haunt of pirates who infest 
these seas, robbing orchards and watermelon patches, 
and insulting gentlemen navigators, when voyaging in 
their pleasure-boats. To the left a deep bay, or rather 
creek, gracefully receded between shores fringed with 
forests, and forming a kind of vista, through which were 
beheld the sylvan regions of Haerlem, Morrisania, and 
East Chester. Here the eye reposed with delight on a 
richly wooded country, diversified by tufted knolls, shad- 
owy intervals, and waving lines of upland, swelling above 
each other, while over the whole the purple mists of 
spring diffused a hue of soft voluptuousness. 

Just before them the grand course of the stream, 
making a sudden bend, wound among embowered prom- 
ontories and shores of emerald verdure, that seemed to 
melt into the wave. A character of gentleness and mild 
fertility prevailed around. The sun had just descended, 
and the thin haze of twilight, like a transparent veil 
drawn over the bosom of virgin beauty, heightened the 
charms which it half concealed. 

Ah! witching scenes of foul delusion. Ah! hapless 
voyagers, gazing with simple wonder on these Circean 



HELL GATE. 125 

shores ! Such, alas ! are they, poor easy souls, who listen 
to the seductions of a wicked world, — treacherous are its 
smiles! fatal its caresses. He who yields to its entice- 
ments launches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his fee- 
ble bark among the dimpling eddies of a whirlpool ! And 
thus it fared with the worthies of Pavonia, who, little 
mistrusting the guileful scene before them, drifted quiet- 
ly on, until they were aroused by an uncommon tossing 
and agitation of their vessels. For now the late dimpling 
current began to brawl around them, and the waves to 
boil and foam with horrific fury. Awakened as if from a 
dream, the astonished Oloffe bawled aloud to put about, 
but his words were lost amid the roaring of the waters. 
And now ensued a scene of direful consternation. At one 
time they were borne with dreadful velocity among tu- 
multuous breakers ; at another, hurried down boisterous 
rapids. Now they were nearly dashed upon the Hen and 
Chickens ; (infamous rocks ! — more voracious than Scylla 
and her whelps;) and anon they seemed sinking into 
yawning gulfs, that threatened to entomb them beneath 
the waves. All the elements combined to produce a 
hideous confusion. The waters raged, the winds howled ; 
and as they were hurried along, several of the astonished 
mariners beheld the rocks and trees of the neighboring 
shores driving through the air! 

At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van Kortlaudt 
was drawn into the vortex of that tremendous whirlpool 
called the Pot, where it was whirled about in giddy 



126 BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

mazes, until tlie senses of tlie good commander and liis 
crew were overpowered by the horror of the scene, and 
the strangeness of the revolution. 

How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was snatched 
from the jaws of this modern Charybdis, has never been 
truly made known, for so many survived to tell the tale, 
and, what is still more wonderful, told it in so many dif- 
ferent ways, that there has ever prevailed a great variety 
of opinions on the subject. 

As to the commodore and his crew, when they came 
to their senses, they found themselves stranded on the 
Long Island shore. The worthy commodore, indeed, 
used to relate many and wonderful stories of his adven- 
tures in this time of peril : how that he saw spectres 
flying in the air, and heard the yelling of hobgoblins, 
and put his hand into the pot when they were whirled 
round, and found the water scalding hot, and beheld sev- 
eral uncouth-looking beings seated on rocks and skim- 
ming it with huge ladles ; but particularly he declared 
with great exultation, that he saw the losel porpoises, 
which had betrayed them into this peril, some broiling 
on the Gridiron, and others hissing on the Frying-pan ! 

These, however, were considered by many as mere 
fantasies of the commodore, while he lay in a trance ; 
especially as he was known to be given to dreaming ; 
and the truth of them has never been clearly ascertained. 
It is certain, however, that to the accounts of Oloffe and 
his followers may be traced the various traditions handed 



BELLE-GAT. 127 

down of this marvellous strait : as how the devil has 
been seen there, sitting astride of the Hog's Back and 
playing on the fiddle, — how he broils fish there before a 
storm; and many other stories in which we must be 
cautious of putting too much faith. In consequence of 
all these terrific circumstances, the Pavonian commander 
gave this pass the name of Helle-gat, or, as it has been 
interpreted, Hell- Gate ; "■'■ which it continues to bear at 
the present day. 

* This is a narrow strait in the Sound, at the distance of six miles 
above New Torli. It is dangerous to shipping, unless under the care 
of skilful pilots, by reason of numerous rocks, shelves, and whirlpools. 
These have received sundry appellations, such as the Gridiron, Frying- 
pan, Hog's Back, Pot, &c., and arc very violent and turbulent at certain 
times of tide. Certain mealy-mouthed men, of squeamish consciences, 
who are loth to give the Devil his due, have softened the above character- 
istic name into Hurl-g&ie, forsooth ! Let those take care how they venture 
into the Gate, or they may be hurled into the Pot before they are aware of 
it. The name of this strait, as given by our author, is supported by the 
map in Vander Donck's history, published in 1656, — by Ogilvie's History 
of America, 1671, — as also by a journal still extant, written in the 16th 
century, and to be found in Hazard's State Papers. And an old MS. 
written in French, speaking of various alterations in names about this 
city, observes, "X'e Ilellt-gal, trou d'Enfer, ils out fait Hell-gate, Porte 
d'Eufer." 



CHAPTEE V. 

HOW THE HEROES OF COMMTJNIPAAV KETURNED SOMEWHAT WISER THAN THEt 
WENT — AND HOW THE SAGE OLOFFE DREAMED A DREAM — AND THE DREAM 
THAT HE DREAMED. 

HE darkness of night had closed upon this dis- 
astrous day, and a doleful night was it to the 
shipwrecked Pavonians, whose ears were inces- 
santly assailed with the raging of the elements, and the 
howling of the hobgoblins that infested this perfidious 
strait. But when the morning dawned, the horrors of 
the preceding evening had passed away ; rapids, break- 
ers, and whirlpools had disappeared ; the stream again 
ran smooth and dimpling, and having changed its tide, 
rolled gently back, towards the quarter where lay their 
much-regretted home. 

The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each 
other w^th rueful countenances ; their squadron had been 
totally dispersed by the late disaster. Some were cast 
upon the western shore, where, headed by one Kuleff 
Hopper, they took possession of all the country lying 
about the six-mile stone ; which is held by the Hoppers 
at this present writing. 

The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather to a 

128 



TEE FATE OF THE TRAVELLERS. 129 

distant coast, where, having with them a jug of genuine 
Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate the savages, 
setting up a kind of tavern ; whence, it is said, did spring 
the fair town of Haerlem, in which their descendants 
have ever since continued to be reputable publicans. As 
to the Suydams, they were thrown upon the Long Island 
coast, and may still be found in those parts. But the 
most singular luck attended the great Ten Broeck, who, 
falling overboard, was miraculously preserved from sink- 
ing by the multitude of his nether garments. Thus 
buoyed up, he floated on the waves like a merman, or 
like an angler's dobber, until he landed safely on a rock, 
where he was found the next morning, busily drying his 
many breeches in the sunshine. 

I forbear to treat of the long consultation of Oloffe 
with his remaining followers, in which they determined 
that it would never do to found a city in so diabolical a 
neighborhood. Suffice it in simple brevity to say, that 
they once more committed themselves, with fear and 
trembling, to the briny elements, and steered their 
course back again through the scenes of their yesterday's 
voyage, determined no longer to roam in search of dis- 
tant sites, but to settle themselves down in the marshy 
regions of Pavonia. 

Scarce, however, had they gained a distant view of 
Commuiiipaw, when they were encountered by an ob- 
stinate eddy, which opposed their homeward voyage. 
"Weary and dispirited as they were, they yet tugged a 
9 



130 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

feeble oar against the stream ; until, as if to settle the 
strife, half a score of potent billows rolled the' tub of 
Commodore Yan Kortlandt high and dry on the long 
point of an island which divided the bosom of the bay. 

Some pretend that these billows were sent by old Nep- 
tune to strand the expedition on a spot whereon was to 
be founded his stronghold in this western world ; others, 
more pious, attribute everything to the guardianship of 
the good St. Nicholas ; and after-events will be found to 
corroborate this opinion. Oloffe Van Kortlandt was a 
devout trencherman. Every repast was a kind of re- 
ligious rite with him ; and his first thought on finding 
him once more on dry ground, was, how he should con- 
trive to celebrate his wonderful escape from Hell-gate 
and all its horrors by a solemn banquet. The stores 
which had been provided for the voyage by the good 
housewives of Communipaw were nearly exhausted, but, 
in casting his eyes about, the commodore beheld that the 
shore abounded with oysters. A great store of these 
was instantly collected ; a fire was made at the foot of a 
tree ; all hands fell to roasting and broiling and stewing 
and frying, and a sumptuous repast was soon set forth. 
This is thought to be the origin of those civic feasts with 
which, to the present day, all our public affairs are cele- 
brated, and in which the oyster is ever sure to play an 
important part. 

On the present occasion, the worthy Van Kortlandt was 
observed to be particularly zealous in his devotions to 



OLOFFE'8 STRANGE DREAM. 131 

the trencher ; for having the cares of the expedition es- 
pecially committed to his care, he deemed it incumbent 
on him to eat profoundly for the public good. In pro- 
portion as he filled himself to the very brim with the 
dainty viands before him, did the heart of this excellent 
burgher rise up towards his throat, until he seemed 
crammed and almost choked with good eating and good- 
nature. And at such times it is, when a man's heart is 
in his throat, that he may more truly be said to sj)eak 
from it, and his speeches abound with kindness and good 
fellowship. Thus havinj swallowed the last possible 
morsel, and washed it down with a fervent potation, 
01o£fe felt his heart yearning, and his whole frame in a 
manner dilating with unbounded benevolence.. Every- 
thing around him seemed excellent and delightful ; and 
laying his hands on each side of his capacious periphery, 
and rolling his half-closed eyes around on the beautiful 
diversity of land and water before him, he exclaimed, in 
a fat half-smothered voice, "What a charming pros- 
pect ! " The words died away in his throat,— he seemed 
to ponder on the fair scene for a moment, — his eyelids 
heavily closed over their orbs, — his head drooped upon 
his bosom, — he slowly sank upon the green turf, and a 
deep sleep stole gradually over him. 

And the sage Oloflfe dreamed a dream, — and lo, the 
good St. Nicholas came riding over the tops of the trees, 
in that self-same wagon wherein he brings his yearly 
presents to children, and he descended hard by where 



132 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the heroes of Communipaw had made their late repast. 
And he lit his pipe by the fire, and sat himself down and 
smoked ; and as he smoked, the smoke from his pipe as- 
cended into the air and spread like a cloud overhead. 
And Olofife bethought him, and he hastened and climbed 
Tip to the top of one of the tallest trees, and saw that the 
smoke spread over a great extent of country ; and as he 
considered it more attentively, he fancied that the great 
volume of smoke assumed a variety of marvellous forms, 
•where in dim obscurity he saw shadowed out palaces 
and domes and lofty spires, all of which lasted but a mo- 
ment, and then faded away, until the whole rolled off, 
and nothing but the green woods were left. And when 
St. Nicholas had smoked his pipe, he twisted it in his 
hatband, and laying his finger beside his nose, gave the 
astonished Van Kortlandt a very significant look ; then, 
mounting his wagon, he returned over the tree-tops and 
disappeared. 

And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly in- 
structed ; and he aroused his companions and related to 
them his dream, and interpreted it, that it was the will of 
St. Nicholas that they should settle down and build the 
city here ; and that the smoke of the pipe was a type 
how vast would be the extent of the city, inasmuch as 
the volumes of its smoke would spread over a wide extent 
of country. And they all with one voice assented to this 
interpretation, excepting Mynheer Ten Broeck, who de- 
clared the meaning to be that it would be a city wherein 



THE HAPPY BETURN. 133 

a little fire would occasion a great smoke, or, in other 
words, a very vaporing little city ; — both which interpre- 
tations have strangely come to pass ! 

The great object of their perilous expedition, therefore, 
being thus happily accomplished, the voyagers returned 
merrily to Communipaw, — where they we»e received with 
great rejoicings. And here, calling a general meeting of 
all the wise men and the dignitaries of Pavonia, they re- 
lated the whole history of their voyage, and of the dream 
of Oloflfe Van Kortlandt. And the people lifted up their 
voices and blessed the good St. Nicholas ; and from that 
time forth the sage Van Kortlandt was held in more 
honor than ever, for his great talent at dreaming, and 
was pronounced a most useful citizen and a right good 
man — when he was asleep. 



CHAPTER YI. 



CONTAINING AN ATTEMPT AT ETYMOLOGY — AND OF THE FOUNDING OF THE 
GKEAT CITY OF NEW AMSTERDAM. 



HE original name of the island, whereon the 
squadron of Communipaw was thus propitious- 
ly thrown, is a matter of some dispute, and has 
already undergone considerable vitiation, — a melancholy 
proof of the instability of all sublunary things, and the 
vanity of all our hopes of lasting fame ; for who can ex- 
pect his name will live to posterity, when even the names 
of mighty islands are thus soon lost in contradiction and 
uncertainty ! 

The name most current at the present day, and which 
is likewise countenanced by the great historian Yander 
Donck, is Manhattan ; which is said to have originated in 
a custom among the squaws, in the early settlement, of 
wearing men's hats, as is still done among many tribes. 
"Hence," as we are told by an old governor who was 
somewhat of a wag, and flourished almost a century since, 
and had paid a visit to the wits of Philadelphia, — "hence 
arose the appellation of man-hat-on, first given to the 
Indians, and afterwards to the island," — a stupid joke ! 
but well enough for a governor. 

Among the more venerable sources of information on 

134 



VARIOUS ETYMOLOGIES. 135 

this subject is that vahiable history of the American 
possessions, written by Master Richard Blome, in 1687, 
wherein it is called Manhadaes and Manahanent; nor 
must I forget the excellent little book, full of precious 
matter, of that authentic historian John Josselyn, Gent., 
who expressly calls it Manadaes. 

Another etymology, still more ancient, and sanctioned 
by the countenance of our ever-to-be-lamented Dutch 
ancestors, is that found in certain letters still extant,* 
which passed between the early governors and their 
neighboring powers, wherein it is called indifferently 
Monhattoes, Munhatos, and Manhattoes, which are evi- 
dently unimportant variations of the same name ; for our 
wise forefathers set little store by those niceties either in 
orthography or orthoepy, which form the sole study and 
ambition of many learned men and women of this hyper- 
critical age. This last name is said to be derived from 
the great Indian spirit Manetho, who was supposed to 
make this island his favorite abode, on account of its un- 
common delights. For the Indian traditions affirm that 
the bay was once a translucid lake, filled with silver and 
golden fish, in the midst of which lay this beautiful 
island, covered with every variety of fruits and flowers ; 
but that the sudden irruption of the Hudson laid waste 
these blissful scenes, and Manetho took his flight beyond 
the great waters of Ontario. 

* Yide, llazard's Col. Stat. Pap. 



136 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

These, however, are very fabulous legends, to which 
very cautious credence must be given; and though I am 
willing to admit the last-quoted orthography of the name 
as very fit for prose, yet is there another which I pecu- 
liarly delight in, as at once poetical, melodious, and sig- 
nificant, and which we have on the authority of master 
Juet ; who, in his account of the voyage of the great Hud- 
son, calls this Manna-hata, that is to say, the island of 
manna, or, in other words, a land flowing with milk and 
honey. 

Still, my deference to the learned obliges me to notice 
the opinion of the worthy Dominie Heckwelder, which 
ascribes the name to a great drunken bout held on the 
island by the Dutch discoverers, whereat they made cer- 
tain of the natives most ecstatically drunk for the first 
time in their lives ; who, being delighted with their jovial 
entertainment, gave the place the name of Mannahatta- 
nink, that is to say. The Island of Jolly Topers : a name 
which it continues to merit to the present day.* 

* MSS. of the Rev. John Heckwelder, iu the archives of the New York 
Historical Society. 




CHAPTER YII. 

HOW THE PEOPLE OP PAVONIA MIGRATED FROM COMMUNIPAW TO THE ISLAND OP 
MANNA-HATA — AND HOW OLOFFE THE DREAMER PROVED HIMSELF A GREAT 
LAND-SPECULATOR. 

T having been solemnly resolved that the seat 
of empire should be removed from the green 
shores of Pavonia to the pleasant island of 
Manna-hata, everybody was anxious to embark under the 
standard of Oloffe the Dreamer, and to be among the 
first sharers of the promised land. A day was appointed 
for the grand migration, and on that day little Communi- 
paw was in a buzz and a bustle like a hive in swarming- 
time. Houses were turned inside out and stripped of the 
venerable furniture which had come from Holland; all 
the community, great and small, black and white, man, 
woman, and child, was in commotion, forming lines from 
the houses to the water-side, like lines of ants from an 
ant-hill ; everybody laden with some article of household 
furniture; while busy housewives plied backwards and 
forwards along the lines, helping everything forward by 
the nimbleness of their tongues. 

By degrees a fleet of boats and canoes were piled up 
with all kinds of household articles : ponderous tables ; 

137 



138 EI8T0BT OF NEW YORE. 

chests of drawers resplendent with brass ornaments; 
quaint corner-cupboards; beds and bedsteads; with any 
quantity of pots, kettles, frying-pans, and Dutch ovens. 
In each boat embarked a whole family, from the robus- 
tious burgher down to the cats and dogs and little ne- 
groes. In this way they set off across the mouth of the 
Hudson, under the guidance of Oloffe the Dreamer, who 
hoisted his standard on the leading boat. 

This memorable migration took place on the first of 
May, and was long cited in tradition as the grand moving. 
The anniversary of it was piously observed among the 
" sons of the pilgrims of Communipaw," by turning their 
houses topsy-turvy and carrying all the furniture through 
the streets, in emblem of the swarming of the parent- 
hive ; and this is the real origin of the universal agitation 
and " moving " by which this most restless of cities is lit- 
erally turned out of doors on every May-day. 

As the little squadron from Communipaw drew near to 
the shores of Manna-hata, a sachem, at the head of a 
band of warriors, appeared to oppose their landing. 
Some of the most zealous of the pilgrims were for chas- 
tising this insolence with powder and ball, according to 
the approved mode of discoverers ; but the sage Oloffe 
gave them the significant sign of St. Nicholas, laying his 
finger beside his nose and vdnking hard with one eye ; 
whereupon his followers perceived that there was some- 
thing sagacious in the wind. He now addressed the In- 
dians in the blandest terms; and made such tempting 



i 



MYNHEER TEN BREECHES. 139 

display of beads, hawks'-bells, and red blankets, that lie 
was soon permitted to land, and a great land-speculation 
ensued. And here let me give the true story of the origi- 
nal purchase of the site of this renowned city, about 
which so much has been said and written. Some affirm 
that the first cost was but sixty guilders. The learned 
Dominie Heckwelder records a tradition* that the Dutch 
discoverers bargained for only so much land as the hide 
of a bullock would cover ; but that they cut the hide in 
strips no thicker than a child's finger, so as to take in a 
large portion of land, and to take in the Indians into the 
bargain. This, however, is an old fable which the worthy 
Dominie may have borrowed from antiquity. The true 
version is, that Oloffe Van Kortlandt bargained for just 
so much land as a man could cover with his nether gar- 
ments. The terms being concluded, he produced his 
friend Mynheer Ten Broeck as the man whose breeches 
were to be used in measurement. Tlie simple savages, 
whose ideas of a man's nether garments had never ex- 
panded beyond the dimensions of a breech-clout, stared 
witli astonishment and dismay as they beheld this bul- 
bous-bottomed burgher peeled like an onion, and 
breeches after breeches spread forth over the laud until 
they covered the actual site of this venerable city. 

This is the true history of the adroit bargain by which 
the island of Manhattan was bought for sixty guilders ; 

* MSS. of the Rev. John Heckwelder ; New York Historical Society. 



140 EISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

and in corroboration of it I will add, that Mynheer Ten 
Breeches, for his services on this memorable occasion, 
was elevated to the office of land-measurer ; which he 
ever afterwards exercised in the colony. 




MYNHEKR TEN BROIXK AS A LAND SURVEYOR. 



CHAPTEK Vm. * 



OP THE FOtrNDING AND NAMING OF THE NEW CITY ; OF THE CITY ARMS ; AND 
OF THE DIKEFUL FEUD BETWEEN TEN BKEECHES AND TOUGH BKEECUES. 

HE land being thus fairly purchased of the 
Indians, a circumstance very unusual in the 
history of colonization, and strongly illustrative 
of the honesty of our Dutch progenitors, a stockade fort 
and trading-house were forthwith erected on an eminence 
in front of the place where the good St. Nicholas had 
appeared in a vision to Oloffe the Dreamer, and which, 
as has already been observed, was the identical place at 
present known as the Bowling Green. 

Around this fort a progeny of little Dutch-built houses, 
with tiled roofs and weathercocks, soon sprang up, nest- 
ling tliemselves under its walls for protection, as a brood 
of half-fledged chickens nestle under the wings of the 
mother hen. The whole was surrounded by an enclosure 
of strong palisadoes, to guard against any sudden irrup- 
tion of the savages. Outside of these extended the corn- 
fields and cabbage-gardens of the community, with here 
and there an attempt at a tobacco-plantation ; all cover- 
ing those tracts of country at present called Broadway, 
Wall Street, William Street, and Pearl Street. 

141 



142 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

I nmst not omit to mention, that, in portioning out the 
land, a goodly "bowerie," or farm, was allotted to the 
sage Oloffe in consideration of the service he had ren- 
dered to the public by his talent at dreaming ; and the 
site of his " bowerfe " is known by the name of Kortlandt 
(or Cortlandt) Street to the present day. 

And now the infant settlement 'having advanced in age 
and stature, it was thought high time it should receive an 
honest Christian name. Hitherto it had gone by the 
original Indian name Manna-hata, or, as some will have 
it, " The Manhattoes " ; but this was now decried as sav- 
age and heathenish, and as tending to keep up the mem- 
ory of the pagan brood that originally possessed it. 
Many were the consultations held upon the subject, with- 
out coming to a conclusion, for though everybody con- 
demned the old name, nobody could invent a new one. 
At length, when the council was almost in despair, a 
burgher, remarkable for the size and squareness of his 
head, proposed that they should call it New Amsterdam. 
The proposition took everybody by surprise; it was so 
striking, so apposite, so ingenious. The name was adoj^ted 
by acclamation, and New Amsterdam the metropolis was 
thenceforth called. Still, however, the early authors of 
the province continued to call it by the general appella- 
tion of " The Manhattoes," and the poets fondly clung to 
the euphonious name of Manna-hata ; but those are a 
kind of folk whose tastes and notions should go for noth- 
ing in matters of this kind. 



TEE GREAT DISCUSSION. 143 

Having thus provided the embryo city with a name, 
the next was to give it an armorial bearing or device, as 
some cities have a rampant lion, others a soaring eagle, 
— emblematical, no doubt, of the valiant and high-flying 
qualities of the inhabitants; so, after mature delibera- 
tion, a sleek beaver was emblazoned on the city standard, 
as indicative of the amphibious origin, and patient, per- 
severing habits of the New Amsterdammers. 

The thriving state of the settlement and the rapid in- 
crease of houses soon made it necessary to arrange some 
plan upon which the city should be built ; but at the 
very first consultation held on the subject, a violent dis- 
cussion arose ; and I mention it with much sorrowing as 
being the first altercation on record in the councils of 
New Amsterdam. It was, in fact, a breaking forth of the 
grudge and heart-burning that had existed between those 
two eminent burghers. Mynheers Tenbroeck and Harden- 
broeck, ever since their unhappy dispute on the coast 
of Bellevue. The great Hardenbroeck had waxed very 
wealthy and powerful, from his domains, which embraced 
the whole chain of Apulean mountains that stretched 
along the gulf of Kip's Bay, and from part of which his 
descendants have been expelled in latter ages by the 
powerful clans of the Joneses and the Schermerhornes. 

An ingenious plan for the city was offered by Mynheer 
Hardenbroeck, who proposed that it should be cut up 
and intersected by canals, after the manner of the most 
admired cities in Holland, 19 this Mynheer Tenbroeck 



144 BISTORT OF NEW YORE. 

was diametrically opposed, suggesting, in place thereof, 
that they should run out docks and wharves, by means of 
piles driven into the bottom of the river, on which the 
town should be built. "By these means," said he tri- 
umphantly, " shall we rescue a considerable space of ter- 
ritory from these immense rivers, and build a city that 
shall rival Amsterdam, Venice, or any amphibious city in 
Europe." To this proposition, Hardenbroeck (or Tough 
Breeches) replied, with a look of as_,much scorn as he 
could possibly assume. He cast the utmost censure upon 
the plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous and 
against the very order of things, as he would leave to 
every true Hollander, " For what," said he, " is a town 
without canals ? — it is like a body without veins and ar- 
teries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of 
the vital fluid." Ten Breeches, on the contrary, retorted 
with a sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat 
of an arid, dry-boned habit : he remarked, that as to the 
circulation of the blood being necessary to existence, 
Mynheer Tough Breeches was a living contradiction to 
his own assertion : for everybody knew there had not a 
drop of blood circulated through his wind-dried carcase 
for good ten years, and yet there was not a greater busy- 
body in the whole colony. Personalities have seldom 
much effect in making converts in argument ; nor have I 
ever seen a man convinced of error by being convicted of 
deformity. At least, such was not the case at present. 
If Ten Breeches was very happy in sarcasm, Tough 



TEE GREAT DISCUSSION. 145 

Breeches, who was a sturdy little man, and never gave 
up the last word, rejoiued with increasing spirit; Ten 
Breeches had the advantage of the greatest volubility, 
but Tough Breeches had that invaluable coat of mail in 
argument, called obstinacy Ten Breeches had, therefore, 
the most mettle, but Tough Breeches the best bottom ; so 
that, though Ten Breeches made a dreadful clattering 
about his ears, and battered and belabored him with 
hard words and sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches 
hung on most resolutely to the last. They parted, there- 
fore, as is usual in all arguments where both parties 
are in the right, without coming to any conclusion; — but 
they hated each other most heartily forever after, and a 
similar breach with that between the houses of Capu- 
let and Montague did ensue between the families of Ten 
Breeches and Tough Breeches. 

I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters 
of fact, but that my duty as a faithful historian requires 
that I should be particular ; and in truth, as I am now 
treating of the critical period when our city, like a young 
twig, first received the twists and turns which have since 
contributed to give it its present picturesque irregular- 
ity, I cannot be too minute in detailing their first causes. 

After the unhappy altercation I have just mentioned, I 
do not find that anything farther was said on the subject 
worthy of being recorded. The council, consisting of the 
largest and oldest heads in the community, met regularly 
once a week, to ponder on this momentous subject ; but, 
10 



146 BISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

either they were deterred by the war of words they had 
witnessed, or they were naturally averse to the exercise 
of the tongue, and the consequent exercise of the brains, 
— certain it is, the most profound silence was maintained, 
— the question as usual lay on the table, — the members 
quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, without 
ever enforcing any, — and in the mean time the affairs of 
the settlement went on — as it pleased God. 

As most of the council were but little skilled in the 
mystery of combining pot-hooks and hangers, they deter- 
mined most judiciously not to puzzle either themselves 
or posterity with voluminous records. The secretary, 
however, kept the minutes of the council, with tolerable 
precision, in a large vellum folio, fastened with massy 
brass clasps ; the journal of each meeting consisted but 
of two lines, stating in Dutch, that " the council sat this 
day, and smoked twelve pipes, on the affairs of the 
colony." By which it appears that the first settlers did 
not regulate their time by hours, but pipes, in the same 
manner as they measure distances in Holland at this very 
time : an admirably exact measurement, as a pipe in the 
mouth of a true-born Dutchman is never liable to those 
accidents and irregularities that are continually putting 
our clocks out of order. 

In this manner did the profound council of New Am- 
sterdam smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week to week, 
month to month, and year to year, in what manner they 
should construct their infant settlement ; — meanwhile, the 



TEE DOINGS OF THE COUNCIL. 147 

town took care of itself, and like a sturdy brat which is 
suffered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts and 
bandages, and other abominations by which your notable 
nurses and sage old women cripple and disfigure the 
children of men, increased so rapidly in strength and 
magnitude, that before the honest burgomasters had de- 
termined upon a plan, it was too late to put it in exe- 
cution, — whereupon they wisely abandoned the subject 
altogether. 



CHAPTEE IX. 

HOW THE CITY OF NEW AMSTERDAM WAXED GREAT TINDER THE PROTECTION 
OF ST. NICHOLAS AND THE ABSENCE OF LAWS AND STATUTES — HOW OLOFFE 
THE DREAMER BEGAN TO DREAM OF AN EXTENSION OF EMPIRE, AND OP 
THE EFFECT OF HIS DREAMS. 

HERE is something exceedingly delusive in 
thus looking back through the long vista of 
departed years, and catching a glimpse of the 
fairy realms of antiquity. Like a landscape melting into 
distance, they receive a thousand charms from their very 
obscurity, and the fancy delights to fill up their outlines 
with graces and excellences of its own creation. Thus 
loom on my imagination those happier days of our city, 
when as yet New Amsterdam was a mere pastoral town, 
shrouded in groves of sycamores and willows, and sur- 
rounded by trackless forests and wide-spreading waters, 
that seemed to shut out all the cares and vanities of a 
wicked world. 

In those days did this embryo city present the rare 
and noble spectacle of a community governed without 
laws ; and thus being left to its own course, and the fos- 
tering care of Providence, increased as rapidly as though 
it had been burdened with a dozen panniers full of those 

148 



TEE EVIL OF MANY LAWS. 149 

sage laws usually heaped on the backs of young cities — 
in order to make them grow. And in this particular I 
greatly admire the wisdom and sound knowledge of hu- 
man nature, displayed by the sage Oloffe the Dreamer 
and liis fellow-legislators. For my part, I have not so 
bad an opinion of mankind as many of my brother phi- 
losophers. I do not think poor human nature so sorry a 
piece of workmanship as they would make it out to be ; 
and as far as I have observed, I am fully satisfied that 
man, if left to himself, would about as readily go right as 
wrong. It is only this eternally sounding in his ears that 
it is liis duty to go right, which makes him go the very 
reverse. The noble independence of his nature revolts 
at this intolerable tyranny of law, and the perpetual in- 
terference of officious morality, which are over besetting 
his path with finger-posts and directions to " keep to the 
right, as the law directs " ; and like a spirited urchin, he 
turns directly contrary, and gallops through mud and 
mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to show that he is 
a lad of spirit, and out of his leading-strings. And these 
opinions are amply substantiated by what I have above 
said of our worthy ancestors ; who never being be- 
preached and be-lectured, and guided and governed by 
statutes and laws and by-laws, as are their more en- 
lightened descendants, did one and all demean themselves 
honestly and peaceably, out of pure ignorance, or, in 
other words, because they knew no better. 
Nor must I omit to record one of the earliest measures 



150 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

of this infant settlement, inasmuch as it shows the piety 
of our forefathers, and that, like good Christians, they 
were always ready to serve God, after they had first 
served themselves. Thus, having quietly settled them- 
selves down, and provided for their own comfort, they 
bethought themselves of testifying their gratitude to the 
great and good St. Nicholas, for his protecting care, in 
guiding them to this delectable abode. To this end they 
built a fair and goodly chapel within the fort, which they 
consecrated to his name ; whereupon he immediately 
took the town of New Amsterdam under his peculiar pat- 
ronage, and he has ever since been, and I devoutly hope 
will ever be, the tutelar saint of this excellent city. 

At this early period was instituted that pious cere- 
mony, still religiously observed in all our ancient fami- 
lies of the right breed, of hanging up a stocking in the 
chimney on St. Nicholas eve ; which stocking is always 
found in the morning miraculously filled; for the good 
St. Nicholas has ever been a great giver of gifts, particu- 
larly to children. 

I am moreover told that there is a little legendary 
book, somewhere extant, written in Low Dutch, which 
says, that the image of this renowned saint, which 
whilom graced the bowsprit of the Goede Vrouw, was 
elevated in front of this chapel, in the centre of what in 
modern days is called the Bowling Green, — on the very 
spot, in fact, where he appeared in vision to Oloflfe the 
Dreamer. And the legend further treats of divers mira- 



DEALINGS WITH TEE INDIANS. 151 

cles wrought by the mighty pipe which the saint held in 
his mouth, a whiff of which was a sovereign cure for in- 
digestion, — an invahiable relic in this colony of brave 
trencher-men. As, however, in spite of the most diligent 
search, I cannot lay my hands upon this little book, I 
must confess that I entertain considerable doubt on the 
subject. 

Thus benignly fostered by the good St. Nicholas, the 
infant city thrived apace. Hordes of painted savages, it 
is true, still lurked about the unsettled parts of the 
island. The hunter still pitched his bower of skins and 
bark beside the rills that ran through the cool and shady 
glens, while here and there might be seen, on some sun- 
ny knoll, a group of Indian wigwams, whose smoke arose 
above the neigh coring trees, and floated in the trans- 
parent atmosphere. A mutual good-will, however, existed 
between tliese wandering beings and the burghers of 
New Amsterdam. Our benevolent forefathers endeavored 
as much as possible to ameliorate their situation, by giv- 
ing them gin, rum, and glass beads, in exchange for their 
peltries; for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen had 
conceived a great friendship for their savage neighbors, 
on account of their being pleasant men to trade with, and 
little skilled in the art of making a bargain. 

Now and then a crew of these half-human sons of the 
forest would make their appearance in the streets of New 
Amsterdam, fantastically painted and decorated with 
beads and flaunting feathers, sauntering about with an 



152 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

air of listless indifference, — sometimes in the market- 
place, instructing the little Dutch boys in the use of the 
bow and arrow, — at other times, inflamed with liquor, 
swaggering and whooping and yelling about the town 
like so many fiends, to the great dismay of all the good 
wives, who would hurry their children into the house, 
fasten the doors, and throw w^ter upon the enemy from 
the garret windows. It is worthy of mention here, that 
our forefathers were very particular in holding up these 
wild men as excellent domestic examples — and for rea- 
sons that may be gathered from the history of master 
Ogilby, who tells us, that "for the least offence the 
bridegroom soundly beats his wife and turns her out of 
doors, and marries another, insomuch that some of them 
have every year a new wife." Whether this awful ex- 
ample had any influence or not, history does not men- 
tion ; but it is certain that our grandmothers were mira- 
cles of fidelity and obedience. 

True it is, that the good understanding between our 
ancestors and their savage neighbors was liable to occa- 
sional interruptions, and I have heard my gi-andmother, 
who was a very wise old woman, and well versed in the 
history of these parts, tell a long story of a winter's even- 
ing, about a battle between the New Amsterdammers 
and the Indians, which was known by the name of the 
Peach War, and which took place near a peach orchard, 
in a dark glen, which for a long while went by the name 
of Murderer's Valley. 



PEACH WAR. 153 

The legend of this sylvan war was long current among 
tlie nurses, old wives, and other ancient chroniclers of the 
place ; but time and improvement have almost obliter- 
ated both the tradition and the scene of battle ; for what 
was once the blood-stained valley is now in the centre of 
this populous city, and known by the name of Dey Street. 

I know not whether it was to this " Peach war," and 
the acquisitions of Indian land which may have grown out 
of it, that we may ascribe the first seeds of the spirit of 
"annexation" which now began to manifest themselves. 
Hitherto the ambition of the worthy burghers had been 
confined to the lovely island of Manna-hata ; and Spiten 
Devil on the Hudson, and Hell-gate on the Sound, were 
to them the pillars of Hercules, the ne plus ultra of human 
enterprise. Shortly after the Peach war, however, a rest- 
less spirit was observed among the New Amsterdammers, 
who began to cast wistful looks upon the wild lands of 
their Indian neighbors ; for, somehow or other, wild 
Indian land always looks greener in the eyes of settlers 
than the land they occupy. It is hinted that Oloflfe the 
Dreamer encouraged these notions ; having, as has been 
shown, the inherent spirit of a land speculator, which had 
been wonderfully quickened and expanded since he had 
become a landholder. Many of the common people, who 
had never before owned a foot of land, now began to be 
discontented with the town lots which had fallen to their 
shares ; others, who had snug farms and tobacco-planta- 
tions, found they had not sufficient elbow-room, and be- 



154 EI8T0BT OF NEW TORE. 

gan to question tlie riglits of the Indians to the vast re- 
gions they pretended to hold — while the good Oloffe in- 
dulged in magnificent dreams of foreign conquest and 
great patroonships in the wilderness. 

The result of these dreams were certain exploring ex- 
peditions, sent forth in various directions, to "sow the 
seeds of empire," as it was said. The earliest of these 
were conducted by Hans Reinier Oothout, an old naviga- 
tor, famous for the sharpness of his vision, who could see 
land when it was quite out of sight to ordinary mortals, 
and who had a spy-glass covered with a bit of tarpauling, 
with which he could spy up the crookedest river quite to 
its head-v/aters. He was accompanied by Mynheer Ten 
Breeches, as land-measurer, in case of any dispute with 
the Indians. 

What was the consequence of these exploring expedi- 
tions ? In a little while we find a frontier post or trading- 
house called Fort Nassau, established far to the south on 
Delaware Eiver; another, called Fort Goed Hoep (or 
Good Hope), on the Varsche, or Fresh, or Connecticut 
Eiver, and another, called Fort Aurania (now Albany), 
away up the Hudson Eiver ; while the boundaries of the 
province kept extending on every side, nobody knew 
whither, far into the regions of Terra Incognita. 

Of the boundary feuds and troubles which the ambi- 
tious little province brought upon itself by these indefinite 
expansions of its territory, we shall treat at large in the 
after-pages of this eventful history ; sufficient for the pres- 



HOLLAND'S MATERNAL POLICY. 155 

cnt is it to say that the swelling importance of the New 
Netherlands awakened the attention of the mother-coun- 
try, who, finding it likely to yield much revenue and no 
trouble, began to take that interest in its welfare which 
knowing people evince for rich relations. 

But as this opens a new era in the fortunes of New 
Amsterdam, I will here put an end to this second book of 
my history, and will treat of the maternal policy of the 
mother-country in my next. 




BOOK III. 



IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEX REIGN OP WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 



CHAPTER I. 



OP THE RENOWNED •WOTJTER VAN TWILLEK, HTS TJNPAR.VLLELED VIRTITES — AS 
LIKEWISE HIS UNUTTERABLE WISDOM IN TDK LAW-CASE OF WANDLE SCHOON- 
HOVEN AND BARENT BLEECKER — AND THE GREAT ADMIRATION OF THE PUB- 
LIC THEREAT. 




RIEVOUS and very much to be commiserated 
is the task of the feeling historian, who writes 
the history of his native land. If it fall to his 
lot to be the recorder of calamity or crime, the mournful 
page is watered with his tears ; nor can he recall the 
most prosperous and blissful era,, without a melancholy 
sigh at the reflection that it has passed away forever ! I 
know not whether it be owing to an immoderate love for 

156 



REFLECTIONS. 157 

the simplicity of former times, or to tliat certain tender- 
ness of lieart incident to all sentimental historians ; but 
I candidly confess that I cannot look back on the happier 
days of our city, which I now describe, without great de- 
jection of spirit. With faltering hand do I withdraw the 
curtain of oblivion, that veils the modest merit of our 
venerable ancestors, and as their figures rise to my men- 
tal vision, humble myself before their mighty shades. 

Such are my feelings when I revisit the family man- 
sion of the Knickerbockers, and spend a lonely hour in 
the chamber where hang the portraits of my forefathers, 
shrouded in dust, like the forms they represent. With 
pious reverence do I gaze on the countenances of those 
renowned burghers, who have preceded me in the steady 
march of existence,— whose sober and temperate blood 
now meanders through my veins, flowing slower and 
slower in its feeble conduits, until its current shall soon 
be stopped forever ! 

These, I say to myself, are but frail memorials of the 
mighty men who flourished in the days of the patri- 
archs ; but who, alas, have long since mouldered in that 
tomb towards which my steps are insensibly and irresist- 
ibly hastening ! As I pace the darkened chamber and 
lose myself in melancholy musings, the shadowy images 
around me almost seem to steal once more into exist- 
ence, — their countenances to assume the animation of life, 
— their eyes to pursue me in every movement ! Carried 
away by the delusions of fancy, I almost imagine myself 



158 EI8T0RT OF NEW YORK. 

surrounded by the sLades of the departed, and holding 
sweet converse with the worthies of antiquity ! Ah, hap- 
less Diedrich ! born in a degenerate age, abandoned to 
the buffetings of fortune, — a stranger and a weary pil- 
grim in thy native land, — blest with no weeping wife, nor 
family of helpless children, but doomed to wander neg- 
lected through those crowded streets, and elbowed by 
foreign upstarts from those fair abodes where once thine 
ancestors held sovereign empire ! 

Let me not, however, lose the historian in the man, 
nor suffer the doting recollections of age to overcome me, 
while dwelling with fond garrulity on the virtuous days 
of the patriarchs, — on those sweet days of simplicity and 
ease, which never more will dawn on the lovely island of 
Manna-hata. 

These melancholy reflections have been forced from me 
by the growing wealth and importance of New Amster- 
dam, which, I plainly perceive, are to involve it in all 
kinds of perils and disasters. Already, as I observed at 
the close of my last book, they had awakened the atten- 
tions of the mother-country. The usual mark of protec- 
tion shown by mother-countries to wealthy colonies was 
forthwith manifested ; a governor being sent out to rule 
over the province, and squeeze out of it as much revenue 
as possible. The arrival of a governor of course put an 
end to the protectorate of Oloffe the Dreamer. He ap- 
pears, however, to have dreamt to some purpose during 
his sway, as we find him afterwards living as a patroon 



GOVERNOR VAN TWILLER. 159 

on a great landed estate on the banks of tlie Hudson ; 
having virtually forfeited all right to his ancient appella- 
tion of Kortlandt or Lackland. 

It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer 
Wouter Yan Twiller was appointed governor of the prov- 
ince of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the commission and 
control of their High Mightinesses the Lords States 
General of the United Netherlands, and the privileged 
"West India Company. 

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Amster- 
dam in the merry month of June, the sweetest month in 
all the year; when dan Apollo seems to dance up the 
transparent firmament, — when the robin, the thrush, and 
a thousand other wanton songsters, make the woods to 
resound with amorous ditties, and the luxurious little 
boblincon revels among the clover-blossoms of the mead- 
ows, — all which happy coincidence persuaded the old 
dames of New Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art 
of foretelling events, that this was to be a happy and 
prosperous administration. 

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was 
descended from a long line of Dutch burgomasters, who 
had successively dozed away their lives, and grown fat 
upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam; and who 
had comported themselves with such singular wisdom 
and propriety, that they were never either heard or 
talked of — which, next to being universally applauded, 
should be the object of ambition of all magistrates and 



160 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

rulers. There are two opposite ways by whicli some 
men make a figure in the world: one, by talking faster 
than they think, and the other, by holding their tongues 
and not thinking at all. By the first, many a smatterer 
acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts ; by the 
other, many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest 
of birds, comes to be considered the very type of wisdom. 
This, by the way, is a casual remark, which I would not, 
for the universe, have it thought I apply to Governor 
Van Twiller. It is true he was a man shut up within 
himself, like an oyster, and rarely spoke, except in mono- 
syllables ; but then it was allowed he seldom said a fool- 
ish thing. So invincible was his gravity that he was 
never known to laugh or even to smile through the whole 
course of a long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were 
uttered in his presence, that set light-minded hearers in 
a roar, it was observed to throw him into a state of 
perplexity. Sometimes he would deign to inquire into 
the matter, and when, after much explanation, the joke 
was made as plain as a pike-staff, he would continue to 
smoke his pipe in silence, and at length, knocking out 
the ashes, would exclaim, " Well ! I see nothing in all 
that to laugh about." 

With all his reflective habits, he never made up his 
mind on a subject. His adherents accounted for this by 
the astonishing magnitude of his ideas. He conceived 
every subject on so grand a scale that he had not room in 
Ills head to turn it over and examine both sides of it. 



GOVERNOR VAN TWILLER. 161 

Certain it is, that, if any matter were propounded to him 
on which ordinary mortals would rashly determine at first 
glance, he would put on a vague, mysterious look, shake 
his capacious head, smoke some time in profound si- 
lence, and at length observe, that "he had his doubts 
about the matter " ; which gained him the reputation of a. 
man slow of belief and not easily imposed upon. What 
is more, it gained him a lasting name ; for to this habit of 
the mind has been attributed his surname of Twiller; 
vhich is said to be a corruption of the original Twijfler, 
or, in plain English, Doubter. 

The perscto of this illustrious old gentleman was formed 
and proportioned, as though it had been moulded by the 
hands of some cunning Dutch statuary, as a model of ma- 
jesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five feet six 
inches in height, and six feet five inches in circumference. 
His head was a perfect sphere, and of such stupendous 
dimensions, that Dame Nature, with all her sex's ingenu- 
ity, would have been puzzled to construct a neck capable 
of supporting it ; wherefore she wisely declined the at- 
tempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his backbone, 
just between the shoulders. His body was oblong and 
particularly capacious at bottom ; which was wisely or- 
dered by Providence, seeing that he was a man of seden- 
tary habits, and very averse to the idle labor of walking. 
His legs Avere short, but sturdy in proportion to the 
weight they had to sustain ; so that when erect he had 
not a little the ajjpearance of a beer-barrel on skids. His 
11 



162 EI8T0BT OF NEW YORK. 

face, that infallible index of the mind, presented a vast 
expanse, unfurrowed by any of those lines and angles 
which disfigure the human countenance with what is 
termed expression. Two small grey eyes twinkled feebly 
in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude in a hazy 
firmament, and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to hav& 
taken toll of everything that went into his mouth, were 
curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like a 
spitzenberg apple. 

His habits were as regular as his person. He daily 
took his four stated meals, appropriating exactly an hour 
to each ; he smoked and doubted eight hours, and he 
slept the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty. Such 
was the renowned Wouter ^an Twiller, — a true philoso- 
pher, for his mind was either elevated above, or tranquil- 
ly settled below, the cares and perplexities of this world. 
He had lived in it for years, without feeling the least 
curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it, or 
it round the sun ; and he had watched, for at least half a 
century, the smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, 
without once troubling his head with any of those nu- 
merous theories by which a philosopher would have per- 
plexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above the 
surrounding atmosphere. 

In his council he presided with great state and solem- 
nity. He sat in a huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the 
celebrated forest of the Hague, fabricated by an experi- 
enced timmerman of Amsterdam, and curiously carved 



GOVERNOR VAN TWILLER. 163 

about the arms and feet, into exact imitations of gigantic 
eagle's claws. Instead of a sceptre, he swayed a long 
Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and amber, which had 
been presented to a stadtholder of Holland at the conclu- 
sion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary powers. 
In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent 
pipe would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a con- 
stant motion, and fixing his eye for hours together upon 
a little print of Amsterdam, which hung in a black frame 
against the opposite wall of the council-chamber. Nay, 
it has even been said, that when any deliberation of ex- 
traordinary length and intricacy was on the carpet, the 
renowned Wouter would shut his eyes for full two hours 
at a time, that he might not be disturbed by external ob- 
jects ; and at such times the internal commotion of his 
mind was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, 
which his admirers declared were merely the noise of 
conflict, made by his contending doubts and opinions. 

It is with infinite difiiculty I have been enabled to col- 
lect these biographical anecdotes of the great man under 
consideration. The facts respecting him were so scat- 
tered and vague, and divers of them so questionable in 
point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the 
search after many, and decline the admission of still 
more, which would have tended to heighten the coloring 
of his portrait. 

I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the 
person and habits of Wouter Van Twiller, from the con- 



164 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

sideration that he was not only the first, but also the 
best governor that ever presided over this ancient and 
respectable province; and so tranquil and benevolent 
was his reign, that I do not find throughout the whole 
of it a single instance of any offender being brought to 
punishment, — a most indubitable sign of a merciful gov- 
ernor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of 
the illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the re- 
nowned Yan Twiller was a lineal descendant. 

The very outset of the career of this excellent magis- 
trate was distinguished by an example of legal acumen, 
that gave flattering presage of a wise and equitable ad- 
ministration. The morning after he had been installed in 
ofl&ce, and at the moment that he was making his break- 
fast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and 
Indian pudding, he was interrupted by the appearance of 
Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of 
New Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one Barent 
Bleecker, inasmuch as he refused to come to a settlement 
of accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in 
favor of the said Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I 
have already observed, was a man of few words ; he was 
likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings — or be- 
ing disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened atten- 
tively to the statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving 
an occasional grunt, as he shovelled a spoonful of Indian 
pudding into his mouth, — either as a sign that he relish- 
ed the dish, or comprehended the story, — he called unto 



OOVEBNOB VAN TWILLER. 165 

him Ms constable, and pulling out of Ms breeches-pocket 
a huge jack-knife, dispatched it after the defendant as a 
summons, accompanied by his tobacco-box as a warrant. 

This summary process was as effectual in those simple 
days as was the seal-ring of the great Haroun Alraschid 
among the true believers. The two parties being con- 
fronted before him, each produced a book of accounts, 
w^ritten in a language and character that would have puz- 
zled any but a High-Dutch commentator, or a learned 
decipherer of Egyptian obelisks. The sage Wouter took 
them one after the other, and having poised them in his 
hands, and attentively counted over the number of leaves, 
fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for 
half an hour without saying a word ; at length, laying his 
finger beside his nose, and shutting his eyes for a mo- 
ment, with the air of a man who has just caught a subtle 
idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his mouth, 
puffed forth a column of tobacco-smoke, and with marvel- 
lous gravity and solemnity pronounced, that, having care- 
fully counted over the leaves and weighed the books, it 
was found, that one was just as thick and as heavy as the 
other : therefore, it was the final opinion of the court 
that the accounts were equally balanced : therefore. Wan- 
die should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give 
Wandle a receipt, and the constable should pay the 
costs. 

This decision, being straightway made known, diffused 
general joy throughout New Amsterdam, for the people 



166 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

immediately perceived that they had a very wise and 
equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest 
effect was, that not another lawsuit took place through- 
out the whole of his administration; and the office of 
constable fell into such decay, that there was not one of 
those losel scouts known in the province for many years. 
I am the more particular in dwelling on this transaction, 
not only because I deem it one of the most sage and 
righteous judgments on record, and well worthy the at- 
tention of modern magistrates, but because it was a mi- 
raculous event in the history of the renowned Wouter — 
being the only time he was ever known to come to a de- 
cision in the whole course of his life» 



CHAPTEE IL 



CONTAININO SOME ACCOUNT OF THE GRAND COUNCIL OF NEW AMSTERDAM, AS 
ALSO DIVEKS ESPECIAL GOOD PHILOSOPHICAL KEASONS WHY AN ALDERMAN 
SHOULD BE FAT — WITH OTHER PARTICULARS TOUCHING THE STATE OF THE 
PROVINCE. 



-^W^ N treating of the early governors of the prov- 
1 B^ iiice, I must caution my readers against con- 
t:l/At>-V,| founding them, in point of dignity and power, 
with those worthy gentlemen who are whimsically de- 
nominated governors in this enlightened republic, — a set 
of unhappy victims of popularity, who are, in fact, the 
most dependent, hen-pecked beings in the community; 
doomed to bear the secret goadings and corrections of 
their own party, and the sneers and revilings of the 
whole world beside ; set up, like geese at Christmas holi- 
days, to 1)6 pelted and shot at by every whipster and 
vagabond in the land. On the contrary, the Dutch gov- 
ernors enjoyed that uncontrolled authority vested in all 
commanders of distant colonies or territories. They 
were, in a manner, absolute despots in their little do- 
mains, lording it, if so disposed, over both law and gos- 
pel, and accountable to none but the mother-country; 
which it is well known is astonishingly deaf to all com- 

167 



168 niSTOBT OF NEW YORE. 

plaints against its governors, provided they discharge the 
main duty of their station — squeezing out a good reve- 
nue. This hint will be of importance, to prevent my 
readers from being seized with doubt and incredulity, 
whenever, in the course of this authentic history, they 
encounter the uncommon circumstance of a governor act- 
ing with independence, and in opposition to the opinions 
of the multitude. 

To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous business 

of legislation, a board of magistrates was appointed, which 

presided immediately over the police. This potent body 

consisted of a schout or bailiff, with powers between 

those of the present mayor and sheriff ; five burgermees- 

ters, who were equivalent to aldermen ; and five schepens, 

who ofiiciated as scrubs, subdevils, or bottle-holders to 

the burgermeesters, in the same manner as do assistant 

aldermen to their principals at the present day, — it being 

their duty to fill the pipes of the lordly burgermeesters, 

hunt the markets for delicacies for corporation dinners, 

and to discharge such other little offices of kindness as 

were occasionally required. It was, moreov*er, tacitly 

understood, though not specifically enjoined, that they 

should consider themselves as butts for the blunt wits of 

the burgermeesters, and should laugh most heartily at 

all their jokes ; but this last was a duty as rarely called 

in action in those days as it is at present, and was shortly 

remitted, in consequence of the tragical death of a fat 

little schepen, who actually died of suffocation in an un- 



THE BOARD OF MAGISTRATES. Igg 

successful effort to force a laugh at one of burgermeester 
Van Zandt's best jokes. 

In return for these humble services, they were per- 
mitted to say yes and no at the council-board, and to have 
that enviable privilege, the run of the public kitchen, — 
being graciously permitted to eat, and drink, and smoke, 
at all those snug junketings and public gormandizings 
for which the ancient magistrates were equally famous 
with their modern successors. The post of schepen, 
therefore, like that of assistant alderman, was eagerly 
coveted by all your burghers of a certain description, 
who have a huge relish for good feeding, and an humble 
ambition to be great men in a small way, — who thirst 
after a little brief authority, that shall render them the 
terror of the alms-house and the bridewell, — that shall 
enable them to lord it over obsequious poverty, vagrant 
vice, outcast prostitution, and hunger-driven dishonesty, 
— that shall give to their beck a houndlike pack of catch- 
polls and bumbsiliffs — tenfold greater rogues than the 
culprits they hunt down ! My readers will excuse this 
sudden warmtli, which I confes.^ is unbecoming of a grave 
historian, — but I have a mortal antipathy to catchpolls, 
bumbailiffs, and little-great men. 

The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded with 
those of the present time no less in form, magnitude, and 
intellect, than in prerogative and privilege. The burgo- 
masters, like our aldermen, were generally chosen by 
weight, — and not only the weight of the body, but like- 



170 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

wise tlie weight of the head. It is a maxim practically 
observed in all honest, j)lain-thinking, regular cities, that 
an alderman should be fat, — and the wisdom of this can 
be proved to a certainty. That the body is in some 
measure an image of the mind, or rather that the mind 
is moulded to the body, like melted lead to the clay in 
which it is cast, has been insisted on by many philos- 
ophers, who have made human nature their peculiar 
study ; for, as a learned gentleman of our own city ob- 
serves, "there is a constant relation between the moral 
character of all intelligent creatures and their physical 
constitution, between their habits and the structure of 
their bodies." Thus we see that a lean, spare, diminu- 
tive body is generally accompanied by a petulant, rest- 
less, meddling mind: either the mind wears down the 
body, by its continual motion, or else the body, not afford- 
ing the mind sufllcient house-room, keeps it continually 
in a state of fretfulness, tossing and worrying about from 
the uneasiness of its situation. "Whereas your round, 
sleek, fat, unwieldy periphery is ever attended by a mind 
like itself, tranquil, torpid, and at ease; and we may 
always observe, that your well-fed, robustious burghers 
are in general very tenacious of their ease and comfort, 
being great enemies to noise, discord, and disturbance, — 
and surely none are more likely to study the public 
tranquillity than those who are so careful of their own. 
Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding 
together in turbulent mobs? — no — no; it is your lean, 



HOW TO MAKE A LENIENT JUDGE. 171 

hungry men who are continually worrying society, and 
setting the whole community by the ears. 

The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not sufficiently 
attended to by philosophers of the present age, allows to 
every man three souls : one, immortal and rational, seated 
in the brain, that it may overlook and regulate the body ; 
a second, consisting of the surly and irascible passions 
which, like belligerent powers, lie encamped around the 
heart ; a third, mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, 
gross and brutal in its propensities, and enchained in the 
belly, that it may not disturb the divine soul by its raven- 
ous bowlings. Now, according to this excellent theory, 
what can be more clear than that your fat alderman is 
most likely to have the most regular and well-conditioned 
mind. His head is like a huge spherical chamber, con- 
tainic • a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon the ra- 
tional soul lies softly and snugly couched, as on a feath- 
er-bed ; and the eyes, which are the windows of the bed- 
chamber, are usually half closed, that its slumberings 
may not be disturbed by external objects. A mind thus 
comfortably lodged, and protected from disturbance, is 
manifestly most likely to perform its functions with regu- 
larity and ease. By dint of good feeding, moreover, the 
mortal and malignant soul, which is confined in the belly, 
and which, by its raging and roaring, puts the irritable 
soul in the neighborhood of the heart in an intolerable 
passion, and thus renders men crusty and quarrelsome 
when hungry, is completely pacified, silenced, and put to 



172 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

rest, — whereupon a host of honest, good-fellow qualities 
and kind-hearted affections, which had lain perdue, slyly 
peeping out of the loop-holes of the heart, finding this 
cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn out one 
and all in their holiday suits, and gambol up and down 
the diaphragm, — disposing their possessor to laughter, 
good-humor, and a thousand friendly ofiices towards his 
fellow-mortals. 

As a board of magistrates, formed on this principle, 
think but very little, they are the less likely to differ and 
wrangle about favorite opinions; and as they generally 
transact business upon a hearty dinner, they are natu- 
rally disposed to be lenient and indulgent in the adminis- 
tration of their diities. Charlemagne was conscious of 
this, and therefore ordered in his cartularies, that no judge 
should hold a court of justice, except in the morning, on 
an empty stomach. — A pitiful rule, which I can never for- 
give, and which I warrant bore hard upon all the poor 
culprits in the kingdom. The more enlightened and hu- 
mane generation of the present day have taken an oppo- 
site course, and have so managed that the aldermen are 
the best-fed men in the community ; feasting lustily on 
the fat things of the land, and gorging so heartily on 
oysters and turtles, that in process of time they acquire 
the activity of the one, and the form, the waddle, and the 
green fat of the other. The consequence is, as I have 
just said, these luxurious feastings do produce such a 
dulcet equanimity and repose of the soul, rational and ir- 



WOUTER AND HIS SCHEPEN8. I73 

rational, that their transactions are proverbial for un- 
varying monotony ; and the profound laws which they 
enact in their dozing moments, amid the labors of diges- 
tion, are quietly suffered to remain as dead letters, and 
never enforced, when awake. In a word, your fair, round- 
bellied burgomaster, like a full-fed mastiff, dozes quietly 
at the house-door, always at home, and always at hand to 
watch over its safety ; but as to electing a lean, meddling 
candidate to the office, as has now and then been done, I 
would as lief put a greyhound to watch the house, or a 
race-horse to draw an ox-wagon. 

The burgomasters, then, as I have already mentioned, 
were wisely chosen by weight, and the schepens, or assist- 
ant aldermen, were appointed to attend upon them and 
help them eat ; but the latter, in the course of time, when 
they had been fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of 
body and drowsiness of brain, became very eligible candi- 
dates for the burgomasters' chairs, having fairly eaten 
themselves into office, as a mouse eats his way into a 
comfortable lodgment in a goodly, blue-nosed, skimmed- 
milk, New-England cheese. 

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that 
took place between the renowned Wouter and these his 
worthy compeers, unless it be the sage divans of some 
of our modern corporations. They would sit for hours, 
smoking a,nd dozing over public affairs, without speaking 
a word to interrupt tliat perfect stillness so necessary to 
deep reflection. Under the sober sway of Wouter Van 



174 EI8T0RT OF NEW TORE. 

Twiller and these his worthy coadjutors, the infant settle- 
ment waxed vigorous apace, gradually emerging from the 
swamps and forests, and exhibiting that mingled appear- 
ance of town and country, customary in new cities, and 
which at this day may be witnessed in the city of Wash- 
ington, — that immense metropolis, which makes so glori- 
ous an appearance on paper. 

It was a pleasing sight, in those times, to behold the 
honest burgher, like a patriarch of yore, seated on the 
bench at the door of his whitewashed house, under the 
shade of some gigantic sycamore or overhanging willow. 
Here would he smoke his pipe of a sultry afternoon, 
enjoying the soft southern breeze, and listening with 
silent gratulation to the clucking of his hens, the cack- 
ling of his geese, and the sonorous grunting of his swine, 
— that combination of farm-yard melody which may truly 
be said to have a silver sound, inasmuch as it conveys a 
certain assurance of profitable marketing. 

The modern spectator, who wanders through the 
streets of this populous city, can scarcely form an idea 
of the difierent appearance they presented in the primi- 
tive days of the Doubter. The busy hum of multitudes, 
the shouts of revelry, the rumbling equipages of fashion, 
the rattling of accursed carts, and all the spirit-grieving 
sounds of brawling commerce, were unknown in the set- 
tlement of New Amsterdam. The grass grew quietly in 
the highways; the bleating sheep and frolicsome calves 
sported about the verdant ridge, where now the Broad- 



THE BLESSINGS OF IGNORANCE. 175 

way loungers take their morning stroll ; the cunning fox 
or ravenous wolf skulked in the woods, where now are 
to be seen the dens of Gomez and his righteous frater- 
nity of money-brokers ; and flocks of vociferous geese 
cackled about the fields where now the great Tammany 
wdgwam and the patriotic tavern of Martling echo with 
the wranglings of the mob. 

In these good times did a true and enviable equality 
of rank and property prevail, equally removed from the 
arrogance of wealth, and the servility and heart-burnings 
of repining poverty ; and, what in my mind is still more 
conducive to tranquillity and harmony among friends, a 
happy equality of intellect was likewise to be seen. The 
minds of the good burghers of New Amsterdam seemed 
all to have been cast in one mould, and to be those 
honest, blunt minds, which, like certain manufactures, 
are made by the gross, and considered as exceedingly 
good for common use. 

Thus it happens that your true dull minds are gener- 
ally preferred for public employ, and especially promoted 
to city honors ; your keen intellects, like razors, being 
considered too sharp for common service. I know that 
it is common to rail at the unequal distribution of riches, 
as the great source of jealousies, broils, and heart-break- 
ings ; whereas, for my part, I verily believe it is the sad 
inequality of intellect that prevails, that embroils com- 
munities more than anything else ; and I have remarked 
that your knowing people, who are so much wiser than 



176 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

anybody else, are eternally keeping society in a ferment. 
Happily for New Amsterdam, nothing of the kind was 
known within its walls ; the very words of learning, 
education, taste, and talents were unheard of; a bright 
genius was an animal unknown, and a blue-stocking lady 
would have been regarded with as much wonder as a 
horned frog or a fiery dragon. No man, in fact, seemed 
to know more than his neighbor, nor any man to know 
more than an honest man ought to know, who has no- 
body's business to mind but his own ; the parson and 
the council clerk were the only men that could read in 
the community, and the sage Yan Twiller always signed 
his name with a cross. 

Thrice happy and ever to be envied little Burgh ! ex- 
isting in all the security of harmless insignificance, — un- 
noticed and unenvied by the world, without ambition, 
without vainglory, without riches, without learning, and 
all their train of carking cares ; — and as of yore, in the 
better days of man, the deities were wont to visit him on 
earth and bless his rural habitations, so, we are told, in 
the sylvan days of New Amsterdam, the good St. Nicholas 
would often make his appearance in his beloved city, of a 
holiday afternoon, riding joUily among the tree-tops, or 
over the roofs of the houses, now and Lheii drawing forth 
magnificent presents from his breeches pockets, and drop- 
ping them down the chimneys of his favorites. Whereas, 
in these degenerate days of iron and brass, he never 
shows us the light of his countenance, nor ever visits us. 



THE EVEN TENOR OF THEIR WAY. I77 

save one night in the year, when he rattles down the 
chimneys of the descendants of patriarchs, confining his 
presents merely to the children, in token of the degener- 
acy of the parents. 

Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of a fat 
government. The province of the New Netherlands, des- 
titute of wealth, possessed a sweet tranquillity that wealth 
could never purchase. There were neither public com- 
motions, nor private quarrels ; neither parties, nor sects, 
nor schisms ; neither persecutions, nor trials, nor punish- 
ments ; nor were there counsellors, attorneys, catchpolls, 
or hangmen. Every man attended to what little business 
he was lucky enough to have, or neglected it if he pleased, 
without asking the opinion of his neighbor. In those 
days nobody meddled with concerns above his comprehen- 
sion ; nor thrust his nose into other people's affairs ; nor 
neglected to correct his own conduct, and reform his own 
character, in his zeal to pull to pieces the characters of 
others ; — but, in a word, every respectable citizen ate 
when he was not hungry, drank when he was not thirsty, 
and went regularly to bed when the sun set and the fowls 
went to roost, whether he was sleepy or not ; all which 
tended so remarkably to the population of the settlement, 
that I am told every dutiful wife throughout New Am- 
sterdam made a point of enriching her husband with at 
least one child a year, and very often a brace, — this su- 
perabundance of good things clearly constituting the true 
luxury of life, according to the favorite Dutch maxim, 
12 



178 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

that, "more than enough constitutes a feast." Every- 
thing, therefore, went on exactly as it should do, and in 
the usual words employed by historians to express the 
welfare of a country, "the profoundest tranquillity and 
repose reigned throughout the province." 



CHAPTER IIL 

HOW THE TOWN or NEW AMSTERDAM AROSE OUT OF MUD, AND CAME TO BE 
MARVELLOUSLY POLISHED AND POLITE — TOGETHER WITH A PICTURE OF THE 
MANNERS OF OUR GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHERS. 

ANirOLD are tlie tastes and dispositions of 
the enlightened literati, who turn over the pages 
of history". Some there be whose hearts are 
brimful of the yeast of courage, and whose bosoms do 
work, and swell, and foam, with untried valor, like a 
barrel of new cider, or a train-band captain, fresh from 
under the hands of his tailor. This doughty class of 
readers can be satisfied with nothing but bloody bat- 
tles, and horrible encounters ; they must be continually 
storming forts, sacking cities, springing mines, marching 
up to the muzzles of cannon, charging bayonet through 
every page, and revelling in gunpowder and carnage. 
Others, who are of a less martial, but equally ardent 
imagination, and who, withal, are a little given to the 
marvellous, will dwell with wondrous satisfaction on de- 
scriptions of prodigies, unheard-of events, hair-breadth 
escapes, hardy adventures, and all those astonishing 
narrations which just amble along the boundary line of 
possibility. A third class, who, not to speak slightly of 

179 



180 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

them, are of a lighter turn, and skim over the records of 
past times, as they do over the edifying pages of a novel, 
merely for relaxation and innocent amusement, do sin- 
gularly delight in treasons, executions, Sabine rapes, 
Tarquin outrages, conilagrations, murders, and all the 
other catalogue of hideous crimes, which, like cayenne 
in cookery, do give a pungency and flavor to the dull 
detail of history. While a fourth class, of more philo- 
sophic habits, do diligently pore over the musty chron- 
icles of time, to investigate the operations of the human 
kind, and watch the gradual changes in men and man- 
ners, effected by the progress of knowledge, the vicissi- 
tudes of events, or the influence of situation. 

If the three first classes find but little wherewithal to 
solace themselves in the tranquil reign of Wouter Yan 
Twiller, I entreat them to exert their patience for a 
while, and bear with the tedious picture of happiness, 
prosperity, and peace, which my duty as a faithful his- 
torian obliges me to draw ; and I promise them, that, as 
soon as I can possibly alight on anything horrible, un- 
common, or impossible, it shall go hard, but I will make 
it afford them entertainment. This being premised, I 
turn with great complacency to the fourth class of my 
readers, who are men, or, if possible, women after my 
own heart ; grave, philosophical, and investigating ; fond 
of analyzing characters, of taking a start from first 
causes, and so hunting a nation down, through all the 
mazes of innovation and improvement. Such will natu- 



HOW THE STREETS WERE MADE. 181 

rally be anxious to witness tlie first development of the 
.fiewly-hatched colony, and the primitive manners and 
customs prevalent among its inhabitants, during the 
halcyon reign of Van Twiller, or the Doubter. 

I will not grieve their patience, however, by describing 
minutely the increase and improvement of New Amster- 
dam. Their own imaginations will doubtless present to 
them the good burghers, like so many painstaking and 
persevering beavers, slowly and surely pursuing their 
labors : they will behold the prosperous transformation 
from the rude log hut to the stately Dutch mansion, with 
brick front, glazed windows, and tiled roof ; from the tan- 
gled thicket to the luxuriant cabbage-garden ; and from 
the skulking Indian to the ponderous burgomaster. In a 
word, they will picture to themselves the steady, silent, 
and undeviating march of prosperity, incident to a city 
destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a fat govern- 
ment, and whose citizens do nothing in a hurry. 

The sage council, as has been mentioned in a preceding 
chaj)ter, not being able to determine upon any plan for 
the building of their city, — the cows, in a laudable fit of 
patriotism, took it under their peculiar charge, and, as 
they went to and from pasture, established paths through 
the bushes, on each side of which the good folks built 
their houses, — which is one cause of the rambling and 
picturesque turns and labyrinths which distinguish cer- 
tain s Greets of New York at this very day. 

The Louses of the higher class were generally con- 



182 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

structed of wood, excepting the gable end which was of 
small, black and yellow Dutch bricks, and always faced 
on the street, as our ancestors, like their descendants, 
were very much given to outward show, and were noted 
for putting the best leg foremost. The house was always 
furnished with abundance of large doors and small win- 
dows on every floor, the date of its erection was curiously 
designated by iron figures on the front, and on the top of 
the roof was perched a fierce little weathercock, to let the 
family into the important secret which way the wind blew. 

These, like the weathercocks on the tops of our stee- 
ples, pointed so many different ways, that every man could 
have a wind to his mind ; — the most stanch and loyal citi- 
zens, however, always went according to the weathercock 
on the top of the governor's house, which was certainly 
the most correct, as he had a trusty servant employed 
every morning to climb up and set it to the right quarter. 

In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, a pas- 
sion for cleanliness was the leading principle in domestic 
economy, and the universal test of an able housewife, — a 
character which formed the utmost ambition of our unen- 
lightened grandmothers. The front-door was never open- 
ed, except on marriages, funerals, New-Year's days, the 
festival of St. Nicholas, or some such great occasion. It 
was ornamented with a gorgeous brass knocker, curiously 
wrought, sometimes in the device of a dog, and sometimes 
of a lion's head, and was daily burnished with such relig- 
ious zeal, that it was ofttimes worn out by the very pre- 



THE GRAND PARLOR. 183 

cautions taken for its preservation. 'The whole house 
was constantly in a state of inundation, under the disci- 
pline of mops and brooms and scrubbing-brushes ; and 
the good housewives of those days were a kind of am- 
phibious animal, delighting exceedingly to be dabbling in 
water, — insomuch that an historian of the day gravely 
tells us, that many of his townswomen grew to have web- 
bed fingers like unto a duck ; and some of them, he had 
little doubt, could the matter be examined into, would be 
found to have the tails of mermaids, — but this I look 
upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or, what is worse, a 
wilful misrepresentation. 

The grand parlor was the sanctum sanctorum, where 
the passion for cleaning was indulged without control. 
In this sacred apartment no one was permitted to enter, 
excepting the mistress and her confidential maid, who 
visited it, once a week, for the purpose of giving it a 
thorough cleaning, and putting things to rights, — always 
taking the precaution of leaving their shoes at the door, 
and entering devoutly on their stocking-feet. After scrub- 
bing the floor, sprinkling it with fine white sand, which 
was curiously stroked into angles and curves and rhom- 
boids with a broom, — after washing the windows, rubbing 
and polishing the furniture, and putting a new bunch of 
evergreens in the fireplace, — the window-shutters were 
again closed to keep out the flies, and the room carefully 
locked up until the revolution of time brought round the 
weekly cleaning-day. 



184: HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

As to the family, they always entered in at the gate, 
and most generally lived in the kitchen. To have seen a 
numerous household assembled round the fire, one would 
have imagined that he was transported back to those 
happy days of primeval simplicity, which float before our 
imaginations like golden visions. The fireplaces were of 
a truly patriarchal magnitude, where the whole family, 
old and young, master and servant, black and white, nay, 
even the very cat and dog, enjoyed a community of privi- 
lege, and had each a right to a corner. Here the old 
burgher would sit in perfect silence, puffing his pipe, 
looking in the fire with half-shut eyes, and thinking of 
nothing for hours together ; the goede vrouw, on the op- 
posite side, would employ herself diligently in spinning 
yarn, or knitting stockings. The young folks would crowd 
around the hearth, listening with breathless attention to 
some old crone of a negro, who was the oracle of the fam- 
ily, and who, perched like a raven in a corner of the 
chimney, would croak forth for a long winter afternoon a 
string of incredible stories about New-England witches, 
— grisly ghosts, horses without heads, — and hair-breadth 
escapes, and bloody encounters among the Indians. 

In those happy days a well-regulated family always 
rose with the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed at 
sunset. Dinner was invariably a private meal, and the 
fat old burghers showed incontestable signs of disappro- 
bation and uneasiness at being surprised by a visit from 
a neighbor on such occasions. But though our worthy 



THE TEA-TABLE. 185 

ancestors were thus singularly averse -to giving dinners, 
yet they kept up the social bands of intimacy by occa- 
sional banquetings, called tea-parties. 

These fashionable parties were generally confined to 
the higher classes, or noblesse, that is to say, such as 
kept their own cows, and drove their own wagons. The 
company commonly assembled at three o'clock, and went 
away about six, unless it was in winter-time, when the 
fashionable hours were a little earlier, that the ladies 
might get home before dark. The tea-table was crowned 
with a huge earthen dish, well stored with slices of fat 
pork, fried brown, cut up into morsels, and swimming in 
gravy. The company being seated round the genial 
board, and each furnished with a fork, evinced their dex- 
terity in launching at the fattest pieces in this mighty 
dish, — in much the same manner as sailors harpoon por- 
poises at sea, or our Indians spear salmon in the lakes. 
Sometimes the table was graced with immense apple- 
pies, or saucers full of preserved peaches and pears ; but 
it was always sure to boast an enormous dish of balls of 
sweetened dough, fried in hog's fat, and called dough- 
nuts, or olykoeks, — a delicious kind of cake, at present 
scarce known in this city, except in genuine Dutch fami- 
lies. 

The tea was served out of a majestic Delft tea-pot, or- 
namented with paintings of fat little Dutch shepherds 
and shepherdesses tending pigs, with boats sailing in 
the air, and houses built in the clouds, and sundry other 



186 HISTORY OF IfEW YORK. 

ingenious Dutch fantasies. The beaux distinguished 
themselves by their adroitness in replenishing this pot 
from a huge copper tea-kettle, which would have made 
the pigmy macaronies of these degenerate days sweat 
merely to look at it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump 
of sugar was laid beside each cup, and the company alter- 
nately nibbled and sipped with great decorum, until an 
improvement was introduced by a shrewd and economic 
old lady, which was to suspend a large lump directly 
over the tea-table, by a string from the ceiling, so that it 
could be swung from mouth to mouth, — an ingenious ex- 
pedient, which is still kept up by some families in Al- 
bany, but which prevails without exception in Commu- 
lipaw, Bergen, Flatbush, and all our uncontaminated 
Dutch villages. 

At these primitive tea-parties the utmost propriety 
and dignity of deportment prevailed. No flirting nor co- 
quetting, — no gambling of old ladies, nor hoyden chatter- 
ing and romping of young ones, — no self-satisfied strut- 
tings of wealthy gentlemen, with their brains in their 
pockets, nor amusing conceits and monkey divertise- 
ments of smart young gentlemen, with no brains at 
all. On the contrary, the young ladies seated them- 
selves demurely in their rush-bottom chairs, and knit 
their own woollen stockings ; nor ever opened their lips 
excepting to say yah 3Iynheer, or, yah ya Vrouiv, to any 
question that was asked them; behaving in all things 
like decent, well-educated damsels. As to the gentle- 



TEE TEA-PARTT. 187 

men, each of them tranquilly smoked his pipe, and 
seemed lost in contemplation of the blue and white tiles 
with which the fireplaces were decorated; wherein sun- 
dry passages of Scripture were piously portrayed : Tobit 
and his dog figured to great advantage; Haman swung 
conspicuously on his gibbet ; and Jonah appeared most 
manfully bouncing out of the whale, like Harlequin 
through a barrel of fire. 

The parties broke up without noise and without con- 
fusion. They were carried home by their own carriages, 
that is to say, by the vehicles nature had provided them, 
excepting such of the wealthy as could afford to keep a 
wagon. The gentlemen gallantly attended their fair ones 
to their respective abodes, and took leave of them with a 
hearty smack at the door : which, as it was an established 
piece of etiquette, done in perfect simplicity and honesty 
of heart, occasioned no scandal at that time, nor should 
it at the present ; — if our great-grandfathers approved of 
the custom, it would argue a great want of deference in 
their descendants to say a word p-gainst it. 




CHAPTEE IV. 

CONTAINING FURTHER PARTICULARS OF THE GOLDEN AGE, AND WHAT CON- 
STITUTED A FINE LADY AND GENTLEMAU IN THE DAX3 OF WALTER THE 
DOUBTER. 

N this dulcet period of my history, when the 
beauteous island of Manna-hata presented a 
scene, the very counterpart of those glowing 
pictures drawn of the golden reign of Saturn, there was, 
as I have before observed, a happy ignorance, an honest 
simplicity prevalent among its inhabitants, which, were 
I even able to depict, would be but little understood 
by the degenerate age for which I am doomed to write. 
Even the female sex, those arch innovators upon the 
tranquillity, the honesty, and gray-beard customs of 
society, seemed for a while to conduct themselves with 
incredible sobriety and comeliness. 

Their hair, untortured by the abominations of art, was 
scrupulously pomatumed back from their foreheads with 
a candle, and covered with a little cap of quilted calico, 
which fitted exactly to their heads. Tlieir petticoats of 
linsey-woolsey were striped with a variety of gorgeous 
dyes, — though I must confess these gallant garments werG 

188 



USEFUL ADOBNMENTS. 189 

rather short, scarce reaching below the knee ; but then 
they made up in the number, which generally equalled 
that of the gentleman's small-clothes; and what is still 
more praiseworthy, they were all of their own manufac- 
ture, — of which circumstance, as may well be supposed, 
they were not a little vain. 

These were the honest days in which every woman 
staid at home, read the Bible, and wore pockets, — ay, 
and that too of a goodly size, fashioned with patchwork 
into many curious devices, and ostentatiously worn on 
the outside. These, in fact, were convenient receptacles, 
where all good housewives carefully stored away such 
things as they wished to have at hand ; by which means 
they often came to be incredibly crammed ; and I re- 
member there was a story current, when I was a boy, 
that the lady of Wouter Van Twiller once had occasion to 
empty her right pocket in search of a wooden ladle, when 
the contents filled a couple of corn-baskets, and the uten- 
sil was discovered lying among some rubbish in one 
corner ; — but we must not give too much faith to all 
these stories, the anecdotes of those remote periods being 
very subject to exaggeration. 

Besides these notable pockets, they likewise wore scis- 
sors and pin-cushions suspended from their girdles by 
red ribands, or, among the more opulent and showy 
classes, by brass, and even silver chains, — indubitable 
tokens of thrifty housewives and industrious spinsters. 
I cannot say much iu vindication of the shortness of the 



190 HISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

petticoats ; it doubtless was introduced for the purpose 
of giving the stockings a chance to be seen, which were 
generally of blue worsted, with magnificent red clocks, — 
or, perhaps, to display a well-turned ankle, and a neat, 
though serviceable foot, set off by a high-heeled leathern 
shoe, with a large and splendid silver buckle. Thus we 
find that the gentle sex in all ages have shown the same 
disposition to infringe a little upon the laws of decorum, 
in order to betray a lurking beauty, or gratify an inno- 
cent love of finery. 

From the sketch here given, it will be seen that our 
good grandmothers differed considerably in their ideas 
of a fine figure from their scantily dressed descendants 
of the present day. A fine lady, in those times, waddled 
under more clothes, even on a fair summer's day, than 
would have clad the whole bevy of a modern ball-room. 
Nor were they the less admired by the gentlemen in con- 
sequence thereof. On the contrary, the greatness of a 
lover's passion seemed to increase in proportion to the 
magnitude of its object, — and a voluminous damsel, ar- 
rayed in a dozen of petticoats, was declared by a Low- 
Dutch sonneteer of the jjrovince to be radiant as a sun- 
flower, and luxuriant as a full-blown cabbage. Certain it 
is, that in those days the heart of a lover could not con- 
tain more than one lady at a time ; whereas the heart of 
a modern gallant has often room enough to accommodate 
half a dozen. The reason of which I conclude to be, that 
either the hearts of the gentlemen have grown larger, or 



THE GAY CAVALIERS. 191 

the persons of the ladies smaller : this, however, is a 
question for physiologists to determine. 

But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which, 
no doubt, entered into the consideration of the prudent 
gallants. The wardrobe of a lady was in those days her 
only fortune ; and she who had a good stock of petticoats 
and stockings was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kam- 
tchatka damsel with a store of bear-skins, or a Lapland 
belle with a plenty of reindeer. The ladies, therefore, 
were very anxious to display these powerful attractions 
to the greatest advantage ; and the best rooms in the 
house, instead of being adorned with caricatures of dame 
Nature, in water-colors and needle-work, were always 
hung round with abundance of homespun garments, the 
manufacture and the property of the females, — a piece of 
laudable ostentation that still prevails among the heir- 
esses of our Dutch villages. 

The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the circles of 
the gay world in these ancient times, corresponded, in 
most particulars, with the beauteous damsels whose 
smiles they were ambitious to deserve. True it is, their 
merits would make but a very inconsiderable impression 
upon the heart of a modern fair : they neither drove their 
curricles, nor sported their tandems, for as yet those 
gaudy vehicles were not even dreamt of ; neither did they 
distinguish themselves by their brilliancy at the table, 
and their consequent rencontres with watchmen, for our 
forefathers were of too pacific a disposition to need those 



192 EISTOBT OF NEW TORE. 

guardians of tlie night, every soul tlirougliout the town 
being sound asleep before nine o'clock. Neither did they 
establish their claims to gentility at the expense of their 
tailors, for as yet those offenders against the pockets of 
society, and the tranquillity of all aspiring young gen- 
tlemen, were unknown in New Amsterdam; every good 
housewife made the clothes of her husband and family, 
and even the goede vrouw of Yan Twiller himself thought 
it no disparagement to cut out her husband's linsey- 
woolsey galligaskins. 

Not but what there were some two or three youngsters 
who manifested the first dawning of what is called fire 
and spirit; who held all labor in contempt; skulked 
about docks and market-places ; loitered in the sunshine ; 
squandered what little money they could procure at hus- 
tlecap and chuck-farthing; swore, boxed, fought cocks, 
and raced their neighbors' horses; in short, who prom- 
ised to be the wonder, the talk, and abomination of the 
town, had not their stylish career been unfortunately cut 
short by an affair of honor with a whipping-post. 

Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gentle- 
man of those days: his dress, which served for both 
morning and evening, street and drawing-room, was a 
linsey-woolsey coat, made, perhaps, by the fair hands of 
the mistress of his affections, and gallantly bedecked 
with abundance of large brass buttons; half a score of 
breeches heightened the proportions of his figure; his 
shoes were decorated by enormous copper buckles; a 



THE GOLDEN AGE. 193 

low-crowned broad-rimmed hat overshadowed his burly- 
visage ; and his hair dangled down his back in a prodig- 
ious queue of eel-skin. 

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth, with 
pipe in mouth, to besiege some fair damsel's obdurate 
heart, — not such a pipe, good reader, as that which Acis 
did sweetly tune in praise of his Galatea, but one of true 
Delft manufacture, and furnished with a charge of fra- 
grant tobacco. With this would he resolutely set himself 
down before the fortress, and rarely failed, in the process 
of time, to smoke the fair enemy into a surrender, upon 
honorable terms. 

Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, cele- 
brated in many a long-forgotten song as the real golden 
age, the rest being nothing but counterfeit copper-washed 
coin. In that delightful period, a sweet and holy calm 
reigned over the whole province. The burgomaster 
smoked his pipe in peace ; the substantial solace of his 
domestic cares, after her daily toils were done, sat sober- 
ly at the door, with her arms crossed over her apron of 
snowy white, without being insulted with ribald street- 
walkers or vagabond boys,— those unlucky urchins who 
do so infest our streets, displaying, under the roses of 
youth, the thorns and briers of iniquity. Then it was 
that the lover with ten breeches, and the damsel with 
petticoats of half a score, indulged in all the innocent 
endearments of virtuous love, without fear and without 
reproach ; for what had that virtue to fear, which was de- 
13 



194 EISTOBY OF NEW TORE. 

fended by a shield of good linsey-woolseys, equal at least 
to the seven bull-hides of the invincible Ajax ? 

Ah, blissful and never to be forgotten age ! when every- 
thing was better than it has ever been since, or ever will 
be again, — when Buttermilk Channel was quite dry at 
low water, — when the shad in the Hudson were all sal- 
mon, — and when the moon shone with a pure and resplen- 
dent whiteness, instead of that melancholy yellow light 
which is the consequence of her sickening at the abomi- 
nations she every night witnesses in this degenerate city ! 

Happy would it have been for New Amsterdam could 
it always have existed in this state of blissful ignorance 
and lowly simplicity ; but, alas ! the days of childhood 
are too sweet to last ! Cities, like men, grow out of tliem 
in time, and are doomed alike to grow into the bustle, the 
cares, and miseries of the world. Let no man congratu- 
late himself, when he beholds the child of his bosom or 
the city of his birth increasing in magnitude and impor- 
tance, — let the history of his own life teach him the dan- 
gers of the one, and this excellent little history of Manna- 
hata convince him of the calamities of the other. 




CHAPTEE V. 

OF THE FOTTNDING OF FORT AUKANIA — OF THE MYSTERIES OF THE HUDSON—. 
OF THE ARRIVAL OF THE PATROON KILLIAN VAN RENSELLAER ; HIS LORDLY 
DESCENT UPON THE EARTH, AND HIS INTRODUCTION OF CLUB-LAW. 

T has already been mentioned, that, in the early 
times of Oloffe the Dreamer, a frontier-post, or 
trading-house, called Fort Aurania, had been 
established on the upper waters of the Hudson, precisely 
on the site of the present venerable city of Albany ; 
which was at that time considered at the very end of the 
habitable world. It was, indeed, a remote possession, 
with which, for a long time, New Amsterdam held but 
little intercourse. Now and then the " Company's Yacht," 
as it was called, was sent to the fort with supplies, and to 
bring away the peltries which had been purchased of the 
Indians. It was like an expedition to the Indias, or the 
North Pole, and always made great talk in the settle- 
ment. Sometimes an adventurous burgher would ac- 
company the expedition, to the great uneasiness of his 
friends ; but, on his return, had so many stories to tell 
of storms and tempests on the Tappan Zee, of hobgob- 
lins in the Highlands and at the Devil's Dans Kammer, 
and of all the other wonders and perils with which the 

195 



196 BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

river abounded in those early days, that he deterred the 
less adventurous inhabitants from following his example. 

Matters were in this state, when, one day, as Walter 
the Doubter and his burgermeesters were smoking and 
pondering over the affairs of the province, they were 
roused by the report of a cannon. Sallying forth, they 
beheld a strange vessel at anchor in the bay. It was un- 
questionably of Dutch build, broad-bottomed and high- 
pooped, and bore the flag of their High Mightinesses at 
the mast-head. 

After a while, a boat put off for land, and a stranger 
stepped on shore, — a lofty, lordly kind of man, tall, and 
dry, with a meagre face, furnished with huge moustaches. 
He was clad in Flemish doublet and hose, and an insuf- 
ferably tall hat, with a cocktail feather. Such was the 
patroon Killian Van Rensellaer, who had come out from 
Holland to found a colony or patroonship on a great 
tract of wild land, granted to him by their High Mighti- 
nesses the Lords States General, in the upper regions 
of the Hudson. 

Killian Yan Eensellaer was a nine days' wonder in 
New Amsterdam ; for he carried a high head, looked 
down upon the portly, short-legged burgomasters, and 
owned no allegiance to the governor himself; boasting 
that he held his patroonship directly from the Lords 
States General. 

He tarried but a short time in New Amsterdam, merely 
to beat up recruits for his colony. Few, however, ven- 



EILLIAN VAN RENSELLAER. 197 

tured to enlist for those remote and savage regions ; and 
wlien they embarked, their friends took leave of them as 
if they should never see them more, and stood gazing 
with tearful eye as the stout, round-sterned little vessel 
ploughed and splashed its way up the Hudson, with 
great noise and little progress, taking nearly a day to get 
out of sight of the city. 

And now, from time to time, floated down tidings to 
the Manhattoes of the growing importance of this new 
colony. Every account represented Killian Van Bensel- 
laer as rising in importance and becoming a mighty pa- 
troon in the land. He had received more recruits from 
Holland. His patroonship of Rensellaerwick lay imme- 
diately below Fort; Aurania, and extended for several 
miles on each side of the Hudson, beside embracing the 
mountainous region of the Helderberg, Over all this he 
claimed to hold separate jurisdiction, independent of the 
colonial authorities of New Amsterdam. 

All these assumptions of authority were duly reported 
to Governor "Van Twiller and his council, by dispatches 
from Fort Aurania ; at each new report the governor and 
his counsellors looked at each other, raised their eye- 
brows, gave an extra puff or two of smoke, and then re- 
lapsed into their usual tranquillity. 

At length tidings came that the patroon of Eensellaer- 
wick liad extended his usurpations along the river, be- 
yond the limits granted him by their High Mightinesses ; 
and that he had even seized upon a rocky island in the 



198 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Hudson, commonly known by the name of Beam or Bear's 
Island, where he was erecting a fortress, to be called by 
the lordly name of Bensellaerstein. 

Wouter Yan Twiller was roused by this intelligence. 
After consulting with his burgomasters, he dispatched a 
letter to the patroon of Bensellaerwick, demanding by 
what right he had seized upon this island, which lay 
beyond the bounds of his patroonshijD. The answer of 
Killian Yan Bensellaer was in his own lordly style, ^' By 
wapen recht ! " — that is to say, by the right of arms, or, in 
common jDarlance, by club-law. This answer plunged the 
worthy "Wouter in one of the deepest doubts he had in 
the whole course of his administration ; in the mean time, 
while Wouter doubted, the lordly Killian went on to 
finish his fortress of Rensellaerstein, about which I fore- 
see I shall have something to record in a future chapter 
of this most eventful history. 



CHAPTER VI. 



IN WHICH THE REABER IS BEGUILED INTO A DELECTABLE WALK, WHICH 
ENDS VERY DIFFERENTLY FROM WHAT IT COMMENCED. 




N the year of our Lord one thousand eight hun- 
dred and four, on a fine afternoon in the glow- 
ing month of September, I took my customary 
walk upon the Battery, which is at once the pride and bul- 
wark of this ancient and impregnable city of New York. 
The ground on which I trod was hallowed by recollec- 
tions of the past ; and as I slowly wandered through the 
long alley of poplars, which, like so many birch brooms 
standing on end, diffused a melancholy and lugubrious 
shade, my imagination drew a contrast between the sur- 
rounding scenery and what it was in the classic days of 
our forefathers. Where the government house by name, 
but the custom-house by occupation, proudly reared its 
brick walls and wooden pillars, there whilom stood the 
low, but substantial, red-tiled mansion of the renowned 
Wouter Van Twiller. Around it the mighty bulwarks of 
Fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to every absent foe ; 
but, like many a whiskered warrior and gallant militia 
captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns alone. 
The mud breastworks had long been levelled with the 

199 



200 EI8T0RT OF NEW YORK. 

earth, and their site converted into the green lawns and 
leafy alleys of the Battery; where the gay apprentice 
sported his Sunday coat, and the laborious mechanic, re- 
lieved from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured his 
weekly tale of love into the half-averted ear of the senti- 
mental chambermaid. The capacious bay still presented 
the same expansive sheet of water, studded with islands, 
sprinkled with fishing-boats, and bounded by shores of 
picturesque beauty. But the dark forests which once 
clothed those shores had been violated by the savage 
hand of cultivation, and their tangled mazes, and impene- 
trable thickets, had degenerated into teeming orchards 
and waving fields of grain. Even Governor's Island, once 
a smiling garden, appertaining to the sovereigns of the 
province, was now covered with fortifications, inclosing 
a tremendous block-house, — so that this once peaceful 
island resembled a fierce little warrior in a big cocked 
hat, breathing gunpowder and defiance to the world ! 

For some time did I indulge in a pensive train of 
thought ; contrasting, in sober sadness, the present day 
with the hallowed years behind the mountains ; lament- 
ing the melancholy progress of improvement, and prais- 
ing the zeal with which our worthy burghers endeavored 
to preserve the wrecks of venerable customs, prejudices, 
and errors from the overwhelming tide of modern innova- 
tion, — when, by degrees, my ideas took a difierent turn, 
and I insensibly awakened to an enjoyment of the beau- 
ties around me. 



AN AUTUMN VIEW OF TEE BAT. 201 

It was one of those rich autumnal days which heaven 
particularly bestows upon the beauteous island of Manna- 
hata and its vicinity, — not a floating cloud obscured the 
azure firmament, — the sun, rolling in glorious splendor 
through his ethereal course, seemed to expand his honest 
Dutch countenance into an unusual expression of benev- 
olence, as he smiled his evening salutation upon a city 
which he delights to visit with his most bounteous beams, 
— the very winds seemed to hold in their breaths in mute 
attention, lest they should ruffle the tranquillity of the 
hour, — and the waveless bosom of the bay presented a pol- 
ished mirror, in which nature beheld herself and smiled. 
The standard of our city, reserved, like a choice handker- 
chief, for days of gala, hung motionless on the flag-staff, 
which forms the handle of a gigantic churn ; and even the 
tremulous leaves of the poplar and the aspen ceased to vi- 
brate to the breath of heaven. Everything seemed to ac- 
quiesce in the profound repose of nature. The formidable 
cighteen-pounders slept in the embrazures of the wooden 
batteries, seemingly gathering fresh strength to fight the 
battles of their country on the next fourth of July ; the 
solitary drum on Governor's Island forgot to call the gar- 
rison to their shovels ; the evening gun had not yet sound- 
ed its signal for all the regular well-meaning poultry 
tliroughout the country to go to roost ; and the fleet of 
canoes, at anchor between Gibbet Island and Communi- 
paw, slumbered on their rakes, and suffered the innocent 
oysters to lie for a while unmolested in the soft mud of 



202 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

their native banks ! My own feelings sympathized with 
the contagious tranquillity, and I should infallibly have 
dozed upon one of those fragments of benches, which our 
benevolent magistrates have provided for the benefit of 
convalescent loungers, had not the extraordinary incon- 
venience of the couch set all repose at defiance. 

In the midst of this slumber of the soul, my attention 
was attracted to a black speck, peering above the western 
horizon, just in the rear of Bergen steeple : gradually it 
augments and overhangs the would-be cities of Jersey, 
Harsimus, and Hoboken, which, like three jockeys, are 
starting on the course of existence, and jostling each 
other at the commencement of the race. Now it skirts 
the long shore of ancient Pavonia, spreading its wide 
shadows from the high settlements of Weehawk quite 
to the lazaretto and quarantine erected by the sagacity 
of our police, for the embarrassment of commerce ; now 
it climbs the serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling over 
cloud, shrouding the orb of day, darkening the vast ex- 
panse, and bearing thunder and hail and tempest in its 
bosom. The earth seems agitated at the confusion of the 
heavens ; the late v/aveless mirror is lashed into furious 
waves that roll in hollow murmurs to the shore ; the 
oyster-boats that erst sported in the placid vicinity of 
Gibbet Island, now hurry affrighted to the land ; the pop- 
lar writhes and twists and whistles in the blast ; torrents 
of drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the Battery 
walks; the gates are thronged by apprentices, servant- 



WHY THE STORM CAME. 203 

maids, and little Frenchmen, with pocket-handkerchiefs 
over their hats, scampering from the storm ; the late 
beauteous prospect presents one scene of anarchy and 
wild uproar, as though old Chaos had resumed his reign, 
and was hurling back into one vast turmoil the conflicting 
elements of nature. 

Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained 
boldly at my post, as our gallant train-band captains who 
march their soldiers through the rain without flinching, 
are points which I leave to the conjecture of the reader. 
It is possible he may be a little perplexed also to know 
the reason why I introduced this tremendous tempest to 
disturb the serenity of my work. On this latter point I 
will gratuitously instruct his ignorance. The panorama 
view of the Battery was given merely to gratify the 
readei with a correct descrij)tion of that celebrated place 
and the parts adjacent; secondly, the storm was played 
oflf, partly to give a little bustle and life to this tranquil 
part of my work, and to keep my drowsy readers from 
falling asleep, and partly to serve as an overture to the 
tempestuous times which are about to assail the pacific 
province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and which overhang the 
slumbrous administration of the renowned Wouter Van 
Twiller. It is thus the experienced playwright puts all 
the fiddles, the French-horns, the kettle-drums, and 
trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, to usher in one 
of those horrible and brimstone uproars called Melo- 
dramas, — and it is thus he discharges his thunder, his 



204 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

lightning, his rosin, and saltpetre, preparatory to the ris- 
ing of a ghost or the murdering of a hero. We will now 
proceed with our history. 

Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to the con- 
trary, I am of opinion, that, as to nations, the old maxim, 
that " honesty is the best policy," is a sheer and ruinous 
mistake. It might have answered well enough in the 
honest times when it was made ; but in these degenerate 
days, if a nation pretends to rely merely upon the justice 
of its dealings, it will fare something like the honest man 
who fell among thieves, and found his honesty a poor 
protection against bad company. Such, at least, was the 
case with the guileless government of the New Nether- 
lands ; which, like a worthy unsuspicious old burgher, 
quietly settled itself down in the city of New Amster- 
dam, as into a snug elbow-chair, and fell into a comfort- 
able nap, while, in the mean time, its cunning neighbors 
stepped in and picked its pockets. In a word, we may 
ascribe the commencement of all the woes of this great 
province, and its magnificent metropolis, to the tranquil 
security, or, to speak more accurately, to the unfortunate 
honesty of its government. But as I dislike to begin an 
important part of my history towards the end of a chap- 
ter, and as my readers, like myself, must doubtless be 
exceedingly fatigued with the long walk we have taken, 
and the tempest we have sustained, I hold it meet we 
shut up the book, smoke a pipe, and, having thus re- 
freshed our spirits, take a fair start in a new chapter. 



CHAPTER YH. 

FAITHFULLY DESCRIBING THE INGENIOUS PEOPLE OF CONNECTICUT AND 
THEREABOUTS — SHOWING, MOREOVER, THE TRUE MEANING OF LIBERTY OF 
CONSCIENCE, AND A CURIOUS DEVICE AMONG THESE STURDY BARBARIANS 
TO KEEP UP A HARMONY OF INTERCOURSE, AND PROMOTE POPULATION. 

HAT my readers may the more fully compre- 
hend the extent of the calamity, at this very 
moment impending over the honest, unsuspect- 
ing province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and its dubious 
governor, it is necessary that I should give some account 
of a horde of strange barbarians, bordering upon the 
eastern frontier. 

Now so it came to pass, that, many years previous to 
the time of which we are treating, the sage cabinet of 
England had adopted a certain national creed, a kind of 
public walk of faith, or rather a religious turnpike, in 
which every loyal subject was directed to travel to Zion, 
— taking care to pay the toll-gatherers by the way. 

Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very much 
given to indulge their own opinions on all manner of 
subjects, (a propensity exceedingly offensive to your free 
governments of Europe,) did most presumptuously dare 
to think for themselves in matters of religion, exercising 

205 



206 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

what they considered a natural and unextingmshable 
right — the liberty of conscience. 

As, however, they possessed that ingenuous habit of 
mind which always thinks aloud, which rides cock-a- 
hoop on the tongue, and is forever galloping into other 
people's ears, it naturally followed that their liberty of 
conscience likewise implied liberty of speech, which being 
freely indulged, soon put the country in a hubbub, and 
aroused the pious indignation of the vigilant fathers of 
the church. 

The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, 
which in those days were considered efficacious in bring- 
ing back stray sheep to the fold; that is to say, they 
were coaxed, they were admonished, they were men- 
aced, they were buffeted, — line uj)on line, precept upon 
precept, lash upon lash, here a little and there a great 
deal, were exhorted without mercy and without suc- 
cess, — until the worthy pastors of the church, wearied 
out by their unparalleled stubbornness, were driven, in 
the excess of their tender mercy, to adopt the Scrip- 
ture text, and literally to "heap live embers on their 
heads." 

Nothing, however, could subdue that independence of 
the tongue which has ever distinguished this singular 
race, so that, rather than subject that heroic member to 
further tyranny, they one and all embarked for the wil- 
derness of America, to enjoy, unmolested, the inestimable 
right of talking. And, in fact, no sooner did they land 



THE YANKEES. 207 

upon the shore of this free-spoken country, than they all 
lifted up their voices, and made such a clamor of tongues, 
that we are told they frightened every bird and beast out 
of the neighborhood, and struck such mute terror into 
certain fish, that they have been called dumh-fish ever 
since. 

This may appear marvellous, but it is nevertheless 
true ; in proof of which I would observe, that the dumb- 
fish has ever since become an object of superstitious rev- 
erence, and forms the Saturday's dinner of every true 
Yankee. 

The simple aborigines of the land for a while contem- 
plated these strange folk in utter astonishment; but dis- 
covering that they wielded harmless though noisy weap- 
ons, and were a lively, ingenious, good-humored race of 
men, they became very friendly and sociable, and gave 
them the name of YanoJcies, which in the Mais-Tchu- 
saeg (or Massachusett) language signifies siknt men, — a 
waggish appellation, since shortened into the familiar 
epithet of Yankees, which they retain unto the present 
day. 

True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will not al- 
low me to pass over the fact, that, having served a regu- 
lar apprenticeship in the school of persecution, these 
ingenious people soon showed that they had become mas- 
ters of the art. The great majority were of one particu- 
lar mode of thinking in matters of religion ; but, to their 
great surprise and indignation, they found that divers 



208 niSTORT OF NEW TORE. 

papists, quakers, and anabaptists were springing up 
among them, and all claiming to use the liberty of 
speech. This was at once pronounced a daring abuse of 
the liberty of conscience, which they now insisted was 
nothing more than the liberty to think as one pleased in 
matters of religion — provided one thought right; for 
otherwise it would be giving a latitude to damnable here- 
sies. Now as they, the majority, were convinced that they 
alone thought right, it consequently followed, that who- 
ever thought different from them thought wrong, — and 
whoever thought wrong, and obstinately persisted in not 
being convinced and converted, was a flagrant violator 
of the inestimable liberty of conscience, and a corrupt 
and infectious member of the body politic, and deserved 
to be lopped off and cast into the fire. The consequence 
of all which was a fiery persecution of divers sects, and 
especially of quakers. 

Now I'll warrant there are hosts of my readers, ready 
at once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that virtuous 
indignation with which we contemjjlate the faults and er- 
rors of our neighbors, and to exclaim at the preposterous 
idea of convincing the mind by tormenting the body, and 
establishing the doctrine of charity and forbearance by 
intolerant persecution. But in simple truth what are we 
doing at this very day, and in this very enlightened na- 
tion, but acting upon the very same principle in our 
political controversies ? Have we not within but a few 
years released ourselves from the shackles of a govern- 



FBEEDOM OF THOUGHT. 209 

ment which cruelly denied us the privilege of governing 
ourselves, and using in full latitude that invaluable mem- 
ber, the tongue ? and are we not at this very moment 
striving our best to tyrannize over the opinions, tie up 
the tongues, and ruin the fortunes of one another? 
What are our great political societies, but mere political 
inquisitions, — our pot-house committees, but little tribu- 
nals of denunciation, — our newspapers, but mere whip- 
ping-posts and pillories, where imfortunate individuals 
are pelted with rotten eggs, — and our council of appoint- 
ment, but a grand mdo da fc where culprits are annually 
sacrificed for their political heresies ? 

Where, then, is the difference in principle between our 
measures and those you are so ready to condemn among 
the people I am treating of ? There is none ; the differ- 
ence is merely circumstantial. Thus we denounce, in- 
stead of banishing, — we libel, instead of scourging,— we 
turn out of office, instead of hanging, — and where they 
burnt an offender in proper person, we either tar and 
feather, or hum 1dm in effigy, — this political persecution 
being, somehow or other, the grand palladium of our 
liberties, and an incontrovertible proof that this is a free 
country ! 

But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this 
holy war was prosecuted against the whole race of unbe- 
lievers, we do not find that the population of this new 
colony was in any wise hindered thereby ; on the con- 
trary, they multiplied to a degree which would be incred- 
14 



210 EI8T0BT OF NEW TORE. 

ible to any man unacquainted witli tlie marvellous fecun- 
dity of this growing country. 

This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly ascribed 
to a singular custom prevalent among them, commonly 
known by the name of bundling, — a superstitious rite ob- 
served by the young people of both sexes, with which 
they usually terminated their festivities, and which was 
kept up with religious strictness by the more bigoted 
part of the community. This ceremony was likewise, in 
those primitive times, considered as an indispensable 
preliminary to matrimony, their courtships commencing 
where ours usually finish, — by which means they ac- 
quired that intimate acquaintance with each other's good 
qualities before marriage, which has been pronounced 
by philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. Thus 
early did this cunning and ingenious people display a 
shrewdness of making a bargain, which has ever since 
distinguished them,— and a strict adherence to the good 
old vulgar maxim about " buying a pig in a poke." 

To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly attri- 
bute the unparalleled increase of the Yanokie or Yankee 
race ; for it is a certain fact, well authenticated by court 
records and parish registers, that, wherever the prac- 
tice of bundling prevailed, there was an amazing number 
of sturdy brats annually born unto the State, without the 
license of the law, or the benefit of clergy. Neither did 
the irregularity of their birth operate in the least to their 
disparagement. On the contrary, they grew up a long- 



THE YANKEES. 211 

sided, raw-boned, hardy race of whoreson whalers, wood- 
cutters, fishermen, and peddlers, and strapping corn-fed 
wenches, — who by their united eflforts tended marvel- 
lously towards peopling those notable tracts of country 
called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod. 




CHAPTEE Vni. 

HOW THESE SINGULAR BARBARIANS TURNED OUT TO BE NOTORIOUS SQUAT- 
TERS — ^HOW THEY BUILT AIR-CASTLES, AND ATTEMPTED TO INITIATE THE 
NEDERLANDERS INTO THE MYSTERY OF BUNDLING. 

N the last chapter I have given a faithful and 
unprejudiced account of the origin of that sin- 
I gular race of j)eople inhabiting the country 
eastward of the Nieuw Nederlandts ; but I have yet to 
mention certain peculiar habits which rendered them ex- 
ceedingly annoying to our ever-honored Dutch ancestors. 

The most prominent of these was a certain rambling 
propensity, with which, like the sons of Ishmael, they 
seem to have been gifted by heaven, and which continu- 
ally goads them on to shift their residence from place to 
place, so that a Yankee farmer is in a constant state of 
migration, tarrying occasionally here and there, clearing 
lands for other people to enjoy, building houses for oth- 
ers to inhabit, and in a manner may be considered the 
wandering Arab of America. 

His first thought, on coming to years of manhood, is to 
settle himself in the world, — which means nothing more 
nor less than to begin his rambles. To this end he takes 
unto himself for a wife some buxom country heiress, pass- 

212 



WAYS OF THE YANKEES. 213 

ing rich in red ribbons, glass beads, and mock tortoise- 
shell combs, with a white gown and morocco shoes for 
Sunday, and deeply skilled in the mystery of making 
apple-sweetmeats, long sauce, and 2)umj)kin-pie. 

Having thus provided himself, like a peddler with a 
heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders 
through the journey of life, he literally sets out on the 
peregrination. His whole family, household-furniture, 
and farming-utensils are hoisted into a covered cart, his 
own and his wife's wardrobe packed up in a firkin, — 
which done, he shoulders his axe, takes staff in hand, 
whistles " Yankee doodle," and trudges off to the woods, 
as confident of the protection of Providence, and relying 
as cheerfully upon his own resources, as ever did a 
patriarch of yore when he journeyed into a strange coun- 
try of the Gentiles. Having buried himself in the wil- 
derness, he builds himself a log hut, clears away a corn- 
field and potato-patch, and. Providence smiling upon his 
labors, is soon surrounded by a snug farm and some half 
a score of flaxen-headed urchins, who, by their size, seem 
to have sprung all at once out of the earth, like a crop of 
toadstools. 

But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable of 
speculators to rest contented with any state of sublunary 
enjoyment : improvement is his darling passion ; and hav- 
ing thus improved his lands, the next care is to provide 
a mansion worthy the residence of a landholder. A huge 
palace of pine boards immediately springs up in the 



214 EI8T0BT OF NEW YORE. 

midst of the wilderness, large enough for a parish church, 
and furnished with windows of all dimensions, but so 
rickety and flimsy withal, that every blast gives it a fit of 
the ague. 

By the time the outside of this mighty air-castle is 
completed, either the funds or the zeal of our adventurer 
is exhausted, so that he barely manages to furnish one 
room within, where the whole family burrow together, — 
while the rest of the house is devoted to the curing of 
pumpkins, or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is dec- 
orated with fanciful festoons of dried apples and peaches. 
The outside, remaining unpainted, grows venerably black 
with time ; the family wardrobe is laid under contribu- 
tion for old hats, petticoats, and breeches, to stuff into 
the broken windows, while the four winds of heaven keep 
up a whistling and howling about this aerial palace, and 
play as many unruly gambols as they did of yore in the 
cave of old ^olus. 

The humble log hut, which whilom nestled this improv- 
ing family snugly within its narrow but comfortable walls, 
stands hard by, in ignominious contrast, degraded into a 
cow-house or pig-sty ; and the whole scene reminds one 
forcibly of a fable, which I am surprised has never been 
recorded, of an aspiring snail, who abandoned his humble 
habitation, which he had long filled with great respect- 
ability, to crawl into the empty shell of a lobster,— where 
he would no doubt have resided with great style and 
splendor, the envy and the hate of all the painstaking 



YANKEE MANNERS. 215 

snails in the neighborliood, had he not perished with 
cold in one corner of his stupendous mansion. 

Being thus completely settled, and, to use his own 
■words, "to rights," one would imagine that he would 
begin to enjoy the comforts of his situation, — to read 
newspapers, talk politics, neglect his own business, and 
attend to the affairs of the nation, like a useful and patri- 
otic citizen ; but now it is that his wayward disposition 
begins again to operate. He soon grows tired of a spot 
where there is no longer any room for improvement, — 
sells his farm, air-castle, petticoat windows and all, re- 
loads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself at the head 
of his famil}', and wanders away in search of new lands, 
— again to fell trees, — again to clear cornfields, — again to 
build a shingle palace, and again to sell off and wander. 
Such were the people of Connecticut, who bordered upon 
the eastern frontier of New Netherlands ; and my readers 
may easily imagine what uncomfortable neighbors this 
light-hearted but restless tribe must have been to our 
tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I would ask them 
if they have ever known one of our regular, well-organ- 
ized Dutch families, whom it hath pleased heaven to af- 
flict with the neighborhood of a French boarding-house? 
The honest old burgher cannot take his afternoon's pipe 
on the bench before his door, but he is persecuted with 
the scraping of fiddles, the chattering of women, and the 
squalling of children ; he cannot sleep at night for the 
horrible melodies of some amateur, who chooses to sere- 



216 HISTORY OF IfEW TOEK 

nade the moon, and display his terrible proficiency in 
execution, on the clarionet, hautboy, or some other soft- 
toned instrument ; nor can he leave the street-door open, 
but his house is defiled by the unsavory visits of a troop 
of pup-dogs, who even sometimes carry their loathsome 
ravages into the sanetum sanctorum, the parlor ! 

If my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of such 
a family, so situated, they may form some idea how our 
worthy ancestors were distressed by their mercurial 
neighbors of Connecticut. 

Gangs of these marauders, we are told, penetrated into 
the New Netherland settlements, and threw whole vil- 
lages into consternation by their unparalleled volubility 
and their intolerable inquisitiveness, — two evil habits 
hitherto unknown in those parts, or only known to be 
abhorred ; for our ancestors were noted as being men of 
truly Spartan taciturnity, and who neither knew nor 
cared aught about anybody's concerns but their own. 
Many enormities were committed on the highways, 
where several unoffending burghers were brought to 
a stand, and tortured with questions and guesses, — 
which outrages occasioned as much vexation and heart- 
burning as does the modern right of search on the high 
seas. 

Great jealousy did they likewise stir up, by their inter- 
meddling and successes among the divine sex ; for, being 
a race of brisk, likely, pleasant-tongued varlets, they soon 
seduced the light affections of the simple damsels from 



TEE YANKEES. 217 

their ponderous Dutch gallants. Among other hideous 
customs, tliey attempted to introduce among them that 
of bundling, which the Dutch lasses of the Nederlandts, 
with that eager passion for novelty and foreign fashions 
natural to their sex, seemed very well inclined to follow, 
but that their mothers, being more experienced in the 
world, and better acquainted with men and things, 
strenuously discountenanced all such outlandish innova- 
tions. 

But what chiefly operated to embroil our ancestors 
with these strange folk, was an unwarrantable liberty 
which they occasionally took of entering in hordes into 
the territories of the New Netherlands, and settling them- 
selves down, without leave or license, to improve the land, 
in the manner I have before noticed. This unceremoni- 
ous mode of taking possession of ncio land was technically 
termed squatting, and hence is derived the appellation of 
squatters, — a name odious in the ears of all great land- 
holders, and which is given to those enterprising worthies 
who seize upon land first, and take their chance to make 
good their title to it afterwards. 

All these grievances, and many others which were con- 
stantly accumulating, tended to form that dark and por- 
tentous cloud, which, as I observed in a former chapter, 
was slowly gathering over the tranquil province of New 
Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of Van Twiller, how- 
ever, as will be perceived in the sequel, bore them all 
with a magnanimity that redounds to their immortal 



218 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

credit, becoming by passive endurance inured to this in- 
creasing mass of wrongs, — like tliat mighty man of old, 
who, by dint of carrying about a calf from the time it was 
born, continued to carry it without difficulty when it had 
grown to be an ox. 



CHAPTER IX. 



HOW THE FORT GOED HOOP WAS FEARFULLY BELEAGUERED — HOW THE RE- 
NOWNED WOUTER FELL INTO A PROFOUND DOUBT, AND HOW HE FINALLY 
EVAPORATED. 



Y this time my readers must fully perceive what 
an arduous task I have undertaken, — exploring 
a little kind of Herculaneum of history, which 



had lain nearly for ages buried under the rubbish of 
years, and almost totally forgotten, — raking up the limbs 
and fragments of disjointed facts, and endeavoring to j^ut 
them scrupulously together, so as to restore them to 
their original form and connection, — now lugging forth 
the character of an almost forgotten hero, like a muti- 
lated statue, now deciphering a half-defaced inscription, 
and now lighting upon a mouldering manuscript, which, 
after painful study, scarce repays the trouble of perusal. 

In such case, how much has the reader to depend upon 
the honor and probity of his author, lest, like a cunning 
antiquarian, he either impose upon him some spurious 
fabrication of his own for a precious relic of antiquity, 
or else dress up the dismembered fragment with such 
false trappings, that it is scarcely possible to distinguish 

219 



220 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

the truth from the fiction with which it is enveloped. 
This is a grievance which I have more than once had to 
lament, in the course of my wearisome researches among 
the works of my fellow-historians, who have strangely 
disguised and distorted the facts respecting this country ; 
and particularly respecting the great province of New 
Netherlands ; as will be perceived by any who will take 
the trouble to compare their romantic effusions, tricked 
out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with this authen- 
tic history. 

I have had more vexations of the kind to encounter, in 
those parts of my history which treat of the transactions 
on the eastern border, than in any other, in consequence 
of the troops of historians who have infested these quar- 
ters, and have shown the honest people of Nieuw Neder- 
landts no mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. 
Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly declares, that " the Dutch 
were always mere intruders." Now, to this I shall make 
no other reply than to proceed in the steady narration 
of my history, which will contain not only proofs that the 
Dutch had clear title and possession in the fair valleys of 
the Connecticut, and that they were wrongfully dispos- 
sessed thereof, but likewise, that they have been scanda- 
lously maltreated ever since by the misrepresentations of 
the crafty historians of New England. And in this I 
shall be guided by a spirit of truth and impartiality, and 
a regard to immortal fame ; for I would not wittingly dis- 
honor my work by a single falsehood, misrepresentation, 



JACOBUS VAN CURLET. 221 

or prejudice, thougli it sliould gain our forefathers the 
whole country of New England. 

I have already noticed, in a former chapter of my his- 
tory, that the territories of the Nieuw Nederlandts ex- 
tended on the east, quite to the Varsche or fresh, or Con- 
necticut river. Here, at an early period, had been estab- 
lished a frontier post on the bank of the river, and called 
Fort Goed Hoop, not far from the site of the present fair 
city of Hartford. It was placed under the command of 
Jacobus Van Curlet, or Curlis, as some historians will 
have it, — a doughty soldier, of that stomachful class fa- 
mous for eating all they kill. He was long in the body 
and short in the limb, as though a tall man's body had 
been mounted on a little man's legs. He made up for 
this turnspit construction by striding to such an extent, 
that you would have sworn he had on the seven-leagued 
boots of Jack the Giant-killer ; and so high did he tread 
on parade, that his soldiers were sometimes alarmed lest 
he should trample himself under foot. 

But notwithstanding the erection of this fort and the 
appointment of this ugly little man of war as commander, 
the Yankees continued the interlopings hinted at in my 
last chapter, and at length had the audacity to squat them- 
selves down within the jurisdiction of Fort Goed Hoop. 

The long -bodied Van Curlet protested with great spirit 
against these unwarrantable encroachments, couching his 
protest in Low Dutch, by way of inspiring more terror, 
and forthwith dispatched a copy of the protest to the 



222 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

governor at New Amsterdam, together with a long and 
bitter account of the aggressions of the enemy. This 
done, he ordered his men, one and all, to be of good 
cheer, shut the gate of the fort, smoked three pipes, went 
to bed, and awaited the result with a resolute and in- 
trepid tranquillity, that greatly animated his adherents, 
and no doubt struck sore dismay and afiright into the 
hearts of the enemy. 

Now it came to pass, that about this time the renowned 
Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and honors, and coun- 
cil-dinners, had reached that period of life and faculty 
which, according to the great Gulliver, entitles a man to 
admission into the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He 
employed his time in smoking his Turkish pipe, amid an 
assemblage of sages, equally enlightened and nearly as 
venerable as himself, and who, for their silence, their 
gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious averseness to 
coming to any conclusion in business, are only to be 
equalled by certain profound corporations which I have 
known in my time. Upon reading the protest of the 
gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, therefore, his excellency fell 
straightway into one of the deepest doubts that ever he 
was known to encounter; his capacious head gradually 
drooped on his chest, he closed his eyes, and inclined 
his ear to one side, as if listening with great attention to 
the discussion that was going on in his belly, — and 
which all who knew him declared to be the huge court- 
house or council-chamber of his thoughts, forming to hia 



FOBT OOEB HOOP BESIEGED. 223 

head what the house of representatives does to the 
Senate. An inarticulate sound, very much resembling a 
snore, occasionally escaped liim ; but the nature of this 
internal cogitation was never known, as he never opened 
his lips on the subject to man, woman, or child. In the 
mean time, the protest of Van Curlet lay quietly on the 
table, where it served to light the pipes of the venerable 
sages assembled in council ; and in the great smoke 
which they raised, the gallant Jacobus, his protest, and 
his mighty Fort Goed Hoop were soon as completely 
beclouded and forgotten as is a question of emergency 
swallowed up in the speeches and resolutions of a mod- 
ern session of Congress. 

There are certain emergencies when your profound 
legislators and sage deliberative councils are mightily in 
the way of a nation, and when an ounce of hare-brained 
decision is worth a pound of sage doubt and cautious 
discussion. Such, at least, was the case at present ; for, 
while the renowned Wouter Van Twiller was daily bat- 
tling with his doubts, and his resolution growing weaker 
and weaker in the contest, the enemy pushed farther and 
farther into his territories, and assumed a most formida- 
ble appearance in the neighborhood of Fort Goed Hoop. 
Here they founded the mighty town of Pyquag, or, as it 
has since been called. Weather fif eld, a place which, if we 
may credit the assertions of that worthy historian, John 
Josselyn, Gent., " hath been infamous by reason of the 
witches therein." And so daring did these men of Pj- 



224 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

quag become, that they extended those plantations of 
onions, for which their town is illustrious, under the very 
noses of the garrison of Fort Goed Hoop, insomuch that 
the honest Dutchmen could not look toward that quarter 
without tears in their eyes. 

This crying injustice was regarded with proper indig- 
nation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. He absolutely 
trembled with the violence of his choler and the exacer- 
bations of his valor, which were the more turbulent in 
their workings from the length of the body in which they 
were agitated. He forthwith proceeded to strengthen his 
redoubts, heighten his breastworks, deepen his fosse, and 
fortify his position with a double row of abatis ; after 
which he dispatched a fresh courier with accounts of his 
perilous situation. 

The courier chosen to bear the dispatches was a fat, 
oily, little man, as being less liable to be worn out, or to 
lose leather on the journey ; and to insure his speed, he 
was mounted on the fleetest wagon-horse in the garrison, 
remarkable for length of limb, largeness of bone, and 
hardness of trot, and so tall, that the little messenger was 
obliged to climb on his back by means of his tail and 
crupper. Such extraordinary sj)eed did he make, that he 
arrived at Fort Amsterdam in a little less than a month, 
though the distance was full two hundred pipes, or about 
one hundred and twenty miles. 

With an appearance of great hurry and business, and 
smoking a short travelling-pipe, he proceeded on a long 



ARBIVAL OF THE DISPATCHES. 225 

swing-trot through the muddy lanes of the metropolis, 
demolishing whole batches of dirt-pies, which the little 
Dutch children were making in the road ; and for which 
kind of pastry the children of this city have ever been 
famous. On arriving at the governor's house, he climbed 
down from his steed, roused the grey-headed door-keeper, 
old Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant and faithful 
representative, the venerable crier of our court, was nod- 
ding at his post, rattled at the door of the council-cham- 
ber, and startled the members as they were dozing over a 
plan for establishing a public market. 

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep- 
drawn snore, was heard from the chair of the governor ; 
a whiflf of smoke was at the same instant observed to 
escape from his lips, and a light cloud to ascend from the 
bowl of his pipe. The council, of course, supposed him 
engaged in deep sleep, for the good of the community, 
and according to custom in all such cases established, 
every man bawled out silence, when, of a sudden, the 
door flew open, and the little courier straddled into the 
apartment, cased to the middle in a pair of Hessian boots, 
which he had got into for the sake of expedition. In his 
right hand he held forth the ominous dispatches, and 
with his left he grasped firmly the waistband of his galli- 
gaskins, which had unfortunately given way in the exer- 
tion of descending from his horse. He stumped reso- 
lutely up to the governor, and with more hurry than 
perspicuity delivered his message. But fortunately his ill 



226 HISTORY OF ITEW YORK. 

tidings came too late to ruffle the tranquillity of this most 
tranquil of rulers. His venerable excellency had just 
breathed and smoked his last, — his lungs and his pipe 
having been exhausted together, and his peaceful soul 
having escaped in the last whiff that curled from his 
tobacco-pipe. In a word, the renowned Walter the 
Doubter, who had so often slumbered with his contempo- 
raries, now slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus Kieft 
governed in his stead. 




BOOK IV. 

CONTAINING THE CHKONICLES OP THE KEIGN OF WILLIAM THE TESTE 



CHAPTER L 



SHOWING THE NATtJRE OF HISTORY IN GENERAL ; CONTAINING FARTHERMORE 
THE UMVEKSAL ACQUIREMENTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTV, AND HOW A MAN 
MAY LEARN SO MUCH AS TO RENDER HIMSELF GOOD FOR NOTHING. 




HEN the lofty Tbucydides is about to enter 
upon liis description of the plague that de- 
solated Athens, one of his modern commen- 
tators assures the reader, that the history is now going 
to be exceeding solemn, serious, and pathetic, and hints, 
witli that air of chuckling gratulation with which a good 
dame draws forth a choice morsel from a cupboard to 
regale a favorite, that this plague will give his history a 
most agreeable variety. 

227 



228 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

In like maimer did my heart leap within me, when I 
came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort Goed Hoop, which 
I at once perceived to be the forerunner of a series of 
great events and entertaining disasters. Such are the 
true subjects for the historic pen. For what is history, 
in fact, but a kind of Newgate calendar, a register of the 
crimes and miseries that man has inflicted on his fellow- 
man? It IS a huge libel on human nature, to which we 
industriously add page after page, volume after volume, 
as if we were building up a monument to the honor, 
rather than the infamy of our species. If we turn ovei 
the pages of these chronicles that man has written of 
himself, what are the characters dignified by the appella- 
tion of great, and held up to the admiration of posterity ? 
Tyrants, robbers, conquerors, renowned only for the mag- 
nitude of their misdeeds, and the stupendous wrongs and 
miseries they have inflicted on mankind, — warriors, who 
have hired themselves to the trade of blood, not from 
motives of virtuous patriotism, or to protect the injured 
and defenceless,' but merely to gain the vaunted glory of 
being adroit and successful in massacring their fellow- 
beings ! What are the great events that constitute a 
glorious era ?— The fall of empires ; the desolation of 
happy countries ; splendid cities smoking in their ruins ; 
the proudest works of art tumbled in the dust; the 
shrieks and groans of whole nations ascending unto 
heaven ! 

It is thus the historian may be said to thrive on the 



FROM CALM TO STORM. 229 

miseries of mankind, like birds of prey which hover over 
the field of battle to fatten on the mighty dead. It was 
observed by a great projector of inland lock-navigation, 
that rivers, lakes, and oceans were only formed to feed 
canals. In like manner I am tempted to believe that 
plots, conspiracies, wars, victories, and massacres are 
ordained by Providence only as food for the historian. 

It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, in 
studying the wonderful economy of nature, to trace the 
mutual dependencies of things, how they are created re- 
ciprocally for each other, and how the most noxious and 
apparently unnecessary animal has its uses. Thus those 
swarms of flies, which are so often execrated as useless 
vermin, are created for the sustenance of spiders; and 
spiders, on the other hand, are evidently made to devour 
flies. So those heroes, who have been such scourges to 
the world, were bounteously provided as themes for the 
poet and historian, while the poet and the. historian were 
destined to record the achievements of heroes ! 

These, and many similar reflections, naturally arose in 
my mind as I took up my pen to commence the roign of 
William Kieft : for now the stream of our history, which 
hitherto has rolled in a tranquil current, is about to de- 
part forever from its peaceful haunts, and brawl through 
many a turbulent and rugged scene. 

As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of a clover- 
field, dozing and chewing the cud, will bear repeated 
blows before it raises itself, so the province of Nieuw 



230 BISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

Nederlandts, having waxed fat under the drowsy reign of 
the Doubter, needed cuffs and kicks to rouse it into ac- 
tion. The reader will now witness the manner in which 
a peaceful community advances towards a state of war ; 
which is apt to be like the approach of a horse to a 
drum, with much prancing and little progress, and too 
often with the wrong end foremost. 

Wilhelmus Kieft, who in 1634 ascended the guberna- 
torial chair, (to borrow a favorite though clumsy appella- 
tion of modern phraseologists,) was of a lofty descent, his 
father being inspector of wind-mills in the ancient town 
of Saardam ; and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made 
very curious investigations into the nature and operation 
of these machines, which was one reason why he after- 
wards came to be so ingenious a governor. His name, 
according to the most authentic etymologists, was a cor- 
ruption of Kyver, that is to say, a wrangler or scolder, 
and expressed the characteristic of his family, which, for 
nearly two centuries, had kept the windy town of Saardam 
in hot water, and produced more tartars and brimstones 
than any ten families in the place ; and so truly did he 
inherit this family peculiarity, that he had not been a 
year in the government of the province, before he was 
universally denominated William the Testy. His ap- 
pearance answered to his name. He was a brisk, wiry, 
waspish little old gentleman ; such a one as may noAv and 
then be seen stumping about our city in a broad-skirted 
coat with huge buttons, a cocked hat stuck on the back 



WILLIAM THE TESTY. 231 

of his head, and a cane as liigh as liis cliin. His face 
was broad, but his features were sharp ; his cheeks were 
scorched into a dusky red by two fiery little gray eyes ; 
his nose turned up, and the corners of his mouth turned 
down, pretty much like the muzzle of an irritable pug- 
dog. 

I have heard it observed by a profound adept in hu- 
man physiology, that if a woman waxes fat with the prog- 
ress of years, her tenure of life is somewhat precarious, 
but if haply she withers as she grows old, she lives for- 
ever. Such promised to be the case with William the 
Testy, who grew tough in proportion as he dried. He 
had withered, in fact, not through the process of years, 
but through the tropical fervor of his soul, which burnt 
like a vehement rush-light in his bosom, inciting him to 
incessant broils and bickerings. Ancient traditions speak 
much of his learning, and of the gallant inroads he had 
made into the dead languages, in which he had made 
captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, and 
brought off rich booty in ancient saws and apothegms, 
which he was wont to parade in his public harangues, as 
a triumphant general of yore his sjoolia opima. Of meta- 
physics he knew enough to confound all hearers and him- 
self into the bargain. In logic, he knew the whole family 
of syllogisms and dilemmas, and was so proud of his skill 
that he never suffered even a self-evident fact to pass un- 
argued. It was observed, however, that he seldom got 
into an argument without getting into a perplexity, and 



232 mSTORT OF NEW YORK. 

tlien into a passion with his adversary for not being con- 
vinced gratis. 

He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on the frontiers 
of several of the sciences, was fond of experimental jDhi- 
losophy, and prided himself upon inventions of all kinds. 
His abode, which he had fixed at a Bowerie or country- 
seat at a short distance from the city, just at what is now 
called Dutch Street, soon abounded with proofs of his 
ingenuity : patent smoke-Jacks that required a horse to 
work them ; Dutch ovens that roasted meat without fire ; 
carts that went before the horses ; weather-cocks that 
turned against the wind ; and other wrong-headed contri- 
vances that astonished and confounded all beholders. 
The house, too, was beset with paralytic cats and dogs, 
the subjects of his experimental philosophy; and the 
yelling and yelping of the latter unhappy victims of 
science, while aiding in the pursuit of knowledge, soon 
gained for the place the name of "Dog's Misery," by 
which it continues to be known even at the present 
day. 

It is in knowledge as in swimming : he who flounders 
and splashes on the surface makes more noise, and at- 
tracts more attention, than the pearl-diver who quietly 
dives in quest of treasures to the bottom. The vast ac- 
quirements of the new governor were the theme of mar- 
vel among the simple burghers of New Amsterdam ; he 
figured about the place as learned a man as a Bonze at 
Pekin, who has mastered one half of the Chinese alpha- 



UNIVERSAL GENIUS. 233 

bet, and was unanimously pronounced a " universal ge- 
juus ! 

I have known in my time many a genius of this stamp ; 
but, to speak my mind freely, I never knew one who, for 
the ordinary purposes of life, was worth his weight in 
straw. In this respect, a little sound judgment and plain 
common sense is worth all the sparkling genius that ever 
wrote poetry or invented theories. Let us see how the 
universal acquirements of William the Testy aided him 
in the affairs of govermueut. 




CHAPTER II. 

HOW WILLIAM THE TESTY UNDERTOOK TO CONQUER BT PROCLAMATION — HOW 
HE WAS A GREAT MAN ABROAD, BUT A LITTLE MAN IN HIS OWN HOUSE. 

O sooner had this bustling little potentate been 
blown by a whiff of fortune into the seat of 
government than he called his council together 
to make them a sj3eech on the state of affairs. 

Caius Gracchus, it is said, when he harangued the Ro- 
man populace, modulated his tone by an oratorical flute 
or pitch-pipe ; Wilhelmus Kieft, not having such an in- 
strument at hand, availed himself of that musical organ 
or trump which nature has implanted in the midst of a 
man's face : in other words, he preluded his address by a 
sonorous blast of the nose, — a preliminary flourish much 
in vogue among public orators 

He then commenced by expressing his humble sense of 
his utter unworthiness of the high post to which he had 
been appointed ; which made some of the sim23le burghers 
wonder why he undertook it, not knowing that it is a 
point of etiquette with a public orator never to enter 
upon ofiice without declaring himself unworthy to cross 
the threshold. He then proceeded in a manner highly 

234 



WILLIAM THE TESTY '8 SPEECH. 235 

classic and erudite to speak of government generally, and 
of tlie governments of ancient Greece in particular, to- 
gether with the wars of Rome and Carthage, and the rise 
and fall of sundry outlandish empires which the worthy 
burghers had never read nor heard of. Having thus, 
after the manner of your learned orator, treated of things 
in general, he came, by a natural, roundabout transition, 
to the matter in hand, namely, the daring aggressions of 
the Yankees. 

As my readers are well aware of the advantage a po- 
tentate has of handling his enemies as he pleases in 
his speeches and bulletins, where he has the talk all 
on his own side, they may rest assured that William 
the Testy did not let such an opportunity escape of 
giving the Yankees what is called " a taste of his qua- 
lity." In speaking of their inroads into the territo- 
ries of their High Mightinesses, he compared them to 
the Gauls who desolated Rome, the Goths and Yan- 
dals who overran the fairest plains of Europe; but 
when he came to speak of the unparalleled audacity 
with which they of Weathersfield had advanced their 
patches up to the very walls of Fort Goed Hoop, and 
threatened to smother the garrison in onions, tears of 
rage started into his eyes, as though he nosed the very 
oflfence in question. 

Having thus wrought up liis tale to a climax, he as- 
sumed a most belligerent look, and assured the council 
that he had devised an instrument, potent in its effects, 



236 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

and wliicli he trusted would soon drive tlie Yankees from 
the land. So saying, he thrust his hand into one of the 
deep pockets of his broad-skirted coat and drew forth, not 
an infernal machine, but an instrument in writing, which 
he laid with great emphasis upon the table. 

The burghers gazed at it for a time in silent awe, as a 
wary housewife does at a gun, fearful it may go off half- 
cocked. The document in question had a sinister look, 
it is true ; it was crabbed in text, and from a broad red 
ribbon dangled the great seal of the province, about the 
size of a buckwheat pancake. Still, after all, it was but 
an instrument in writing. Herein, however, existed the 
wonder of the invention. The document in question was 
a Peociamation, ordering the Yankees to depart instantly 
from the territories of their High Mightinesses, under 
pain of suffering all the forfeitures and punishments in 
such case made and provided. In was on the moral effect 
of this formidable instrument that Wilhelmus Kieft cal- 
culated, pledging his valor as a governor that, once fulmi- 
nated against the Yankees, it would, in less than two 
months, drive every mother's son of them across the 
borders. 

The council broke up in perfect wonder ; and nothing 
was talked of for some time among the old men and 
women of New Amsterdam but the vast genius of the 
governor, and his new and cheap mode of fighting by pro- 
clamation. 

As to Wilhelmus Kieft, having dispatched his procla- 



PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT. 237 

mation to the frontiers, lie put on liis cocked hat and 
corduroy small-clothes, and mounting a tall raw-boned 
charger, trotted out to his rural retreat of Dog's Misery. 
Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of 
state, taking lessons in government, not from the nymph 
Egeria, but from the honored wife of his bosom ; who 
was one of that class of females sent upon the earth a 
little after the flood, as a punishment for the sins of man- 
kind, and commonly known by the appellation of hnowing 
tvomen. In fact, my duty as an historian obliges me to 
make known a circumstance which was a great secret at 
the time, and consequently was not a subject of scandal 
at more than half the tea-tables in New Amsterdam, but 
which, like many other great secrets, has leaked out in 
the lapse of years, — and this was, that Wilhelmus the 
Testy, though one of the most potent little men that ever 
breathed, yet submitted at home to a species of govern- 
ment, neither laid down in Aristotle nor Plato, in short, 
it partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and 
is familiarly denominated ^ife'coa^ government; — an abso- 
lute sway, which, although exceedingly common in these 
modern days, was very rare among the ancients, if we 
may judge from the rout made about the domestic econ- 
omy of honest Socrates ; which is the only ancient case 
on record. 

The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers and 
sarcasms of his particular friends, who are ever ready to 
joke with a man on sore points of the kind, by alleging 



238 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

that it was a government of his own election, to which 
he submitted through choice, adding at the same time 
a profound maxim which he had found in an ancient 
author, that "he who would aspire to govern, should first 
learn to obey" 



CHAPTEE ni. 



IN -n^ICH ARE RECORDED THE SAGE PROJECTS OF A RULER OF TTNIVERSAIi 
GENIUS — THE ART OF FIGHTING BT PROCLAMATION — AND HOW THAT THE 
VALIANT JACOBUS VAN CURLET CAME TO BE FOULLY DISHONORED AT FORT 
GOED HOOP. 



EVEE was a more compreliensive, a more ex- 
peditious, or, what is still better, a more eco- 
nomical measure devised, than this of defeating 
the Yankees by proclamation, — an expedient, likewise, so 
gentle and humane, there were ten chances to one in 
favor of its succeeding ; but then there was one chance to 
ten that it would not succeed, — as the ill-natured fates 
would have it, that single chance carried the day ! The 
proclamation was perfect in all its parts, well constructed, 
well written, well sealed, and well published; all that 
was wanting to insure its effect was, that the Yankees 
should stand in awe of it ; but, provoking to relate, they 
treated it with the most absolute contempt, applied it to 
an unseemly purpose; and thus did the first warlike 
proclamation come to a shameful end, — a fate which I 
am credibly informed has befallen but too many of its 
successors. 

So far from abandoning the country, those varlets con- 

239 



240 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

tinued their encroachments, squatting along the green 
banks of the Varsche river, and founding Hartford, Stam- 
ford, New Haven, and other border-towns. I have already 
shown how the onion patches of Pyquag were an eye-sore 
to Jacobus Van Curlet and his garrison ; but now these 
moss-troopers increased in their atrocities, kidnapping 
hogs, impounding horses, and sometimes grievously rib- 
roasting their owners. Our worthy forefathers could 
scarcely stir abroad without danger of being out-jockeyed 
in horse-flesh, or taken in in bargaining; while, in their 
absence, some daring Yankee peddler would penetrate to 
their household, and nearly ruin the good housewives 
with tin ware and wooden bowls. * 

I am well aware of the perils which environ me in this 
part of my history. While raking with curious hand but 

* The following cases in point appear in Hazard's Collection of State 
Papers. 

" In the meantime, they of Hartford have not onely usurped and taken 
in the lands of Connecticott, although unrighteously and against the 
lawes of nations but have hindered our nation in sowing theire own pur- 
chased broken up lands, but have also sowed them with corne in the 
night, which the Nederlanders had broken up and intended to sowe : and 
have beaten the servants of the high and mighty the honored companie, 
which were laboring upon theire master's lands, from theire lands, with 
sticks and plow staves in hostile manner laming, and among the rest, 
struck Ever Duckings [Evert Duyckink] a hole in his head, with a stick, 
so that the bloode ran downe very strongly downe upon his body." 

" Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the honored com- 
panie, under pretence that it had eaten of theire grounde grass, when 
they had not any foot of inheritance. They proffered the hogg for 5s. if 
the commissioners would have given 5s. for damage ; which the commis^ 
sioners denied, because noe man's own hogg (as men used to say) can 
trespass upon his owne master's grounde." 



THE YANKEES' ENCROACHMENTS. 241 

pious heart, among the mouldering remains of former 
days, anxious to draw therefrom the honey of wisdom, I 
may fare somewhat like that valiant worthy, Samson, who, 
in meddling with the carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm 
of bees about his ears. Thus, while narrating the many 
misdeeds of the Yanokie or Yankee race, it is ten chances 
to one but I offend the morbid sensibilities of certain of 
their unreasonable descendants, who may fly out and raise 
such a buzzing about this unlucky head of mine, that I 
shall need the tough hide of an Achilles, or an Orlando 
Furioso, to protect me from their stings. 

Should such be the case, I should deeply and sincerely 
lament, — not my misfortune in giving offence, but the 
wrong-headed perverseness of an ill-natured generation, 
in taking offence at anything I say. That their ancestors 
did use my ancestors ill is true, and I am very sorry for 
it. I would, with all my heart, the fact were otherwise ; 
but as I am recording the sacred events of history, I'd 
not bate one nail's breadth of the honest truth, though I 
were sure the whole edition of my work would be bought 
up and burnt by the common hangman of Connecticut. 
And in sooth, now that these testy gentlemen have drawn 
me out, I will make bold to go farther, and observe that 
this is one of the grand purposes for which we impartial 
historians are sent into the world, — to redress wrongs 
and render justice on the heads of the guilty. So that, 
though a powerful nation may wrong its neighbors with 
temporary impunity, yet sooner or later an historian 
16 



242 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

springs up, wlio wreaks ample chastisement on it in 
return. 

Thus these moss-troopers of the east little thought, 
I'll warrant it, while they were harassing the inoffensive 
province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and driving its unhappy 
governor to his wit's end, that an historian would ever 
arise, and give them their own, with interest. Since, 
then, I am but performing my bounden duty as an his- 
torian, in avenging the wrongs of our revered ancestors, 
I shall make no further apology ; and, indeed, when it is 
considered that I have all these ancient borderers of the 
east in my power, and at the mercy of my pen, I trust 
that it will be admitted I conduct myself with great hu- 
manity and moderation. 

It was long before William the Testy could be per- 
suaded that his much-vaunted war-measure was ineffect- 
ual ; on the contrary, he flew in a passion whenever it 
was doubted, swearing that, though slow in operation, 
yet when it once began to work, it would soon purge the 
land of these invaders. When convinced, at length, of 
the truth, like a shrewd physician he attributed the 
failure to the quantity, not the quality of the medi- 
cine, and resolved to double the dose. He fulminated, 
therefore, a second proclamation, more vehement than 
the first, forbidding all intercourse with these Yankee 
intruders, ordering the Dutch burghers on the frontiers 
to buy none of their pacing horses, measly pork, apple- 
sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, or wooden bowls, and 



THE LAST OF THE FORTRESS. 243 

to furnish them with no supplies of gin, gingerbread, 
or sourkrout. 

Another interval elapsed, during which the last procla- 
mation was as little regarded as the first ; and the non- 
intercourse was especially set at naught by the young 
folks of both sexes, if we may judge by the active bun- 
dling which took place along the borders. 

At length, one day the inhabitants of New Amsterdam 
were aroused by a furious barking of dogs, great and 
small, and beheld, to their surprise, the whole garrison 
of Fort Goed Hoop straggling into town all tattered and 
wayworn, with Jacobus Van Curlet at their head, bring- 
ing the melancholy intelligence of the capture of Fort 
Goed Hoop by the Yankees. 

The fate of this important fortress is an impressive 
warning to all military commanders. It was neither car- 
ried by storm nor famine ; nor was it undermined ; nor 
bombarded ; nor set on fire by red-hot shot ; but was 
taken by a stratagem no less singular than effectual, and 
which can never fail of success, whenever an opportunity 
occurs of putting it in practice. 

It seems that the Yankees had received intelligence 
that the garrison of Jacobus Van Curlet had been re- 
duced nearly one eighth by the death of two of his most 
corpulent soldiers, who had overeaten themselves on fat 
salmon caught in the Varsche river. A secret expedition 
was immediately set on foot to surprise the fortress. 
The crafty enemy, knowing the habits of the garrison to 



244 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

sleep soundly after they had eaten their dinners and 
smoked their pipes, stole upon them at the noontide of 
a sultry summer's day, and surprised them in the midst 
of their slumbers. 

In an instant the flag of their High Mightinesses was 
lowered, and the Yankee standard elevated in its stead, 
being a dried codfish, by way of a spread eagle. A strong 
garrison was appointed, of long-sided, hard-fisted Yan- 
kees, with Weathersfield onions for cockades and feath- 
ers. As to Jacobus Van Curlet and his men, they were 
seized by the nape of the neck, conducted to the gate, and 
one by one dismissed by a kick in the crupper, as Charles 
XII. dismissed the heavy-bottomed Eussians at the battle 
of Narva ; Jacobus Van Curlet receiving two kicks in con- 
sideration of his official dignity. 



CHAPTER IV. 



CONTAINING THE FEARFUL WRATH OF WILLIAM THE TESTT, AND THE ALARM 
OF NEW AMSTERDAM — HOW THE GOVERNOR DID STRONGLY FORTIFY THE 
CITY — OF THE RISE OF ANTONY THE TRUMPETER, AND THE W'NDY ADDI- 
TION TO THE ARMORIAL BEARINGS OF NEW AMSTERDAM. 



ANGUAGE cannot express the awful ire of 
William the Testy on hearing of the catastro- 
2)he at Fort Goed Hoop. For three good hours 
his rage was too great for words, or rather the words 
were too great for him, (being a very small man,) and he 
was nearly choked by the misshapen, nine-cornered 
Dutch oaths and epithets which crowded at once into his 
gullet. At length his words found vent, and for three 
days he kept up a constant discharge, anathematizing the 
Yankees, man, woman, and child, for a set of dieven, 
schobbejacken, deugenieten, twistzoekeren, blaes-kaken, 
loosen-schalken, kakken-bedden, and a thousand other 
names, of which, unfortunately for posterity, history does 
not make mention. Finally, he swore that he would have 
nothing more to do with such a squatting, bundling, 
guessing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin-eating, molas- 
ses-daubing, shingle-splitting, cider-watering, horse-jock- 
eying, notion-peddling crew ; that they might stay at Fort 

245 



246 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Goed Hoop and rot, before he would dirty his hands by 
attempting to drive them away : in proof of which he 
ordered the new-raised troops to be marched forthwith 
into winter-quarters, although it was not as yet quite 
midsummer. Great despondency now fell upon the city 
of New Amsterdam. It was feared that the conquerors of 
Fort Goed Hoop, flushed with victory and apple-brandy, 
might march on to the capital, take it by storm, and an- 
nex the whole province to Connecticut. The name of 
Yankee became as terrible among the Nieuw Nederland- 
ers as was that of Gaul among the ancient Komans ; inso- 
much that the good wives of the Manhattoes used it as a 
bugbear wherewith to frighten their unruly children. 

Everybody clamored around the governor, imploring 
him to put the city in a complete posture of defence ; and 
he listened to their clamors. Nobody could accuse Wil- 
liam the Testy of being idle in time of danger, or at any 
other time. He was never idle, but then he was often busy 
to very little purpose. When a youngling, he had been 
impressed with the words of Solomon, " Go to the ant, 
thou sluggard, observe her ways and be wise ; " in con- 
formity to which he had ever been of a restless, ant-like 
turn, hurrying hither and thither, nobody knew why or 
wherefore, busying himself about small matters with an 
air of great importance and anxiety, and toiling at a grain 
of mustard-seed in the full conviction that he was moving 
a mountain. In the present instance, he called in all his 
inventive powers to his aid, and was continually ponder- 



ANTONY VAN COBLEAB. 247 

ing over plans, making diagrams, and worrying about 
with a troop of workmen and projectors at his heels. At 
length, after a world of consultation and contrivance, his 
plans of defence ended in rearing a great flag-staff in the 
centre of the fort, and perching a wind-mill on each bas- 
tion. 

These warlike preparations in some measure allayed 
the public alarm, especially after an additional means of 
securing the safety of the city had been suggested by the 
governor's lady. It has already been hinted in this most 
authentic history, that in the domestic establishment of 
William the Testy "the gray mare was the better horse " ; 
in other words, that his wife " ruled the roast," and in 
governing the governor, governed the province, which 
might thus be said to be under petticoat government. 

Now it came to pass, that about this time there lived in 
the Manhattoes a jolly, robustious trumpeter, named An- 
tony Van Corlear, famous for his long wind ; and who, as 
the story goes, could twang so potently upon his instru- 
ment, that the effect upon all within hearing was like 
that ascribed to the Scotch bagpipe when it sings right 
lustily i' the nose. 

This sounder of brass was moreover a lusty bachelor, 
with a pleasant, burly visage, a long nose, and huge 
whiskers. He had his little howeyne, or retreat, in the 
country, where he led a roistering life, giving dances to 
the wives and daughters of the burghers of the Manhat- 
toes, insomuch that he became a prodigious favorite with 



248 EI8T0BT OF NEW TORE. 

all the women, young and old. He is said to have been 
the first to collect that famous toll levied on the fair sex 
at Kissing Bridge, on the highway to Hellgate.* 

To this sturdy bachelor the eyes of all the women were 
turned in this time of darkness and peril, as the very 
man to second and carry out the plans of defence of the 
governor. A kind of petticoat council was forthwith held 
at the government house, at which the governor's lady 
presided; and this lady, as has been hinted, being all 
potent with the governor, the result of these councils was 
the elevation of Antony the Trumpeter to the post of 
commandant of wind-mills and champion of New Am- 
sterdam. 

The city being thus fortified and garrisoned, it would 
have done one's heart good to see the governor snapping 
his fingers and fidgeting with delight, as the trumpeter 
strutted up and down the ramparts, twanging defiance to 
the whole Yankee race, as does a modern editor to all the 
principalities and powers on the other side of the Atlan- 
tic. In the hands of Antony Van Corlear this windy in- 
strument appeared to him as potent as the horn of the 
paladin Astolpho, or even the more classic horn of Alec- 
to ; nay, he had almost the temerity to comj^are it with 
the rams' horns celebrated in holy writ, at the very sound 
of which the walls of Jericho fell down. 

* The bridge here mentioned by Mr. Knickerbocker still exists ; but it 
is said that the toll is seldom collected nowadays, excepting on sleighing- 
parties, by the descendants of the patriarchs, who still preserve the tra- 
ditions of the city. 



PROPHETIC ESOUTGHEON. 249 

Be all this as it may, the apprehensions of hostilities 
from the east gradually died away. The Yankees made 
no further invasion; nay, they declared they had only 
taken jDossession of Fort Goed Hoop as being erected 
within their territories. So far from manifesting hostil- 
ity, they continued to throng to New Amsterdam with 
the most innocent countenances imaginable, filling the 
market with their notions, being as ready to trade with 
the Nederlanders as ever, and not a whit more prone to 
get to the windward of them in a bargain. 

The old wives of the Manhattoes, who took tea with 
the governor's lady, attributed all this affected modera- 
tion to the awe inspired by the military preparations of 
the governor, and the windy prowess of Antony the 
Trumpeter. 

There were not wanting illiberal minds, however, who 
sneered at the governor for thinking to defend his city as 
he governed it, by mere wind ; but William Kieft was not 
to be jeered out of his wind-mills: he had seen them 
perched upon the ramparts of his native city of Saardam, 
and was persuaded they were connected with the great 
science of defence ; nay, so much piqued was he by hav- 
ing them made a matter of ridicule, that he introduced 
them into the arms of the city, where they remain to this 
day, quartered with the ancient beaver of the Manhat- 
toes, an emblem and memento of his policy. 

I must not omit to mention that certain wise old 
burghers of the Manhattoes, skilful in expounding signs 



250 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

and mysteries, after events have come to pass, consider 
this early intrusion of the wind-mill into the escutcheon 
of our city, which before had been wholly occupied by 
the beaver, as portentous of its after fortune, when the 
quiet Dutchman would be elbowed aside by the enterpris- 
ing Yankee, and patient industry overtopped by windy 
speculatioiu 




CHAPTEK V. 

OF THE JUKISPRUDENCE OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, AND HIS ADMIRABLE EX- 
PEDIENTS FOR THE SUPPRESSION OF FOVEETV. 

MONG the wrecks and fragments of exalted 
wisdom, wliicli have floated down the stream 
of time from venerable antiquity, and been 
picked up by those humble but industrious wights who 
ply along the shores of literature, we find a shrewd ordi- 
nance of Charondas the Locrian legislator. Anxious to 
preserve the judicial code of the State from the additions 
and amendments of country members and seekers of 
popularity, he ordained that, whoever proposed a new 
law should do it with a halter about his neck ; whereby, 
in case his proposition were rejected, they just hung him 
up — and there the matter ended. 

The effect was, that for more tlian two hundred years 
there was but one trifling alteration in the judicial code ; 
and legal matters were so clear and simple that the whole 
race of lawyers starved to death for want of employment. 
The Locrians, too, being freed from all incitement to liti- 
gation, lived very lovingly together, and were so happy a 
people that they make scarce any figure in history ; it 

251 



252 EISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

"being only your litigious, quarrelsome, rantipole nacions 
who make much noise in the world. 

I have been reminded of these historical facts in com- 
ing to treat of the internal policy of William the Testy. 
Well would it have been for him had he in the course of 
his universal acquirements stumbled upon the precaution 
of the good Charondas, or had he looked nearer home at 
the protectorate of Oloife the Dreamer, when the com- 
munity was governed without laws. Such legislation, 
however, was not suited to the busy, meddling mind of 
William the Testy. On the contrary, he conceived that 
the true wisdom of legislation consisted in the multi- 
plicity of laws. He accordingly had great punishments 
for great crimes, and little punishments for little offences. 
By degrees the whole surface of society was cut up by 
ditches and fences, and quickset hedges of the law, and 
even the sequestered paths of private life so beset by 
petty rules and ordinances, too numerous to be remem- 
bered, that one could scarce walk at large without the 
risk of letting off a spring-gun or falling into a man-trap. 

In a little while the blessings of innumerable laws 
became apparent ; a class of men arose to expound and 
confound them. Petty courts were instituted to take cog- 
nizance of petty offences, pettifoggers began to abound ; 
and the community was soon set together by the ears. 

Let me not be thought as intending anything deroga- 
tory to the profession of the law, or to the distinguished 
members of that illustrious order. Well am I aware that 



INTERNAL POLICY. 253 

we have in this ancient city innumerable worthy gentle- 
men, the knights-errant of modern days, who go about 
redressing wrongs and defending the defenceless, not for 
the love of filthy lucre, nor the selfish cravings of renown, 
but merely for the pleasure of doing good. Sooner would 
I throw this trusty pen into the flames, and cork up my 
ink-bottle forever, than infringe even for a nail's breadth 
upon the dignity of these truly benevolent chamjjions of 
the distressed. On the contrary, I allude merely to those 
caitiff scouts who, in these latter days of evil, infest the 
skirts of the profession, as did the recreant Cornish 
knights of yore the honorable order of chivalry, — who, 
under its auspices, commit flagrant wrongs, — who thrive 
by quibbles, by quirks and chicanery, and like vermin 
increase the corruption in w^hich they are engendered. 

Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions as 
the facility of gratification. The courts of law would 
never be so crowded with petty, vexatious, and disgrace- 
ful suits, were it not for the herds of pettifoggers. These 
tamper with the passions of the poorer and more igno- 
rant classes, who, as if poverty were not a sufiicient 
misery in itself, are ever ready to imbitter it by litiga- 
tion. These, like quacks in medicine, excite the malady 
to profit by the cure, and retard the cure to augment the 
fees. As the quack exhausts the constitution, the petti- 
fogger exhausts the purse ; and as he who has once been 
under the hands of a quack is forever after prone to 
dabble in drugs, and poison himself with infallible pre- 



254 EI8T0BY OF WEW TORE. 

scriptions, so the client of the pettifogger is ever after 
prone to embroil himself with his neighbors, and im- 
poverish himself with successful lawsuits. My readers 
will excuse this digression into which I have been un- 
warily betrayed ; but I could not avoid giving a cool and 
unprejudiced account of an abomination too prevalent in. 
this excellent city, and with the effects of which I am 
ruefully acquainted : having been nearly ruined by a law- 
suit which was decided against me ; and my ruin having 
been completed by another, which was decided in my 
favor. 

To return to our theme. There was nothing in the 
whole range of moral offences against which the juris- 
prudence of William the Testy was more strenuously di- 
rected than the crying sin of poverty. He pronounced it 
the root of all evil, and determined to cut it up, root and 
branch, and extirpate it from the land. He had been 
struck, in the course of his travels in the old countries of 
Europe, with the wisdom of those notices posted up in 
country towns, that "any vagrant found begging there 
would be put in the stocks," and he had observed that no 
beggars were to be seen in these neighborhoods ; having 
doubtless thrown off their rag and their poverty, and be- 
come rich under the terror of the law. He determined to 
improve upon this hint. In a little while a new machine, 
of his own invention, was erected hard by Dog's Misery. 
This was nothing more nor less than a gibbet, of a very 
strange, uncouth, and unmatchable construction, far more 



OVER LEGISLATION 255 

efficacious, as he boasted, than the stocks, for the punish- 
ment of poverty. It was for altitude not a whit inferior 
to that of Haman so renowned in Bible history ; but the 
marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of 
being suspended by the neck, according to venerable cus- 
tom, was hoisted by the waistband, and kept dangling 
and sprawling betw^een heaven and earth for an hour or 
two at a time — to the infinite entertainment and edifica- 
tion of the respectable citizens who usually attend exhi- 
bitions of the kind. 

It is incredible how the little governor chuckled at be- 
holding caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars thus swinging 
by the crupper, and cutting antic gambols in the air. He 
had a thousand pleasantries and mirthful conceits to 
utter upon these occasions. He called them his dandle- 
lions — his wild-fowl — his high-fliers — his spread-eagles — 
his goshawks — his scare-crows — and finally, his gaUotvs- 
bii'ds ; which ingenious appellation, though originally 
confined to worthies who had taken the air in this strange 
manner, has since grown to be a cant name given to all can- 
didates for legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, 
if we may credit the assertions of certain grave etymolo- 
gists, gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or strap- 
ping, by which our forefathers braced up their multifari- 
ous breeches, and which has of late years been revived, 
and continues to be worn at the present day. 

Such was the punishment of all petty delinquents, va- 
grants and beggars and others detected in being guilty of 



256 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

poverty in a small way ; as to those who had offended on 
a great scale, who had been guilty of flagrant misfortunes 
and enormous backslidings of the purse, and who stood 
convicted of large debts, which they were unable to pay, 
William Kieft had them straightway inclosed within the 
stone walls of a prison, there to remain until they should 
reform and grow rich. This notable expedient, however, 
does not appear to have been more efficacious under "Wil- 
liam the Testy than in more modern days : it being found 
that the longer a poor devil was kept in prison the poorer 
he grew. 




CHAPTER YT. 

PROJECTS OP WILLIAM THE TESTT FOR INCREASING THE CURRENCT — HE IS 
OUTWITTED BY TUE YANKEES — THE GREAT OYSTER WAR. 

EXT to liis projects for the suppression of pov- 
erty may be classed those of William the Testy, 
for increasing the- wealth of New Amsterdam. 
Solomon, of whose character for wisdom the little gover- 
nor was somewhat emulous, had made gold and silver as 
plenty as the stones in the streets of Jerusalem. William 
Kieft could not pretend to vie with him as to the pre- 
cious metals, but he determined, as an equivalent, to flood 
the streets of New Amsterdam with Indian money. This 
was nothing more nor less than strings of beads wrought 
of clams, periwinkles, and other shell-fish, and called 
seawant or wampum. These had formed a native cur- 
rency among the simple savages, who were content to 
take them of the Dutchmen in exchange for peltries. In 
an unlucky moment, William the Testy, seeing this money 
of easy production, conceived the project of making it the 
current coin of the province. It is true it had an intrin- 
sic value among the Indians, who used it to ornament their 
robes and moccasons, but among the honest burghers it 
had no more intrinsic value than those rags which form 

17 257 



258 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the paper currency of modern days. This consideration, 
however, had no weight with "William Kieft. He began 
by paying all the servants of the company, and all the 
debts of government, in strings of wampum. He sent 
emissaries to sweep the shores of Long Island, which 
was the Ophir of this modern Solomon, and abounded in 
shell-fish. These were transported in load-s to New Am- 
sterdam, coined into Indian money, and launched into 
circulation. 

And now, for a time, affairs went on swimmingly ; 
money became as plentiful as in the modern days of 
paper currency, and, to use the popular phrase, " a won- 
derful impulse was given to public prosperity." Yankee 
traders poured into the province, buying everything they 
could lay their hands on, and paying the worthy Dutch- 
men their own price — in Indian money. If the latter, 
however, attempted to pay the Yankees in the same coin 
for their tin ware and wooden bowls, the case was al- 
tered ; nothing would do but Dutch guilders and such 
like "metallic currency." What was worse, the Yankees 
introduced an inferior kind of wampum made of oyster- 
shells, with which they deluged the province, carrying off 
in exchange all the silver and gold, the Dutch herrings, 
and Dutch cheeses : thus early did the knowing men of the 
east manifest their skill in bargaining the New Amster- 
dammers out of the oyster, and leaving them the shell.* 

* In a manuscript record of the province, dated 1659, Library of the 
New York Historical Society, is the following mention of Indian money : 



NEW COINAGE. 259 

It ^as a long time before William the Testy was made 
sensible how completely his grand project of finance was 
turned against him by his eastern neighbors ; nor would 
he probably have ever found it out, had not tidings been 
brought him that the Yankees had made a descent upon 
Long Island, and had established a kind of mint at Oyster 
Bay, where they were coining up all the oyster-banks. 

Now this was making a vital attack upon the province 
in a double sense, financial and gastronomical. Ever since 
the council-dinner of Oloffe the Dreamer at the founding 
of New Amsterdam, at which banquet the oyster figured 
so conspicuously, this divine shell-fish has been held in a 
kind of superstitious reverence at the Manhattoes; as 
witness the temples erected to its cult in every street and 
lane and alley. In fact, it is the standard luxury of the 
place, as is the terrapin at Philadelphia, the soft crab at 
Baltimore, or the canvas-back at "Washington. 

The seizure of Oyster Bay, therefore, was an outrage 
not merely on the pockets, but the larders of the New 

" Seawant Rlias wam])um. Beads manufactured from the Quahaug or 
vnlk: a shell-fish formerly abounding on our coasts, but lately of more 
rare occurrence, of two colors, black and white ; the former twice the 
value of the latter. Six beads of the white and three of the black for an 
English penny. The seawant depreciates from time to time. The New- 
England people make use of it as a means of barter, not only to carry away 
the best cargoes which we send thither, but to accumulate a large quantity 
of beavers and other furs; by which the company is defrauded of her rev- 
enues, and the merchants disappointed in making returns with that speed 
with wliich they might wish to meet their engagements ; wliilc their com- 
missioners and the inhabitants remain overstocked with seawant, — a sort 
of currency of no value except with the New Netherland savages, &c." 



260 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

Amsterdammers ; tlie whole community was aroused, and 
an oyster crusade was immediately set on foot against 
the Yankees. Every stout trencherman hastened to the 
standard ; nay, some of the most corjjulent Burgomasters 
and Schepens joined the expedition as a corps de reserve^ 
only to be called into action when the sacking commenced. 

The conduct of the expedition was intrusted to a 
valiant Dutchman, who for size and weight might have 
matched with Colbrand the Danish champion, slain by 
Guy of Warwick. He was famous throughout the prov- 
ince for strength of arm and skill at quarter-staff, and 
hence was named Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or rather Brinker- 
hoofd, that is to say Stoffel the head-breaker. 

This sturdy commander, who was a man of few words 
but vigorous deeds, led his trooj)s resolutely on through 
Nineveh, and Babylon, and Jericho, and Patch-hog, and 
other Long Island towns, without encountering any diffi- 
culty of note ; though it is said that some of the burgo- 
masters gave out at Hardscramble Hill and Hungry Hol- 
low, and that others lost heart and turned back at Puss- 
panick. With the rest he made good his march until he 
arrived in the neighborhood of Oyster Bay. 

Here he was encountered by a host of Yankee war- 
riors, headed by Preserved Fish, and Habakkuk Nutter, 
and Keturn Strong, and Zerubbabel Fisk, and Deter- 
mined Cock ! at the sound of whose names Stoffel Brin- 
kerhoff verily believed the whole parliament of Praise- 
God Barebones had been let loose upon him. He soon 



8T0FFEL BRINKEBHOFy. 261 

found, however, that they were merely the " selectmen " 
of the settlement, armed with no weapon but the tongue, 
and disposed only to meet him on the field of argument. 
Stoffel had but one mode of arguing, that waSj with the 
cudgel ; but he used it with such effect that he routed his 
antagonists, broke up the settlement, and would have 
driven the inhabitants into the sea if they had not man- 
aged to escape across the Sound to the mainland by the 
Devil's stepping-stones, which remain to this day monu- 
ments of this great Dutch victory over the Yankees. 

Stoffel Brinkerhoff made great spoil of oysters and 
clams, coined and uncoined, and then set out on his re- 
turn to the Manhattoes. A grand triumph, after the 
manner of the ancients, was prepared for him by William 
the Testy. He entered new Amsterdam as a conqueror, 
mounted on a Narraganset pacer. Five dried codfish on 
poles, standards taken from the enemy, were borne be- 
fore him, and an immense store of oysters and clams, 
Weathersfield onions, and Yankee " notions " formed the 
spolia opima ; while several coiners of oyster-shells were 
led captive to grace the hero's triumph. 

The jDrocession was accompanied by a full band of 
boys and negroes, performing on the popular instruments 
of rattle-bones and clam-shells, while Antony Van Cor- 
lear sounded his trumpet from the ramparts. 

A gi'eat banquet was served up in the stadt-house from 
the clams and oysters taken from the enemy ; while the 
governor sent the shells privately to the mint, and had 



262 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

them coined into Indian money, with which he paid his 
troops. 

It is moreover said that the governor, calling to mind 
the practice among the ancients to honor their victori- 
ous general with public statues, passed a magnanimous 
decree, by which every tavern-keeper was permitted to 
paint the head of Stoffel Brinkerhoff upon his signl 




CHAPTEK Vn. 

GROWING DISCONTENTS OF NEW AMSTERDAM UNDEE THE GOVERNMENT OF WTL* 
LIAM THE TESTT. 

T has been remarked by the observant writer of 
the Stuyvesant manuscript, that under the ad- 
ministration of William Kieft the disposition of 
the inhabitants of New Amsterdam experienced an es- 
sential change, so that they became very meddlesome 
and factious. The unfortunate propensity of the little 
governor to experiment and innovation, and the frequent 
exacerbations of his temper, kept his council in a con- 
tinual worry ; and the council being to the people at large 
what yeast or leaven is to a batch, they threw the whole 
community in a ferment ; and the people at large being 
to the city what the mind is to the body, the unhappy 
commotions they underwent operated most disastrously 
upon New Amsterdam, — insomuch that, in certain of their 
paroxysms of consternation and perplexity, they begat 
several of the most crooked, distorted, and abominable 
streets, lanes, and alleys, with which this metropolis is 
disfigured. 

The fact was, that about this time the community, like 

263 



264 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

Balaam's ass, began to grow more enlightened than its 
rider, and to show a disposition for what is called " self- 
government." This restive propensity was first evinced 
in certain popular meetings, in which the burghers of 
New Amsterdam met to talk and smoke over the compli- 
cated affairs of the province, gradually obfuscating them- 
selves with politics and tobacco-smoke. Hither resorted 
those idlers and squires of low degree who hang loose on 
society and are blown about by every wind of doctrine. 
Cobblers abandoned their stalls to give lessons on politi- 
cal economy; blacksmiths suffered their fires to go out 
while they stirred up the fires of faction; and even 
tailors, though said to be the ninth parts of humanity, 
neglected their own measures to criticize the measures of 
government. 

Strange ! that the science of government, which seems 
to be so generally understood, should invariably be de- 
nied to the only one called upon to exercise it. Not one 
of the politicians in question, but, take his word for it, 
could have administered afiairs ten times better than 
"William the Testy. 

Under the instructions of these political oracles the 
good people of New Amsterdam soon became exceedingly 
enlightened, and, as a matter of course, exceedingly dis- 
contented. They gradually found out the fearful error in 
which they had indulged, of thinking themselves the hap- 
piest people in creation, and were convinced that, all cir- 
cumstances to the contrary notwithstanding, they were 



POLITICAL AGITATIONS. 265 

a very unhappy, deluded, and consequently ruined peo- 
ple ! 

We are naturally prone to discontent, and avaricious 
after imaginary causes of lamentation. Like lubberly 
monks we belabor our own shoulders, and take a vast 
satisfaction in the music of our t)wn groans. Nor is this 
said by way of paradox ; daily experience shows the truth 
of these observations. It is almost impossible to elevate 
the spirits of a man groaning under ideal calamities ; but 
nothing is easier than to render him wretched, though on 
the pinnacle of felicity ; as it would be an Herculean task 
to hoist a man to the top of a steeple, though the merest 
child could topple him off thence. 

I must not omit to mention that these popular meet- 
ings were generally held at some noted tavern, these pub- 
lic edifices possessing what in modern times are thought 
the true fountains of political inspiration. The ancient 
Greeks deliberated upon a matter when drunk, and re- 
considered it when sober. Mob-politicians in modern 
times dislike to have two minds upon a subject, so they 
both deliberate and act when drunk; by this means a 
world of delay is spared ; and as it is universally allowed 
that a man when drunk sees double, it follows conclu- 
sively that he sees twice as well as his sober neighbors. 



CHAPTER Vm. 



OP THE EDICT OF WILLIAM TUE TESTY AGAINST TOBACCO — OF THE PIPE-PLOT, 
AND THE RISE OF FEUD3 AND PARTIES. 



ppOjHELMUS KIEFT, as has already been ob- 
served, was a great legislator on a small scale, 
and bad a microscopic eye in public affairs. 
He had been greatly annoyed by the factious meeting of 
the good people of New Amsterdam, but, observing that 
on these occasions the pipe was ever in their mouth, he 
began to think that the pipe was at the bottom of the 
affair, and that there was some mysterious affinity be- 
tween politics and tobacco-smoke. Determined to strike 
at the root of the evil, he began forthwith to rail at to- 
bacco, as a noxious, nauseous weed, filthy in all its uses ; 
and as to smoking, he denounced it as a heavy tax upon 
the public pocket, — a vast consumer of time, a great en- 
courager of idleness, and a deadly bane to the prosperity 
and morals of the people. Finally he issued an edict, 
prohibiting the smoking of tobacco throughout the New 
Netherlands. Ill-fated Kieft ! Had he lived in the pres- 
ent age and attempted to check the unbounded license of 
the press, he could not have struck more sorely upon 
the sensibilities of the million. The pipe, in fact, was 

266 



THE PIPE-PLOT. 267 

the great organ of reflection and deliberation of the 
New Netherlander. It was his constant companion and 
solace : was he gay, he smoked ; was he sad, he smoked ; 
his pipe was never out of his mouth ; it was a part of his 
physiognomy ; without it his best friends would not 
know him. Take away his pipe? You might as well 
take away his nose ! 

The immediate effect of the edict of William the Testy 
■was a popular commotion. A vast multitude, armed with 
pipes and tobacco-boxes, and an immense supply of am- 
munition, sat themselves down before the governor's 
house, and fell to smoking with tremendous violence. 
The testy William issued forth like a wrathful spider, 
demanding the reason of this lawless fumigation. The 
sturdy rioters replied by lolling back in their seats, and 
puffing away with redoubled fury, raising such a murky 
cloud that the governor was fain to take refuge in the 
interior of his castle. 

A long negotiation ensued through the medium of An- 
tony the Trumpeter. The governor was at first wrathful 
and unyielding, but was gradually smoked into terms. 
He concluded by permitting the smoking of tobacco, but 
he abolished the fair long pipes used in the days of 
Wouter Van Twiller, denoting ease, tranquillity, and so- 
briety of deportment ; these he condemned as incompati- 
ble with the despatch of business, in place whereof he 
substituted little captious short pipes, two inches in 
length, which, he observed, could be stuck in one corner 



268 BISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

of the mouth, or twisted in the hat-band, and would never 
be in the way. Thus ended this alarming insurrection, 
which was long known by the name of The Pipe-Plot, 
and which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, did 
end, like most plots and seditions, in mere smoke. 

But mark, oh, reader ! the deplorable evils which did 
afterwards result. The smoke of these villanous little 
pipes, continually ascending in a cloud about the nose, 
penetrated into and befogged the cerebellum, dried up 
all the kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the 
people who use them as vaporish and testy as the gov- 
ernor himself. Nay, what is worse, from being goodly, 
burly, sleek-conditioned men, they became, like our 
Dutch yeomanry who smoke short pipes, a lantern-jawed, 
smoke-dried, leathern-hided race. 

Nor was this all. From this fatal schism in tobacco- 
pipes we may date the rise of parties in the Nieuw Ne- 
derlands. The rich and self-important burghers who had 
made their fortunes, and could afford to be lazy, adhered 
to the ancient fashion, and formed a kind of aristocracy 
known as the Long Pipes ; while the lower order, adopt- 
ing the reform of William Kieft as more convenient in 
their handicraft employments, were branded with the 
plebeian name of Short Pipes. 

A third party sprang up, headed by the descendants 
of Robert Chewit, the companion of the great Hudson. 
These discarded pipes altogether and took to chewing 
tobacco ; hence they were called Quids, — an appellation 



J 



THE ORIGIN OF POLITICAL PARTIES. 269 

since given to those political mongrels, which sometimes 
spring up between two great parties, as a mule is pro- 
duced between a horse and an ass. 

And here I would note the great benefit of party dis- 
tinctions in saving the people at large the trouble of 
thinking. Hesiod divides mankind into three classes, — 
those who think for themselves, those who think as 
others think, and those who do not think at all. The 
second class comprises the great mass of society ; for 
most people require a set creed and a file-leader. Hence 
the origin of party : which means a large body of people, 
some few of whom think, and all the rest talk. The 
former take the lead and discipline the latter ; prescrib- 
ing what they must say, what they must approve, what 
they must hoot at, whom they must support, but, above 
all, whom they must hate ; for no one can be a right good 
partisan, who is not a thorough-going hater. 

The enlightened inhabitants of the Manhattoes, there- 
fore, being divided into parties, were enabled to hate 
each other with great accuracy. And now the great busi- 
ness of politics went bravely on, the long pipes and short 
pipes assembling in separate beer-houses, and smoking 
at each other with implacable vehemence, to the great 
support of the State and profit of the tavern-keepers. 
Some, indeed, went so far as to bespatter their adver- 
saries with those odoriferous little words which smell so 
strong in the Dutch language, believing, like true poli- 
ticians, that they served their party, and glorified them- 



270 EI8T0RT OF NEW YORK. 

selves in proportion as they bewrayed their neighbors. 
But, however they might differ among themselves, all 
parties agreed in abusing the governor, seeing that he 
was not a governor of their choice, but appointed by 
others to rule over them. 

Unhappy William Kieft! exclaims the sage writer of 
the Stuyvesant manuscript, doomed to contend with 
enemies too knowing to be entrapped, and to reign over 
a people too wise to be governed. All his foreign expedi- 
tions were baffled and set at naught by the all-pervading 
Yankees ; all his home measures were canvassed and con- 
demned by " numerous and respectable meetiiigs " of 
pot-house politicians. 

In the multitude of counsellors, we are told, there is 
safety ; but the multitude of counsellors was a continual 
source of perplexity to William Kieft. With a tempera- 
ment as hot as an old radish, and a mind subject to per- 
petual whirlwinds and tornadoes, he never failed to get 
into a passion with every one who undertook to advise 
him. I have observed, however, that your passionate 
little men, like small boats with large sails, are easily up- 
set or blown out of their course ; so was it with William 
the Testy, who was prone to be carried away by the last 
piece of advice blown into his ear. The consequence 
was, that, though a projector of the first class, yet by 
continually changing his projects he gave none a fair 
trial ; and by endeavoring to do everything, he in sober 
truth did nothing. 



WOBBT OF THE GOVERNOR. 271 

In the mean time, tlie sovereign people got into tlie 
saddle, showed themselves, as usual, unmerciful riders ; 
spurring on the little governor with harangues and peti- 
tions, ani thwarting him with memorials and reproaches, 
in much the same way as holiday apprentices manage an 
unlucky devil of a hack-horse, — so that Wilhelmus Kieft 
was kept at a worry or a gallop throughout the whole 
of his administration. 



CHAPTER IX. 

OF THE FOLLT OP BEING HAPPY IN TIME OF PROSPERITY — OP TROUBLES TO 
THE SOUTH BROUGHT ON BY ANNEXATION — OF THE SECRET EXPEDITION 
OF JAN JANSEN ALPENDAM, AND HIS MAGNIFICENT REWARD. 

F we could but get a peep at the tally of dame 
Fortune, where like a vigilant landlady she 
chalks up the debtor and creditor accounts of 
thoughtless mortals, we should find that every good is 
checked off by an evil, and that, however we may appar- 
ently revel scot-free for a season, the time will come when 
we must ruefully pay off the reckoning. Fortune in fact 
is a pestilent shrew, and withal an inexorable creditor ; 
and though for a time she may be all smiles and courte- 
sies and indulge us in long credits, yet sooner or later she 
brings up her arrears with a vengeance, and washes out 
her scores with our tears. " Since," says good old Boe- 
tius, " no man can retain her at his pleasure ; what are 
her favors but sure prognostications of approaching trou- 
ble and calamity ? " 

This is the fundamental maxim of that sage school of 
philosophers, the croakers, who esteem it true wisdom to 
doubt and despond when other men rejoice, well knowing 
that happiness is at best but transient, — that, the higher 

272 



TROUBLE. 273 

one is elevated on tlie seesaw balance of fortune, tlie 
lower must be liis subsequent depression, — that he who 
is on the uppermost round of a ladder has most to suffer 
from a fall, wliile he who is at the bottom runs very little 
risk of breaking his neck by tumbling to the top. 

Philosophical readers of this stamp must have doubt- 
less indulged in dismal forebodings all through the tran- 
quil reign of Walter the Doubter, and considered it what 
Dutch seamen call a weather-breeder. They will not be 
surprised, therefore, that the foul weather which gathered 
during his days should now be rattling from all quarters 
on the head of William the Testy. 

The origin of some of these troubles may be traced 
quite back to the discoveries and annexations of Hans 
Keinier Oothout, the explorer, and Wynant Ten Breeches, 
the land-measurer, made in the twilight days of Oloffe the 
Dreamer ; by which the territories of the Nieuw Neder- 
lands were carried far to the south, to Delaware river and 
parts beyond. The consequence was, many disputes and 
brawls with the Indians, which now and then reached the 
drowsy ears of Walter the Doubter and his council, like 
the muttering of distant thunder from behind the moun- 
tains, without, however, disturbing their repose. It was 
not till the time of William the Testy that the thunder- 
bolt reached the Manhattoes. While the little governor 
was diligently protecting his eastern boundaries from the 
Yankees, word was brought him of tlie irruption of a va- 
grant colony of Swedes in the south, who had landed on 
18 



274 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

the banks of the Delaware and displayed the banner of 
that redoubtable virago Queen Christina, and taken pos- 
session of the country in her name. These had been 
guided in their expedition by one Peter Minuits, or Min- 
newits, a renegade Dutchman, formerly in the service of 
their High Mightinesses, but who now declared himself 
governor of all the surrounding country, to which was 
given the name of the province of New Sweden. 

It is an old saying that " a little pot is soon hot," which 
was the case with William the Testy. Being a little man, 
he was soon in a passion, and once in a passion, he soon 
boiled over. Summoning his council on the receipt of 
this news, he belabored the Swedes in the longest speech 
that had been heard in the colony since the wordy war- 
fare of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. Having thus 
taken off the fire-edge of his valor, he resorted to his fa- 
vorite measure of proclamation, and despatched a docu- 
ment of the kind, ordering the renegade Minnewits and 
his gang of Swedish vagabonds to leave the country im- 
mediately, under pain of the vengeance of their High 
Mightinesses the Lords States General, and of the poten- 
tates of the Manhattoes. 

This strong measure was not a whit more effectual than 
its predecessors, which had been thundered against the 
Yankees ; and William Kieft was preparing to follow it 
up with something still more formidable, when he re- 
ceived intelligence of other invaders on his southern 
frontier, who had taken possession of the banks of the 



I 



JAN JANSEN ALPENDAM. 275 

Schuylkill, and built a fort there. They were represented 
as a gigantic, gunpowder race of men, exceedingly expert 
at boxing, biting, gouging, and other branches of the 
rough-and-tumble mode of warfare, which they had 
learned from their prototypes and consins-german, the 
Virginians, to whom they have ever borne considerable 
resemblance. Like them, too, they were great roisters, 
much given to revel on hoe-cake and bacon, mint-julep 
and apple-toddy ; whence their newly formed colony had 
already acquired the name of Merryland, which, with a 
slight modification, it retains to the present day. 

In fact, the Merrylanders and their cousins, the Vir- 
ginians, were represented to William Kieft as offsets from 
the same original stock as his bitter enemies the Yano- 
kie, or Yankee tribes of the east, having both come over 
to this country for the liberty of conscience, or, in otlier 
words, to live as they pleased : the Yankees taking to 
praying and money-making, and converting quakers ; and 
the Southerners to horse-racing and cock-fighting, and 
breeding negroes. 

Against these new invaders Wilhelmus Kieft immedi- 
ately despatched a naval armament of two sloops and 
thirty men, under Jan Jansen Alpendam, who was armed 
to the very teeth with one of the little governor's most 
powerful speeches, written in vigorous Low Dutch. 

Admiral Alpendam arrived without accident in the 
Scliuylkill, and came upon the enemy just as they were 
engaged in a great "barbecue," ^ kind of festivity or 



276 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

carouse much practised in Merryland. Opening upon 
them with the speech of William the Testy, he denounced 
them as a pack of lazy, canting, julep-tippling, cock- 
fighting, horse-racing, slave-trading, tavern-hunting. Sab- 
bath-breaking, mulatto-breeding upstarts, and concluded 
by ordering them to evacuate the country immediately : 
to which they laconically replied in plain English, 
" they'd see him d — d first ! " 

Now, this was a reply on which neither Jan Jansen 
Alpendam nor Wilhelmus Kieft had made any calcula- 
tion. Finding himself, therefore, totally unprepared to 
answer so terrible a rebuff with suitable hostility, the 
admiral concluded his wisest course would be to return 
home and report progress. He accordingly steered his 
course back to New Amsterdam, where he arrived safe, 
having accomplished this hazardous enterprise at small 
expense of treasure and no loss of life. His saving policy 
gained him the universal appellation of the Saviour of 
his Country ; and his services were suitably rewarded by 
a shingle monument, erected by subscription on the top 
of Flattenbarrack Hill, where it immortalized his name 
for three whole years, when it fell to pieces and was 
burnt for firewood. 



CHAPTER X. 

TROUBLOCS TIMES ON THE HUDSON — HOW KILLIAN VAN RENSELLAER ERECTED 
A FEUDAL CASTLE, AND HOW HE INTRODUCED CLUB-LAW INTO THE PROV- 
INCE. 

BOUT this time the testy little governor of 
the New Netherlands appears to have had his 
hands full, and with one annoyance and the 
other to have been kept continually on the bounce. He 
was on the very point of following up the expedition 
of Jan Jansen Alpendam by some belligerent measures 
against the marauders of Merryland, when his attention 
was suddenly called away by belligerent troubles spring- 
ing up in another quarter, the seeds of which had been 
sown in the tranquil days of Walter the Doubter. 

The reader will recollect the deep doubt into which 
that most pacific governor was thrown on Killian Van 
Eensellaer's taking possession of Beam Island by wapen 
redd. "While the governor doubted and did nothing, the 
lordly Killian went on to complete his sturdy little castel- 
lum of Rensellaerstein, and to garrison it with a number 
of his tenants from the Helderberg, a mountain region 
famous for the hardest heads and hardest fists in the 
province. Nicholas Koorn, a faithful squire of the pa- 

277 



278 BISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

troon, accustomed to strut at liis heels, wear his cast-off 
clothes, and imitate his lofty bearing, was established in 
this post as wacht-meester. His duty it was to keep an 
eye on the river, and oblige every vessel that passed, 
unless on the service of their High Mightinesses, to strike 
its flag, lower its peak, and pay toll to the lord of Eensel- 
laerstein. 

This assumption of sovereign authority within the ter- 
ritories of the Lords States General, however it might 
have been tolerated by Walter the Doubter, had been 
sharply contested by William the Testy on coming into 
office; and many written remonstrances had been ad- 
dressed by him to Killian Van Rensellaer, to which the 
latter never deigned a reply. Thus, by degrees, a sore 
place, or, in Hibernian parlance, a raio, had been estab- 
lished in the irritable soul of the little governor, inso- 
much that he winced at the very name of Eensellaerstein. 

Now it came to pass, that, on a fine sunny day, the 
Company's yacht, the Half-Moon, having been on one of 
its stated visits to Fort Aurania, was quietly tiding it 
down the Hudson. The commander, Govert Lockerman, 
a veteran Dutch skipper of few words but great bottom, 
was seated on the high poop, quietly smoking his pipe 
under the shadow of the proud flag of Orange, when, on 
arriving abreast of Beam Island, he was saluted by a 
stentorian voice from the shore, "Lower thy flag, and be 
d— dtothee!" 

Govert Lockerman, without taking his pipe out of his 



OOVERT LOCEEBMAN. 279 

mouth, turned up his eye from under his broad-brimmed 
hat to see who hailed him thus discourteously. There, 
on the ramparts of the fort, stood Nicholas Koorn, armed 
to the teeth, flourishing a brass-hilted sword, while a 
steeple-crowned hat and cock's tail-feather, formerly 
worn by Killian Van Kensellaer himself, gave an inexpres- 
sible loftiness to his demeanor. 

Govert Lockerman eyed the warrior from top to toe, 
but was not to be dismayed. Taking the pipe slowly out 
of his mouth, "To whom should I lower my flag?" de- 
manded he. " To the high and mighty Killian Van Ken- 
sellaer, the lord of Rensellaerstein ! " was the reply. 

"I lower it to none but the Prince of Orange and my 
masters the Lords States General." So saying, he re- 
sumed his pipe and smoked with an air of dogged deter- 
mination. 

Bang ! went a gun from the fortress ; the ball cut both 
sail and rigging. Govert Lockerman said nothing, but 
smoked the more doggedly. 

Bang! went another gun; the shot whistled close 
astern. 

"Fire, and be d — d," cried Govert Lockerman, cram- 
ming a new charge of tobacco into his pipe, and smoking 
with still increasing vehemence. 

Bang! went a third gun. The shot passed over his 
head, tearing a hole in the "princely flag of Orange." 

Tliis was the hardest trial of all for the pride and pa- 
tience of Govert Lockerman. He maintained a stubborn, 



280 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

though swelling silence ; but his smothered rage might be 
perceived by the short vehement puffs of smoke emitted 
from his pipe, by which he might be tracked for miles, as 
he slowly floated out of shot and out of sight of Beam 
Island. In fact he never gave vent to his passion until he 
got fairly among the highlands of the Hudson; when he 
let fly whole volleys of Dutch oaths, which are said to 
linger to this very day among the echoes of the Dunder- 
berg, and to give particular effect to the thunder-storms 
in that neighborhood. 

It was the sudden apparition of Govert Lockerman at 
Dog's Misery, bearing in his hand the tattered flag of 
Orange, that arrested the attention of William the Testy, 
just as he was devising a new expedition against the 
marauders of Merryland. I will not pretend to describe 
the passion of the little man when he heard of the out- 
rage of Kensellaerstein. Suffice it to say, in the first 
transports of his fury, he turned Dog's Misery topsy- 
turvy ; kicked every cur out of doors, and threw the cats 
out of the window ; after which, his spleen being in some 
measure relieved, he went into a council of war with 
Govert Lockerman, the skipper, assisted by Antony Van 
Corlear, the Trumpeter. 



CHAPTEE XI. 



OP THE DIPLOMATIC MISSION OF ANTONY THE TRUMPETER TO THE FORTRESS 
OF RENSELLAERSTEIN — AND HOW HE WAS PUZZLED BY A CABALISTIC 
REPLY. 



HE eyes of all New Amsterdam were now turned 



to see wliat would be the end of this direful 
feud between "William the Testy and the pa- 
troon of Rensellaerwick ; and some, observing the con- 
sultations of the governor with the skipper and the trum- 
peter, predicted warlike measures by sea and land. The 
wrath of William Kieft, however, though quick to rise, 
was quick to evaporate. He was a perfect brush-heap in 
a blaze, snapping and crackling for a time, and then end- 
ing in smoke. Like many other valiant potentates, his 
first thoughts were all for war, his sober second thoughts 
for diplomacy. 

Accordingly, Govert Lockerman was once more de- 
spatched up the river in the Company's yacht, the Goed 
Hoop,, bearing Antony the Trumpeter as ambassador, 
to treat with the belligerent powers of Eensellaerstein. 
In the fulness of time the yacht arrived before Beam 
Island, and Antony the Trumpeter, mounting the poop, 

281 



282 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

sounded a parley to tlie fortress. In a little while the 
steejDle-crowned hat of Nicholas Koorn, the wacht- 
meester, rose above the battlements, followed by his 
iron visage, and ultimately his whole person, armed, 
as before, to the very teeth ; while, one by one, a whole 
row of Helderbergers reared their round burly heads 
above the wall, and beside each pumpkin-head peered 
the end of a rusty musket. Nothing daunted by this 
formidable array, Antony Van Corlear drew forth and 
read with audible voice a missive from "William the Testy, 
protesting against the usurpation of Beam Island, and 
ordering the garrison to quit the premises, bag and 
baggage, on pain of the vengeance of the potentate of the 
Manhattoes. 

In reply, the wacht-meester applied the thumb of his 
right hand to the end of his nose, and the thumb of his 
left hand to the little finger of the right, and spreading 
each hand like a fan, made an aerial flourish with his fin- 
gers. Antony Van Corlear was sorely perplexed to un- 
derstand this sign, which seemed to him something mys- 
terious and masonic. Not liking to betray his ignorance, 
he again read with a loud voice the missive of William 
the Testy, and again Nicholas Koorn applied the thumb 
of his right hand to the end of his nose, and the thumb of 
his left hand to the little finger of the right, and repeated 
this kind of nasal weather-cock. Antony Van Corlear 
now persuaded himself that this was some short-hand 
sign or symbol, current in diplomacy, which, though un- 



THE MYSTIC, SIGN. 283 

intelligible to a new diplomat, like himself, -would speak 
Tolumes to the experienced intellect of William the Testy; 
considering his embassy therefore at an end, he sounded 
his trumpet with great complacency, and set sail on his 
return down the river, every now and then practising this 
mysterious sign of the wacht-meester, to keep it accu- 
rately in mind. 

Arrived at New Amsterdam he made a faithful report 
of his embassy to the governor, accompanied by a manual 
exhibition of the response of Nicholas Koorn. The gov- 
ernor was equally perplexed with his embassy. He was 
deeply versed in the mysteries of freemasonry ; but they 
threw no light on the matter. He knew every variety of 
windmill and weather-cock, but was not a whit the wiser 
as to the aerial sign in question. He' had even dabbled 
in Egyptian hieroglyphics and the mystic symbols of the 
obelisks, but none furnished a key to the reply of Nicho- 
las Koorn. He called a meeting of his council. Antony 
Van Corlear stood forth in the midst, and putting the 
thumb of his right hand to his nose, and the thumb of his 
left hand to the finger of the right, he gave a faithful fac- 
simile of the portentous sign. Having a nose of unusual 
dimensions, it was as if the reply had been put in capi- 
tals ; but all in vain : the worthy burgomasters were 
equally perplexed with the governor. Each one put his 
thumb to the end of his nose, spread his fingers like a 
fan, imitated the motion of Antony Van Corlear, and then 
smoked in dubious silence. Several times was Antony 



284 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

obliged to stand forth like a fugleman and repeat the 
sign, and each time a circle of nasal weather-cocks might 
be seen in the council-chamber. 

Perplexed in the extreme, William the Testy sent for 
all the soothsayers, and fortune-tellers and wise men of 
the Manhattoes, but none could interpret the mysterious 
reply of Nicholas Koorn. The council broke up in sore 
perplexity. The matter got abroad, and Antony Van Cor- 
lear was stopped at every corner to repeat the signal to a 
knot of anxious newsmongers, each of whom departed 
with his thumb to his nose and his fingers in the air, to 
carry the story home to his family. For several days, all 
business was neglected in New Amsterdam ; nothing was 
talked of but the diplomatic mission of Antony the Trum- 
peter, — nothing was to be seen but knots of politicians 
with their thumbs to their noses. In the mean time the 
fierce feud between William the Testy and Killian Van 
Eensellaer, which at first had menaced deadly warfare, 
gradually cooled off, like many other war-questions, in 
the prolonged delays of diplomacy. 

Still to this early affair of Kensellaerstein may be 
traced the remote origin of those windy wars in modern 
days which rage in the bowels of the Helderberg, and 
have wellnigh shaken the great patroonship of the Van 
Rensellaers to its foundation ; for we are told that the 
bully boys of the Helderberg, who served under Nich- 
olas Koorn the wacht-meester, carried back to their 
mountains the hieroglyphic sign which had so sorely 



THE MYSTIC SIGN. 285 

puzzled Antony Van Corlear and the sages of the Man- 
hattoes ; so that to the present day the thumb to the 
nose and the fingers in the air is apt to be the rjply of 
the Helderbergers whenever called upon for any long 
arrears of rent. 



CHAPTER XII. 



CONTAINING THE RISE OF THE GREAT AMPHICTYONIC COUNCIL OF THE PII/- 
GRIMS, WITH THE DECLINE AND FINAL EXTINCTION OF WILLIAM THE 
TESTY. 



T was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, 
who had a nearer opportunity of ascertaining 
the fact, that at the gate of Jupiter's palace lay 
two huge tuns, one filled with blessings, the other with 
misfortunes ; and it would verily seem as if the latter had 
been completely overturned and left to deluge the un- 
lucky province of Nieuw Nederlands : for about this time, 
while harassed and annoyed from the south and the 
north, incessant forays were made by the border-chivalry 
of Connecticut upon the pig-sties and hen-roosts of the 
Nederlanders. Every day or two some broad-bottomed 
express-rider, covered with mud and mire, would come 
floundering into the gate of New Amsterdam, freighted 
with some new tale of aggression from the frontier; 
whereupon Antony Van Corlear, seizing his trumpet, the 
only substitute for a newspaper in those primitive days, 
would sound the tidings from the ramparts with such 
doleful notes and disastrous cadence as to throw half the 
old women in the city into hysterics ; all which tended 

286 



NEW ENGLAND CONFEDERACY. 287 

greatly to increase his popularity ; there being nothing 
for which the public are more grateful than being fre- 
quently treated to a panic, — a secret well known to the 
modern editors. 

But, oh ye powers ! into what a paroxysm of passion 
did each new outrage of the Yankees throw the choleric 
little governor ! Letter after letter, protest after pro- 
test, bad Latin, worse English, and hideous Low Dutch, 
were incessantly fulminated upon them, and the four-and- 
twenty letters of the alphabet, which formed his stand- 
ing army, were worn out by constant campaigning. All, 
however, was ineffectual ; even the recent victory at 
Oyster Bay, which had shed such a gleam of sunshine 
between the clouds of his foul-weather reign, was soon 
followed by a more fearful gathering up of those clouds, 
and indignations of more portentous tempest ; for the 
Yankee tribe on the banks of the Connecticut, finding on 
this memorable occasion their incompetency to cope, in 
fair fight, with the sturdy chivalry of the Manhattoes, 
had called to their aid all the ten tribes of their brethren 
who inhabit the east country, which from them has de- 
rived the name of Yankee-land. This call was promptly 
responded to. The consequence was a great confederacy 
of the tribes of Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Ply- 
mouth, and New Haven, under the title of the " United 
Colonies of New England " ; the pretended object of 
which was mutual defence against the savages, but the 
real object the subjugation of the Nieuw Nederlands. 



288 HISTORY OF NEW TOME. 

For, to let the reader into one of the great secrets of 
history, the Nieuw Nederlands had long been regarded 
by the whole Yankee race as the modern land of promise, 
and themselves as the chosen and peculiar people des- 
tined, one day or other, by hook or by crook, to get pos- 
session of it. In truth, they are a wonderful and all- 
prevalent people, of that class who only require an inch 
to gain an ell, or a halter to gain a horse. From the time 
they first gained a foothold on Plymouth Rock, they be- 
gan to migrate, progressing and progressing from place 
to place, and land to land, making a little here and a 
little there, and controverting the old proverb, that a 
rolling stone gathers no moss. Hence they have face- 
tiously received the nickname of The Pilgrims : that is 
to say, a people who are always seeking a better country 
than their own. 

The tidings of this great Yankee league struck William 
Kieft with dismay, and for once in his life he forgot to 
bounce on receiving a disagreeable piece of intelligence. 
In fact, on turning over in his mind all that he had read 
at the Hague about leagues and combinations, he found 
that this was a counterpart of the Amphictyonic league, 
by which the states of Greece attained such power and 
supremacy ; and the very idea made his heart quake for 
the safety of his empire at the Manhattoes. 

The affairs of the confederacy were managed by an an- 
nual council of delegates held at Boston, which Kieft de- 
nominated the Delphos of this truly classic league. The 



TEE END OF WILLIAM THE TESTY. 289 

very first meeting gave evidence of hostility to the Nieuw 
Nederlanders, who were charged, in their dealings with 
the Indians, with carrying on a traffic in " guns, powther 
and shott, — a trade damnable and injurious to the colo- 
nists." It is true the Connecticut traders were fain to 
dabble a little in this damnable traffic ; but then they al- 
ways dealt in what were termed Yankee guns, ingenious- 
ly calculated to burst in the pagan hands which used 
them. 

The rise of this potent confederacy was a death-blow 
to the glory of William the Testy, for from that day for- 
ward he never held up his head, but appeared quite 
crestfallen. It is true, as the grand council augmented in 
power, and the league, rolling onward, gathered about 
the red hills of New Haven, threatening to overwhelm the 
Nieuw Nederlands, he continued occasionally to fulmi- 
nate proclamations and protests, as a shrewd sea-captain 
fires his guns into a water-spout ; but alas ! they had no 
more effect than so many blank cartridges. 

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of 
William the Testy ; for henceforth, in the troubles, per- 
plexities, and confusion of the times, he seems to have 
been totally overlooked, and to have slipped forever 
through the fingers of scrupulous history. It is a mat- 
ter of deep concern that such obscurity should hang over 
his latter days ; for he was in truth a mighty and great- 
little man, and worthy of being utterly renowned, see- 
ing that he was the first potentate that introduced into 
19 



290 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

this land tlie art of figliting by proclamation, and defend- 
ing a country by trumpeters and wind-mills. 

It is true, that certain of the early provincial poets, of 
whom there were great numbers in the Nieuw Neder- 
lands, taking advantage of his mysterious exit, have 
fabled, that, like Romulus, he was translated to the skies, 
and forms a very fiery little star, somewhere on the left 
claw of the Crab ; while others, equally fanciful, declare 
that he had experienced a fate similar to that of the good 
king Arthur, who, we are assured by ancient bards, was 
carried away to the delicious abodes of fairy-land, where 
he still exists in pristine worth and vigor, and will one 
day or another return to restore the gallantry, the honor, 
and the immaculate probity, which prevailed in the glori- 
ous days of the Round Table.* 

All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cob- 
web visions of those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which 
I would not have my judicious readers attach any credi- 
bility. Neither am I disposed to credit an ancient and 
rather apocryphal historian, who asserts that the ingeni- 
ous Wilhelmu^ was annihilated by the blowing down of 

* The old Welsh bards believed that King Arthur was not dead, but 
carried awaie by the fairies into some pleasant jjlaee, where he sholde re- 
maine for a time, and then retume againe and reigne in as great authority 
as ever. — Hollinshed. 

The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Britaigne, 
for certes, this is the prophicye of Merlyn — He say'd that his deth shall 
be doubteous ; and said soth for men tliereof yet have doubte and shullcn 
for ever more— for men wyt not whether that he lyvcth or is dede. — Da. 
Leew, Chron. 



TEE TREASUBE OF GOLD. 291 

one of liis wind-mills ; nor a writer of latter times, who 
affirms that he fell a victim to an experiment in natural 
history, having the misfortune to break his neck from a 
garret-window of the stadthouse in attempting to catch 
swallows by sprinkling salt upon their tails. Still less do 
I put my faith in the tradition that he perished at sea in 
conveying home to Holland a treasure of golden ore, dis- 
covered somewhere among the haunted regions of the 
Catskill mountains.* 



* Diedrich Knickerbocker, in his scnipulous search after truth, is some- 
times too fastidious in regard to facts whicli border a little on the mar- 
vellous. The story of the golden ore rests on something better than mere 
tradition. The venerable Adrian Van der Donck, Doctor of Laws, in his 
description of the New Netherlands, asserts it from his own observation 
as an eye-witness. He was present, he says, in 1645, at a treaty between 
Governor Kieft and the Mohawk Indians, in which one of the latter, in 
painting himself for the ceremony, used a pigment, the weight and shin- 
ing appearance of which excited the curiosity of the governor and Myn- 
heer Van der Donck. They obtained a lump, and gave it to be proved by 
a skilful doctor of medicine, Johannes de la Montague, one of the coun- 
cillors of tlie New Netherlands. I' was put into a crucible, and yielded 
two pieces of gold, worth ab'u' three guilders. All this, continues Adrian 
Van der Donck, was kept secret. A soon as peace was made with the 
Mohawks, an officer and a few men wer- sent to the mountain, (in the 
region of the Kaatskill,) under the guidance of an Indian, to search for 
the precious mineral. Thev brought back a bucket full of ore ; which, 
being submitted to the crucible, proved as productive as the first. Wil- 
liam Kieft now thought the discovery certain. He sent a confidential 
person, Arent Corsen, with a bag full of the mineral, to New Haven, to 
take passage in an English ship for England, thence to proceed to Hol- 
land. The vessel sailed at Cliristmas, but never reached her port. All 
on board perished. 

In the year 1647, Wilhelmus Kieft himself embarked on board the 
Princess, taking with him specimens of the supposed mineral. The ship 
was never heard of more I 



292 EI8T0BT OF NEW YORK. 

The most probable account declares, that, what with the 
constant troubles on his frontiers, the incessant schem- 
ings and projects going on in his own pericranium, the 
memorials, petitions, remonstrances, and sage pieces of 
advice of respectable meetings of the sovereign people, 
and the refractory disposition of his councillors, who 
were sure to differ from him on every point, and uniformly 
to be in the wrong, his mind was kept in a furnace-heat, 
until he became as completely burnt out as a Dutch 
family-pipe which has passed through three generations 
of hard smokers. In this manner did he undergo a kind 
of animal combustion, consuming away like a farthing 
rush-light : so that when grim death finally snuffed him 
out, there was scarce left enough of him to bury ! 

Some liave supposed that the mineral in question was not gold, but py- 
rites ; but we liave tlie assertion of Adrian Van der Donck, an eye-wit- 
ness, and the experiment of Johannes de la Montagne, a learned doctor of 
medicine, on the golden side of the question. Cornelius Van Tienhooven, 
also, at that time secretary of the New Netherlands, declared in Holland 
that he had tested several specimens of the mineral, which proved satis- 
factory.* 

It would appear, however, that these golden treasures of the Kaatskill 
always brought ill luck : as is evidenced in the fate of Arent Corsen and 
Wilhelmus Kieft, and the wreck of the ships in which they attempted to 
convey the treasure across the ocean. The golden mines have never since 
been explored, but remain among the mysteries of the Kaatskill moun- 
tains, and under the protection of the goblins which haunt them. 

* See Van der Dour k'g " Description of the New Netherlands. " Collect. New York 
Hist. Society, Vol. I. p. 161. 




BOOK V. 

CONTAEONQ THE FIRST PART OP THE REIGX OF PETER STUYVESANT, AND 
HIS TROUBLES "WITH THE AMPHICTYONIC COUNCIL. 



CHAPTER I. 



m WHICH THE DEATH OF A GREAT MAN IS SHOWN TO BE NO VERT INCONSOL- 
ABLE MATTER OP SORROW — AND HOW PETER STUYVESANT ACQUIRED A 
GREAT NAME FROM THE UNCOMMON STRENGTH OF HIS HEAD. 




|0 a profound philosopher like myself, who am 
apt to see clear through a subject, where the 
penetration of ordinary people extends but half- 



way, there is no fact more simple and manifest than that 
the death of a great man is a matter of very little impor- 
tance. Much as we may think of ourselves, and much as 
we may excite the empty plaudits of the million, it is 
certain that the greatest among us do actually fill but an 

293 



294 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

exceeding small space in the world ; and it is equally 
certain, that even that small space is quickly supplied 
when we leave it vacant. " Of what consequence is it," 
said Pliny, " that individuals appear, or make their exit ? 
the world is a theatre whose scenes and actors are con- 
tinually changing." Never did philosopher speak more 
correctly ; and I only wonder that so wise a remark could 
have existed so many ages, and mankind not have laid it 
more to heart. Sage follows on in the footsteps of sage ; 
one hero just steps out of his triumphal car, to make way 
for the hero who comes after him ; and of the proudest 
monarch it is merely said, that " he slept with his fathers, 
and his successor reigned in his stead." 

The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for 
their loss, and if left to itself would soon forget to grieve ; 
and though a nation has often been figuratively drowned 
in tears on the death of a great man, yet it is ten to one 
if an individual tear has been shed on the occasion, ex- 
cepting from the forlorn pen of some hungry author. It 
is the historian, the biographer, and the poet, who have 
the whole burden of grief to sustain, — who — kind souls! 
— ^like undertakers in England, act the part of chief 
mourners, — who inflate a nation with sighs it never 
heaved, and deluge it with tears it never dreamt of shed- 
ding. Thus, while the patriotic author is weeping and 
howling, in prose, in blank verse, and in rhyme, and col- 
lecting the drops of public sorrow into his volume, as into 
a lachrymal vase, it is more than probable his fellow- 



THE CITY MOURNS NOT FOR KIEFT. 295 

citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling and dancing, as 
utterly ignorant of the bitter lamentations made in their 
name as are those men of straw, John Doe and Eichard 
Koe, of the plaintiffs for whom they are generously pleas- 
ed to become sureties. 

The most glorious hero that ever desolated nations 
might have mouldered into oblivion among the rubbish 
of his own monument, did not some historian take him 
into favor, and benevolently transmit his name to poster- 
ity ; and much as the valiant William Kieft worried, and 
bustled, and turmoiled, while he had the destinies of a 
whole colony in his hand, I question seriously whether 
he will not be obliged to this authentic history for all his 
future celebrity. 

His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New 
Amsterdam nor its vicinity : the earth trembled not, 
neither did any stars shoot from their spheres ; the heav- 
ens were not shrouded in black, as poets would fain per- 
suade us they have been, on the death of a hero ; the rocks 
(hard-hearted varlets !) melted not into tears, nor did the 
trees hang their heads in silent sorrow; and as to the 
sun, he lay abed the next night just as long, and showed 
as jolly a face when he rose as he ever did on the same 
day of the month in any year, either before or since. 
The good people of New Amsterdam, one and all, de- 
clared that he had been a very busy, active, bustling lit- 
tle governor; that he was "the father of his country"; 
that he was "the noblest work of God"j that "ho was a 



296 mSTOEY OF NEW YORK. 

man, take him for all in all, they ne'er should look upon 
his like again " ; together with sundry other civil and af- 
fectionate speeches regularly said on the death of all 
great men : after which they smoked their pipes, thought 
no more about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to 
his station. 

Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the renowned 
"Wouter Van Twiller, the best of our ancient Dutch gov- 
ernors. Wouter having surpassed all who preceded him, 
and Peter, or Piet, as he was sociably called by the old 
Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize 
names, having never been equalled by any successor. He 
was in fact the very man fitted by nature to retrieve the 
desperate fortunes of her beloved province, had not the 
fates, those most potent and unrelenting of all ancient 
spinsters, destined them to inextricable confusion. 

To say merely that he was a hero, would be doing him 
great injustice : he was in truth a combination of heroes ; 
for he was of a sturdy, raw-boned make, like Ajax Tela- 
mon, with a pair of round shoulders that Hercules would 
have given his hide for (meaning his lion's hide) when he 
undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was, more- 
over, as Plutarch describes Coriolanus, not only terrible 
for the force of his arm, but likewise of his voice, which 
sounded as though it came out of a barrel ; and, like the 
self-same warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for 
the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which was 
enough of itself to make the very bowels of his adversa- 



PETER STUYVESANT. 297 

ries quake with terror and dismay. All this martial ex- 
cellency of appearance was inexpressibly heightened by 
an accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that 
neither Homer nor Virgil have graced any of their he- 
roes. This was nothing less than a wooden leg, which 
was the only prize he had gained in bravely fighting the 
battles of his country, but of which he was so proud, that 
he was often heard to declare he valued it more than all 
his other limbs put together; indeed so highly did he 
esteem it, that he had it gallantly enchased and relieved 
with silver devices, which caused it to be related in di- 
vers histories and legends that he wore a silver leg.* 

Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was somewhat 
subject to extempore bursts of passion, which were rather 
unpleasant to his favorites and attendants, whose per- 
ceptions he was apt to quicken, after the manner of his 
illustrious imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing their 
shoulders with his walking-staff. 

Though I cannot find that he had read Plato, or Aris- 
totle, or Hobbes, or Bacon, or Algernon Sydney, or Tom 
Paine, yet did he sometimes manifest a shrewdness and 
sagacity in his measures, that one would hardly expect 
from a man who did not know Greek, and had never 
studied the ancients. True it is, and I confess it with 
sorroAv, that he had an unreasonable aversion to experi- 
ments, and was fond of governing his province after the 

* See the histories of Masters Josselyn and Blorae. 



298 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

simplest manner ; but then lie contrived to keep it in 
better order than did the erudite Kieft, though he had all 
the philosophers, ancient and modern, to assist and per- 
plex him. I must likewise own that he made but very 
few laws ; but then, again, he took care that those few 
were rigidly and impartially enforced ; and I do not know 
but justice, on the whole, was as well administered as if 
there had been volumes of sage acts and statutes yearly 
made, and daily neglected and forgotten. 

He was, in fact, the very reverse of his predecessors, 
being neither tranquil and inert, like Walter the Doubt- 
er, nor restless and fidgeting, like William the Testy, — 
but a man, or rather a governor, of such uncommon ac- 
tivity and decision of mind, that he never sought nor ac- 
cepted the advice of others, — depending bravely upon 
his single head, as would a hero of yore upon his single 
arm, to carry him through all difficulties and dangers. 
To tell the simple truth, he wanted nothing more to com- 
plete him as a statesman than to think always right ; for 
no one can say but that he always acted as he thought. 
He was never a man to flinch when he found himself in 
a scrape, but to dash forward through thick and thin, 
trusting, by hook or by crook, to make all things straight. 
in the end. In a word, he possessed, in an eminent de- 
gree, that great quality in a statesman, called persever- 
ance by the polite, but nicknamed obstinacy by the vul- 
gar, — a wonderful salve for official blunders, since he who 
perseveres in error without flinching gets the credit of 



WLN'DY FlilBAY. 299 

boldness and consistency, while he who wavers in seek- 
ing to do what is right gets stigmatized as a trimmer. 
This much is certain ; and it is a maxim well worthy the 
attention of all legislators, great and small, who stand 
shaking in the wind, irresolute which way to steer, that a 
ruler who follows his own will pleases himself, while he 
who seeks to satisfy the wishes and whims of others runs 
great risk of pleasing nobody. There is nothing, too, 
like putting down one's foot resolutely when in doubt, 
.and letting things take their course. The clock that 
stands still points right twice in the four-andr^venty 
hours, while others may keep going continually and be 
continually going wrong. 

Nor did this magnanimous quality escape the discern- 
ment of the good people of Nieuw Nederlands ; on the 
contrary, so much were they struck with the independent 
will and vigorous resolution displayed on all occasions 
by their new governor, that they universally called him 
Hard-Koppig Piet, or Peter the Headstrong, — a great 
compliment to the strength of his understanding. 

If, from all that I have said, thou dost not gather, 
worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, sturdy, 
valiant, weather-beaten, mettlesome, obstinate, leathern- 
sided, lion-hearted, generous-spirited old governor, either 
I have written to but little purpose, or thou art very dull 
at drawing conclusions. 

This most excellent governor commenced his adminis- 
tration on the 29th of May, 1G47. — a remarkably stormy 



300 HI8T0BT OF NEW TORE. 

day, distinguislied in all tlie almanacs of tlie time wliicli 
have come down to us by the name of Windy Friday. As 
he was very jealous of his personal and official dignity, 
he was inaugurated into office with great ceremony, — the 
goodly oaken chair of the renowned Wouter Yan Twiller 
being carefully preserved for such occasions, in like man- 
ner as the chair and stone were reverentially preserved 
at Schone, in Scotland, for the coronation of the Caledo- 
nian monarchs. 

I must not omit to mention that the tempestuous state 
of the elements, together with its being that unlucky day 
of the week termed " hanging-day," did not fail to excite 
much grave speculation and divers very reasonable ap- 
prehensions among the more ancient and enlightened in- 
habitants ; and several of the sager sex, who were reputed 
to be not a little skilled in the mystery of astrology and 
fortune-telling, did declare outright that they were omens 
of a disastrous administration ; — an event that came to be 
lamentably verified, and which proves beyond dispute the 
wisdom of attending to those preternatural intimations 
furnished by dreams and visions, the flying of birds, fall- 
ing of stones, and cackling of geese, on which the sages 
and rulers of ancient times placed such reliance ; or to 
those shooting of stars, eclipses of the moon, bowlings of 
dogs, and flarings of candles, carefully noted and inter- 
preted by the oracular sibyls of our day, — who, in my 
humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors and pre- 
servers of the ancient science of divination. This much 



THE IN A UG URA TIOJV. 301 

is certain, that Governor Stuyvesant succeeded to tlie 
chair of state at a turbulent period ; when foes thronged 
and threatened from without; when anarchy and stiff- 
necked opposition reigned rampant within; when the 
authority of their High Mightinesses the Lords States 
General, though supported by economy and defended by 
speeches, protests, and proclamations, yet tottered to its 
very centre ; and when the great city of New Amsterdam, 
though fortified by flag-staffs, trumpeters, and wind-mills, 
seemed, like some fair lady of easy virtue, to lie open to 
attack, and ready to yield to the first invader. 



CHAPTEE n. 



SHOWING HOW PETER THE HEADSTRONG BESTIRRED HIMSELF AMONG THE 
RATS AND COBWEBS ON ENTERING INTO OFFICE — HIS INTERVIEW WITH 
ANTONY THE TRUMPETER, AND HIS PERILOUS MEDDLING WITH THE CUR- 
RENCY. 



HE very first movements of the great Peter, on 
taking tlie reins of government, displayed his 
magnanimity, though they occasioned not a lit- 
tle marvel and uneasiness among the people of the Man- 
hattoes. Finding himself constantly interrupted by the 
opposition, and annoyed by the advice of his privy coun- 
cil, the members of which had acquired the unreasonable 
habit of thinking and speaking for themselves during the 
preceding reign, he determined at once to put a stop to 
such grievous abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had he 
entered upon his authority, than he turned out of office 
all the meddlesome spirits of the factious cabinet of Will- 
iam the Testy ; in place of whom he chose unto himself 
counsellors from those fat, somniferous, respectable burgh- 
ers who had flourished and slumbered under the easy 
reign of "Walter the Doubter. All these he caused to be 
furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, and to be 
regaled with frequent corporation dinners, admonishing 

302 



PETER AND ANTONY. 303 

them to smoke, and eat, and sleep for tlie good of tlie 
nation, while he took the burden of government upon his 
own shoulders — an arrangement to which they all gave 
hearty acquiescence. 

Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among 
the inventions and expedients of his learned predecessor, 
— rooting up his patent gallows, where caitiff vagabonds 
were suspended by the waistband, — demolishing his flag- 
staffs and wind-mills, which, like mighty giants, guarded 
the ramparts of New Amsterdam, — pitching to the duyvel 
whole batteries of quaker guns, — and, in a word, turning 
topsy-turvy the whole philosophic, economic, and wind- 
mill system of the immortal sage of Saardam. 

The honest folk of New Amsterdam began to quake 
now for the fate of their matchless champion, Antony the 
Trumpeter, who had acquired prodigious favor in the 
eyes of the women, by means of his whiskers and his 
trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong cause to be 
brought into his presence, and eyeing him for a mo- 
ment from head to foot, with a countenance that would 
have appalled anything else than a sounder of brass, — 
" Pr'ythee, who and what art thou ? " said he. " Sire," 
replied the other, in no wise dismayed, " for my name, 
it is Antony Van Corlear ; for my parentage, I am the 
son of my mother ; for my profession, I am champion 
and garrison of this great city of New Amsterdam." " I 
doubt me much," said Peter Stuyvesant, " that thou art 
some scurvy costard-monger knave. How didst thou ac- 



304 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

quire this paramount honor and dignity ? " " Marry, sir," 
replied the other, " like many a great man before me, 
simply hy sounding my own trumpet." "Ay, is it so?" 
quoth the governor ; " why, then let us have a relish of 
thy art." "Whereupon the good Antony put his instru- 
ment to his lips, and sounded a charge with such a tre- 
mendous outset, such a delectable quaver, and such a tri- 
umphant cadence, that it was enough to make one's heart 
leap out of one's mouth only to be within a mile of it. 
Like as a war-worn charger, grazing in peaceful plains, 
starts at a strain of martial music, pricks up his ears, and 
snorts, and paws, and kindles at the noise, so did the he- 
roic Peter joy to hear the clangor of the trumpet ; for of 
him might truly be said, what was recorded of the re- 
nowned St. George of England, " there was nothing in all 
the world that more rejoiced his heart than to hear the 
pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth 
their steeled weapons." Casting his eye more kindly, 
therefore, upon the sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him 
to be a jovial varlet, shrewd in his discourse, yet of great 
discretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway con- 
ceived a vast kindness for him, and discharging him from 
the troublesome duty of garrisoning, defending, and 
alarming the city, ever after retained him about his per- 
son, as his chief favorite, confidential envoy, and trusty 
squire. Instead of disturbing the city with disastrous 
notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight the gov- 
ernor while at his repasts, as did the minstrels of yore 



TAMPERING WITH THE CURRENCY. 305 

in the days of glorious chivalry, — and on all public occa- 
sions to rejoice the ears of the people with warlike mel- 
ody, — thereby keeping alive a noble andmartial spirit. 

But the measure of the valiant Peter which produced 
the greatest agitation in il^ community, was his laying 
his hand u]son the currency. He had old-fashioned no- 
tions in favor of gold and silver, which he considered the 
true standards of wealth and mediums of commerce ; and 
one of his first edicts was, that all duties to government 
should be paid in those precious metals, and that sea- 
want, or wampum, should no longer be a legal tender. 

Here was a blow at public prosperity ! All those who 
speculated on the rise and fall of this fluctuating cur- 
rency, found their calling at an end ; those, too, who had 
hoarded Indian money by barrels full, found their capi- 
tal shrunk in amount ; but, above all, the Yankee traders, 
who were accustomed to flood the market with newly 
coined oyster-shells, and to abstract Dutch merchandise 
in exchange, were loud-mouthed in decrying this " tam- 
pering with the currency." It was clipping the wings 
of commerce ; it was checking the development of pub- 
lic prosperity ; trade would be at an end ; goods would 
moulder on the shelves ; grain would rot in the granaries ; 
grass would grow in the market-place. In a word, no 
one who has not heard the outcries and bowlings of a 
modern Tarshish, at any check upon " paper-money," 
can have any idea of the clamor against Peter the Head- 
strong, for checking the circulation of oyster-shells. 
20 



306 HISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

In fact, trade did shrink into narrower channels ; but 
then the stream was deep as it was broad ; the honest 
Dutchmen sold less goods ; but then they got the worth 
of them, either in silver and gold, or in codfish, tin ware, 
apple-brandy, Weathersfield onions, wooden bowls, and 
other articles of Yankee barter. The ingenious people 
of the east, however, indemnified themselves another way 
for having to abandon the coinage of oyster-shells ; for 
about this time we are told that wooden nutmegs made 
their first appearance in New Amsterdam, to the great 
annoyance of the Dutch housewives. 

NOTE. 

From a manuscript record of the province ; Lib. iV". Y. Hist. Society. 
— We have been unable to render your inhabitants wiser and prevent 
their being further imposed upon than to declare absolutely and peremp- 
torily that henceforward seawant shall be bullion, — not longer admis- 
sible in trade, without any value, as it is indeed. So that every one may 
be upon his guard to barter no longer away his wares and merchandises 
for these bubbles, — at least not to accept them at a higher rate, or in a 
larger quantity, than as they may want them in their trade with the sav- 
ages. 

In this way your i^inglish [Yankee] neighbors shall no longer be enabled 
to draw the best wares and merchandises from our country for nothing, 
— the beavers and furs not excepted. This has indeed long since been 
insufferable, although it ought chiefly to be imputed to the imprudent 
I)enuriousness of our own merchants and inhabitants, who, it is to be 
hoped, shall through the abolition of this seawant become wiser and more 
|)rudent. 

27 fh January, 1603. 

Seawant falls into disrepute ; duties to be paid in silver cola. 



CHAPTER in. 



HOW THE YANKEE LEAGUE WAXED MORE AND MORE POTENT ; AND HOW IT 
OITWITTED THE GOOD PETER IN TREATY-MAKING. 



OW it came to pass, tliat, while Peter Stuyve- 
sant was busy regulating the internal affairs of 
his domain, the great Yankee league, which 
had caused such tribulation to William the Testy, con- 
tinued to increase in extent and power. The grand Am- 
phictyonic council of the league was held at Boston, 
where it spun a web, which threatened to link within 
it all the mighty principalities and powers of the east. 
The object proposed by this formidable combination 
was, mutual protection and defence against their savage 
neighbors ; but all the world knows the real aim was to 
form a grand crusade against the Nieuw Nederlands, and 
to get possession of the city of the Manhattoes, — as de- 
vout an object of enterprise and ambition to the Yankees 
as was ever the capture of Jerusalem to ancient crusaders. 
In the very year following the inauguration of Gover- 
nor Stuyvesant, a grand deputation departed from the 
city of Providence (famous for its dusty streets and beau- 
teous women) in behalf of the plantation of Rhode Island, 
praying to be admitted into the league. 

307 



308 HISTORY OF NEW TOBK. 

The following minute of this deputation appears in the 
ancient records of the council.* 

" Mr. Will. Cottingtou and Captain Partridg of Bhoode 
Island presented this insewing request to the 'Commis- 
sioners iu wrighting — 

" Our request and motion is in behalfe of Ehoode 
Hand, that wee the Ilanders of Roode-Iland may be res- 
cauied into combination with all the united colonyes 
of New England in a firme and perpetual league of 
friendship and amity of ofence and defence, mutuall ad- 
vice and succor upon all just occasions for our mutuall 
safety and wellfaire, etc. Will Cottington, 

"Alicxsander Paetridg." 

There was certainly something in the very physiog- 
nomy of this document that might well inspire apprehen- 
sion. The name of Alexander, however misspelt, has 
been warlike in every age ; and though its fierceness is in 
some measure softened by being coupled with the gentle 
cognomen of Partridge, still, like the color of scarlet, it 
bears an exceeding great resemblance to the sound of a 
trumpet. From the style of the letter, moreover, and the 
soldier-like ignorance of orthography displayed by the 
noble Captain Alicxsander Partridg in spelling his own 
name, we may picture to ourselves this mighty man of 
Rhodes, strong in arms, potent in the field, and as great 
a scholar as though he had been educated among that 

* Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. 



THE COUNCIL AT HARTFORD. 309 

learned people of Thrace, who, Aristotle assures us, 
could not count beyond the number four. 

The result of this great Yankee league was augmented 
audacity on the part of the moss-troopers of Connecticut, 
— pushing their encroachments farther and farther into 
the territories of their High Mightinesses, so that even 
the inhabitants of New Amsterdam began to draw short 
breath and to find themselves exceedingly cramped for 
elbow-room. 

Peter Stuyvesant was not a man to submit quietly to 
such intrusions ; his first impulse was to march at once to 
the frontier and kick these squatting Yankees out of the 
country ; but, bethinking himself in time that he was now 
a governor and legislator, the policy of the statesman for 
once cooled the fire of the old soldier, and he determined 
to try his hand at negotiation. A correspondence accord- 
ingly ensued between him and the grand council of the 
league ; and it was agreed that commissioners from either 
side should meet at Hartford, to settle boundaries, adjust 
grievances, and establish a " perpetual and haj)py peace." 

The commissioners on the part of the Manhattoes were 
chosen, according to immemorial usage of that venerable 
metropolis, from among the " wisest and weightiest " men 
of the community, that is to say, men with the oldest 
Leads and heaviest pockets. Among these sages the vet- 
eran navigator, Hans Eeinier Oothout, who had made 
such extensive discoveries during the time of OlofFe the 
Dreamer, was looked up to as an oracle in all matters of 



310 EI8T0BT OF NEW YORK. 

tlie kind ; and lie was ready to produce the very spy- 
glass with which he first spied the mouth of the Connec- 
ticut river from his mast-head ; and all the world knows 
the discovery of the mouth of a river gives prior right to 
all the lands drained by its waters. 

It was with feelings of pride and exultation that the 
good people of the Manhattoes saw two of the richest and 
most ponderous burghers departing on this embassy, — 
men whose word on 'change was oracular, and in whose 
presence no poor man ventured to appear without taking 
oflf his hat : when it was seen, too, that the veteran Keinier 
Oothout accompanied them with his spy-glass under his 
arm, all the old men and old women predicted that men 
of such weight, with such evidence, would leave the Yan- 
kees no alternative but to pack up their tin kettles and 
wooden wares, put wife and children in a cart, and aban- 
don all the lands of their High Mightinesses, on which 
they had squatted. 

In truth, the commissioners sent to Hartford by the 
league seemed in no wise calculated to compete with men 
of such capacity. They were two lean Yankee lawyers, 
litigious-looking varlets, and evidently men of no sub- 
stance, since they had no rotundity in the belt, and there 
was no jingling of money in their pockets ; it is true, they 
had longer heads than the Dutchmen ; but if the heads 
of the latter were flat at top, they were broad at bottom, 
and what was wanting in height of forehead was made up 
by a double chin. 



THE RIVAL SPT-OLASSES. 311 

The negotiation turned as usual upon the good old 
corner-stone of original discovery, — according to the prin- 
ciple that he who first sees a new country has an unques- 
tionable right to it. This being admitted, the veteran 
Oothout, at a concerted signal, stepped forth in the as- 
sembly with the identical tarpauling spy-glass in his 
hand, with which he had discovered the mouth of the 
Connecticut, while the worthy Dutch commissioners loll- 
ed back in their chairs, secretly chuckling at the idea of 
having for once got the weather-gage of the Yankees ; but 
what was their dismay when the latter produced a Nan- 
tucket whaler with a spy-glass twice as long, with which 
he discovered the whole coast, quite down to the Man- 
hattoes, and so crooked, that he had spied with it up the 
whole course of the Connecticut river. This jDrinciple 
pushed home, therefore, the Yankees had a right to the 
whole country bordering on the Sound ; nay, the city of 
New Amsterdam was a mere Dutch squatting-place on 
their territories. 

I forbear to dwell upon the confusion of the worthy 
Dutch commissioners at finding their main pillar of proof 
thus knocked from under them ; neither will I pretend to 
describe the consternation of the wise men at the Man- 
hattoes when they learned how their commissioner had 
been out-trumped by the Yankees, and how the latter 
pretended to claim to the very gates of New Amsterdam. 

Long was the negotiation protracted, and long was the 
public mind kept in a atate of anxiety. There are two 



312 EISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

modes of settling boundary questions when the claims of 
the opposite are irreconcilable. One is by an appeal to 
arms, in which case the weakest party is apt to lose its 
right, and get a broken head into the bargain ; the other 
mode is by compromise, or mutual concession, — that is 
to say, one party cedes half of its claims, and the other 
party half of its rights ; he who grasps most gets most, 
and the whole is pronounced an equitable division, " per- 
fectly honorable to both parties." 

The latter mode was adopted in the present instance. 
The Yankees gave up claims to vast tracts of the Nieuw 
Nederlands which they had never seen, and all right to 
the land of Manna-hata and the city of New Amsterdam, 
to which they had no right at all ; while the Dutch, in 
return, agreed that the Yankees should retain possession 
of the frontier places where they had squatted, and of 
both sides of the Connecticut river. 

When the news of this treaty arrived at New Amster- 
dam, the whole city was in an uproar of exultation. The 
old women rejoiced that there was to be no war, the old 
men that their cabbage-gardens were safe from invasion ; 
while the political sages pronounced the treaty a great 
triumph over the Yankees, considering how much they 
had claimed, and how little they had been "fobbed off 
with." 

And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like the great 
and good Peter, congratulating himself with the idea that 
his feelings will no longer be harassed by afflicting details 



PETERS ERROR. 313 

of stolen horses, broken heads, impounded hogs, and all 
the other catalogue of heart-rending cruelties that dis- 
graced these border wars. But if he should indulge in 
such expectations, it is a proof that he is but little versed 
in the paradoxical ways of cabinets ; to convince him of 
which, I solicit his serious attention to my next chapter, 
w^herein I will show that Peter Stuyvesant has already 
committed a great error in politics, and, by effecting a 
peace, has materially hazarded the tranquillity of the 
province. 



CHAPTER IV. 



CONTAINING DIVERS SPECULATIONS ON WAR AND NEGOTIATIONS — SHOWING 
THAT A TREATY OF PEACE IS A GREAT NATIONAL EVIL. 




T was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, 
Lucretius, that war was the original state of 
man, whom he described as being primitively a 
savage beast of prey, engaged in a constant state of hos- 
tility with his own species, and that this ferocious spirit 
was tamed and ameliorated by society. The same opin- 
ion has been advocated by Hobbes,* nor have there been 
wanting many other philosophers to admit and defend. 

For my part, though prodigiously fond of these valua- 
ble speculations, so complimentary to human nature, yet, 
in this instance, I am inclined to take the proposition by 
halves, believing with Horace,t that, though war may 
have been originally the favorite amusement and indus- 
trious employment of our progenitors, yet, like many 

* Ilobbes's Leviathan. Part i. oh. 13. 

f Cjuum prorepserunt primis aniinalia terris, 
Mutuum ac turpe pecus, glanclem atque cubilia propter, 
Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro 
Pugnabant armis, quae post labricaverat usus. 

Hoe. Sat. L. i. S. 3. 

3M 



TEE GROWTH OF CONFLICT. 315 

other excellent habits, so far from being ameliorated, it 
has been cultivated and confirmed by refinement and civ- 
ilization, and increases in exact proportion as we ap- 
proach towards that state of perfection which is the ne 
^us ultra of modern philosophy. 

The first conflict between man and man was the mere 
exertion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary weapons ; 
his arm was his buckler, his fist was his mace, and a bro- 
ken head the catastrophe of his encounters. The battle 
of unassisted strength was succeeded by the more rugged 
one of stones and clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary 
aspect. As man advanced in refinement, as his faculties 
expanded, and as his sensibilities became more exquisite, 
he grew rapidly more ingenious and experienced in the 
art of murdering his fellow-beings. He invented a thou- 
sand devices to defend and to assault : the helmet, the 
cuirass, and the buckler, the sword, the dart, and the jav- 
elin, prepared him to elude the wound as well as to 
launch the blow. Still urging on, in the career of philan- 
thropic invention, he enlarges and heightens his powers 
of defence and injury : — The Aries, the Scorpio, the Ba- 
lista, and the Catapulta, give a horror and sublimity to 
war, and magnify its glory, by increasing its desolation. 
Still insatiable, though armed with machinery that seemed 
to reach the limits of destructive invention, and to yield 
a power of injury commensurate even with the desires of 
revenge, — still deeper researches must be made in the 
diabolical arcana. With furious zeal he dives into the 



316 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

bowels of the earth ; he toils midst poisonous minerals 
and deadly salts, — the subl:*.me discovery of gunpowder 
blazes upon the world — and finally the dreadful art of 
fighting by proclamation seems to endow the demon of 
war with ubiquity and omnipotence ! 

This, indeed, is grand ! — this, indeed, marks the powers 
of mind, and bespeaks that divine endowment of reason, 
which distinguishes us from the animals, our inferiors. 
The unenlightened brutes content themselves with the 
native force which Providence has assigned them. The 
angry bull butts with his horns, as did his progenitors 
before him ; the lion, the leopard, and the tiger seek only 
with their talons and their fangs to gratify their san- 
guinary fury ; and even the subtle serpent darts the same 
venom, and uses the same wiles, as did his sire before the 
flood. Man alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes 
on from discovery to discovery, — enlarges and multiplies 
his powers of destruction, — arrogates the tremendous 
"weapons of Deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him 
in murdering his brother- worm ! 

In proportion as the art of war has increased in im- 
provement has the art of preserving peace advanced in 
equal ratio ; and as we have discovered, in this age of 
wonders and inventions, that proclamation is the most 
formidable engine in war, so have we discovered the no 
less ingenious mode of maintaining peace by j)erpetual 
negotiations. 

A treaty, or, to speak more correctly, a negotiation, 



I 



THE PERIOD OF AMITY. 317 

therefore, according to the acceptation of experienced 
statesmen, learned in these matters, is no longer an at- 
tempt to accommodate differences, to ascertain rights, and 
to establish an equitable exchange of kind offices, but a 
contest of skill between two powers, which shall over- 
reach and take in the other. It is a cunning endeavor to 
obtain by peaceful manoeuvre, and the chicanery of cabi- 
nets, those advantages which a nation would otherwise 
have wrested by force of arms, — in the same manner as a 
conscientious highwayman reforms and becomes a quiet 
and praiseworthy citizen, contenting himself with cheat- 
ing his neighbor out of that property he would formerly 
have seized with open violence. 

In fact, the only time when two nations can be said to 
be in a state of perfect amity is, when a negotiation is 
open, and a treaty pending. Then, when there are no 
stipulations entered into, no bonds to restrain the will, 
no specific limits to awaken the captious jealousy of right 
implanted in our nature, when each party has some ad- 
vantage to hope and expect from the other, then it is 
that the two nations are wonderfully gracious and friend- 
ly, — their ministers professing the highest mutual regard, 
exchanging billets-doux, making fine speeches, and in- 
dulging in all those little diplomatic flirtations, coquet- 
ries, and fondlings, that do so marvellously tickle the 
good-humor of the respective nations. Thus it may para- 
doxically be said, tliat there is never so good an under- 
standing between two nations as when there is a little 



318 UIISTOEY OF NEW YORK. 

misunderstanding, — and that so long as they are on 
no terms at all, they are on the best terms in the 
world ! 

I do not by any means pretend to claim the merit of 
having made the above discovery. It has, in fact, long 
been secretly acted upon by certain enlightened cabinets, 
and is, together with divers other notable theories, pri- 
vately copied out of the commonplace book of an illustri- 
ous gentleman, who has been member of congress, and 
enjoyed the unlimited confidence of heads of depart- 
ments. To this principle may be ascribed the wonderful 
ingenuity shown of late years in protracting and inter- 
rupting negotiations. Hence the cunning measure of ap- 
pointing as ambassador some political pettifogger skilled 
in delays, sophisms, and misapprehensions, and dexterous 
in the art of baffling argument, — or some blundering 
statesman, whose errors and misconstructions may be a 
plea for refusing to ratify his engagements. And hence, 
too, that most notable expedient, so popular with our 
government, of sending out a brace of ambassadors, — be- 
tween whom, having each an individual will to consult, 
character to establish, and interest to promote, you may 
as well look for unanimity and concord as between two 
lovers with one mistress, two dogs with one bone, or two 
naked rogues with one pair of breeches. This disagree- 
ment, therefore, is continually breeding delays and impe- 
diments, in consequence of which the negotiation goes on 
swimmingly — inasmuch as there is no prospect of its ever 



i 



TROUBLE WHICH COMES FROM TREATIES. 319 

coming to a close. Nothing is lost by these delays and 
obstacles but time; and in a negotiation, according to 
the theory I liavf^ exposed, all time lost is in reality so 
much time gained : — with what delightful paradoxes does 
modern political economy abound ! 

Now all that I have here advanced is so notoriously 
true, that I almost blush to take up the time of my read- 
ers with treating of matters which must many a time have 
stared them in the face. But the proposition to which I 
Would most earnestly call their attention is this, that, 
though a negotiation be the most harmonizing of all 
national transactions, yet a treaty of peace is a great 
political evil, and one of the most fruitful sources of 
War. 

I have rarely seen an instance of any special contract 
between individuals that did not produce jealousies, bick- 
erings, and often downright ruptures between them ; nor 
did I ever know of a treaty between two nations that did 
not occasion continual misunderstandings. How many 
worthy country neighbors have I known, who, after liv- 
ing in peace and good-fellowship for years, have been 
thrown into a state of distrust, cavilling, and animosity, 
by some ill-starred agreement about fences, runs of 
water, and stray cattle ! And how many well-meaning 
nations, who would otherwise have remained in the 
most amicable disposition towards each other, have been 
brought to swords' points about the infringement or 
misconstruction of some treaty, which in an evil hour 



320 BISTORT OF NEW YORK 

they had concluded, by way of making their amity more 
sure ! 

Treaties at best are but complied with so long as inter- 
est requires their fulfilment ; consequently they are virtu- 
ally binding on the weaker party only, or, in plain truth, 
they are not binding at all. No nation will wantonly go 
to war with another if it has nothing to gain thereby, and 
therefore needs no treaty to restrain it from violence ; and 
if it have anything to gain, I much question, from what 
I have witnessed of the righteous conduct of nations, 
whether any treaty could be made so strong that it could 
not thrust the sword through, — nay, I would hold ten 
to one, the treaty itself would be the very source to 
which resort would be had to find a pretext for hostil- 
ities. 

Thus, therefore, I conclude, — that, though it is the best 
of all policies for a nation to keep up a constant negotia- 
tion with its neighbors, yet it is the summit of folly for it 
ever to be beguiled into a treaty ; for then comes on non- 
fulfilment and infraction, then remonstrance, then alter- 
cation, then retaliation, then recrimination, and finally 
open war. In a word, negotiation is like courtship, a time 
oi sweet words, gallant speeches, soft looks, and endear- 
ing caresses, — ^but the marriage ceremony is the signal for 
hostilities. 

If my painstaking reader be not somewhat perplexed 
by the ratiocination of the foregoing passage, he will per- 
ceive, at a glance, that the Great Peter, in concluding a 



TO OBEATEB THINGS. 321 

treaty with his eastern neighbors, was guilty of lamenta- 
ble error in policy. In fact, to this unlucky agreement 
may be traced a world of bickerings and heart-burnings, 
between the parties, about fancied or pretended infringe- 
ments of treaty-stipulations ; in all which the Yankees 
were prone to indemnify themselves by a " dig into the 
sides" of the New Netherlands. But, in sooth, these 
border feuds, albeit they gave great annoyance to the 
good burghers of Manna-hata, were so pitiful in their 
nature, that a grave historian like myself, who grudges 
the time spent in anything less than the revolutions of 
states and fall of empires, would deem them unworthy of 
being inscribed on his page. The reader is, therefore, to 
take it for granted, though I scorn to waste, in the detail, 
that time which my furrowed brow and trembling hand 
inform me is invaluable, that all the while the Great 
Peter was occupied in those tremendous and bloody con- 
tests which I shall shortly rehearse ; there was a con- 
tinued series of little, dirty, snivelling scourings, broils, 
and maraudings, kept up on the eastern frontiers by the 
moss-troopers of Connecticut. But, like that mirror of 
chivalry, the sage and valorous Don Quixote, I leave 
these petty contests for some future Sancho Panza of 
an historian, while I reserve my prowess and my pen 
for achievements of higher dignity ; for at this moment 
I hear a direful and portentous note issuing from the 
bosom of the great council of the league, and resounding 
throughout tlie regions of the east, menacing the fame 
21 



322 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

and fortunes of Peter Stuyvesant. I call, therefore, upon 
the reader to leave behind him all the paltry brawls of 
the Connecticut borders, and to press forward with me to 
the relief of our favorite hero, who, I foresee, will be 
wofully beset by the implacable Yankees in the next 
chapter. 



CHAPTER V. 



HOW PETER STUTVESANT WAS GRIEVOUSLY BELIED BY THE GREAT COUNCIL OP 
THE LEAGUE ; AND HOW HE SENT ANTONY THE TRUMPETER TO TAKE TO THE 
COUNCIL A PIECE OF HIS MIND. 



HAT the reader may be aware of the peril at 
this moment menacing Peter Stuyvesant and 
his capital, I must remind him of the old 
cliarge advanced in the council of the league in the time 
of William the Testy, that the Nederlanders were car- 
rying on a trade "damnable and injurious to the colo- 
nists," in furnishing the savages with " guns, powther, and 
shott." This, as I then suggested, was a crafty device of 
the Yankee confederacy to have a snug cause of war in 
petio, in case any favorable opportunity should present 
of attempting the conquest of the New Nederlands : the 
great object of Yankee ambition. 

Accordingly we now find, when every other ground of 
complaint had apparently been removed by treaty, this 
nefarious charge revived with tenfold virulence, and 
hurled like a thunderbolt at the very head of Peter 
Stuyvesant ; happily his head, like that of the great bull 
of the Wabash, was proof against such missiles. 

To be explicit, we are told that, in the year 1651, the 

323 



324 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

great confederacy of the east accused the immaculate 
Peter, the soul of honor and heart of steel, of secretly 
endeavoring, by gifts and promises, to instigate the Nar- 
roheganset, Mohaque, and Pequot Indians, to surprise 
and massacre the Yankee settlements. "For," as the 
grand council observed, "the Indians round about for 
divers hundred miles cercute seeme to have drunk deepe 
of an intoxicating cupp, att or from the Manhattoes 
against the English, whoe have sought their good, both 
in bodily and spirituall respects." 

This charge they pretended to support by the evidence 
of divers Indians, who were probably moved by that 
spirit of truth which is said to reside in the bottle, and 
who swore to the fact as sturdily as though they had 
been so many Christian troopers. 

Though descended from a family which suffered much 
injury from the losel Yankees of those times, my great- 
grandfather having had a yoke of oxen and his best 
pacer stolen, and having received a pair of black eyes and 
a bloody nose in one of these border wars, and my grand- 
father, when a very little boy tending pigs, having been 
kidnapped and severely flogged by a long-sided Connect- 
icut schoolmaster, — yet I should have passed over all 
these wrongs with forgiveness and oblivion, — I could 
even have suffered them to have broken Everet Duck- 
ing's head, — to have kicked the doughty Jacobus Van 
Curlet and his ragged regiment out of doors, — to have 
carried every hog into captivity, and depopulated every 



BASENESS OF THE YANKEES. 325 

hen-roost on the face of the earth with perfect impunity, 
— ^but this "wanton attack upon one of the most gallant- 
and irreproachable heroes of modern times is too much 
even for me to digest, and has overset, with a single puff, 
the patience of the historian, and the forbearance of the 
Dutchman. 

Oh, reader, it was false ! I swear to thee, it was false ! 
— if thou hast any respect to my word, — if the undeviat- 
ing character for veracity, which I have endeavored to 
maintain throughout this work, has its due weight upon 
thee, thou wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander ; 
for I pledge my honor and my immortal fame to thee, 
that the gallant Peter Stuyvesant was not only innocent 
of this foul conspiracy, but would have suffered his right 
arm or even his wooden leg to consume with slow and 
everlasting flames, rather than attempt to destroy his 
enemies in any other way than open, generous warfare ; 
— beshrew those caitiff scouts, that conspired to sully his 
honest name by such an imputation ! 

Peter Stuyvesant, though haply he may never have 
heard of a knight-errant, had as true a heart of chivalry 
as ever beat at the round table of King Arthur. In the 
honest bosom of this heroic Dutchman dwelt the seven 
noble virtues of knighthood, flourishing among his hardy 
qualities like wild flowers among rocks. He was, in 
truth, a hero of chivalry struck off l)y nature at a single 
heat, and though little care may have been taken to 
refine her workmanship, he stood forth a miracle of her 



326 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

skill. In all his dealings he was headstrong perhaps, 
but open and above-board ; if there was anything in the 
whole world he most loathed and despised, it was cun- 
ning and secret wile ; " straight forward " was his motto ; 
and he would at any time rather run his hard head 
against a stone wall than attempt to get round it. 

Such was Peter Stuyvesant ; and if my admiration of 
him has on this occasion transported my style beyond the 
sober gravity which becomes the philosophic recorder of 
historic events, I must plead as an apology, that, though 
a little gray-headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the 
down-hill of life, I still retain a lingering spark of that 
fire which kindles in the eye of youth when contemplat- 
ing the virtues of ancient worthies. Blessed, thrice and 
nine times blessed be the good St. Nicholas, if I have in- 
deed escaped that apathy which chills the sympathies of 
age and paralyzes every glow of enthusiasm. 

The first measure of Peter Stuyvesant, on hearing of 
this slanderous charge would have been worthy of a man 
who had studied for years in the chivalrous library of 
Don Quixote. Drawing his sword and laying it across 
the table, to put him in proper tune, he took pen in hand 
and indited a proud and lofty letter to the council of the 
league, reproaching them with giving ear to the slanders 
of heathen savages against a Christian, a soldier, and a 
cavalier ; declaring, that, whoever charged him with the 
plot in question, lied in his throat ; to prove which he 
offered to meet the president of the council or any of his 



ANTONY VAN CORLEAR. 327 

compeers, or their champion, Captain Alicxsander Par- 
tridg, that mighty man of Rhodes, in single combat, — 
wherein he trusted to vindicate his honor by tlie prowess 
of his arm. 

This missive was intrusted to his trumpeter and squire, 
Antony Van Corlear, that man of emergencies, with orders 
to travel night and day, sparing neither v/hip nor spur, 
seeing that he carried the vindication of his patron's fame 
in his saddle-bags. 

The loyal Antony accomplished his mission with great 
speed and considerable loss of leather. He delivered his 
missive with becoming ceremony, accompanying it with a 
flourish of defiance on his trumpet to the whole council, 
ending with a significant and nasal twang full in the face 
of Captain Partridg, who nearly jumped out of his skin 
in an ecstasy of astonishment. 

The grand council was composed of men too cool and 
practical to be put readily in a heat, or to indulge in 
knight-errantry ; and above all to run a tilt with such a 
fiery hero as Peter the Headstrong. They knew the ad- 
vantage, however, to have always a snug, justifiable cause 
of war in reserve with a neighbor, who had territories 
worth invading ; so they devised a reply to Peter Stuyve- 
sant, calculated to keep up the *' raw " which they had 
established. 

On receiving this answer, Antony Van Corlear re- 
mounted the Flanders mare wliich he always rode, and 
trotted merrily back to the Manhattoes, solacing himself 



328 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

by the way according to his wont ; twanging his trumpet 
like a very devil, so that the sweet valleys and banks of 
the Connecticut resounded with the warlike melody; 
bringing all the folks to the windows as he passed 
through Hartford and Pyquag, and Middletown, and all 
the other border towns, ogling and winking at the women, 
and making aerial wind-mills from the end of his nose at 
their husbands, and stopping occasionally in the villages 
to eat pumpkin-pies, dance at country frolics, and bundle 
with the Yankee lasses — whom he rejoiced exceedingly 
with his soul-stirring instrument. 



CHAPTEE VI. 



HOW PETER STUTVESANT DEMANDED A COURT OP HONOR — AND WHAT THE 
COURT OF HONOR AWARDED TO HIM. 



HE reply of the grand council to Peter Stuy- 
vesant was couched in the coolest and most 
diplomatic language. They assured him that 
"his confident denials of the barbarous plot alleged 
against him would weigh little against the testimony of 
divers sober and respectable Indians"; that "his guilt 
was proved to their perfect satisfaction," so that they 
must still require and seek due satisfaction and secmnty; 
ending with — " so we rest, sir — Yours in ways of right- 
eousness." 

I forbear to say how the lion-hearted Peter roared and 
ramped at finding himself more and moro entangled in 
the meshes thus artfully drawn round him by the know- 
ing Yankees. Impatient, however, of suffering so gross 
an aspersion to rest upon his honest name, he sent a 
second messenger to the council, reiterating his denial of 
the treachery imputed to him, and offering to submit his 
conduct to the scrutiny of a court of honor. His offer 
was readily accepted ; and now he looked forward with 

329 



330 BISTORT OF NEW YORK 

confidence to an august tribunal to be assembled at the 
Mauliattoes, formed of high-minded cavaliers, perad- 
venture governors and commanders of the confederate 
plantations, when the matter might be investigated 
by his peers, in a manner befitting his rank and dig- 
nity. 

While he was awaiting the arrival of such high func- 
tionaries, behold, one sunshiny afternoon there rode into 
the great gate of the Manhattoes two lean, hungry-look- 
ing Yankees, mounted on Narraganset pacers, with sad- 
dle-bags under their bottoms, and green satchels under 
their arms, who looked marvellously like two pettifogging 
attorneys beating the hoof from one county court to an- 
other in quest of lawsuits; and, in sooth, though they 
may liave j^assed under different names at the time, I 
have reason to suspect they were the identical varlets 
who had negotiated the worthy Dutch commissioners out 
of the Connecticut river. 

It was a rule with these indefatigable missionaries 
never to let the grass grow under their feet. Scarce had 
they, therefore, alighted at the inn and deposited their 
saddle-bags, than they made their way to the residence 
of the governor. They found him, according to custom, 
smoking his afternoon pipe on the " stoop," or bench at 
the porch of his house, and announced themselves, at 
once, as commissioners sent by the grand council of the 
east to investigate the truth of certain charges advanced 
against him. 



YANKEE EMISSARIES. 331 

The good Peter took his pipe from his mouth, and 
gazed at them for a moment in mute astonishment. By 
way of expediting business, they were proceeding on the 
spot to put some preliminary questions, — asking him, 
peradventure, whether he pleaded guilty or not guilty, 
considering him something in the light of a culprit at the 
bar, — when they were brought to a pause by seeing him 
lay down his pipe and begin to fumble with his walking- 
staff. For a moment those present would not have given 
lialf a crown for both the crowns of the commissioners ; 
but Peter Stuyvesant repressed his mighty wrath and 
stayed his hand ; he scanned the varlets from head to 
foot, satchels and all, with a look of ineffable scorn ; then 
strode into the house, slammed the door after him, and 
commanded that they should never again be admitted to 
Lis presence. 

The knowing commissioners winked to each other, and 
made a certificate on the spot that the governor had re- 
fused to answer their interrogatories or to submit to their 
examination. They then proceeded to rummage about the 
city for two or three days, in quest of what they called 
evidence, perplexing Indians and old women with their 
cross-questioning until they had stuffed their satchels 
and saddle-bags with all kinds of apocryphal tales, ru- 
mors, and calumnies ; with these they mounted their Nar- 
raganset pacers and travelled back to the grand council ; 
neither did the proud-hearted Peter trouble himself to 
hinder their researches nor impede their departure ; he 



332 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

was too mindful of their sacred character as envoys ; but 
I warrant me, had they played the same tricks with Will- 
iam the Testy, he would have had them tucked up by 
the waistband and treated to an aerial gambol on his pa- 
tent gallows. 



CHAPTEK VII. 

HOW "DRUM ECCLESIASTIC" WAS BEATEN THROUGHOUT COimECTICUT FOR A 
CRUSADE AGAINST THE NEW NETHERLANDS, AND HOW PETER STUYVESANT 
TOOK MEASURES TO FORTIFY HIS CAPITAL. 

HE grand council of the east held a solemn 
meeting on the return of their envoys. As no 
advocate appeared in behalf of Peter Stuyve- 
sant, everything went against him. His haughty refusal to 
submit to the questioning of the commissioners was con- 
strued into a consciousness of guilt. The contents of the 
satchels and saddle-bags were poured forth before the 
council and appeared a mountain of evidence. A pale, 
bilious orator took the floor, and declaimed for hours and 
in belligerent terms. He was one of those furious zealots 
who blows the bellows of faction until the whole furnace 
of politics is red-hot with sparks and cinders. What was 
it to him if he should set the house on fire, so that he 
might boil his pot by the blaze. He was from the bor- 
ders of Connecticut ; his constituents lived by marauding 
their Dutch neighbors, and were the greatest poachers in 
Christendom, excepting the Scotch border nobles. His 
eloquence had its effect, and it was determined to set on 
foot an expedition against the Nieuw Nederlands. 

333 



334: HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

It was necessary, however, to prepare the public mind 
for this measure. Accordingly the arguments of the ora- 
tor were echoed from the pulpit for several succeeding 
Sundays, and a crusade was preached up against Peter 
Stuyvesant and his devoted city. 

This is the first we hear of the "drum ecclesiastic" 
beating up for recruits in worldly warfare in our country. 
It has since been called into frequent use. A cunning 
politician often lurks under the clerical 7obe; things 
spiritual and things temporal are strangely jumbled to- 
gether, like drugs on an apothecary's shelf; and instead 
of a peaceful sermon, the simple seeker after righteous- 
ness has often a political pamphlet thrust down his 
throat, labelled with a pious text from Scripture. 

And now nothing was talked of but an expedition 
against the Manhattoes. It pleased the populace, who 
had a vehement prejudice against the Dutch, considering 
them a vastly inferior race, who had sought the new 
world for the lucre of gain, not the liberty of conscience ; 
who were mere heretics and infidels, inasmuch as they 
refused to believe in witches and sea-serpents, and had 
faith in the virtues of horse-shoes nailed to the door ; ate 
pork without molasses ; held pumpkins in contempt, and 
were in perpetual breach of the eleventh commandment 
of all true Yankees, "Thou shalt have codfish dinners on 
Saturdays." 

No sooner did Peter Stuyvesant get wind of the storm 
that was brewing in the east than he set to work to pre- 



THE MILITIA. 335 

pare for it. He was not one of those economical rulers, 
who postpone the expense of fortifying until the enemy is 
at the door. There is nothing, he would say, that keeps 
off enemies and crows more than the smell of gunpowder. 
He proceeded, therefore, with all diligence, to put the 
province and its metropolis in a posture of defence. 

Among the remnants which remained from the days of 
"William the Testy were the militia laws, — by which the 
inhabitants were obliged to turn out twice a year, with 
such military equipments as it pleased God, — and were 
put under the command of tailors and man-milliners, 
who, though on ordinary occasions they might have been 
the meekest, most pippin-hearted little men in the world, 
were very devils at parade, when they had cocked hats 
on their heads and swords by their sides. Under the 
instructions of these periodical warriors, the peaceful 
burghers of the Manhattoes were schooled in iron war, 
and became so hardy in the process of time, that they 
could march through sun and rain, from one end of the 
town to the other, without flinching, — and so intrepid and 
adroit, that they could face to the right, wheel to the 
left, and fire without winking or blinking. 

Peter Stuyvesant, like all old soldiers who have seen 
service and smelt gunpowder, had no great respect for 
militia troops ; however, he determined to give them a 
trial, and accordingly called for a general muster, inspec- 
tion, and review. But, oh Mars and Bellona ! what a 
turning-out was here ! Here came old Roelant Cuckaburt, 



336 ni8T0BY OF NEW TOBE. 

with a short blunderbuss on his shoulder, and a long 
horseman's sword trailing by his side ; and Barent Dirk- 
son, with something that looked like a copper kettle 
turned upside down on his head, and a couple of old 
horse-pistols in his belt ; and Dirk Yolkertson, with a 
long duck fowling-piece without any ramrod ; and a host 
more, armed higgledy-piggledy, — with swords, hatchets, 
snickersnees, crowbars, broomsticks, and what not ; the 
officers distinguished from the rest by having their 
slouched hats cocked up with pins, and surmounted with 
cock-tail feathers. 

The sturdy Peter eyed this nondescript host with some 
such rueful aspect as a man would eye the devil, and de- 
termined to give his feather-bed soldiers a seasoning. 
He accordingly put them through their manual exercise 
over and over again; trudged them backwards and for- 
wards about the streets of New Amsterdam until their 
short legs ached and their fat sides sweated again ; and 
finally encamped them in the evening on the summit of a 
hill without the city, to give them a taste of camp-life, 
intending the next day to renew the toils and perils of 
the field. But so it came to pass that in the night there 
fell a great and heavy rain, and melted away the army, 
so that in the morning, when Gaffer Phcebus shed his 
first beams upon the camp, scarce a warrior remained 
except Peter Stuyvesant and his trumpeter Van Corlear. 

This awful desolation of a whole army would have ap- 
palled a commander of less nerve ; but it served to con- 



THE BATTERY. 337 

firm Peter's -want of confidence in the militia system, 
wliicli he thenceforward used to call, in joke, — for he 
sometimes indulged in a joke, — William the Testy's 
broken reed. He now took into his service a goodly 
number of burly, broad-shouldered, broad - bottomed 
Dutchmen ; whom he paid in good silver and gold, and 
of whom he boasted, that, whether they could stand fire 
or not, they were at least waterproof. He fortified the 
city, too, with pickets and palisadoes, extending across 
the island from river to river, and, above all, cast up 
mud batteries, or redoubts, on the point of the island 
where it divided the beautiful bosom of the bay. 

These latter redoubts, in process of time, came to be 
pleasantly overrun by a carpet of grass and clover, and 
overshadowed by wide-spreading elms and sycamores, 
among the branches of which the birds would build their 
nests and rejoice the ear with their melodious notes. 
Under these trees, too, the old burghers would smoke 
their afternoon pipe, contemplating the golden sun as he 
sank in the west, an emblem of the tranquil end toward 
which they were declining. Here, too, would the young 
men and maidens of the town take their evening stroll, 
watching the silver moonbeams as they trembled along 
the calm bosom of the bay, or lit up the sail of some 
gliding bark, and peradventure interchanging the soft 
vows of honest afiection, — for to evening strolls in this 
favored spot were traced most of the marriages in New 
Amsterdam. 
22 



338 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Siicli was tlie origin of that renowned promenade, The 
Battery, wliich, though ostensibly devoted to the stern 
purposes of war, has ever been consecrated to the sweet 
delights of peace. The scene of many a gambol in happy 
childhood, — of many a tender assignation in riper years, 
of many a soothing walk in declining age, — the health- 
ful resort of the feeble invalid, — the Sunday refreshment 
of the dusty tradesman, — in fine, the ornament and de- 
light of New York, and the pride of the lovely island of 
Manna-hata. 



CHAPTEE VIII. 

HOW THE YANKEE CRUSADE AGAINST THE NEW NETHEBLANDS WAS BATTLED 
BY THE SUDDEN OUTBREAK OF WITCHCKAFT AMONG THE PEOPLE OF THE 
EAST. 

[•^^^wjlAYrN'G thus provided for tlie temporary secu- 
^sSK^ rity of New Amsterdam, and guarded it against 
JLiffl^lal; any sudden surprise, the gallant Peter took 
a hearty pinch of snuff, and snapping his fingers, set the 
great council of Amphictyons and their champion, the 
redoubtable Alicxsander Partridg, at defiance. In the 
mean time the moss-troopers of Connecticut, the war- 
riors of New Haven and Hartford, and Pyquag, other- 
wise called Weathersfield, famous for its onions and its 
witches, and of all the other border-towns, were in a 
prodigious turmoil, furbishing up their rusty weapons, 
shouting aloud for war, and anticipating easy conquests, 
and glorious rummaging of the fat little Dutch villages. 

In the midst of these warlike preparations, however, 
they received the chilling news that the colony of Massa- 
chusetts refused to back them in this righteous war. It 
seems that the gallant conduct of Peter Stuyvesant, the 
generous warmth of his vindication, and the chivalrous 
spirit of his defiance, though lost upon the grand council 
of the league, had carried conviction to the general court 

339 



340 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

of Massachusetts, whicli nobly refused to believe him 
guilty of the villanous plot laid at his door.* 

The defection of so important a colony paralyzed the 
councils of the league, some such dissension arose among 
its members as prevailed of yore in the camp of the brawl- 
ing warriors of Greece, and in the end the crusade against 
the Manhattoes was abandoned. 

It is said that the moss-troopers of Connecticut were 
sorely disappointed ; but well for them that their bellig- 
erent cravings were not gratified : for by my faith, what- 
ever might have been the ultimate result of a conflict with 
all the powers of the east, in the interim the stomachful 
heroes of Pyquag would have been choked with their own 
onions, and all the border-towns of Connecticut would 
have had such a scouring from the lion-hearted Peter and 
his robustious myrmidons, that I warrant me they would 
not have had the stomach to squat on the land or invade 
the hen-roost of a Nederlander for a century to come. 

But it was not merely the refusal of Massachusetts to 
join in their unholy crusade that confounded the councils 
of the league ; for about this time broke out in the New-- 
England provinces the awful plague of witchcraft, which 
spread like pestilence through the land. Such a howling 
abomination could not be suffered to remain long unno- 
ticed ; it soon excited the fiery indignation of those 
guardians of the commonwealth who whilom had evinced 

* Hazard's State Papers. 



WITCHCRAFT. 341 

such active benevolence in the conversion of Quakers and 
Anabaptists. The grand council of the league publicly 
set their faces against the crime, and bloody laws were 
enacted against all " solem conversing or compacting with 
the divil by way of conjuracion or the like."* Strict 
search, too, was made after witches, who were easily de- 
tected by devil's pinches, — by being able to weep but 
three tears, and those out of the left eye, — and by hav- 
ing a most suspicious predilection for black cats and 
broomsticks ! What is particularly worthy of admiration 
is, that this terrible art, which has baffled the studies 
and researches of philosophers, astrologers, theurgists, 
and other sages, was chiefly confined to the most ignorant, 
decrepit, and ugly old women in the community, with 
scarce more brains than the broomsticks they rode upon. 

When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who dearly 
love to be in a panic, are always ready to keep it up. 
Eaise but the cry of yellow fever, and immediately every 
headache, indigestion, and overflowing of the bile is pro- 
nounced the terrible epidemic; cry out mad dog, and 
every unlucky cur in the street is in jeopardy : so in the 
present instance, whoever was troubled with colic or 
lumbago was sure to be bewitched, — and woe to any un- 
lucky old woman living in the neighborhood ! 

It is incredible the number of offences that were de- 
tected, "for every one of which," says the reverend Cot- 

* New Plymouth record. 



342 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ton Mather, in that excellent work the History of New 
^England, "we have such a sufficient evidence, that no 
reasonable man in this whole country ever did question 
them ; and it ivill he unreasonable to do it in any other." * 

Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian John 
Josselyn, Gent., furnishes us with unquestionable facts 
on this subject. " There are none," observes he, " that 
beg in this country, but there be witches too many, — 
bottle-bellied witches, and others, that produce many 
strange apparitions, if you will believe report, of a shal- 
lop at sea manned with women, — and of a ship and great 
red horse standing by the main-mast ; the ship being in a 
small cove to the eastward, vanished of a sudden," etc. 

The number of delinquents, however, and their magi- 
cal devices, were not more remarkable than their diaboli- 
cal obstinacy. Though exhorted in the most solemn, 
persuasive, and affectionate manner to confess themselves 
guilty, and be burnt for the good of religion and the 
entertainment of the public, yet did they most pertina- 
ciously persist in asserting their innocence. Such in- 
credible obstinacy was in itself deserving of immediate 
punishment, and was sufficient proof, if proof were neces- 
sary, that they were in league with the devil, who is per- 
verseness itself. But their judges were just and merciful, 
and were determined to punish none that were not con- 
victed on the best of testimony; not that they needed 

* Mather's Hist. New Eng. B. 6, ch. 7. 



WITCHCRAFT. 343 

any evidence to satisfy their own minds, — for, like true 
and experienced Judges, their minds were perfectly made 
up, and they w^ere thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of the 
prisoners before they proceeded to try them, — but still 
something was necessary to convince the community at 
large, — to quiet those prying quidnuncs who should come 
after them, — in short, the world must be satisfied. Oh, 
the world — the world ! — all the world knows the world of 
trouble the world is eternally occasioning ! The worthy 
judges therefore, were driven to the necessity of sifting, 
detecting, and making evident as noonday, matters which 
were at the commencement all clearly understood and 
firmly decided upon in their own pericraniums, — so that 
it may truly be said, that the witches were burnt to grat- 
ify the populace of the day, but were tried for the satis- 
faction of the whole world that should come after tliem ! 

Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, sound rea- 
son, nor friendly entreaty had any avail on these har- 
dened offenders, they resorted to the more urgent argu- 
ments of torture ; and having thus absolutely wrung the 
trutli from their stubborn lips, they condemned them to 
undergo the roasting due unto the heinous crimes they 
had confessed. Some even carried their perverseness 
so far as to expire under the torture, protesting their 
innocence to the last ; but these were looked upon as 
thoroughly and absolutely possessed by the devil ; and 
the pious by-standers only lamented that they had not 
lived a little longer, to have perished in the flames. 



344 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

In the city of Ephesus, we are told that the plague was 
expelled by stoning a ragged old beggar to death, whom 
Apollonius pointed out as being the evil spirit that 
caused it, and who actually showed himself to be a 
demon, by changing into a shagged dog. In like manner, 
and by measures equally sagacious, a salutary check was 
given to this growing evil. The witches were all burnt, 
banished, or panic-struck, and in a little while there was 
not an ugly old woman to be found throughout New Eng- 
land, — which is doubtless one reason why all the young 
women there are so handsome. Those honest folk who 
had suffered from their incantations gradually recov- 
ered, excepting such as had been afflicted with twitches 
and aches, which, however, assumed the less alarming as- 
pects of rheumatisms, sciatics, and lumbagos ; and the 
good people of New England, abandoning the study of 
the occult sciences, turned their attention to the more 
profit-able hocus-pocus of trade, and soon became expert 
in the legerdemain art of turning a penny. Still, how- 
ever, a tinge of the old leaven is discernible, even unto 
this day, in their characters : witches occasionally start 
up among them in different disguises, as physicians, civil- 
ians, and divines. The people at large show a keenness, 
a cleverness, and a profundity of wisdom, that savors 
strongly of witchcraft ; and it has been remarked, that, 
whenever any stones fall from the moon, the greater part 
of them is sure to tumble into New England ! 



CHAPTER IX. 

WHICH RECORDS THE RISE AND RENOWN OF A MILITARY COMMANDER, SHOWING 
THAT A MAN, LIKE A BLADDER, MAY BE PUFFED UP TO GREATNESS BY MERE 
WIND ; TOGETHER WITH THE CATASTROPHE OF A VETERAN AND HIS QUEUE. 

HEN treating of these tempestuous times, the 
unknown writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript 
breaks out into an apostrophe in praise of the 
good St. Nicholas, to whose protecting care he ascribes 
the dissensions which broke out in the council of the 
league, and the direful witchcraft which filled all Yankee 
land as with Egyptian darkness. 

A portentous gloom, says he, hung lowering over the 
fair valleys of the East : the pleasant banks of the Con- 
necticut no longer echoed to the sounds of rustic gayety ; 
grisly phantoms glided about each wild brook and silent 
glen ; fearful apparitions were seen in the air ; strange 
voices were heard in solitary places ; and the border- 
towns were so occupied in detecting and punishing losel 
witches, that, for a time, all talk of war was suspended, 
and New Amsterdam and its inhabitants seemed to be to- 
tally forgotten. 

I must not conceal the fact that at one time there was 
some danger of this plague of witchcraft extending into 

345 



346 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

the New Netherlands ; and certain witches, mounted on 
broomsticks, are said to have been seen whisking iu the 
air over some of the Dutch villages near the borders; 
but the worthy Nederlanders took the precaution to nail 
horse-shoes to their doors, which it is well known are 
effectual barriers against all diabolical vermin of the kind. 
Many of those horse-shoes may be seen at this very day 
on ancient mansions and barns, remaining from the days 
of the patriarchs : nay, the custom is still kept up among 
some of our legitimate Dutch yeomanry, who inherit from 
their forefathers a desire to keep witches and Yankees 
out of the country. 

And now the great Peter, having no immediate hostility 
to apprehend from the east, turned his face, with charac- 
teristic vigilance, to his southern frontiers. The attentive 
reader will recollect that certain freebooting Swedes had 
become very troublesome in this quarter in the latter part 
of the reign of William the Testy, setting at naught the 
proclamations of that veritable potentate, and putting his 
admiral, the intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendam, to a perfect 
nonplus. To check the incursions of these Swedes, Peter 
Stuyvesant now ordered a force to that frontier, giving 
the command of it to General Jacobus Van Poffenburgh, 
an officer who had risen to great importance during the 
reign of Wilhelmus Kieft. He had, if histories speak 
true, been second in command to the doughty Van Curlet, 
when he and his warriors were inhumanly kicked out of 
Fort Goed Hoop by the Yankees. In that memorable af- 



VAN FOFFENBUBGH. 347 

fair Yan Poffenburgh is said to have received moie kicks 
in a certain lionorable part than any of his comrades, in 
consequence of which, on tlie resignation of Van Curlet, 
he had been promoted to his place, being considered a 
hero who had seen service, and suffered in his country's 
cause. 

It is tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that 
heaven infuses into some men at their birth a portion of 
intellectual gold, into others of intellectual silver, while 
others are intellectually furnished with iron and brass. 
Of the last class was General Van Poffenburgh ; and it 
would seem as if dame Nature, who will sometimes be 
partial, had given him brass enough for a dozen ordinary 
braziers. All this he had contrived to pass off upon 
William the Testy for genuine gold ; and the little gover- 
nor would sit for hours and listen to his gunpowder 
stories of exploits, which left those of Tirante the White, 
Don Belianis of Greece, or St. George and the Dragon 
quite in the background. Having been promoted by 
William Kieft to the command of his whole disposable 
forces, he gave importance to his station by the grandilo- 
quence of his bulletins, always styling himself Command- 
er-in-chief of the Armies of the New Netherlands, though 
in sober truth, these armies were nothing more than a 
handful of hen-stealing, bottle-bruising ragamuffins. 

In person he was not very tall, but exceedingly round ; 
neither did his bulk proceed from his being fat, but 
windy, being blown up by a prodigious conviction of his 



34:8 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

own importance, until lie resembled one of those bags of 
wind given bj ^olns, in an incredible fit of generosity, 
to that vagabond warrior Ulysses. His windy endow- 
ments had long excited the admiration of Antony Yan 
Corlear, who is said to have hinted more than once to 
William the Testy, that in making Yan Poffenburgh a 
general he had spoiled an admirable trumpeter. 

As it is the practice in ancient story to givs the reader 
a description of the arms and equipments of every noted 
warrior, I will bestow a word uj)on the dress of this re- 
doubtable commander. It comported with his character, 
being so crossed and slashed, and embroidered with lace 
and tinsel, that he seemed to have as much brass without 
as nature had stored away within. He was swathed, too, 
in a crimson sash, of the size and texture of a fishing-net, 
— doubtless to keep his swelling heart from bursting 
through his ribs. His face glowed with furnace-heat 
from between a huge pair of well-powdered whiskers ; 
and his valorous soul seemed ready to bounce out of a 
pair of large, glassy, blinking eyes, projecting like those 
of a lobster. 

I swear to thee, worthy reader, if history and tradition 
belie not this warrior, I would give all the money in my 
pocket to have seen him accoutred cap-a-pie, — booted 
to the middle, sashed to the chin, collared to the ears, 
whiskered to the teeth, crowned with an overshadowing 
cocked hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches 
broad, from which trailed a falchion, of a length that I 



VAJ}^ POFFENBUBQH. 349 

dare not mention. Thus equipped, he strutted about, as 
bitter-looking a man of war as the far-famed More, of 
More-hall, when he sallied forth to slay the dragon of 
Wantley. For what says the ballad ? 

" Had you but seen him in this dress, 

How fierce he looked and how big, 
You would have thought him for to be 

Some Egyptian poreupig. 
He frighted all — cats, dogs, and all, 

Each cow, each horse, and each hog ; 
For fear they did flee, for they took him to be 

Some strange outlandish hedge-hog. " * 

I must confess this general, with all his outward valor 
and yentosity, was not exactly an officer to Peter Stuyve- 
sant's taste, but he stood foremost in the army list of 
AVilliam the Testy ; and it is probable the good Peter, 
who was conscientious in his dealings with all men, and 
had his military notions of precedence, thought it but fair 
to give him a chance of proving his right to his dignities. 

To this copper captain, therefore, was confided the 
command of the troops destined to protect the southern 
frontier ; and scarce had he departed for his station than 
bulletins began to arrive from him, describing his un- 
daunted march through savage deserts, over insurmount- 
able mountains, across impassable rivers, and thrDugh 
impenetrable forests, conquering vast tracts of uninhab- 

* Ballad of Dragon of Wantley, 



350 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ited country, and encountering more perils than did 
Xenophon in liis far-famed retreat witli his ten thousand 
Grecians. 

Peter Stujvesant read all these grandiloquent de- 
spatches with a dubious screwing of the mouth and shak- 
ing of the head ; but Antony Van Corlear repeated these 
contents in the streets and market-places with an appro- 
priate flourish upon his trumpet, and the windy victories 
of the general resounded through the streets of New Am- 
sterdam. 

On arriving at the southern frontier, Yan Poffenburgh 
proceeded to erect a fortress, or stronghold, on the South 
or Delaware river. At first he bethought him to call 
it Fort Stuyvesant, in honor of the governor, — a lowly 
kind of homage prevalent in our country among spec- 
ulators, military commanders, and office-seekers of all 
kinds, by which our maps come to be studded with the 
names of political patrons and temporary great men ; in 
the present instance. Van Poffenburgh carried his hom- 
age to the most lowly degree, giving his fortress the name 
of Fort Casimir, in honor, it is said, of a favorite pair of 
brimstone trunk-breeches of his Excellency. 

As this fort will be found to give rise to important 
events, it may be worth while to notice that it was after- 
wards called Nieuw Amstel, and was the germ of the 
present flourishing town of New Castle, or, more properly 
speaking, No Castle, there being nothing of the kind on 
the premises. 



VAN POFFENBURGn. 351 

His fortress being finished, it would have done any 
man's heart good to behold the swelling dignity with 
which the general would stride in and out a dozen times 
a day, surveying it in front and in rear, on this side and 
on that ; how he would strut backwards and forwards, in 
full regimentals, on the top of the ramparts, — like a vain- 
glorious cock-pigeon, swelling and vaporing on the top of 
a dove-cot. 

There is a kind of valorous spleen which, like wind, is 
apt to grow unruly in the stomachs of newly made sol- 
diers, compelling them to box-lobby brawls and broken- 
headed quarrels, unless there can be found some more 
harmless way to give it vent. It is recorded in the de- 
lectable romance of Pierce Forest, that a young knight, 
being dubbed by King Alexander, did incontinently gal- 
lop into an adjacent forest and belabor the trees with 
such might and main, that he not merely eased off the 
sudden effervescence of his valor, but convinced the 
whole court that he was the most potent and courageous 
cavalier on the face of the earth. In like manner the 
commander of Fort Casimir, when he found his martial 
spirit waxing too hot within him, would sally forth into 
the fields and lay about him most lustily with his sabre, 
— decapitating cabbages by platoons, hewing down lofty 
sunflowers, which he termed gigantic Swedes, and if, 
perchance, he espied a colony of big-bellied pumpkins 
quietly basking in the sun, — " Ah ! caitiff Yankees," 
would he roar, " have I caught yo at last? " — So saying, 



352 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

with one sweep of liis sword he would cleave the unhap- 
py vegetables from their chins to their waistbands ; by 
which warlike havoc his choler being in some sort al- 
layed, he would return into the fortress with the full con- 
viction that he was a very miracle of military prowess. 

He was a disciplinarian, too, of the first order. Woe 
to any unlucky soldier who did not hold up his head and 
turn out his toes when on parade, or who did not salute 
the general in proper style as he passed. Having one 
day, in his Bible researches, encountered the history of 
Absalom and his melancholy end, the general bethought 
him, that, in a country abounding with forests, his sol- 
diers were in constant risk of a like catastrophe; he 
therefore, in an evil hour, issued orders for cropping the 
hair of both officers and men throughout the garrison. 

Now, so it happened, that among his officers was a 
sturdy veteran named Keldermeester, who had cherished, 
through a long life, a mop of hair not a little resembling 
the shag of a Newfoundland dog, terminating in a queue 
like the handle of a frying-pan, and queued so tightly to 
his head that his eyes and mouth generally stood ajar, 
and his eyebrows were drawn up to the top of his fore- 
head. It may naturally be supposed that the possessor 
of so goodly an appendage would resist with abhorrence 
an order condemning it to the shears. On hearing the 
general orders, he discharged a tempest of veteran, sol- 
dier-like oath§, and dunder and blixums, — swore he 
would break any man's head who attempted to meddle 



KELDERMEE8TER. 353 

with his tail, — queued it stiffer than ever, and whisked it 
about the garrison as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile. 

The eel-skin queue of old Keldermeester became in- 
stantly an affair of the utmost importance. The Com- 
mander-in-chief was too enlightened an officer not to 
perceive that the discipline of the garrison, the subordi- 
nation and good order of the armies of the Nieuw Neder- 
lands, the consequent safety of the whole province, and 
ultimately the dignity and prosperity of their High 
Mightinesses the Lords States General, imperiously de- 
manded the docking of that stubborn queue. He de- 
creed, therefore, that old Keldermeester should be pub- 
licly shorn of his glories in presence of the whole garri- 
son ; the old man as resolutely stood on the defensive; 
whereupon he wa^ arrested, and tried by a courl .xiartial 
for mutiny, desertion, and all the other list of offences 
noticed in the articles of war, ending with a " videlicet, 
in wearing an eel-skin queue, three feet long, contrary to 
orders." Then came on arraignments, and trials, and 
pleadings ; and the whole garrison was in a ferment 
about this unfortunate queue. As it is well known that 
the commander of a frontier post has the power of acting 
pretty much after his own will, tliere is little doubt but 
tliat the veteran would have been hanged or shot at least, 
had he not luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere 
chagrin and mortification, — and deserted from all earthly 
command, with his beloved locks unviolated. His obsti- 
nacy remained unshaken to the very last moment, when 
23 



354 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

lie directed that lie sliould be carried to his grave with 
his eel-skin queue sticking out of a hole in his coffin. 

This magnanimous affair obtained the general great 
credit as a disciplinarian ; but it is hinted that he was 
ever afterwards subject to bad dreams and fearful visi- 
tations in the night, when the grizzly spectrum of old 
Keldermeester would stand sentinel by his bedside, erect 
as a pump, his enormous queue strutting out like the 
handle, 




BOOE VI 



CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE HEADSTRONG, 
AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE. 



CHAPTER I. 



IN Wnicn IS EXHIBITED A WAKLIKE rOUVKAIT OF THE flUEAT PETER — OF THR 
WINDY CONTEST OF GENERAL VAN POFFENBUKOn AND GENEUAL PKINTZ, AND 
OF THE MOSQUITO WAR ON THE DELAWARE. 

ITHERTO, most venerable and courteous read- 
er, have I shown thee the administration of the 
valorous Stuyvesant, under the mild moonshine 
of peace, or rather the grim tranquillity of awful expec- 
tation ; but now the war-drum rumbles from afar, the 
brazen trumpet brays its thrilling note, and the rude 
crash of hostile arms speaks fearful prophecies of coming 
troubles. The gallant warrior starts from soft repose, 

355 




356 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

from golden visions and voluptuous ease, where in the 
dulcet, "piping time of peace" he sought sweet solace 
after all his toils. No more in beauty's siren lap reclin- 
ed, he weaves fair garlands for his lady's brows ; no more 
entwines with flowers his shining sword, nor through the 
livelong lazy summer's day chants forth his love-sick soul 
in madrigals. To manhood roused, he spurns the amor- 
ous flute ; dofi's from his brawny back the robe of peace, 
and clothes his pampered limbs in panoply of steel. 
O'er his dark brow, where late the myrtle waved, where 
wanton roses breathed enervate love, he rears the beam- 
ing casque and nodding plume ; grasps the bright shield, 
and shakes the ponderous lance ; or mounts with eager 
pride his fiery steed, and burns for deeds of glorious 
chivalry ! 

But soft, worthy reader ! I would not have you imagine 
that any preux chevalier, thus hideously begirt with iron, 
existed in the city of New Amsterdam. This is but a 
lofty and gigantic mode, in which we heroic writers al- 
ways talk of war, thereby to give it a noble and imposing 
aspect, — equipping our warriors with bucklers, helms, 
and lances, and such like outlandish and obsolete weap- 
ons, the like of which perchance they had never seen or 
heard of, — in the same manner that a cunning statuary 
arrays a modern general or an admiral in the accoutre- 
ments of a Caesar or an Alexander. The simple truth, 
then, of all this oratorical flourish is this, that the vali- 
ant Peter Stuyvesant all of a sudden found it necessary 



PETER IN WARRIOR'S ARRAY. 357 

to scour his rusty blade, which too long had rusted in its 
scabbard, and prepare himself to undergo those hardy 
toils of war in which his mighty soul so much de- 
lighted. 

Methinks I at this moment behold him in my imagina- 
tion, or rather, I behold his goodly portrait, which still 
hangs up in the family mansion of the Stuyvesants, ar- 
rayed in all the terrors of a true Dutch general. His 
regimental coat of German blue, gorgeously decorated 
with a goodly show of large brass buttons, reaching from 
his waistband to his chin ; the voluminous skirts turned 
up at the corners and separating gallantly behind, so 
as to display the seat of a sumptuous pair of brim- 
stone-colored trunk-breeches, — a graceful style still prev- 
alent among the warriors of our day, and which is in 
conformity to the custom of ancient heroes, who scorned 
to defend themselves in rear. His face rendered ex- 
ceeding terrible and warlike by a pair of black musta- 
chios ; his hair strutting out on each side in stiffly poma- 
tumed ear-locks, and descending in a rat-tail queue below 
his waist ; a shining stock of black leather supporting 
his chin, and a little but fierce cocked hat, stuck with a 
gallant and fiery air over his left eye. Such was the 
chivalric port of Peter the Headstrong ; and when he 
made a sudden halt, planted himself firmly on his solid 
supporter, with his wooden leg, inlaid with silver, a lit- 
tle in advance, in order to strengthen his position, his 
right hand grasping a gold-headed cane, his left resting 



358 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

upon the pummel of his sword, his head dressing spirit- 
edly to the right, with a most appalling and hard-favored 
frown ujDon his brow, — he presented altogether one of the 
most commanding, bitter-looking, and soldier-like figures 
that ever strutted upon canvas.^ — Proceed we now to in- 
quire the cause of this warlike preparation. 

In the preceding chapter we have spoken of the found- 
ing of Fort Casimir, and of the merciless warfare waged 
by its commander upon cabbages, sunflowers, and pump- 
kins, for want of better occasion to flesh his sword. Now 
it came to pass, that, higher up the Delaware, at his 
stronghold of Tinnekonk, resided one Jan Printz, who 
styled himself Governor of New Sweden. If history be- 
lie not this redoubtable Swede, he was a rival worthy of 
the windy and inflated commander of Fort Casimir, for 
master David Pieterzen de Vrie, in his excellent book of 
voyages, describes him as " weighing upwards of four 
hundred pounds," a huge feeder and bowser in propor- 
tion, taking three potations pottle-deep at every meal. 
He had a garrison after his own heart at Tinnekonk, — 
guzzling, deep-drinking swashbucklers, who made the 
wild woods ring with their carousals. 

No sooner did this robustious commander hear of the 
erection of Fort Casimir, than he sent a message to Van 
Poffenburgh, warning him off the land, as being within 
the bounds of his jurisdiction. 

To this, General Van Poffenburgh replied that the land 
belonged to their High Mightinesses, having been regu- 



BLU8TERIN0 WARFARE. 359 

larly purchased of tlie natives, as discoverers from the 
Manhattoes, as witness the breeches of their land-meas- 
urer Ten Broeck. 

To this the governor rejoined that the land had previ- 
ously been sold by the Indians to the Swedes, and conse- 
quently was under the petticoat government of her Swed- 
ish majesty, Christina; and woe be to any mortal that 
wore breeches who should dare to meddle even with the 
hem of her sacred garment. 

I forbear to dilate upon the war of words which was 
kept up for some time by these windy commanders ; Van 
Poffenburgh, however, had served under William the Tes- 
ty, and Avas a veteran in this kind of warfare. Governor 
Printz, finding he was not to be dislodged by these long 
shots, now determined upon coming to closer quarters. 
Accordingly, he descended the river in great force and 
fume, and erected a rival fortress just one Swedish mile 
below Fort Casimir, to which he gave the name of Hel- 
senburg. 

And now commenced a tremendous rivalry between 
these two doughty commanders, striving to out-strut and 
out-swell each other like a couple of belligerent turkey- 
cocks. There was a contest who should run up the tall- 
est flag-staff and display the broadest flag ; all day long 
there was a furious rolling of drums and twanging of 
trumpets in either fortress, and whichever had the wind 
in its favor would keep up a continual firing of can- 
non, to taunt its antagonist with the smell of gunpowder. 



360 HI8T0BT OF NEW YORK. 

On all these points of windy warfare the antagonists 
•were well matched; but so it happened, that, the 
Swedish fortress being lower down the river, all the 
Dutch vessels bound to Fort Casimir with supplies 
Lad to pass it. Governor Printz at once took advan- 
tage of this circumstance, and compelled them to lower 
their flags as they passed under the guns of his bat- 
tery. 

This was a deadly wound to the Dutch pride of General 
Yan Poffenburgh, and sorely would he swell when from 
the ramparts of Fort Casimir he beheld the flag of their 
High Mightinesses struck to the rival fortress. To 
heighten his vexation. Governor Printz, who, as has been 
shown, was a huge trencherman, took the liberty of hav- 
ing the first rummage of every Dutch merchant-ship, and 
securing to himself and his guzzling garrison all the little 
round Dutch cheeses, all the Dutch herrings, the ginger- 
bread, the sweetmeats, the curious stone jugs of gin, and 
all the other Dutch luxuries, on their way for the solace 
of Fort Casimir. It is possible he may have paid to the 
Dutch skippers the full value of their commodities ; but 
what consolation was this to Jacobus Van Poffenburgh and 
his garrison, who thus found their favorite supplies cut off, 
and diverted into the larders of the hostile camp? For 
some time this war of the cupboard was carried on to the 
great festivity and jollification of the Swedes, while the 
warriors of Fort Casimir found their hearts, or rather 
their stomachs, daily failing them. At length the sum- 



MOSQUITOES TRIUMPHANT. 361 

mer heats and summer showers set in, and now, lo and 
behold, a great miracle was wrought for the relief of the 
Nederlands, not a little resembling one of the plagues of 
Egypt ; for it came to pass that a great cloud of mosqui- 
toes arose out of the marshy borders of the river and set- 
tled upon the fortress of Helsenburg, being, doubtless, 
attracted by the scent of the fresh blood of these Swed- 
ish gormandizers. Nay, it is said that the body of Jan 
Printz alone, which was as big and as full of blood as that 
of a prize-ox, was sufficient to attract the mosquitoes from 
every part of the country. For some time the garrison 
endeavored to hold out, but it was all in vain ; the mos- 
quitoes penetrated into every chink and crevice, and gave 
them no rest day nor night; and as to Governor Jan 
Printz, he moved about as in a cloud, with mosquito mu- 
sic in his ears, and mosquito stings to the very end of 
his nose. Finally the garrison was fairly driven out of 
the fortress, and obliged to retreat to Tinnekonk; nay, it 
is said that the mosquitoes followed Jan Printz even 
thither, and absolutely drove him out of the country; 
certain it is, he embarked for Sweden shortly afterwards, 
and Jan Claudius Eisingh was sent to govern New Swe- 
den in his stead. 

Such was the famous mosquito war on the Delaware, of 
which General Van Poffenburgh would fain have been the 
hero ; but the devout people of the Nieuw Nederlands 
always ascribed the discomfiture of the Swedes to the 
miraculous intervention of St. Nicholas. As to the 



362 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

fortress of Helsenburg, it fell to ruin ; but the story of its 
strange destruction was perpetuated by the Swedish name 
of Myggen-borg, that is to say, Mosquito Castle.* 

* Acrelius's History N. Sweden. For some notice of this miraculotis 
discomfiture oi the Swedes, see N. Y. His. Col., aew series, Vol. I. p. 412. 



CHAPTER n. 

OP JAN RISINGH, HIS GIANTLY PERSON AND CRAFTY DEEDS; AND OP THE 
CATASTROPHE AT FORT CASIMIR. 

AN CLAUDIUS KISINGH, who succeeded to 
the command of New Sweden, looms largely 
in ancient records as a gigantic Swede, who, 
had he not been rather knock-kneed and splay-footed, 
might have served for the model of a Samson or a 
Hercules. He was no less rapacious than mighty, and, 
withal, as crafty as he was rapacious ; so that there is very 
little doubt, that, had he lived some four or five centuries 
since, he would have figured as one of those wicked giants 
who took a cruel pleasure in pocketing beautiful prin- 
cesses and distressed damsels, when gadding about the 
world, and locking them up in enchanted castles, without 
a toilet, a change of linen, or any other convenience. In 
consequence of which enormities they fell under the high 
displeasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal, and gallant 
knights were instructed to attack and' slay outright any 
miscreant they might happen to find above six feet high ; 
which is doubtless one reason why the race of large men 
is nearly extinct, and the generations of latter ages are so 
exceedingly smalL 

363 



364 BISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

Governor Eisingh, notwithstanding his giantly condi- 
tion, was, as I have hinted, a man of craft. He was not a 
man to ruffle the vanity of General Van Poflfenburgh, or 
to rub his self-conceit against the grain. On the contrary, 
as he sailed up the Delaware, he paused before Fort Cas- 
imir, displayed his flag, and fired a royal salute before 
dropping anchor. The salute would doubtless have been 
returned, had not the guns been dismounted ; as it was, a 
veteran sentinel, who had been napping at his post, and 
had sufi'ered his match to go out, returned the compli- 
ment by dischOiiging his musket with the spark of a jDipe 
borrowed from a comrade. Governor Eisingh accepted 
this as a courteous reply, and treated the fortress to a 
second salute, well knowing its commander was apt to be 
marvellously delighted with these little ceremonials, con- 
sidering them so many acts of homage paid to his great- 
ness. He then prepared to land with a military retinue 
of thirty men, a prodigious pageant in the wilderness. 

And now took place a terrible rummage and racket in 
Fort Casimir, to receive such a visitor in proper style, 
and to make an imposing appearance. The main guard 
was turned out as soon as possible, equipped to the best 
advantage in the few suits of regimentals, which had to 
do duty by turns with the whole garrison. One tall, lank 
fellow appeared in a little man's coat, with the buttons 
between his shoulders; the skirts scarce covering his 
bottom ; his hands hanging like spades out of the sleeves 
and the coat linked in front by worsted loops made out of 



A MILITARY RECEPTION. 365 

a pair of red garters. Another had a cocked hat stuck 
on the back of his head, and decorated with a bunch of 
cock's tails ; a third had a pair of rusty gaiters hanging 
about his heels ; while a fourth, a little duck-legged fellow, 
was equipped in a pair of the general's cast-off breeches, 
which he held up with one hand while he grasped his 
firelock with the other. The rest were accoutred in simi- 
lar style, except three ragamuffins without shirts, and 
with but a pair and a half of breeches between them ; 
wherefore they were sent to the black hole, to keep them 
out of sight, that they might not disgrace the fortress. 

His men being thus gallantly arrayed, — those who 
lacked muskets shouldering spades and pickaxes, and 
every man being ordered to tuck in his shirt-tail and pull 
up his brogues, — General Van Poffenburgh first took a 
sturdy draught of foaming ale, which, like the magnani- 
mous More of More-hall,* was his invariable practice on 
all great occasions ; this done, he put himself at their 
head, and issued forth from his castle, like a mighty 
giant, just refreshed with wine. But when the two heroes 
met, then began a scene of warlike parade that beggars 
all description. The shrewd Risingh, who had grown 
gray much before his time in consequence of his crafti- 
ness, saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great 

* " . . . . as soon as he rose, 

To make him strong and mighty, 
He drank by the tale, six pots of ale, 
And a quart of aqua vitjB." 

Dragon of Wantley, 



366 EI8T0BT OF NEW TORE. 

Van Poffenburgli, and humored him in all his valorous 
fantasies. 

Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in front 
of each other; they carried arms and they presented 
arms ; they gave the standing salute and the passing 
salute ; they rolled their drums, they flourished their 
fifes, and they waved their colors ; they faced to the left, 
and they faced to the right, and they faced to the right- 
about; they wheeled forward, and they wheeled back- 
ward, and they wheeled into eclidlon; they marched and 
they countermarched, by grand divisions, by single divis- 
ions, and by subdivisions ; by platoons, by sections, and 
by files ; in quick time, in slow time, and in no time at 
all; for, having gone through all the evolutions of two 
great armies, including the eighteen manoeuvres of Dun- 
das ; having exhausted all they could recollect or imag- 
ine of military tactics, including sundry strange and ir- 
regular evolutions, the like of which were never seen 
before nor since, excepting among certain of our newly 
raised militia, — the two commanders and their respective 
troops came at length to a dead halt, completely ex- 
hausted by the toils of war. Never did two valiant train- 
band captains, or two buskined theatric heroes, in the re- 
nowned tragedies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or any other 
heroical and fighting tragedy, marshal their gallows- 
looking, duck-legged, heavy-heeled myrmidons with more 
glory and self-admiration. 

These military compliments being finished, General 



A MILITARY RECEPTION. 367 

Van Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious visitor, with 
great ceremony, into the Fort ; attended him throughout 
the fortifications ; showed him the horn- works, crown- 
works, half-moons, and various other outworks, or rather 
the places where they ought to be erected, and where 
they might be erected if he pleased ; plainly demonstrat- 
ing that it was a place of " great capability," and though 
at present but a little redoubt, yet that it was evidently 
a formidable fortress, in embryo. This survey over, he 
next had the whole garrison put under arms, exercised, 
and reviewed; and concluded by ordering the three 
bridewell birds to be hauled out of the black hole, 
brought up to the halberds, and soundly flogged, for the 
amusement of his visitor, and to convince him that he 
was a great disciplinarian. 

The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to be struck 
dumb outright with the puissance of the great Van Pof- 
fenburgh, took silent note of the incompetency of his gar- 
rison, — of which he gave a wink to his trusty followers, 
who tipped each other the wink, and laughed most ob- 
streperously — in their sleeves. 

The inspection, review, and flogging being concluded, 
the party adjourned to the table; for among his other 
great qualities, the general was remarkably addicted to 
huge carousals, and in one afternoon's campaign would 
leave more dead men on the field than he ever did in the 
whole course of his military career. Many bulletins of 
these bloodless victories do still remain on record ; and 



368 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

the whole province was once thrown in amaze by the re- 
turn of one of his campaigns, wherein it was stated, that, 
though, like Captain Bobadil, he had only twenty men to 
back him, yet in the short space of six months he had 
conquered and utterly annihilated sixty oxen, ninety hogs, 
one hundred sheep, ten thousand cabbages, one thousand 
bushels of potatoes, one hundred and fifty kilderkins of 
small beer, two thousand seven hundred and thirty-five 
pipes, seventy-eight pounds of sugar-plums, and forty 
bars of iron, besides sundry small meats, game, poultry, 
and garden-stuff: — an achievement unparalleled since the 
days of Pantagruel and his all-devouring army, and which 
showed that it was only necessary to let Van Poffenburgh 
and his garrison loose in an enemy's country, and in a 
little while they would breed a famine, and starve all the 
inhabitants. 

No sooner, therefore, had the general received intima- 
tion of the visit of Governor Kisingh, than he ordered a 
great dinner to be prepared, and privately sent out a de- 
tachment of his most experienced veterans, to rob all the 
hen-roosts in the neighborhood, and lay the pig-sties 
under contribution, — a service which they discharged 
with such zeal and promptitude, that the garrison-table 
groaned under the weight of their spoils. 

I wish, with all my heart, my readers could see the 
valiant Van Poffenburgh, as he presided at the head of 
the banquet ; it was a sight worth beholding : — ^there he 
sat, in his greatest glory, surrounded by his soldiers, like 



A BUmOUS BANQUET. 369 

tliat famous wine-bibber, Alexander, wliose thirsty vir- 
tues lie did most ably imitate, — telling astonishing sto- 
ries of his hair-breadth adventures and heroic exploits ; 
at which, though all his auditors knew them to be incon- 
tinent lies and outrageous gasconadoes, yet did they cast 
up their eyes in admiration, and utter many interjections 
of astonishment. Nor could the general pronounce any- 
thing that bore the remotest resemblance to a joke, but 
the stout Risingh would strike his brawny fist upon the 
table till every glass rattled again, throw himself back in 
the chair, utter gigantic peals of laughter, and swear 
most horribly it was the best joke he ever heard in his 
life. Thus all was rout and revelry and hideous carousal 
within Fort Casimir ; and so lustily did Van Po£fenburgh 
ply the bottle, that in less than four short hours he made 
himself and his whole garrison, who all sedulously emu- 
lated the deeds of their chieftain, dead drunk, with sing- 
ing songs, quaffing bumpers, and drinking patriotic toasts, 
none of which but was as long as a Welsh pedigree or a 
plea in chancery. 

No sooner did things come to this pass, than Eisingh 
and his Swedes, who had cunningly kept themselves 
sober, rose on their entertainers, tied them neck and 
heels, and took formal possession of the fort, and all its 
dependencies, in the name of Queen Christina of Sweden, 
administering at the same time an oath of allegiance to 
all tlie Dutch soldiers who could be made sober enough 
to swallow it. Risingh then put the fortification in order, 
24 



370 HISTORY OF NEW TOBK. 

appointed his discreet and vigilant friend Suen Schiite, 
otherwise called Skytte, a tall, wind-dried, water-drink- 
ing Swede, to the command, and departed, bearing with 
him this truly amiable garrison and its puissant com- 
mander, who, when brought to himself by a sound drub- 
bing, bore no little resemblance to a "deboshed fish," or 
bloated sea-monster, caught upon dry land. 

The transportation of the garrison was done to prevent 
the transmission of intelligence to New Amsterdam ; for 
much as the cunning Eisingh exulted in his stratagem, 
yet did he dread the vengeance of the sturdy Peter Stuy- 
vesant, whose name spread as much terror in the neigh- 
borhood as did whilom that of the unconquerable Scan° 
derbeg among his scurvy enemies the Turks. 



CHAPTER ILL 



SHOWING HOW PROFOUND SECRETS ARE OFTEN BROUGHT TO LIGHT ; WITH 
THE PROCEEDINGS OF PETER THE HEADSTRONG WHEN HE HEARD OP THE 
MISFORTUNES OF GENERAL. VAN POFFENBURGH. 




HOEVER first described common fame, or ru- 
mor, as belonging to the sager sex, was a very- 
owl for shrewdness. She has in truth certain 
feminine qualities to an astonishing degree, particularly 
that benevolent anxiety to take care of the affairs of 
others, which keeps her continually hunting after secrets, 
and gadding about proclaiming them. Whatever is done 
openly and in the face of the world, she takes but tran- 
sient notice of ; but whenever a transaction is done in a 
corner, and attempted to be shrouded in mystery, then 
her goddess-ship is at her wit's end to find it out, and 
takes a most mischievous and lady-like pleasure in pub- 
lishing it to the world. 

It is this truly feminine propensity which induces her 
continually to be prying into the cabinets of princes, lis- 
tening at the key-holes of senate-chambers, and peering 
through chinks and crannies, when our worthy Congress 
are sitting with closed doors, deliberating between a 
dozen excellent modes of ruining the nation. It is this 

371 



372 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

whicli makes her so baneful to all wary statesmen and in- 
triguing commanders, — sucli a stumbling-block to private 
negotiations and secret expeditions, — betraying tliem by 
means and instruments wliicb never would have been 
thougbt of by any but a female head. 

Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort Casimir. 
No doubt the cunning Eisingh imagined, that, by secur- 
ing the garrison, he should for a long time prevent the 
history of its fate from reaching the ears of the gallant 
Stuyvesant ; but his exploit was blown to the world 
when he least expected, and by one of the last beings he 
would ever have suspected of enlisting as trumpeter to 
the wide-mouthed deity. 

This was one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker), a kind of 
hanger-on to the garrison, who seemed to belong to no- 
body, and in a manner to be self-outlawed. He was one 
of those vagabond cosmopolites who shark about the 
world as if they had no right or business in it, and who 
infest the skirts of society like poachers and interlop- 
ers. Every garrison and country village has one or more 
scape-goats of this kind, whose life is a kind of enigma, 
whose existence is without motive, who comes from the 
Lord knows where, who lives the Lord knows how, and 
who seems created for no other earthly purpose but to 
keep up the ancient and honorable order of idleness. 
This vagrant philosopher was supposed to have some 
Indian blood in his veins, which was manifested by a 
certain Indian complexion and cast of countenance, but 



DIBK 8GHUILER. 373 

more especially by his propensities and habits. He was 
a tall, lank fellow, swift of foot, and long-winded. He was 
generally equipped in a half Indian dress, with belt, leg- 
gings, and moccasons. His hair hung in straight gallows- 
locks about his ears, and added not a little to his shark- 
ing demeanor. It is an old remark, that persons of 
Indian mixture are half civilized, half savage, and half 
devil, — a third half being provided for their particular 
convenience. It is for similar reasons, and probably 
with equal truth, that the backwoodsmen of Kentucky 
are styled half man, half horse, and half alligator, by 
the settlers on the Mississippi, and held accordingly in 
great respect and abhorrence. 

The above character may have presented itself to the 
garrison as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, whom they famil- 
iarly dubbed Gallows Dirk. Certain it is, he acknowl- 
edged allegiance to no one, — was an utter enemy to work, 
holding it in no manner of estimation, — but lounging 
about the fort, depending upon chance for a subsistence, 
getting drunk whenever he could get liquor, and stealing 
whatever he could lay his hands on. Every day or two 
ho was sure to get a sound rib-roasting for some of his 
misdemeanors, which, however, as it broke no bones, he 
made very light of, and scrupled not to repeat the offence 
whenever another opportunity presented. Sometimes, in 
consequence of some flagrant villany, he would abscond 
from the garrison, and be absent for a month at a time, 
skulking about the woods and swamps, with a long fowl- 



374 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ing-piecG on his shoulder, lying in ambush for game, — or 
squatting himself down on the edge of a pond, catching 
fish for hours together, and bearing no little resemblance 
to that notable bird of the crane family, ycleped the 
Mudpoke. When he thought his crimes had been forgot- 
ten or forgiven, he would sneak back to the fort with a 
bundle of skins, or a load of poultry, which, perchance, 
he had stolen, and would exchange them for liquor, with 
which having well soaked his carcass, he would lie in the 
sun and enjoy all the luxurious indolence of that swinish 
philosopher Diogenes. He was the terror of all the farm- 
yards in the country into which he made fearful inroads ; 
and sometimes he would make his sudden appearance 
in the garrison at daybreak, with the whole neighborhood 
at his heels, — like the scoundrel thief of a fox, detected 
in his maraudings and hunted to his hole. Such was this 
Dirk Schuiler ; and from the total indifference he showed 
to the world and its concerns, and from his truly Indian 
stoicism and taciturnity, no one would ever have dreamt 
that he would have been the publisher of the treachery 
of Risingh. 

When the carousal was going on, which proved so fatal 
to the brave Poffenburgh and his watchful garrison. Dirk 
skulked about from room to room, being a kind of privi- 
leged vagrant, or useless hound, whom nobody noticed. 
But though a fellow of few words, yet, like your taciturn 
people, his eyes and ears were always open, and in the 
course of his prowlings he overheard the whole plot of 



• DIRE SCHUILEH. 375 

the Swedes. Dirk immediately settled in his own mind 
how he should turn the matter to his own advantage. He 
played the perfect jack-of-both-sides, that is to say, he 
made a prize of everything that came in his reach, robbed 
both parties, stuck the copper-bound cocked hat of the 
puissant Van Poflfenburgh on his head, whipped a huge 
pair of Risingh's jack-boots under his arms, and took to 
his heels just before the catastrophe and confusion at the 
garrison. 

Finding himself completely dislodged from his haunt 
in this quarter, he directed his flight towards his native 
place, New Amsterdam, whence he had formerly been 
obliged to abscond precipitately, in consequence of mis- 
fortune in business, — that is to say, having been detected 
in the act of sheep-stealing. After wandering many days 
in the woods, toiling through swamps, fording brooks, 
swimming various rivers, and encountering a world of 
hardships that would have killed any other being but an 
Indian, a backwoodsman, or the devil, he at length ar- 
rived, half famished, and lank as a starved weasel, at 
Communipaw, where he stole a canoe, and paddled over 
to New Amsterdam. Immediately on landing, he repaired 
to Governor Stuyvesant, and, in more words than he had 
ever spoken before in the whole course of his life, gave 
an account of the disastrous affair. 

On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant Peter 
started from his seat, dashed the pipe he was smoking 
against the back of the chimney, thrust a prodigious quid 



376 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

of tobacco into liis left cheek, pulled up his galligaskins, 
and strode up and down the room, humming, as was cus- 
tomary with him when in a passion, a hideous northwest 
ditty. But, as I have before shown, he was not a man to 
vent his spleen in idle vaporing. His first measure, af- 
ter the paroxysm of wrath had subsided, was to stump 
up-stairs to a huge wooden chest, which served as his 
armory, from whence he drew forth that identical suit 
of regimentals described in the preceding chapter. In 
these portentous habiliments he arrayed himself like 
Achilles in the armor of Vulcan, maintaining all the 
while an appalling silence, knitting his brows, and 
drawing his breath through his clenched teeth. Being 
hastily equipped, he strode down into the parlor and 
jerked down his trusty sword from over the fireplace, 
where it was usually suspended; but before he girded it 
on his thigh, he drew it from its scabbard, and as his eye 
coursed along the rusty blade, a grim smile stole over his 
iron visage ; it was the first smile that had visited his 
countenance for five long weeks ; but every one who be- 
held it prophesied that there would soon be warm work 
in the province! 

Thus armed at all points, with grisly war depicted in 
each feature, his very cocked hat assuming an air of un- 
common defiance, he instantly put himself upon the alert, 
and despatched Antony Van Corlear hither and thither, 
this way and that way, through all the muddy streets and 
crooked lanes of the city, summoning by sound of trumpet 



I 



COUNCIL OF WAB. 377 

his trusty peers to assemble in instant council. This 
done, by way of ex]3editing matters, according to the cus- 
tom of people in a hurry, he kept in continual bustle, 
shifting from chair to chair, popping his head out of 
every window, and stumping up and down stairs with his 
wooden leg in such brisk and incessant motion, that, as 
we are informed by an authentic historian of the times, 
the continual clatter bore no small resemblance to the 
music of a cooper hooping a flour-barrel. 

A summons so peremptory, and from a man of the 
governor's mettle, was not to be trifled with : the sages 
forthwith repaired to the council-chamber, seated them- 
selves with the utmost tranquillity, and, lighting their 
long pipes, gazed with unruffled composure on his Ex- 
cellency and his regimentals, — being, as all counsellors 
should be, not easily flustered, nor taken by surjirise. 
The governor, looking around for a moment with a lofty 
and soldier-like air, and resting one hand on the pommel 
of his sword, and flinging the other forth in a free and 
spirited manner, addressed them in a short but soul-stir- 
ring harangue. 

I am extremely sorry that I have not the advantages of 
Livy, Thucydides, Plutarch, and others of my predeces- 
sors, who were furnished, as I am told, with the speeches 
of all their heroes, taken down in short-hand by the most 
accurate stenographers of the time, — whereby they were 
enabled wonderfully to enrich their histories, and delight 
their readers with sublime strains of eloquence. Not 



378 mSTOBT OF NEW TORE. 

having such important auxiliaries, I cannot possibly pro- 
nounce what was the tenor of Governor Stuyvesant's 
speech. I am bold, however, to say, from the tenor of 
his character, that he did not wrap his rugged subject in 
silks and ermines, and other sickly trickeries of phrase, 
but spoke forth like a man of nerve and vigor, who 
scorned to shrink in words from those dangers which he 
stood ready to encounter in very deed. This much is 
certain, that he concluded by announcing his determina- 
tion to lead on his troops in person, and rout these cos- 
tard-monger Swedes from their usurped quarters at Fort 
Casimir. To this hardy resolution, such of his council as 
were awake gave their usual signal of concurrence ; and 
as to the rest, who had fallen asleep about the middle of 
the harangue (their " usual custom in the afternoon "), 
they made not the least objection. 

And now was seen in the fair city of New Amsterdam 
a prodigious bustle and preparation for iron war. Re- 
cruiting parties marched hither and thither, calling lust- 
ily upon all the scrubs, the runagates, and tatterdema- 
lions of the Manhattoes and its vicinity, who had any 
ambition of sixpence a day, and immortal fame into the 
bargain, to enlist in the cause of glory : — for I would have 
you note that your warlike heroes who trudge in the rear 
of conquerors are generally of that illustrious class of 
gentlemen who are equal candidates for the army or the 
bridewell, the halberds or the wliipping-post, — for whom 
dame Fortune has cast an even die, whether they shall 



WAE /iV^ THE AIR, 379 

make their exit by tlie sword or the halter, and whose 
deaths shall, at all events, be a lofty example to their 
countrymen. 

But, notwithstanding all this martial rout and invita- 
tion, the ranks of honor were but scantily supplied, so 
averse were the peaceful burghers of New Amsterdam 
from enlisting in foreign broils, or stirring beyond that 
home which rounded all their earthly ideas. Upon be- 
holding this, the great Peter, whose noble heart was all 
on fire with war and sweet revenge, determined to wait no 
longer for the tardy assistance of these oily citizens, but 
to muster up his merry men of the Hudson, who, brought 
up among woods, and wilds, and savage beasts, like our 
yeomen of Kentucky, delighted in nothing so much as 
desperate adventures and perilous expeditions through 
the wilderness. Thus resolving, he ordered his trusty 
squire Antony Van Corlear to have his state galley pre- 
pared and duly victualled ; which being performed, he 
attended public service at the great church of St. Nicho- 
las, like a true and pious governor ; and then leaving per- 
emptory orders with his council to have the chivalry of 
the Manhattoes marshalled out and appointed against his 
return, departed upon his recruiting voyage up the wa- 
ters of the Hudson, 



CHAPTER IV. 

CONTAINING PETER STUYVESANT'S VOYAGE UP THE HITDSON, AND THE WON- 
DERS AND DELIGHTS OF THAT RENOWNED RIVER. 

OW did the soft breezes of the south steal sweet- 
ly over the face of nature, tempering the pant- 
ing heats of summer into genial and prolific 
warmth ; when that miracle of hardihood and chivalric 
virtue, the dauntless Peter Stuyvesant, spread his canvas 
to the wind, and departed from the fair island of Manna- 
hata. The galley in which he embarked was sumptu- 
ously adorned with pendants and streamers of gorgeous 
dyes, which fluttered gayly in the wind, or drooped their 
ends into the bosom of the stream. The bow and poop 
of this majestic vessel were gallantly bedight, after the 
rarest Dutch fashion, with figures of little pursy Cupids 
with periwigs on their heads, and bearing in their hands 
garlands of flowers, the like of which are not to be found 
in any book of botany, being the matchless flowers which 
flourished in the golden age, and exist no longer, unless 
it be in the imaginations of ingenious carvers of wood 
and discolorers of canvas. 

Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the puissant 
potentate of the Manhattoes, did the galley of Peter 

380 



THE VOYAGE. 381 

Stuyvesant launch forth upon the bosom of the lordly 
Hudson, which, as it rolled its broad waves to the ocean, 
seemed to pause for a while and swell with pride, as if 
conscious of the illustrious burden it sustained. 

But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was the scene pre- 
sented to the contemplation of the crew from that which 
may be witnessed at this degenerate day. Wildness 
and savage majesty reigned on the borders of this mighty 
river ; the hand of cultivation had not as yet laid low the 
dark forest, and tamed the features of the landscape ; nor 
had the frequent sail of commerce broken in upon the 
profound and awful solitude of ages. Here and there 
might be seen a rude wigwam perched among the cliffs 
of the mountains, with its curling column of smoke 
mounting in the transparent atmosphere, — but so loftily 
situated that the whoopings of the savage children, gam- 
bolling on the margin of the dizzy heights, fell almost as 
faintly on the ear as do the notes of the lark when lost in 
the azure vault of heaven. Now and then, from the beet- 
ling brow of some precipice, the wild deer would look 
timidly down upon the splendid pageant as it passed be- 
low, and then, tossing his antlers in the air, would bound 
away into the thickest of the forest. 

Through such scenes did the stately vessel of Peter 
Stuyvesant pass. Now did they skirt the bases of the 
rocky heights of Jersey, which spring up like everlasting 
walls, reaching from the waves unto the heavens, and 
were fashioned, if tradition may be believed, in times 



382 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

long past, by the mighty spirit Manetho, to protect his 
favorite abodes from the unhallowed eyes of mortals. 
Now did they career it gayly across the vast expanse of 
Tappan Bay, whose wide-extended shores present a va- 
riety of delectable scenery, — here the bold promontory, 
crowned with embowering trees, advancing into the bay, 
— there the long woodland slope, sweeping up from the 
shore in rich luxuriance, and terminating in the upland 
precipice, — while at a distance a long waving line of 
rocky heights threw their gigantic shades across the 
water. Now would they pass where some modest little 
interval, opening among these stupendous scenes, yet re- 
treating as it were for protection into the embraces of 
the neighboring mountains, displayed a rural paradise, 
fraught with sweet and pastoral beauties, — the velvet- 
tufted lawn, the bushy copse, the tinkling rivulet, steal- 
ing through the fresh and vivid verdure, on whose banks 
was situated some little Indian village, or, peradventure, 
the rude cabin of some solitary hunter. 

The different periods of the revolving day seemed 
each, with cunning magic, to diffuse a different charm 
over the scene. Now would the jovial sun break glori- 
ously from the east, blazing from the summits of the 
hills, and sparkling the landscape with a thousand dewy 
gems ; while along the borders of the river were seen the 
heavy masses of mist, which, like midnight caitiffs dis- 
turbed at his approach, made a sluggish retreat, rolling 
in sullen reluctance up the mountains. At such times all 



THE VOYAGE. 383 

was brightness, and life, and gayety, — the atmosphere 
was of an indescribable pureness and transparency, — the 
birds broke forth in wanton madrigals, and the freshen- 
ing breezes wafted the vessel merrily on her course. But 
when the sun sunk amid a flood of glory in the west, 
mantling the heavens and the earth with a thousand gor- 
geous dyes, then all was calm, and silent, and magnifi- 
cent. The late swelling sail hung lifelessly against the 
mast ; — the seaman, with folded arms, leaned against the 
shrouds, lost in that involuntary musing which the sober 
grandeur of nature commands in the rudest of her chil- 
dren. The vast bosom of the Hudson was like an unruf- 
fled mirror, reflecting the golden splendor of the heavens, 
excepting that now and then a t)ark canoe would steal 
across its surface, filled with painted savages, whose gay 
feathers glared brightly as perchance a lingering ray of 
the setting sun gleamed upon them from the western 
mountains. 

But when the hour of twilight spread its majestic mists 
around, then did the face of nature assume a thousand 
fugitive charms, which to the worthy heart that seeks 
enjoyment in the glorious works of its Maker are inex- 
pressibly captivating. The mellow dubious light that 
prevailed just served to tinge with illusive colors the soft- 
ened features of the scenery. The deceived but delighted 
eye sought vainly to discern in the broad masses of shade 
the separating line between the land and water, or to 
distinguish the fading objects that seemed sinking into 



384 HISTORY OP NEW YORK. 

chaos. Now did the busy fancy supply the feebleness of 
vision, producing with industrious craft a fairy creation 
of her own. Under her plastic wand the barren rocks 
frowned upon the watery waste in the semblance of lofty 
towers and high embattled castles, — trees assumed the 
direful forms of mighty giants, and the inaccessible sum- 
mits of the mountains seemed peopled with a thousand 
shadowy beings. 

Now broke forth from the shores the notes of an innu- 
merable variety of insects, which filled the air with a 
strange but not inharmonious concert, while ever and 
anon was heard the melancholy plaint of the whippoor- 
will, who, perched on some lone tree, wearied the ear of 
night with his incessant moanings. The mind, soothed 
into a hallowed melancholy, listened with pensive still- 
ness to catch and distinguish each sound that vaguely 
echoed from the shore, — now and then startled perchance 
by the whoop of some straggling savage, or by the dreary 
howl of a wolf, stealing forth upon his nightly prowlings. 

Thus happily did they pursue their course, until they 
entered upon those awful defiles denominated the high- 
LAJSfDS, where it would seem that the gigantic Titans had 
erst waged their impious war with heaven, piling up 
cliffs on cliffs, and hurling vast masses of rock in wild 
confusion. But in sooth very different is the history of 
these cloud-capt mountains. These in ancient days, be- 
fore the Hudson poured its waters from the lakes, formed 
one vast prison, within whose rocky bosom the omnipo- 



TEE HIGHLANDS. 385 

tent Manetho confined the rebellious spirits wlio repined 
at his control. Here, bound in adamantine chains, or 
jammed in rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks, 
they groaned for many an age. At length the conquer- 
ing Hudson, in its career towards the ocean, burst open 
their prison-house, rolling its tide triumphantly through 
the stupendous ruins. 

Still, however, do many of them lurk about their old 
abodes ; and these it is, according to venerable legends, 
that cause the echoes which resound throughout these 
awful solitudes, — which are nothing but their angry clam- 
ors when any noise disturbs the profoundness of their 
repose. For when the elements are agitated by tempest, 
when the winds are up and the thunder rolls, then horri- 
ble is the yelling and howling of these troubled spirits, 
making the mountains to rebellow with their hideous 
uproar ; for at such times it is said that they think the 
great Manetho is returning once more to plunge them in 
gloomy caverns, and renew their intolerable captivity. 

But all these fair and glorious scenes were lost upon 
the gallant Stuyvesant; naught occupied his mind but 
thoughts of iron war, and proud anticipations of hardy 
deeds of arms. Neither did his honest crew trouble 
their heads with any romantic speculations of the kind. 
The pilot at the helm quietly smoked his pipe, thinking 
of nothing either past, present, or to come ; — those of his 
comrades who were not industriously smoking under the 
hatches were listening with open mouths to Antony Van 
25 



386 HI8T0EY OF WEW YORK. 

Corlear, who, seated on the windlass, was relating to 
them the marvellous history of those myriads of fire-flies 
that sparkled like gems and spangles upon the dusky 
robe of night. These, according to tradition, were orig- 
inally a race of pestilent sempiternous beldames, who 
peopled these parts long before the memory of man, be- 
ing of that abominated race emphatically called hrim- 
stones, and who, for their innumerable sins against the 
children of men, and to furnish an awful warning to the 
beauteous sex, were doomed to infest the earth in the 
shape of these threatening and terrible little bugs, en- 
during the internal torments of that fire which they for- 
merly carried in their hearts and breathed forth in their 
words, but now are sentenced to bear about forever — in 
their tails ! 

And now I am going to tell a fact, which I doubt much 
my readers will hesitate to believe ; but if they do, they 
are welcome not to believe a word in this whole history, 
for nothing which it contains is more true. It must be 
known then that the nose of Antony the trumpeter was 
of a very lusty size, strutting boldly from his counte- 
nance like a mountain of Golconda ; being sumptuously 
bedecked with rubies and other precious stones, — the true 
regalia of a king of good fellows, which jolly Bacchus 
grants to all who bouse it heartily at the flagon. Now 
thus it happened, that bright and early in the morning, 
the good Antony, having washed his burly visage, was 
leaning over the quarter-railing of the galley, contemplat- 



ANTONY'S NOSE. 387 

ing it in tlie glassy wave below. Just at this moment the 
illustrious sun, breaking in all its splendor from behind a 
high bluff of the highlands, did dart one of his most po- 
tent beams full upon the refulgent nose of the sounder of 
brass — the reflection of which shot straightway down, 
hissing-hot, into the water, and killed a mighty sturgeon 
that was sporting beside the vessel ! This huge monster, 
being with infinite labor hoisted on board, furnished a 
luxurious repast to all the crew, being accounted of excel- 
lent flavor, excepting about the wound, where it smacked 
a little of brimstone ; and this, on my veracity, was the 
first time that ever sturgeon was bciten in these parts by 
Christian people.* 

When this astonishing miracle came to be made known 
to Peter Stuyvesant, and that he tasted of the unknown 
fish, he, as may well be supposed, marvelled exceedingly ; 
and as a monument thereof, he gave the name of Antonyms 
Nose to a stout promontory in the neighborhood ; and it 
has continued to be called Antony's Nose ever since that 
time. 

But hold : whither am I wandering ? By the mass, if 
I attempt to accompany the good Peter Stuyvesant on this 
voyage, I shall never make an end ; for never was there a 
voyage so fraught with marvellous incidents, nor a river 

* The learned Hans Megapolensis, treating of the country fibout Al- 
bany, in a letter which was written some time after the settlement, says : 
" There is in the river great plenty of sturgeon, which we Christians do 
not make use of, but the Indians eat tliem greedily." 



388 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

SO abounding with transcendent beauties, worthy of being 
severally recorded. Even now I have it on the point of 
my pen to relate how his crew were most horribly fright-' 
ened, on going on shore above the highlands, by a gang 
of merry roistering devils, frisking and curveting on a flat 
rock, which projected into the river, and which is called 
the DuyveCs Dans-Kamer to this very day. But no ! 
Diedrich Knickerbocker, it becomes thee not to idle thus 
in thy historic wayfaring. 

Recollect that, while dwelling with the fond garrulity 
of age over these fairy scenes, endeared to thee by the 
recollections of thy youth, and the charms of a thousand 
legendary tales, which beguiled the simple ear of thy 
childhood, — recollect that thou art trifling with those 
fleeting moments which should be devoted to loftier 
themes. Is not Time — relentless Time ! — shaking, with 
palsied hand, his almost exhausted hour-glass before 
thee? Hasten then to pursue thy weary task, lest the 
last sands be run ere thou hast finished thy history of 
the Manhattoes. 

Let us, then, commit the dauntless Peter, his brave 
galley, and his loyal crew, to the protection of the blessed 
St. Nicholas ; who, I have no doubt, will prosper him in 
his voyage, while we await his return at the great city of 
New Amsterdam. 




CHAPTER V. 

DESCRIBING THE POWERFUL ARMY THAT ASSEMBLED AT THE CITT OP NEW 
AMSTERDAM — TOGETHER WITH THE INTERVIEW BETWEEN PETER THE HEAD- 
STRONG AND GENERAL VAN POFFENBURGH, AND PETER'S SENTIMENTS TOUCH- 
ING UNFORTUNATE GREAT MEN. 

HILE thus the enterprising Peter was coasting, 
with flowing sail, up the shores of the lordly- 
Hudson, and arousing all the phlegmatic little 
Dutch settlements upon its borders, a great and jDuissant 
concourse of warriors was assembling at the city of New 
Amsterdam. And here that invaluable fragment of antiq- 
uity, the Stuyvesant manuscript, is more than commonly 
particular ; by which means I am enabled to record the 
illustrious host that encamped itself in the public square 
in front of the fort, at present denominated the Bowling 
Green. 

In the centre, then, was pitched the tent of the men of 
battle of the Manhattoes, who, being the inmates of the 
metropolis, composed the life-guards of the governor. 
These were commanded by the valiant Stoffel Brinker- 
hoof, who whilom had acquired such immortal fame at 
Oyster Bay ; they displayed as a standard a beaver ram- 
pant on a field of orange, being the arms of the province, 

389 



390 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

and denoting the persevering industry and the amphibi- 
ous origin of the Nederlanders.* 

On their right hand might be seen the vassals of that 
renowned Mynheer, Michael Paw,t who lorded it over 
the fair regions of ancient Pavonia, and the lands away 
south even unto the Navesink mountains, % and was more- 
over patroon of Gibbet Island. His standard was borne 
by his trusty squire, Cornelius Van Vorst ; consisting of 
a huge oyster recumbent upon a sea-green field ; being the 
armorial bearings of his favorite metropolis, Communi- 
paw. He brought to the camp a stout force of warriors, 
heavily armed, being each clad in ten pair of linsey- 
woolsey breeches, and overshadowed by broad-brimmed 
beavers, with short pipes twisted in their hat-bands. 
These were the men who_ vegetated in the mud along the 
shores of Pavonia, being of the race of genuine copper- 
heads, and were fabled to have sprung from oysters. 

At a little distance was encamped the tribe of warriors 

* This was likewise the great seal of the New Netherlands, as may still 
be seen in ancient records. 

f Besides what is related in the Stuyvesant MS., I have found mention 
made of this illustrious patroon in another manuscript, which says : 
" De Heer (or the squire) Michael Paw, a Dutch subject, about 10th Aug. 
1G30, by deed purchased Staten Island . N. B. The same Michael Paw 
had what the Dutch call a colonic at Pavonia, on the Jersey shore, op- 
posite New York, and his overseer in 1636 was named Corns. Van Vorst, 
a person of the same name in 1769, owned Pawles Hook, and a large 
farm at Pavonia, and is a lineal descendant from Van Vorst. 

X So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited these 
parts. At present they are erroneously denominated the Neversink, or 
Neversunk mountains. 



TEE VALIANT SOLDIERS. 391 

wlio came from tlie neighborhood of Hell-gate. These 
were commanded by the Suy Dams, and the Van Dams, 
— incontinent hard swearers, as their names betoken. 
They were terrible-looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted 
gaberdines, of that curious colored cloth called thunder 
and lightning, — and bore as a standard three devil's 
darning-needles, volant, in a flame-colored field. 

Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the 
marshy borders of the Waale-Boght* and the country 
thereabouts. Those were of a sour aspect, by reason 
that they lived on crabs, which abound in these parts. 
They were the first institutors of that honorable order 
of knighthood called Fly-market shirks, and, if tradition 
speak true, did likewise introduce the far-famed step in 
dancing called " double trouble." They were commanded 
by the fearless Jacobus Varra Yanger, — and had, more- 
over, a jolly band of Breuckelenf ferry-men, who per- 
formed a brave concerto on conch shells. 

But I refrain from pursuing this minute description, 
which goes on to describe the warriors of Bloemen-dael, 
and Weeliawk, and Hoboken, and sundry other places, 
well known in history and song ; for now do the notes 
of martial music alarm the people of New Amsterdam, 
sounding afar from beyond the walls of the city. But 
this alarm was in a little while relieved, for lo ! from the 

* Since corrupted into the Wallabout ; the bay where the Navy Yard is 
situated. 
f Now spelt Brooklyn. 



392 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

midst of a vast cloud of dust, they recognfeed the brim- 
stone-colored breeches and splendid silver leg of Peter 
Stuyvesant, glaring in the sunbeams ; and beheld him 
approaching at the head of a formidable army, which he 
had mustered along the banks of the Hudson. And here 
the excellent but anonymous writer of the Stuyvesant 
manuscript breaks out into a brave and glorious de- 
scription of the forces, as they defiled through the prin- 
cipal gate of the city, that stood by the head of Wall 
Street. 

First of all came the Van Brummels, who inhabit the 
pleasant borders of the Bronx : these were short fat men, 
wearing exceeding large trunk-breeches, and were re- 
nowned for feats of the trencher. They were the first 
inventors, of suppawn, or mush and milk. — Close in their 
rear marched the Van Ylotens, of Kaatskill, horrible 
quaffers of new cider, and arrant braggarts in their liq- 
uor. — After them came the Van Pelts of Groodt Eso- 
pus, dexterous horsemen, mounted upon goodly switch- 
tailed steeds of the Esopus breed. These were mighty 
hunters of minks and musk-rats, whence came the word 
Peltry. — Then the Van Nests of Kinderhoeck, valiant rob- 
bers of bird's-nests, as their name denotes. To these, if 
report may be believed, are we indebted for the invention 
of slap-jacks, or buckwheat-cakes. — Then the Van Higgin- 
bottoms, of Wapping's creek. These came armed with 
ferules and birchen rods, being a race of schoolmasters, 
who first discovered the marvellous sympathy between 



THE VALIANT SOLDIERS. 393 

the seat of lionor and the seat of intellect, — and that the 
shortest way to get knowledge into the head was to ham- 
mer it into the bottom. — Then the Van Grolls of Antony's 
Nose, who carried their liquor in fair round little pottles, 
by reason they could not bouse it out of their canteens, 
having such rare long noses. — Then the Gardeniers, of 
Hudson and thereabouts, distinguished by many trium- 
phant feats, such as robbing watermelon patches, smok- 
ing rabbits out of their holes, and the like, and by being 
great lovers of roasted pigs' tails. These were the ances- 
tors of the renowned congressman of that name. — Then 
the Van Hoesens, of Sing -Sing, great choristers and 
players upon the jews-harp. These marched two and 
two, singing the great song of St. Nicholas. — Then the 
Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hollow. These gave birth to a 
jolly race of publicans, who first discovered the magic 
artifice of conjuring a quart of wine into a pint bottle. — 
Then the Van Kortlandts, who lived on the wild banks 
of the Croton, and were great killers of wild ducks, being 
much spoken of for their skill in shooting with the long 
bow. — Then the Van Bunschotens, of Nyack and Kak- 
iat, who were the first that did ever kick with the left 
foot. They were gallant bushwhackers and hunters of 
raccoons by moonlight. — Then the Van "Winkles of Haer- 
lem, potent suckers of eggs, and noted for running of 
horses, and running up of scores at taverns. They were 
the first that ever winked with both eyes at once. — Lastly 
came the Knickerbockees, of the great town of Scaghti- 



394 HI8T0RT OF NEW TORE. 

koke, where the folk lay stones upon the houses in 
windy weather, lest they should be blown away. These 
derive their name, as some say, from Knicker, to shake, 
and BeJcer, a goblet, indicating thereby that they were 
sturdy toss-pots of yore ; but, in truth, it was derived 
from Knicker, to nod, and Boeken, books : plainly mean- 
ing that they were great nodders or dozers over books. 
From them did descend the writer of this history. 

Such was the legion of sturdy bush-beaters that poured 
in at the grand gate of New Amsterdam ; the Stuyvesant 
manuscript indeed speaks of many more, whose names I 
omit to mention, seeing that it behooves me to hasten to 
matters of greater moment. Nothing could surpass the 
joy and martial pride of the lion-hearted Peter as he 
reviewed this mighty host of warriors, and he deter- 
mined no longer to defer the gratification of his much- 
wished for revenge upon the scoundrel Swedes at Fort 
Casimir. 

But before I hasten to record those unmatchable events 
which will be found in the sequel of this faithful his- 
tory, let me pause to notice the fate of Jacobus Van Pof- 
fenburgh, the discomfited commander-in-chief of the 
armies of the New Netherlands. Such is the inherent 
uncharitableness of human nature, that scarcely did the 
news become public of his deplorable discomfiture at 
Fort Casimir, tJian a thousand scur\'y rumors were set 
afloat in New Amsterdam, wherein it was insinuated that 
he had in reality a treacherous understanding with the 



THE FATE OF VAN POFFENBURGH. 395 

Swedish commander ; tliat he had long been in the prac- 
tice of privately communicating with the Swedes ; to- 
gether with divers hints about " secret service-money." 
To all which deadly charges I do not give a jot more 
credit than I think they deserve. 

Certain it is, that the general vindicated his character 
by the most vehement oaths and protestations, and put 
every man out of the ranks of honor who dared to doubt 
his integrity. Moreover, on returning to New Amster- 
dam, he paraded up and down the streets with a crew of 
hard swearers at his heels, — sturdy bottle-companions, 
whom he gorged and fattened, and who were ready to 
bolster him through all the courts of justice, — heroes of 
his own kidney, fierce-whiskered, broad-shouldered, col- 
brand-looking swaggerers, — not one of whom but looked 
as though he could eat up an ox, and pick his teeth with 
the horns. These lifeguard men quarrelled all his quar- 
rels, were ready to fight all his battles, and scowled at 
every man that turned up his nose at the general, as 
though they would devour him alive. Their conversation 
was interspersed with oaths like minute guns, and every 
bombastic rodomontade was rounded oif by a thundering 
execration, like a patriotic toast honored with a dis- 
charge of artillery. 

All these valorous vaporings had a considerable ef- 
fect in convincing certain profound sages, who began 
to think the general a hero of unmatchable loftiness 
and magnanimity of soul, particularly as he was con- 



396 EI8T0RY OF NEW YORK. 

tinually protesting on the honor of a soldier, — a marvel- 
lously high-sounding asseveration. Nay, one of the 
members of the council went so far as to propose they 
should immortalize him by an imperishable statue of 
plaster of Paris. 

But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not thus to 
be deceived. Sending privately for the commander-in- 
chief of all the armies, and having heard all his story, 
garnished with the customary pious oaths, protestations, 
and ejaculations, — " Harkee, comrade," cried he, " though 
by your own account you are the most brave, upright, 
and honorable man in the whole province, yet do you lie 
under the misfortune of being damnably traduced, and 
immeasurably despised. Now, though it is certainly hard 
to punish a man for his misfortunes, and though it is 
very possible you are totally innocent of the crimes laid 
to your charge, yet as heaven, doubtless for some wise 
purpose, sees fit at present to withhold all proofs of your 
innocence, far be it from me to counteract its sovereign 
will. Besides, I cannot consent to venture my armies 
with a commander whom they despise, nor to trust the 
welfare of my people to a champion whom they distrust. 
Ketire, therefore, my friend, from the irksome toils and 
cares of public life, with this comforting reflection, that, 
if guilty, you are but enjoying your just reward, and if 
innocent, you are not the first great and good man who 
has most wrongfully been slandered and maltreated in 
this wicked world, — doubtless to be better treated in 



PETER'S SPEECH. 397 

a better world, where there shall be neither error, 
calumny, nor persecution. In the mean time let me 
never see your face again, for I have a horrible * antipa- 
thy to the countenances of unfortunate great men like 
yourself," 



CHAPTER VT. 

IN WHICH THE AUTHOR DISCOURSES VERT INGENUOUSLY OF HIMSELF — AFTER 
■WHICH IS TO BE FOUND MUCH INTERESTING HISTORY ABOUT PETER THE 
HEADSTRONG AND HIS FOLLOWERS. 

S my readers and myself are about entering on 
as many perils as ever a confederacy of meddle- 
some knights-errant wilfully ran their heads 
into, it is meet that, like those hardy adventurers, we 
should join hands, bury all differences, and swear to 
stand by one another, in weal or woe, to the end of the 
enterprise. My readers must doubtless perceive how 
completely I have altered my tone and deportment since 
we first set out together. I warrant they then thought 
me a crabbed, cynical, impertinent little son of a Dutch- 
man ; for I scarcely gave them a civil word, nor so much 
as touched my beaver, when I had occasion to address 
them. But as we jogged along together on the high road 
of my history, I gradually began to relax, to grow more 
courteous, and occasionally to enter into familiar dis- 
course, until at length I came to conceive a most social, 
companionable kind of regard for them. This is just my 
way : I am always a little cold and reserved at first, par- 

398 



TEE A UTHOR S WILES. 399 

ticularly to people whom I neither know nor care for, and 
am only to be completely won by long intimacy. 

Besides, why should I have been sociable to the crowd 
of how-d'ye-do acquaintances that flocked around me 
at my first appearance ? Many were merely attracted by 
a new face; and having stared me full in the title- 
page, walked off without saying a word: while others 
lingered yawningly through the preface, and, having 
gratified their short-lived curiosity, soon dropped off one 
by one. But, more especially to try their mettle, I had 
recourse to an expedient, similar to one which we are 
told was used by that peerless flower of chivalry. King 
Arthur ; who, before he admitted any knight to his inti- 
macy, first required that he should show himself superior 
to danger or hardships, by encountering unheard-of mis- 
haps, slaying some dozen giants, vanquishing wicked en- 
chanters, not to say a word of dwarfs, hippogrifis, and 
fiery dragons. On a similar principle did I cunningly 
lead my readers, at the first sally, into two or three knot- 
ty chapters, where they were most wofully belabored and 
buffeted by a host of pagan philosophers and infidel 
writers. Though naturally a very grave man, yet could I 
scarcely refrain from smiling outright at seeing the utter 
confusion and dismay of my valiant cavaliers. Some 
dropped down dead (asleep) on the field; others threw 
down my book in the middle of the first chapter, took to 
their heels, and never ceased scampering until they had 
fairly run it out of sight : when they stopped to take 



400 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

\ 
breath, to tell their friends what troubles they had un- 
dergone, and to warn all others from venturing on so 
thankless an expedition. Every page thinned my ranks 
more and more ; and of the vast multitude that first set 
out, but a comparatively few made shift to survive, in 
exceedingly battered condition, through the five intro- 
ductory chapters. 

What, then! would you have had me take such sun- 
shine, faint-hearted recreants to my bosom at our first 
acquaintance ? No, no ; I reserved my friendship for 
those who deserved it, for those who undauntedly bore 
me company, in spite of difficulties, dangers, and fatigues. 
And now, as to those who adhere to me at present, I take 
them afi'ectionately by the hand. "Worthy and thrice-be- 
loved readers ! brave and well-tried comrades ! who have 
faithfully followed my footsteps through all my wander- 
ings, — I salute you from my heart, — I pledge myself to 
stand by you to the last, and to conduct you (so Heaven 
speed this trusty weapon which I now hold between my 
fingers) triumphantly to the end of this our stupendous 
undertaking. 

But, hark ! while we are thus talking, the city of New 
Amsterdam is in a bustle. The host of warriors en- 
camped in the Bowling Green are striking their tents ; 
the brazen trumpet of Antony Yan Corlear makes the 
welkin to resound with portentous clangor ; the drums 
beat ; the standards of the Manhattoes, of Hell-gate, 
and of Michael Paw, wave proudly in the air. And now 



EXCITEMENT IN NEW AMSTERDAM. 401 

behold where the mariners are busily employed hoisting 
the sails of yon topsail schooner, and those clump-built 
sloops, which are to waft the army of the Nederlanders 
to gather immortal honors on the Delaware ! 

The entire population of the city, man, woman, and 
child, turned out to behold the chivalry of New Amster- 
dam, as it- paraded the streets previous to embarkation. 
Many a handkerchief was waved out of the windows ; 
many a fair nose was blown in melodious sorrow on the 
mournful occasion. The grief of the fair dames and 
beauteous damsels of Granada could not have been more 
vociferous on the banishment of the gallant tribe of 
Abencerrages than was that of the kind-hearted fair ones 
of New Amsterdam on the departure of their intrepid 
warriors. Every love-sick maiden fondly crammed the 
pockets of her hero with gingerbread and doughnuts ; 
many a copper ring was exchanged, and crooked sixpence 
broken, in pledge of eternal constancy ; and there remain 
extant to this day some love-verses written on that occa- 
sion, sufficiently crabbed and incomprehensible to con- 
found the whole universe. 

But it was a moving sight to see the buxom lasses, 
how they hung about the doughty Antony Van Corlear, 
— for he was a jolly, rosy-faced, lusty bachelor, fond of 
his joke, and withal a desperate rogue among the women. 
Tain would they have kept him to comfort them while 
the army was away; for, besides what I have said of him, 
it is no more than justice to add, that he was a kind- 
26 



402 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

hearted soul, noted for his benevolent attentions in com- 
forting disconsolate wives during the absence of their 
husbands ; and this made him to be very much regarded 
by the honest burghers of the city. But nothing could 
keep the valiant Antony from following the heels of the 
old governor, whom he loved as he did his very soul ; so, 
embracing all the young vrouws, and giving every one of 
them that had good teeth and rosy lips a dozen hearty 
smacks, he departed, loaded with their kind wishes. 

Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter among the 
least causes of public distress. Though the old governor 
was by no means indulgent to the follies and wayward- 
ness of his subjects, yet somehow or other he had be- 
come strangely popular among the people. There is 
something so captivating in personal bravery, that, with 
the common mass of mankind, it takes the lead of most 
other merits. The simple folk of New Amsterdam look- 
ed upon Peter Stuyvesant as a prodigy of valor. His 
wooden leg, that trophy of his martial encounters, was 
regarded with reverence and admiration. Every old 
burgher had a budget of miraculous stories to tell about 
the exploits of Hardkoppig Piet, wherewith he regaled 
his children of a long winter night, and on which he 
dwelt with as much delight and exaggeration as do our 
honest country yeomen on the hardy adventures of old 
General Putnam (or, as he is familiarly termed. Old Put) 
during our glorious Revolution. Not an individual but 
verily believed the old governor was a match for Beelze- 



i 



TEE GOVERNOR'S ADDRESS. 403 

bub himself ; and there was even a story told, with great 
mystery, and under the rose, of his having shot the devil 
with a silver bullet one dark stormy night, as he was 
sailing in a canoe through Hell-gate, — but this I do not 
record as being an absolute fact. Perish the man who 
would let fall a drop to discolor the pure stream of 
history ! 

Certain it is, not an old woman in New Amsterdam but 
considered Peter Stuyvesant as a tower of strength, and 
rested satisfied that the public welfare was secure so long 
as he was in the city. It is not surprising, then, that 
they looked upon his departure as a sore affliction. With 
heavy hearts they draggled at the heels of his troop, as 
they marched down to the river-side to embark. The 
governor, from the stern of his schooner, gave a short but 
truly patriarchal address to his citizens, wherein he rec- 
ommended them to comport like loyal and peaceable sub- 
jects, — to go to church regularly on Sundays, and to mind 
their business all the week besides. That the women 
should be dutiful and affectionate to their husbands, — 
looking after nobody's concerns but their own, — eschew- 
ing all gossipings and morning gaddings, — and carrying 
short tongues and long petticoats. That the men should 
abstain from intermeddling in public concerns, intrusting 
the cares of government to the officers appointed to sup- 
port them, — staying at home, like good citizens, making 
money for themselves, and getting children for the bene- 
fit of their countiy. That the burgomasters should look 



404 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

well to the public interest, — not oppressing tlie poor nor 
indulging the rich, — not tasking their ingenuity to devise 
new laws, but faithfully enforcing those which were al- 
ready made, — rather bending their attention to prevent 
evil than to punish it ; ever recollecting that civil magis- 
trates should consider themselves more as guardians of 
public morals than rat-catchers employed to entrap pub- 
lic delinquents. Finally, he exhorted them, one and all, 
high and low, rich and poor, to conduct themselves as 
wdl as they could, assuring them that if they faithfully and 
cojiscientiously complied with this golden rule, there was 
no danger but that they would all conduct themselves 
well enough. This done, he gave them a paternal bene- 
diction, the sturdy Antony sounded a most loving fare- 
well with his trumpet, the jolly crews put up a shout of 
triumph, and the invincible armada swept off proudly 
down the bay. 

The good people of New Amsterdam crowded down to 
the Battery, — that blest resort, from whence so many a 
tender prayer has been wafted, so many a fair hand wav- 
ed, so many a tearful look been cast by lovesick damsel, 
after the lessening bark, bearing her adventurous swain 
to distant climes! — Here the populace watched with 
straining eyes the gallant squadron, as it slowly floated 
down the bay, and when the intervening land at the Nar- 
rows shut it from their sight, gradually dispersed with 
silent tongues and downcast countenances. 

A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling city : the 



BEFORE FORT CASIMIR. 405 

honest burghers smoked their pipes in profound thought- 
fulness, casting many a wistful look to the weathercock 
on the church of St. Nicholas ; and all the old women, 
having no longer the presence of Peter Stuyvesant to 
hearten them, gathered their children home, and barri- 
caded the doors and windows every evening at sundown. 

In the meanwhile the armada of the sturdy Peter pro- 
ceeded prosperously on its voyage ; and after encounter- 
ing about as many storms, and water-spouts, and whales, 
and other horrors and phenomena as generally befall ad- 
venturous landsmen in perilous voyages of the kind, and 
after undergoing a severe scouring from that deplorable 
and unpitied malady called seasickness, the whole squad- 
ron arrived safely in the Delaware. 

Without so much as dropping anchor and giving his 
wearied ships time to breathe, after laboring so long on 
the ocean, the intrepid Peter pursued his course up the 
Delaware, and made a sudden appearance before Port 
Casimir. Having summoned the astonished garrison by 
a terrific blast from the trumpet of the long-winded Van 
Corlear, he demanded, in a tone of thunder, an instant 
surrender of the fort. To this demand, Suen Skytte, the 
wind-dried commandant, replied in a shrill, whiffiing 
voice, which, by reason of his extreme spareness, sounded 
like the wind whistling through a broken bellows, — 
" That he had no very strong reason for refusing, except 
that the demand was particularly disagreeable, as he had 
been ordered to maintain his post to the last extremity." 



406 BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

He requested time, therefore, to consult with Governor 
Risingh, and proposed a truce for that purpose. 

Tlie choleric Peter, indignant at having his rightful 
fort so treacherously taken from him, and thus pertina- 
ciously withheld, refused the proposed armistice, and 
swore by the pipe of St. Nicholas, which, like the sacred 
fire, was never extinguished, that unless the fort were 
surrendered in ten minutes, he would incontinently storm 
the works, make all the garrison run the gauntlet, and 
split their scoundrel of a commander like a pickled shad. 
To give this menace the greater effect, he drew forth his 
trusty sword, and shook it at them with such a fierce and 
vigorous motion, that doubtless, if it had not been ex- 
ceedingly rusty, it would have lightened terror into the 
eyes and hearts of the enemy. He then ordered his men 
to bring a broadside to bear upon the fort, consisting of 
two swivels, three muskets, a long duck fowling-piece, 
and two brace of horse-pistols. 

In the mean time the sturdy Van Corlear marshalled 
all the forces, and commenced his warlike operations. 
Distending his cheeks like a very Boreas, he kept up a 
most horrific twanging of his trumpet, — the lusty choris- 
ters of Sing-Sing broke forth into a hideous song of 
battle, — the warriors of Breuckelen and the Wallabout 
blew a potent and astonishing blast on their conch shells, 
— altogether forming as outrageous a concerto as though 
five thousand French fiddlers were displaying their skill 
in a modern overture. 



COBLEAE'S BOOK. 407 

Whetlier the formidable front of war thus suddenly 
presented smote the garrison with sore dismay, — or 
whether the concluding terms of the summons, which 
mentioned that he should surrender " at discretion," were 
mistaken by Suen Skytte, who, though a Swede, was a 
very considerate, easy-tempered man, as a compliment to 
his discretion, I will not take upon me to say ; certain it 
is he found it impossible to resist so courteous a demand. 
Accordingly, in the very nick of time, just as the cabin- 
boy had gone after a coal of fire to discharge the swivel, a 
chamade was beat on the rampart by the only drum in 
the garrison, to the no small satisfaction of both parties, 
who, notwithstanding their great stomach for fighting, 
had full as good an inclination to eat a quiet dinner as to 
exchange black eyes and bloody noses. 

Thus did this impregnable fortress once more return 
to the domination of their High Mightinesses. Skytte 
and his garrison of twenty men were allowed to march 
out with the honors of war ; and the victorious Peter, 
who was as generous as brave, permitted them to keep 
possession of all their arms and ammunition, — the same 
on inspection being found totally unfit for service, having 
long rusted in the magazine of the fortress, even before 
it was wrested by the Swedes from the windy Van Poffen- 
burgh. But I must not omit to mention that the gover- 
nor was so well pleased with the service of his faithful 
squire. Van Corlear, in the reduction of this great for- 
tress, that he made him on the spot lord of a goodly do- 



408 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

main in the vicinity of New Amsterdam, — which goes by 
the name of Corlear's Hook unto this very day. 

The unexampled liberality of Peter Stuyvesant towards 
the Swedes, occasioned great surprise in the city of New 
Amsterdam, — nay, certain factious individuals, who had 
been enlightened by political meetings in the days of 
William the Testy, but who had not dared to indulge 
their meddlesome habits under the eye of their present 
ruler, now, emboldened by his absence, gave vent to their 
censures in the street. Murmurs were heard in the very 
council-chamber of New Amsterdam ; and there is no 
knowing whether they might not have broken out into 
downright speeches and invectives, had not Peter Stuy- 
vesant privately sent home his walking-staff, to be laid 
as a mace on the table of the council-chamber, in the 
midst of his counsellors ; who, like wise men, took the 
kint, and forever after held their peace. 



CHAPTER VII. 



SHOWING THE GREAT ADVANTAGE THAT THE AUTHOR HAS OVER HIS READER 
IN TIME OF BATTLE — TOGETHER WITH DIVERS PORTENTOUS MOVEMENTS J 
WHICH BETOKEN THAT SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. 



IKE as a mighty alderman, when at a corpora- 
tion feast the first spoonful of turtle-soup sa- 
lutes his palate, feels his appetite but tenfold 
quickened, and redoubles his vigorous attacks upon the 
tureen, while his projecting eyes roll greedily round, de- 
vouring everything at table, so did the mettlesome Peter 
Stuyvesant feel that hunger for martial glory, which 
raged within his bowels, inflamed by the capture of Fort 
Casimir, and nothing could allay it but the conquest of 
all New Sweden. No sooner, therefore, had he secured 
his conquest, than he stumped resolutely on, flushed with 
success, to gather fresh laurels at Fort Christina.* 

This was the grand Swedish post, established on a 
small river (or, as it is improperly termed, creek) of the 
same name ; and here that crafty governor Jan Risingh 
lay grimly drawn up, like a gray-bearded spider in the 
citadel of his web. 

* At present a flourishing town, called Christiana, or Christeen, about 
thirty-seven miles from Philadelphia, on the post-road to Baltimore. 

■409 



410 BISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

But before we liurry into the direful scenes whicli must 
attend the meeting of two such potent chieftains, it is ad- 
visable to pause for a moment, and hold a kind of war- 
like council. Battles should not be rushed into precipi- 
tately by the historian and his readers, any more than by 
the general and his soldiers. The great commanders of 
antiquity never engaged the enemy without previously 
preparing the minds of their followers by animating 
harangues, spiriting them up to heroic deeds, assuring 
them of the protection of the gods, and inspiring them 
with a confidence in the prowess of their leaders. So the 
historian should awaken the attention and enlist the 
passions of his readers ; and having set them all on fire 
with the importance of his subject, he should put him- 
self at their head, flourish his pen, and lead them on to 
the thickest of the fight. 

An illustrious example of this rule may be seen in that 
mirror of historians, the immortal Thucydides. Having 
arrived at the breaking out of the Peloponnesian war, 
one of his commentators observes that " he sounds the 
charge in all the disposition and spirit of Homer. He 
catalogues the allies on both sides. He awakens our ex- 
pectations, and fast engages our attention. All mankind 
are concerned in the important point now going to be de- 
cided. Endeavors are made to disclose futurity. Heaven 
itself is interested in the dispute. The earth totters, and 
nature seems to labor with the great event. This is his 
solemn, sublime manner of setting out. Thus he magni- 



HISTORIANS' LICENSE. 411 

fies a war between two, as Kapin styles them, petty- 
states ; and tlius artfully lie supports a little subject by 
treating it in a great and noble method." 

In like manner, having conducted my readers into the 
very teeth of peril, — having followed the adventurous 
Peter and his band into foreign regions, surrounded by 
foes, and stunned by the horrid din of arms, — at this 
important moment, while darkness and doubt hang o'er 
each coming chapter, I hold it meet to harangue them, 
and prepare them for the events that are to follow. 

And here I would premise one great advantage which, 
as historian, I possess over my reader ; and this it is, 
that, though I cannot save the life of my favorite hero, 
nor absolutely contradict the event of a battle (both 
which liberties, though often taken by the French writers 
of the present reign, I hold to be utterly unworthy of a 
scrupulous historian), yet I can now and then make him 
bestow on his enemy a sturdy back-stroke sufficient to 
fell a giant, — though, in honest truth, he may never have 
done anything of the kind, — or I can drive his antagonist 
clear round and round the field, as did Homer make that 
fine fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon round the 
walls of Troy ; for which, if ever they have encountered 
one another in the Elysian fields, I'll warrant the prince 
of poets has had to make the most humble apology. 

I am aware that many conscientious readers will be 
ready to cry out " foul play ! " whenever I render a little 
assistance to my hero, but I consider it one of those 



412 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

privileges exercised by historians of all ages, and one 
whicli has never been disputed. An historian is, in fact, 
as it were, bound in honor to stand by his hero ; the fame 
of the latter is intrusted to his hands, and it is his duty 
to do the best by it he can. Never was there a general, 
an admiral, or any other commander, who, in giving ac- 
count of any battle he had fought, did not sorely belabor 
the enemy ; and I have no doubt that, had my heroes 
written the history of their own achievements, they 
would have dealt much harder blows than any that I 
shall recount. Standing forth, therefore, as the guardian 
of their fame, it behooves me to do them the same jus- 
tice they would have done themselves ; and if I happen 
to be a little hard upon the Swedes, I give free leave to 
any of their descendants, who may write a story of the 
State of Delaware, to take fair retaliation, and belabor 
Peter Stuyvesant as hard as they please. 

Therefore stand by for broken heads and bloody noses ! 
My pen hath long itched for a battle ; siege after siege 
have I carried on without blows or bloodshed ; but now 
I have at length got a chance, and I vow to Heaven and 
St. Nicholas, that, let the chronicles of the times say 
what they please, neither Sallust, Livy, Tacitus, Polybius, 
nor any other historian, did ever record a fiercer fight 
than that in which my valiant chieftains are now about 
to engage. 

And you, oh most excellent readers, whom, for your 
faithful adherence, I could cherish in the warmest corner 




l.\ IWCL I'ARr: IIKLLUM. 



FORT CHRISTINA. 413 

of my heart, be not uneasy, — trust the fate of our favor- 
ite Stuyvesant with me, for by the rood, come what may, 
I'll stick by Hardkoppig Piet to the last. I'll make him 
drive about these losels vile, as did the renowned Laun- 
celot of the Lake a herd of recreant Cornish knights ; 
and if he does fall, let me never draw my pen to fight 
another battle in behalf of a brave man, if I don't make 
these lubberly Swedes pay for it ! 

No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived at Fort Chris- 
tina than he proceeded without delay to intrench him- 
self, and immediately on running his first parallel, dis- 
patched Antony Van Corlear to summon the fortress to 
surrender. Van Corlear was received with all due for- 
mality, hoodwinked at the portal, and conducted through 
a pestiferous smell of salt fish and onions to the citadel, 
a substantial hut built of pine logs. His eyes were here 
uncovered, and he found himself in the august presence 
of Governor Risingh. This chieftain, as I have before 
noted, was a very giantly man, and was clad in a coarse 
blue coat, strapped round the waist with a leathern belt, 
which caused the enormous skirts and pockets to set off 
with a very warlike sweep. His ponderous l^gs were 
cased in a pair of foxy-colored jackboots, and he was 
straddling in the attitude of the Colossus of Rhodes be- 
fore a bit of broken looking-glass, shaving himself with a 
villanously dull razor. This afflicting operation caused 
him to make a series of horrible grimaces, which height- 
ened exceedingly the grisly terrors of his visage. On 



414 EI8T0BT OF NEW TORE. 

Antony Van Corlear's being announced, the grim com- 
mander paused for a moment in the midst of one of his 
most hard -favored contortions, and after eying him 
askance over the shoulder, with a kind of snarling grin 
on his countenance, resumed his labors at the glass. 

This iron harvest being reaped, he turned once more to 
the trumpeter, and demanded the purport of his errand. 
Antony Yan Corlear delivered in a few words, being a 
kind of short-hand speaker, a long message from his 
Excellency, recounting the whole history of the province, 
with a recapitulation of grievances, and enumeration of 
claims, and concluding with a peremptory demand of in- 
stant surrender ; which done, he turned aside, took his 
nose between his thumb and fingers, and blew a tremen- 
dous blast, not unlike the flourish of a trumpet of defi- 
ance, — which it had doubtless learned from a long and 
intimate neighborhood with that melodious instrument. 

Governor Risingh heard him through, trumpet and all, 
but with infinite impatience, — leaning at times, as was 
his usual custom, on the pommel of his sword, and at 
times twirling a huge steel watch-chain, or snapping his 
fingers. Van Corlear having finished, he bluntly replied, 
that Peter Stuyvesant and his siynmons might go to the 
d — 1, whither he hoped to send him and his crew of raga- 
muffins before supper-time. Then unsheathing his brass- 
hilted sword, and throwing away the scabbard, — " 'Fore 
gad," quod he, "but I will not sheathe thee again until I 
make a scabbard of the smoke-dried leathern hide of 



BISIJVGH'S DEFIANCE. 415 

this runagate Dutchman." Then having flung a fierce 
defiance in the teeth of his adversary by the lips of his 
messenger, the latter was reconducted to the portal with 
ail the ceremonious civility due to the trumpeter, squire, 
and ambassador of so great a commander; and being 
again unblinded, was courteously dismissed with a tweak 
of the nose, to assist him in recollecting his message. 

No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this insolent 
reply than he let fly a tremendous volley of red-hot exe- 
crations, which would infallibly have battered down the 
fortifications, and blown up the powder-magazine about 
the ears of the fiery Swede, had not the ramparts been 
remarkably strong, and the magazine bomb-proof. Per- 
ceiving that the works withstood this terrific blast, and 
that it was utterly impossible (as it really was in those 
unphilosophic days) to carry on a war with words, he 
ordered his merry men all to prepare for an immediate 
assault. But here a strange murmur broke out among 
his troops, beginning with the tribe of the Van Bummels, 
those valiant trenchermen of the Bronx, and spreading 
from man to man, accompanied with certain mutinous 
looks and discontented murmurs. For once in his life, 
and only for once, did the great Peter turn pale, for he 
verily thought his warriors were going to falter in this 
hour of perilous trial, and thus to tarnish forever the 
fame of the province of New Netherlands. 

But soon did he discover, to his great joy, that in his 
suspicion he deeply wronged his most undaunted army; 



416 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

for the cause of this agitation and uneasiness simply was, 
that the hour of dinner was at hand, and it would have 
almost broken the hearts of these regular Dutch warriors 
to have broken in upon the invariable routine of their 
habits. Besides, it was an established rule among our 
ancestors always to fight upon a full stomach ; and to this 
may be doubtless attributed the circumstance that they 
came to be so renowned in arms. 

And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, and 
their no less hearty comrades, all lustily engaged under 
the trees, buffeting stoutly with the contents of their wal- 
lets, and taking such affectionate embraces of their can- 
teens and pottles as though they verily believed they 
■were to be the last. And as I foresee we shall have hot 
work in a page or two, I advise my readers to do the 
same, for which purpose I will bring this chapter to a 
close, — giving them my word of honor, that no advantage 
shall be taken of this armistice to surprise, or in any wise 
molest, the honest Nederlanders while at their vigorous 
repast. 



CHAPTEK yill. 



CONTAINING THE MOST HORRIBLE BATTLE EVER RECORDED IN POETRY OR PROSE ; 
WITH THE ADMIRABLE EXPLOITS OF PETER THE HEADS'"RONG. 




OW had the Dutchmen snatched a huge repast, 
and finding themselves wonderfully encouraged 
and animated thereby, prepared to take the 
field. Expectation, says the writer of the Stuyvesant 
manuscript, — Expectation now stood on stilts. The world 
forgot to turn round, or rather stood still, that it might 
witness the afiray, — like a round-bellied alderman, watch- 
ing the combat of two chivalrous flies upon his jerkin. 
The eyes of all mankind, as usual in such cases, were 
turned upon Fort Christina. The sun, like a little man in 
a crowd at a puppet-show, scampered about the heavens, 
popping his head here and there, and endeavoring to get 
a peep between the unmannerly clouds that obtruded 
themselves in his way. The historians filled their ink- 
horns ; the poets went without their dinners, either that 
they might buy paper and goose-quills, or because they 
could not get anything to eat. Antiquity scowled sulkily 
out of its grave, to see itself outdone, — while even Pos- 
terity stood mute, gazing in gaping ecstasy of retrospec- 
tion on the eventful field. 

27 417 



418 HISTORY OF IfEW YORK. 

The immortal deities, who whilom had seen service at 
the "affair" of Troy, now mounted their feather-bed 
clouds, and sailed over the plain, or mingled among the 
combatants in different disguises, all itching to have a 
finger in the pie. Jupiter sent off his thunderbolt to a 
noted coppersmith, to have it furbished up for the direful 
occasion. Yenus vowed by her chastity to patronize the 
Swedes, and in semblance of a blear-eyed trull paraded 
the battlements of Fort Christina, accompanied by Diana, 
as a sergeant's widow, of cracked reputation. The noted 
bully, Mars, stuck two horse-pistols into his belt, shoul- 
dered a rusty firelock, and gallantly swaggered at their 
elboAV, as a drunken corporal, — while Apollo trudged in 
their rear, as a bandy-legged fifer, playing most villan- 
ously out of tune. 

On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had gained a 
pair of black" eyes overnight, in one of her curtain-lec- 
tures with old Jupiter, displayed her haughty beauties 
on a baggage-wagon; Minerva, as a brawny gin-suttler, 
tucked up her skirts, brandished her fists, and swore 
most heroically, in exceeding bad Dutch (having but 
lately studied the language), by way of keeping up the 
spirits of the soldiers ; while "Vulcan halted as a club- 
footed blacksmith, lately promoted to be a captain of 
militia. All was silent awe, or bustling preparation : war 
reared his horrid front, gnashed loud his iron fangs, and 
shook his direful crest of bristling bayonets. 

And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out their 



PETER STUYVESANrS ABMT. 419 

hosts. Here stood stout Eisingh., firm as a thousand 
rocks, — incrusted with stockades, and intrenched to the 
chin in mud batteries. His valiant soldiery lined the 
breastwork in grim array, each having his mustachios 
fiercely greased, and his hair pomatumed back, and 
queued so stiffly, that he grinned above the ramparts like 
a grisly death's-head. 

There came on the intrepid Peter, — his brows knit, his 
teeth set, his fists clenched, almost breathing forth vol- 
umes of smoke, so fierce was the fire that raged within 
his bosom. H!is faithful squire Van Corlear trudged val- 
iantly at his heels, with his trumjDet gorgeously bedecked 
with red and yellow ribbons, the remembrances of his 
fair mistresses at the Manhattoes. Then came waddling 
on the sturdy chivalry of the Hudson. There were the Van 
Wycks, and the Van Dycks, and the Ten Eycks ; the Van 
Nesses, the Van Tassels, the Van Grolls ; the Van Hoe- 
sens, the Van Giesons, and the Van Blarcoms ; the Van 
Warts, the Van Winkles, the Van Dams ; the Van Pelts, 
the Van Eippers, and the Van Brunts. There were the 
Van Homes, the Van Hooks, the Van Buuschotens ; the 
Van Gelders, the Van Arsdales, and the Van Bummels ; 
the Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, the Vander Voorts, 
the Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools, and the Vander 
Spiegles; — then came the Hoffmans, the Hooghlands, 
the Hoppers, the Cloppers, the Eyckmans, the Dyck- 
mans, the Hogebooms, the Eosebooms, the Oothouts, the 
Quackenbosses, the Eoerbacks, the Garrebrantzes, the 



420 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

Bensons, the Brouwers, the Waldrons, the Onderdonks, 
the Varra Vangers, the Schermerhorns, the Stouten- 
burghs, the Brinkerhoffs, the Bontecous, the Knicker- 
bockers, the Hockstrassers, the Ten Breecheses and the 
Tough Breecheses, with a host more of worthies, whose 
names are too crabbed to be written, or if they could be 
written, it would be impossible for man to utter, — all for- 
tified with a mighty dinner, and, to use the words of a 
great Dutch poet, 

"Brimful of wrath and cabbage." 

For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the midst 
of his career, and mounting on a stump, addressed his 
troops in eloquent Low Dutch, exhorting them to fight 
like duyveh, and assuring them that if they conquered, 
they should get plenty of booty, — if they fell, they should 
be allowed the satisfaction, while dying, of reflecting that 
it was in the service of their country, and after they were 
dead, of seeing their names inscribed in the temple of 
renown, and handed down, in company with all the other 
great men of the year, for the admiration of posterity. 
Finally, he swore to them, on the word of a governor 
(and they knew him too well to doubt it for a moment), 
that if he caught any mother's son of them looking pale, 
or playing craven, he would curry his hide till he made 
him run out of it like a snake in spring-time. Then lug- 
ging out his trusty sabre, he brandished it three times 
over his head, ordered Yan Corlear to sound a charge. 



TEE SWEDES' ONSLAUGHT. 421 

and shouting the words " St. Nicholas and the Manhat- 
toes ! " courageously dashed forwards. His warlike follow- 
ers, who had employed the interval in lighting their pipes, 
instantly stuck them into their mouths, gave a furious 
puff, and charged gallantly under cover of the smoke. 

The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning Kisingh 
not to fire until they could distinguish the whites of their 
assailants' eyes, stood in horrid silence on the covert- 
way, until the eager Dutchmen had ascended the glacis. 
Then did they pour into them such a tremendous volley, 
that the very hills quaked around, and were terrified even 
unto an incontinence of water, insomuch that certain 
springs burst forth from their sides, which continue to 
run unto the present day. Not a Dutchman but would 
have bitten the dust beneath that dreadful fire, had not 
the protecting Minerva kindly taken care that the Swedes 
should, one and all, observe their usual custom of shut- 
ting their eyes and turning away their heads at the mo- 
ment of discharge. 

The Swedes followed up their fire by leaping the coun- 
terscarp, and falling tooth and nail upon the foe with furi- 
ous outcries. And now might be seen prodigies of valor, 
unmatched in history or song. Here was the sturdy 
Stoffel Brinkerhoff brandishing his quarter-staff, like the 
giant Blanderon his oak-tree (for he scorned to carry any 
other weapon), and drumming a horrific tune upon the 
hard heads of the Swedish soldiery. There were the Van 
Kortlandts, posted at a distance, like the Locrian archers 



422 BISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

of yore, and plying it most potently witli the long-bo-w, 
for wliicli tliey were so justly renowned. On a rising 
knoll were gathered the valiant men of Sing-Sing, assist- 
ing marvellously in the fight, by chanting the great song 
of St. Nicholas; but as to the Gardeniers of Hudson, 
they were absent on a marauding party, laying waste the 
neighboring water-melon patches. 

In a different part of the field were the Yan GroUs of 
Antony's Nose, struggling to get to the thickest of the 
fight, but horribly perplexed in a defile between two 
hills, by reason of the length of their noses. So also the 
Van Bunschotens of Nyack and Kakiat, so renowned for 
kicking with the left foot, were brought to a stand for 
want of wind, in consequence of the hearty dinner they 
had eaten, and would have been put to utter rout but foa: 
the arrival of a gallant corps of voltigeurs, composed of 
the Hoppers, who advanced nimbly to their assistance on 
one foot. Nor must I omit to mention the valiant achieve- 
ments of Antony Van Corlear, who, for a good quarter of 
an hour, waged stubborn fight with a little pursy Swedish 
drummer, whose hide he drummed most magnificently, 
and whom he would infallibly have annihilated on the 
spot, but that he had come into the battle with no other 
weapon but his trumpet. 

But now the combat thickened. On came the mighty 
Jacobus Varra Vanger and the fighting men of the Walla- 
bout ; after them thundered the Van Pelts of Esopus, to- 
gether with the Van Bippers and the Van Brunts, bearing 



TEE THICK OF THE BATTLE. 423 

down all before them ; then the Suy Dams, and the Van 
Dams, pressing forward with many a blustering oath, at 
the head of the warriors of Hell-gate, clad in their tliuu- 
der-and-lightning gaberdines ; and lastly, the standard- 
bearers and body-guard of Peter Stuyvesant, bearing the 
great beaver of the Manhattoes. 

And now commenced the horrid din, the desperate 
struggle, the maddening ferocity, the frantic desperation, 
the confusion and self-abandonment of war. Dutchman 
and Swede commingled, tugged, panted, and blowed. 
The heavens were darkened with a tempest of missives. 
Bang ! went the guns ; whack ! went the broad-swords ; 
thump ! went the cudgels ; crash ! went the musket-stocks ; 
blows, kicks, cuffs, scratches, black eyes and bloody noses 
swelling the horrors of the scene ! Thick thwack, cut 
and hack, helter-skelter, higgledy-piggledy, hurly-burly, 
head-over-heels, rough-and-tumble ! Dunder and blix- 
um ! swore the Dutchmen ; splitter and splutter ! cried 
the Swedes. Storm the works ! shouted Hardkoppig 
Peter. Fire the mine ! roared stout Risingh. Tanta-rar- 
ra-ra! twanged the trumpet of Antony Yan Corlear; — 
until all voice and sound became unintelligible, — grunts 
of pain, yells of fury, and shouts of triumph mingling in 
one hideous clamor. The earth shook as if struck with 
a paralytic stroke ; trees shrunk aghast, and witliered at 
the sight; rocks burrowed in the ground like rabbits; 
and even Cliristina creek turned from its course, and ran 
up a hill in breathless terror ! 



424 BISTORT OF NEW YORE. 

Long hung the contest doubtful ; for though a heavy 
shower of rain, sent by the " cloud-compelling Jove," in 
some measure cooled their ardor, as doth a bucket of 
water thrown on a group of fighting mastifis, yet did 
they but pause for a moment, to return with tenfold fury 
to the charge. Just at this juncture a vast and dense 
column of smoke was seen slowly rolling toward the 
scene of battle. The combatants paused for a moment, 
gazing in mute astonishment, until the wind, dispelling 
the murky cloud, revealed the flaunting banner of Michael 
Paw, the Patroon of Communipaw. That valiant chief- 
tain came fearlessly on at the head of a phalanx of oyster- 
fed Pavonians and a corps de reserve of the Van Arsdales 
and Van Pummels, who had remained behind to digest 
the enormous dinner they had eaten. These now trudged 
manfully forward, smoking their pipes with outrageous 
vigor, so as to raise the awful cloud that has been men- 
tioned, but marching exceedingly slow, being short of leg, 
and of great rotundity in the belt. 

And now the deities who watched over the fortunes of 
the Nederlanders having unthinkingly left the field, and 
stepped into a neighboring tavern to refresh themselves 
with a pot of beer, a direful catastrophe had wellnigh 
ensued. Scarce had the myrmidons of Michael Paw at- 
tained the front of battle, when the Swedes, instructed by 
the cunning Eisingh, levelled a shower of blows full at 
their tobacco-pipes. Astounded at this assault, and dis- 
mayed at the havoc of their pipes, these ponderous war- 



PETER'S ARMY REVIVED. 425 

riors gave way, and like a drove of frightened elephants 
broke through the ranks of their own army. The little 
Hoppers were borne down in the surge ; the sacred ban- 
ner emblazoned with the gigantic oyster of Communipaw 
was trampled in the dirt ; on blundered and thundered 
the heavy-sterned fugitives, the Swedes pressing on their 
rear and applying their feet a parte posts of the Van Ars- 
dales and the Van Bummels with a vigor that prodigious- 
ly accelerated their movements ; nor did the renowned 
Michael Paw himself fail to receive divers grievous and 
dishonorable visitations of shoe-leather. 

But what, oh Muse ! was the rage of Peter Stuyvesant, 
when from afar he saw his army giving way! In the 
transports of his wrath he sent forth a roar, enough to 
shake the very hills. The men of the Manhattoes pluck- 
ed up new courage at the sound, or, rather, they rallied 
at the A^oice of their leader, of whom they stood more in 
awe than of all the Swedes in Christendom. Without 
waiting for their aid, the daring Peter dashed, sword in 
hand, into the thickest of the foe. Then might be seen 
achievements worthy of the days of the giants. "Wher- 
ever he went, the enemy shrank before him ; the Swedes 
fled to right and left, or were driven, like dogs, into their 
own ditch ; but as he pushed forward singly with head- 
long courage, the foe closed behind and hung upon his 
rear. One aimed a blow full at his heart ; but tlie pro- 
tecting power wliich watches over the great and good 
turned aside the hostile blade and directed it to a side- 



426 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

pocket, where reposed an enormous iron tobacco-box, 
endowed, like tlie shield of Achilles, with supernatural 
powers, doubtless from bearing the portrait of the blessed 
St. Nicholas. Peter Stuyvesant turned like an angry bear 
upon the foe, and seizing him, as he fled, by an immeas- 
urable queue, "Ah, whoreson caterpillar," roared he, 
" here's what shall make worms' meat of thee! " So say- 
ing, he whirled his sword, and dealt a blow that would 
have decapitated the varlet, but that the pitying steel 
struck short and shaved the queue forever from his 
crown. At this moment an arquebusier levelled his piece 
from a neighboring mound, with deadly aim ; but the 
watchful Minerva, who had just stopped to tie up her 
garter, seeing the peril of her favorite hero, sent old Bo- 
reas with his bellows, who, as the match descended to the 
pan, gave a blast that blew the priming from the touch- 
hole. 

Thus waged the fight, when the stout Eisingh, survey- 
ing the field from the top of a little ravelin, perceived 
his troops banged, beaten, and kicked by the invincible 
Peter. Drawing his falchion and uttering a thousand 
anathemas, he strode down to the scene of combat with 
some such thundering strides as Jupiter is said by 
Hesiod to have taken when he strode down the spheres 
to hurl his thunder-bolts at the Titans. 

When the rival heroes came face to face, each made a 
]^odigious start in the style of a veteran stage-champion. 
Then did they regard each other for a moment with the 



THE RIVALS IN MORTAL CONFLICT. 427 

bitter aspect of two furious ram-cats on the point of a 
clapper-clawing. Then did they throw themselves into 
one attitude, then into another, striking their swords on 
the ground, first on the right side, then on the left ; at 
last at it they went, with incredible ferocity. Words can- 
not tell the prodigies of strength and valor displayed in 
this direful encounter, — an encounter compared to which 
the far-famed battles of AJax with Hector, of ^neas with 
Turnus, Orlando with Eodomont, Guy of Warwick with 
Colbrand the Dane, or of that renowned Welsh knight, 
Sir Owen of the Mountains, with the giant Guylon, were 
all gentle sports and holiday recreations. At length the 
valiant Peter, watching his opportunity, aimed a blow, 
enough to cleave his adversary to the very chine ; but 
Bisingh, nimbly raising his sword, warded it off so nar- 
rowly, that, glancing on one side, it shaved away a huge 
canteen in which he carried his liquor, — thence pursuing 
its trenchant course, it severed off a deep coat-pocket, 
stored with bread and cheese, — which provant rolling 
among the armies, occasioned a fearful scrambling be- 
tween the Swedes and Dutchmen, and made the general 
battle to wax more furious than ever. 

Enraged to see his military stores laid waste, the stout 
Kisingh, collecting all his forces, aimed a mighty blow 
full at the hero's crest. In vain did his fierce little 
cocked hat oppose its course. The biting steel clove 
through the stubborn ram beaver, and would have 
cracked the crown of any one not endowed with super- 



4:28 ET8T0RT OF NEW YORK. 

natural hardness of head; but the brittle weapon shiv- 
ered in pieces on the skull of Hardkopj)ig Piet, shedding 
a thousand sparks, like beams of glory, round his grizzly 
visage. 

The good Peter reeled with the blow, and turning up 
his eyes beheld a thousand suns, besides moons and stars, 
dancing about the firmament ; at length, missing his 
footing, by reason of his wooden leg, down he came on 
his seat of honor with a crash which shook the surround- 
ing hills, and might have wrecked his frame, had he not 
been received into a cushion softer than velvet, which 
Providence, or Minerva, or St. Nicholas, or some cow, 
had benevolently prepared for his reception. 

The furious Risingh, in spite of the maxim, cherished 
by all true knights, that " fair play is a jewel," hastened 
to take advantage of the hero's fall ; but, as he stooped to 
give a fatal blow, Peter Stuyvesanfc dealt him a thwack 
over the sconce with his wooden leg, which set a chime 
of bells ringing triple bob-majors in his cerebellum. 
The bewildered Swede staggered with the blow, and the 
wary Peter seizing a pocket-pistol, which lay hard by, 
discharged it full at the head of the reeling Eisingh. 
Let not my reader mistake ; it was not a murderous 
weapon loaded with powder and ball, but a little sturdy 
stone pottle charged to the muzzle with a double dr.im 
of true Dutch courage, which the knowing Antony Yan 
Corlear carried about him by way of replenishing his 
valor, and which had dropped from his wallet during 



VICTORY! 429 

his furious encounter witli tlie drummer. The hideous 
weapon sang through the air, and true to its course as 
"was the fragment of a rock discharged at Hector by bully 
Ajax, encountered the head of the gigantic Swede with 
matchless violence. 

This heaven-directed blow decided the battle. The 
ponderous pericranium of General Jan Risingh sank 
upon his breast ; his knees tottered under him ; a death- 
like torpor seized upon his frame, and he tumbled to the 
earth with such violence, that old Pluto started with 
affright, lest he should have broken through the roof of 
his infernal palace. 

His fall was the signal of defeat and victory : the 
Swedes gave way, the Dutch pressed forward ; the for- 
mer took to their heels, the latter hotly pursued. Some 
entered with them, pell-mell, through the sally-port ; 
others stormed the bastion, and others scrambled over 
the curtain. Thus in a little while the fortress of Fort 
Christina, which, like another Troy, had stood a siege of 
full ten hours, was carried by assault, without the loss of 
a single man on either side. Victory, in the likeness of a 
gigantic ox-fly, sat perched upon the cocked hat of the 
gallant Stuyvesant ; and it was declared, by all the writ- 
ers whom he hired to write the history of his expedition, 
that on this memorable day he gained a sufiicient quan- 
tity of glory to immortalize a dozen of the greatest 
heroes in Christendom ! 



CHAPTER IX. 



IN WHICH THE AUTHOR AND THE READER, WHILE REPOSING AFTER THE BAT- 
TLE, FALL INTO A VERY GRAVE DISCOURSE — AFTER WHICH IS RECORDED 
THE CONDUCT OF PETER STUYVESANT AFTER HIS VICTORY. 



HANKS to St. Nicholas, we have safely finished 
this tremendous battle : let us sit down, my 
worthy reader, and cool ourselves, for I am in a 
prodigious sweat and agitation ; truly this fighting of bat- 
tles is hot work ! and if your great commanders did but 
know what trouble they give their historians, they would 
not have the conscience to achieve so many horrible vic- 
tories. But methinks I hear my reader complain, that 
throughout this boasted battle there is not the least 
slaughter, nor a single individual maimed, if we except 
the unhappy Swede, who was shorn of his queue by the 
trenchant blade of Peter Stuyvesant ; all which, he ob- 
serves, is a great outrage on probability, and highly in- 
jurious to the interest of the narration. 

This is certainly an objection of no little moment, but 
it arises entirely from the obscurity enveloping the re- 
mote periods of time about which I have undertaken to 
write. Thus, though doubtless, from the importance of 
the object and the prowess of the parties concerned, there 

430 



THE BLOODLESS BATTLE. 43X 

must have been terrible carnage, and prodigies of valor 
displayed before the walls of Christina, yet, notwith- 
standing that I have consulted every history, manuscript, 
and tradition, touching this memorable though long-for- 
gotten battle, I cannot find mention made of a single man 
killed or wounded in the whole affair. 

This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme modesty 
of our forefathers, who, unlike their descendants, were 
never prone to vaunt of their achievements; but it is a 
virtue which places their historian in a most embarrass- 
ing predicament ; for, having promised my readers a hid- 
eous and unparalleled battle, and having worked them 
up into a warlike and blood-thirsty state of mind, to put 
them off without any havoc and slaughter would have 
been as bitter a disappointment as to summon a multi- 
tude of good people to attend an execution, and then 
cruelly balk them by a reprieve. 

Had the fates only allowed me some half a score of 
dead men, I had been content ; for I would have made 
them such heroes as abounded in the olden time, but 
whose race is now unfortunately extinct, — any one of 
whom, if we may believe those authentic writers, the 
poets, could drive great armies, like sheep, before him, 
and conquer and desolate whole cities by his single arm. 

But seeing that I had not a single life at my disposal, 
all that was left me was to make the most I could of my 
battle, by means of kicks, and cuffs, and bruises, and such 
like ignoble wounds. And here I cannot but compare 



432 BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

my dilemma, in some sort, to tliat of the divine Milton, 
who, having arrayed with sublime preparation his im- 
mortal hosts against each other, is sadly put to it how to 
manage them, and how he shall make the end of his bat- 
tle answer to the beginning, inasmuch as, being mere 
spirits, he cannot deal a mortal blow, nor even give a 
flesh wound to any of his combatants. For my part, the 
greatest difficulty I found was, when I had once put my 
warriors in a passion, and let them loose into the midst 
of the enemy, to keep them from doing mischief. Many 
a time had I to restrain the sturdy Peter from cleaving a 
gigantic Swede to the very waistband, or spitting half a 
dozen little fellows on his sword, like so many sparrows. 
And when I had set some hundred of missives flying in 
the air, I did not dare to suffer one of them to reach the 
ground, lest it should have put an end to some unlucky 
Dutchman. 

The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it is to a 
writer thus in a manner to have his hands tied, and how 
many tempting opportunities I had to wink at, where I 
might have made as fine a death-blow as any recorded in 
history or song. 

From my own experience I begin to doubt most po- 
tently of the authenticity of many of Homer's stories. I 
verily believe, that, when he had once launched one of 
his favorite heroes among a crowd of the enemy, he cut 
down many an honest fellow, without any authority for 
BO doing, excepting that he presented a fair mark, — and 



REFLECTIONS. 433 

that often a poor fellow was sent to grim Pluto's do- 
mains, merely because lie had a name that would give a 
sounding turn to a period. But I disclaim all such un- 
princij^led liberties ; let me but have truth and the law 
on my side, and no man would fight harder than myself ; 
but since the various records I consulted did not warrant 
it, I had too much conscience to kill a single soldier. By 
St. Nicholas, but it would have been a pretty piece of 
business ! My enemies, the critics, who I foresee will be 
ready enough to lay any crime they can discover at my 
door, might have charged me with murder outright, and 
I should have esteemed myself lucky to escape with no 
harsher verdict than manslaughter ! 

And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly sitting 
down here, smoking our pipes, permit me to indulge in a 
melancholy reflection which at this moment passes across 
my mind. How vain, how fleeting, how uncertain are all 
those gaudy bubbles after which we are panting and toil- 
ing in this world of fair delusions! The wealth which 
the miser has amassed with so many weary days, so 
many sleepless nights, a spendthrift here may squan- 
der away in joyless prodigality ; the noblest monuments 
which pride has ever reared to perpetuate a name, the 
hand of time will shortly tumble into ruins ; and even 
the brightest laurels, gained by feats of arms, may 
wither, and be forever blighted by the chilling neglect of 
mankind. "How many illustrious heroes," says the good 
Boetius, " who were once the pride and glory of the age, 
28 



434 EI8T0RT OF NEW YORK. 

hath the silence of historians buried in eternal oblivion ! " 
And this it was that induced the Spartans, when they 
went to battle, solemnly to sacrifice to the Muses, sup- 
plicating that their achievements might be worthily re- 
corded. Had not Homer tuned his lofty lyre, observes 
the elegant Cicero, the valor of Achilles had remained 
unsung. And such, too, after all the toils and perils he 
had braved, after all the gallant actions he had achieved, 
such too had nearly been the fate of the chivalric Peter 
Stuyvesant, but that I fortunately stepped in and en- 
graved his name on the indelible tablet of history, just 
as the caitiff Time was silently brushing it away for- 
ever ! 

The more I reflect, the more I am astonished at the 
important character of the historian. He is the sover- 
eign censor to decide upon the renown or infamy of his 
fellow-men. He is the patron of kings and conquerors, 
on whom it depends whether they shall live in after-ages, 
or be forgotten as were their ancestors before them. The 
tyrant may oppress while the object of his tyranny ex- 
ists ; but the historian possesses superior might, for his 
power extends even beyond the grave. The shades of 
departed and long-forgotten heroes anxiously bend down 
from above, while he writes, watching each movement of 
his pen, whether it shall pass by their names with neg- 
lect, or inscribe them on the deathless pages of renown. 
Even the drop of ink which hangs trembling on his pen, 
which he may either dash upon the floor, or waste in idle 



REFLECTIONS. 435 

scrawlings, — that very drop, which to him is not worth 
the twentieth part of a farthing, may be of incalculable 
value to some departed worthy, may elevate half a score, 
in one moment, to immortality, who would have given 
worlds, had they possessed them, to insure the glorious 
meed. 

Let not my readers imagine, however, that I am in- 
dulging in vainglorious boastings, or am anxious to bla- 
zon forth the importance of my tribe. On the contrary, I 
shrink when I reflect on the awful responsibility we his- 
torians assume ; I shudder to think what direful commo- 
tions and calamities we occasion in the world ; I swear to 
thee, honest reader, as I am a man, I weep at the very 
idea! Why, let me ask, are so many illustrious men daily 
tearing themselves away from the embraces of their fami- 
lies, slighting the smiles of beauty, despising the allure- 
ments of fortune, and exposing themselves to the miseries 
of war? "Why are kings desolating empires, and depopu- 
lating whole countries? In short, what induces all great 
men of all ages and countries to commit so many victories 
and misdeeds, and inflict so many miseries upon mankind 
and upon themselves, but the mere hope that some histo- 
rian will kindly take them into notice, and admit them 
into a corner of his volume? For, in short, the mighty 
object of all their toils, their hardships, and privations, is 
nothing but immortal fame. And what is immortal fame? 
— why, half a page of dirty paper! Alas! alas! how hu- 
miliating the idea, that the renown of so great a man as 



436 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

Peter Stuyvesant should depend upon the pen of so little 
a man as Diedricli Knickerbocker ! 

And now, having refreshed ourselves after the fatigues 
and perils of the field, it behooves us to return once more 
to the scene of conflict, and inquire what were the results 
of this renowned conquest. The fortress of Christina 
being the fair metropolis, and in a manner the key to New 
Sweden, its capture was speedily followed by the entire 
subjugation of the province. This was not a little pro- 
moted by the gallant and courteous deportment of the 
chivalric Peter. Though a man terrible in battle, yet in 
the hour of victory was he endued with a spirit generous, 
merciful, and humane. He vaunted not over his enemies, 
nor did he make defeat more galling by unmanly insults ; 
for like that mirror of knightly virtue, the renowned Pala- 
din Orlando, he was more anxious to do great actions than 
to talk of them after they were done. He put no man to 
death ; ordered no houses to be burnt down ; permitted 
no ravages to be perpetrated on the property of the van- 
quished; and even gave one of his bravest officers a 
severe admonishment with his walking-staff, for having 
been detected in the act of sacking a hen-roost. 

He moreover issued a proclamation, inviting the in- 
habitants to submit to the authority of their High Migh- 
tinesses; but declaring, with unexampled clemency, that 
whoever refused should be lodged at the public expense, 
in a goodly castle provided for the purpose, and have an 
armed retinue to wait on them in the bargain. In conse- 



IfEW SWEDEN'S ALLEGIANCE. 437 

quence of these beneficent terms, about thirty Swedes 
stepped manfully forward and took the oath of allegiance ; 
in reward for which they were graciously permitted to re- 
main on the banks of the Delaware, where their descend- 
ants reside at this very day. I am told, however, by di- 
vers observant travellers, thaj; they have never been able 
to get over the chapfallen looks of their ancestors, but that 
they still do strangely transmit from father to son mani- 
fest marks of the sound drubbing given them by the 
sturdy Amsterdammers. 

The whole country of New Sweden, having thus yielded 
to the arms of the triumphant Peter, was reduced to a 
colony called South River, and placed under the superin- 
tendence of a lieutenant-governor, subject to the control 
of the supreme government of New Amsterdam. This 
great dignitary was called Mynheer William Beekman, 
or rather -Sec/^-man, who derived his surname, as did 
Ovidious Naao of yore, from the lordly dimensions of his 
nose, which projected from the centre of his countenance, 
like the beak of a parrot. He was the great progenitor of 
the tribe of the Beekmans, one of the most ancient and 
honorable families of the province, the members of which 
do gratefully commemorate the origin of their dignity, — ■ 
not as your noble families in England would do, by hav- 
ing a glowing proboscis emblazoned in their escutcheon, 
but by one and all wearing a right goodly nose, stuck in 
the very middle of their faces. 

Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriously termi- 



438 HISTORY OF NEYi TORE. 

nated, witli tlie loss of only two men : Wolfert Van 
Home, a tall spare man, who was knocked overboard by 
the boom of a sloop in a flaw of wind ; and fat Brom Van 
Bummel, who was suddenly carried off by an indigestion ; 
both, however, were immortalized, as having bravely 
fallen in the service of their country. True it is, Peter 
Stuyvesant had one of his limbs terribly fractured in the 
act of storming the fortress ; but as it was fortunately 
his wooden leg, the wound was promptly and effectually 
healed. 

And now nothing remains to this branch of my history 
but to mention that this immaculate hero, and his victo- 
rious army, returned joyously to the Manhattoes ; where 
they made a solemn and triumphant entry, bearing with 
them the conquered Risingh, and the remnant of his bat- 
tered crew, who had refused allegiance ; for it appears 
that the gigantic Swede had only fallen into a swoon, at 
the end of the battle, from which he was speedily re- 
stored by a wholesome tweak of the nose. 

These captive heroes were lodged, according to the 
promise of the governor, at the public expense, in a fair 
and spacious castle, — being the prison of state, of which 
Stoffel Brinkerhoff, the immortal conqueror of Oyster 
Bay, was appointed governor, and which has ever since 
remained in the possession of his descendants.* 

It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness the joy 

* This castle, though very much altered and modernized, is still in be- 
ing, and stands at the corner of Pearl Street, facing Coentie's slip. 



TEE WARRIORS RETURN. 439 

of the people of New Amsterdam, at beholding their war- 
riors once more return from this war in the wilderness. 
The old women thronged round Antony Van Corlear, wdio 
gave the whole history of the campaign with matchless 
accuracy, saving that he took the credit of fighting the 
•whole battle himself, and especially of vanquishing the 
stout Hisingh, — which he considered himself as clearly 
entitled to, seeing that it was effected by his own stone 
pottle. 

The schoolmasters throughout the town gave holiday 
to their little urchins, who followed in droves after the 
drums, with paper caps on their heads, and sticks in 
their breeches, thus taking the first lesson in the art of 
war. As to the sturdy rabble, they thronged at the heels 
of Peter Stuyvesant wherever he went, waving their 
greasy hats in the air, and shouting " Hardkoppig Piet 
forever ! " 

It was indeed a day of roaring rout and jubilee. A 
huge dinner was prepared at the Stadtho in honor of 
the conquerors, where were assembled in one glorious 
constellation the great and little luminaries of New Am- 
sterdam. There were the lordly Schout and his obsequi- 
ous deputy ; the burgomasters with their ofiicious sche- 
pens at their elbows ; the subaltern ofiicers at the elbows 
of the schepons, and so on down to the lowest lianger-on 
of police : every tag having his rag at his side, to finish 
his pipe, drink off his heel-taps, and laugh at his flights 
of immortal dulness. In short, — for a city feast is a city 



440 HISTORY OF NEW YOBK. 

feast all tlie world over, and has been a city feast ever 
since tlie creation, — the dinner went off mucli the same as 
do our great corporation junketings and Fourth-of-July 
banquets. Loads of fish, flesh, and fowl were devoured, 
oceans of liquor drank, thousands of pipes smoked, and 
many a dull joke honored with much obstreperous fat- 
sided laughter. 

I must not omit to mention that to this far-famed vic- 
tory Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for another of his 
many titles ; for so hugely delighted were the honest 
burghers with his achievements, that they unanimously 
honored him with the name of Pieter de Groodt, that is to 
say, Peter the Great, or, as it was translated into English 
by the people of New Amsterdam, for the benefit of their 
New England visitors, Piet de pig, — an appellation which 
he maintained even unto the day of his death. 








tifiill 



BOOK VII. 



CONTAINING THE THIED PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE nEADSTRONO — 
HIS TROUBLES -^VITH THE BRITISH NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND FALL 
OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 



CHAPTER I. 



HOW PETER STUTVESANT RELIEVED THE SOVEREIGN PEOPLE FROM THE BUR- 
DEN OF TAKING CARE OF THE NATION ; WITH SUNDRY PARTICITLARS OF 
niS CONDUCT IN TIME OF PEACE, AND OF THE RISE OF A GREAT DUTCH 
ARISTOCRACY. 

HE history of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant 
furnishes an edifying picture of the cares and 
vexations inseparable from sovereignty, and a 
solemn warning to all who are ambitious of attaining the 
seat of honor. Though returning in triumph and crowned 
with victory, his exultation was checked on observing the 
abuses which had sprung up in New Amsterdam during 
his short absence. His walking-staff, which he liad sent 

Ml 




442 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

home to act as vicegerent, had, it is true, kept his coun- 
cil-chamber in order, — the counsellors eying it with awe, 
as it lay in grim repose upon the table, and smoking 
their pipes in silence, — but its control extended not out 
of doors. 

The populace unfortunately had had too much their 
own way under the slack though fitful reign of William 
the Testy ; and though upon the accession of Peter Stuy- 
Tesant they had felt, with the instinctive perception 
which mobs as well as cattle possess, that the reins of 
government had passed into stronger hands, yet could 
they not help fretting and chafing and champing upon 
the bit, in restive silence. 

Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his expedition 
against the Swedes, than the old factions of William 
Kieft's reign had again thrust their heads above water. 
Pot-house meetings were again held to " discuss the state 
of the nation," where cobblers, tinkers, and tailors, the 
self-dubbed " friends of the people," once more felt them- 
selves inspired with the gift of legislation, and undertook 
to lecture on every movement of government. 

Now, as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular inclination to 
govern the province by his individual will, his first move, 
on his return, was to put a stop to this gratuitous legis- 
lation. Accordingly, one evening, when an inspired cob- 
bler was holding forth to an assemblage of the kind, the 
intrepid Peter suddenly made his appearance, with his 
ominous walking-staff in his hand, and a countenance 



THE OBATOBICAL COBBLER. 443 

sufficient to petrify a mill-stone. The whole meeting was 
thrown into confusion, — the orator stood ag-hast, with 
open mouth and trembling knees, while " horror ! tyran- 
ny! liberty! rights! taxes! death! destruction!" and a 
host of other patriotic phrases were bolted forth before 
he had time to close his li|)s. Peter took no notice 
of the skulking throng, but strode up to the brawling 
bully-ruffian, and pulling out a huge silver watch, which 
might have served in times of yore as a town-clock, and 
-which is still retained by his descendants as a family 
curiosity, requested the orator to mend it, and set it go- 
ing. The orator humbly confessed it was utterly out of 
his power, as he was unacquainted with the nature of its 
construction. " Nay, but," said Peter, " try your ingenu- 
ity, man : you see all the springs and wheels, and how 
easily the clumsiest hand may stoj) it, and pull it to 
pieces ; and why should it not be equally easy to regu- 
late as to stop it ? " The orator declared that his trade 
was wholly different, — that he was a poor cobbler, and 
had never meddled with a watch in his life, — that there 
were men skilled in the art, whose business it was to at- 
tend to those matters ; but for his part, he should only 
mar the workmanship and put the whole in confusion. 
"Why, harkee, master of mine," cried Peter, — turning 
suddenly upon him, with a countenance that almost petri- 
fied the patcher of shoes into a perfect lapstone, — " dost 
thou pretend to meddle with the movements of govern- 
ment, — to regulate, and correct, and patch, and cobble a 



444 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

complicated macliine, tlie principles of whicli are above 
tliy comprehension, and its simplest operations too subtle 
for thy understanding, when thou canst not correct a tri- 
fling error in a common piece of mechanism, the whole 
mystery of which is open to thy inspection ? — Hence with 
thee to the leather and stone, which are emblems of thy 
head; cobble thy shoes, and confine thyself to the voca- 
tion for which Heaven has fitted thee. But," elevating his 
voice until it made the welkin ring, " if ever I catch thee, 
or any of thy tribe, meddling again with the affairs of 
government, by St. Nicholas, but I'll have every mother's 
bastard of ye flayed alive, and your hides stretched for 
drum-heads, that ye may thenceforth make a noise to 
some purpose ! " 

This threat, and the tremendous voice in which it was 
uttered, caused the whole multitude to quake with fear. 
The hair of the orator rose on his head like his own 
swines' bristles, and not a knight of the thimble present 
but his heart died within him, and he felt as though ha 
could have verily escaped through the eye of a needle. 
The assembly dispersed in silent consternation ; the 
pseudo-statesmen, who had hitherto undertaken to regu- 
late public affairs, were now fain to stay at home, hold 
their tongues, and take care of their families ; and party 
feuds died away to such a degree, that many thriving 
keepers of taverns and dram-shops were utterly ruined 
for want of business. But though this measure produced 
the desired effect in putting an extinguisher on the new 



CHARGES AOAINBT PETER. 445 

lights just brightening up, yet did it tend to injure the 
popularity of the Great Peter with the thinking part of 
the community, that is to say, that part which thinks for 
others instead of for themselves, or, in other words, who 
attend to everybody's business but their own. These 
accused the old governor of being highly aristocratical ; 
and in truth there seems to have been some ground for 
such an accusation ; for he carried himself with a lofty, 
soldier-like air, and was somewhat particular in dress, 
appearing, when not in uniform, in rich apparel of the 
antique flaundrish cut, and was especially noted for hav- 
ing his sound leg (which was a very comely one) always 
arrayed in a red stocking and high-heeled shoe. 

Justice he often dispensed in the primitive patriarchal 
way, seated on the " stoep " before his door, under the 
shade of a great button-wood tree ; but all visits of form 
and state were received with something of court cere- 
mony in the best parlor ; where Antony the Trumpeter 
officiated as high chamberlain. On public occasions he 
appeared with great pomp of equipage, and always rode 
to church in a yellow wagon with flaming red wheels. 

These symptoms of state and ceremony, as we have 
hinted, were much cavilled at by the thinking (and talk- 
ing) part of the community. They had been accustomed 
to find easy access to their former governors, and in par- 
ticular had lived on terms of extreme intimacy with 
"William the Testy ; and they accused Peter Stuyvesant 
of assuming too much dignity and reserve, and of wrap- 



446 EISTOBi OF NEW TORE. 

ping himself in mystery. Others, however, have pre- 
tended to discover in all this a shrewd policy on the jDart 
of the old governor. It is certainly of the first impor- 
tance, say they, that a country should be governed by 
wise men : but then it is almost equally important that 
the people should think them wise ; for this belief alone 
can produce willing subordination. To keep up, how- 
ever, this desirable confidence, in rulers, the people 
should be allowed to see as little of them as possible. 
It is the mystery which envelops great men, that gives 
them half their greatness. There is a kind of supersti- 
tious reverence for office which leads us to exaggerate 
the merits of the occupant, and to suppose that he must 
be wiser than common men. He, however, who gains ac- 
cess to cabinets, soon finds out by what foolishness the 
world is governed. He finds that there is quackery in 
legislation as in everything else ; that rulers have their 
whims and errors as well as other men, and are not so 
wonderfully superior as he had imagined, since even he 
may occasionally confute them in argument. Thus awe 
subsides into confidence, confidence inspires familiarity, 
and familiarity produces contempt. Such was the case, 
say they, with William the Testy. By making himself 
too easy of access, he enabled every scrub-politician to 
measure wits with him, and to find out the true dimen- 
sions not only of his person but of his mind : and thus it 
was that, by being familiarly scanned, he was discovered 
to be a very little man. Peter Stuyvesant on the con- 



CHARGES AGAINST PETEE. 4A7 

traiy, say tliey, by conducting liimself witli dignity and 
loftiness, was looked up to with great reverence. As lie 
never gave his reasons for anything he did, the public 
gave him credit for very profound ones ; every move- 
ment, however intrinsically unimportant, was a matter of 
speculation ; and his very red stockings excited some re- 
spect, as being different from the stockings of other men. 

Another charge against Peter Stuyvesant was that he 
had a great leaning in favor of the patricians ; and indeed 
in his time rose many of those mighty Dutch families 
which have taken such vigorous root, and branched out 
so luxuriantly in our State. Some, to be sure, were of 
earlier date, such as the Van Kortlandts, the Van Zandts, 
the Ten Broecks, the Harden Broecks, and others of Pa- 
vonian renown, who gloried in the title of " Discoverers," 
from having been engaged in the nautical expedition 
from Communipaw, in which they so heroically braved 
the terrors of Hell-gate and Buttermilk Channel, and 
discovered a site for New Amsterdam. 

Others claimed to themselves the appellation of " Con- 
querors," from their gallant achievements in New Sweden 
and their victory over the Yankees at Oyster Bay. Such 
was that list of warlike worthies heretofore enumerated, 
beginning with the Van Wycks, the Van Dycks, and the 
Ten Eycks, and extending to the Eutgers, the Bensons, 
the Brinkerhoffs, and the Schermerhorns, — a roll equal 
to the Doomsday-Book of William the Conqueror, and 
establishing the heroic origin of many an ancient aristo- 



4AS HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

cratical Dutch family. These, after all, are the only legi- 
timate nobility and lords of the soil; these are the real 
"beavers of the Mauhattoes "; and much does it grieve 
me in modern days to see them elbowed aside by foreign 
invaders, and more especially by those ingenious people, 
" the Sons of the Pilgrims " ; who out-bargain them in 
the market, out-speculate them on the exchange, out-top 
them in fortune, and run up mushroom palaces so high, 
that the tallest Dutch family mansion has not wind 
enough left for its weather-cock. 

In the proud days of Peter Stuyvesant, however, the 
good old Dutch aristocracy loomed out in all its gran- 
deur. The burly burgher, in round-crowned fiaundrish 
hat with brim of vast circumference, in portly gabardine 
and bulbous multiplicity of breeches, sat on his " stoep " 
and smoked his pipe in lordly silence ; nor did it ever 
enter his brain that the active, restless Yankee, whom 
he saw through his half-shut eyes worrying about in 
dog-day heat, ever intent on the main chance, was one 
day to usurp control over these goodly Dutch domains. 
Already, however, the races regarded each other with 
disparaging eyes. The Yankees sneeringly spoke of the 
round-crowned burghers of the Mauhattoes as the " Cop- 
perheads," while the latter, glorying in their own nether 
rotundity, and observing the slack galligaskins of their 
rivals, flapping like an empty sail against the mast, re- 
torted upon them with the opprobrious appellation of 
"Platter-breeches." 



CHAPTER n. 



HOW PETER STUTTESANT LABORED TO CIVILIZE THE COMMUNITY — HOW TTE WAS 
A GREAT PROMOTER OF HOLIDAYS — HOW HE INSTITUTED KISSING ON NEW- 
YEAR'S day — HOW HE DISTRIBUTED FIDDLES THROUGHOUT THE NEW 
NETHERLANDS — HOW HE VENTURED TO REFORM THE LADIES' PETTICOATS, 
AND HOW HE CAUGHT A TARTAR. 



ROM what I have recounted in the foregoing 
chapter I would not have it imagined that the 
great Peter was a tyrannical potentate, ruling 
with a rod of iron. On the contrary, where the dignity of 
office permitted, he abounded in generosity and conde- 
scension. If he refused the brawling multitude the right 
of misrule, he at least endeavored to rule them in right- 
eousness. To spread abundance in the land, he obliged 
the bakers to give thirteen loaves to the dozen, — a golden 
rule which remains a monument of his beneficence. So 
far from indulging in unreasonable austerity, he delight- 
ed to see the poor and the laboring man rejoice ; and for 
this purpose he was a great promoter of holidays. Under 
his reign there was a great cracking of eggs at Paas or 
Easter ; "Whitsuntide or Pinxter also flourished in all its 
bloom ; and never were stockings better filled on the eve 
of the blessed St. Nicholas. 

29 449 



450 EISTOItT OF NEW YORE. 

New- Year's day, liowever, was liis favorite festival, and 
was ushered in by tlie ringing of bells and firing of guns. 
On that genial day the fountains of hospitality were bro- 
ken up, and the whole community was deluged with cher- 
ry-brandy, true Hollands, and mulled cider; every house 
was a temple of the jolly god ; and many a provident 
vagabond got drunk out of pure economy — taking in 
liquor enough gratis to serve him half a year after- 
wards. 

The great assemblage, however, was at the governor's 
house, whither repaired all the burghers of New Amster- 
dam with their wives and daughters, pranked out in their 
best attire. On this occasion the good Peter was devout- 
ly observant of the pious Dutch rite of kissing the wo- 
men-kind for a Happy New Year; and it is traditional 
that Antony the Trumpeter, who acted as gentleman 
usher, took toll of all who were young and handsome, as 
they passed through the ante-chamber. This venera- 
ble custom, thus happily introduced, was followed with 
such zeal by high and low, that on New- Year's day, dur- 
ing the reign of Peter Stuyvesant, New Amsterdam was 
the most thoroughly be-kissed community in all Chris- 
tendom. Another great measure of Peter Stuyvesant 
for public improvement was the distribution of fiddles 
throughout the land. These were placed in the hands of 
veteran negroes, who were despatched as missionaries 
to every part of the province. This measure, it is said, 
was first suggested by Antony the Trumpeter ; and the 



NEW HOLIDAYS. 451 

effect "was marvellous. Instead of those "indignation 
meetings" set on foot in the time of William the Testy, 
where men met together to rail at public abuses, groan 
over the evils of the times, and make each other misera- 
ble, there were joyous gatherings of the two sexes to 
dance and make merry. Now were instituted "quilting 
bees," and " husking bees," and other rural assemblages, 
where, under the inspiring influence of the fiddle, toil 
was enlivened by gayety and followed up by the dance. 
"Eaising bees" also were frequent, where houses sprung 
up at the wagging of the fiddle-sticks, as the walls of 
Thebes sprang up of yore to the sound of the lyre of 
Amphion. 

Jolly autumn, which pours its treasures over hill and 
dale, was in those days a season for the lifting of the 
heel as well as the heart ; labor came dancing in the train 
of abundance, and frolic prevailed throughout the land. 
Happy days ! when the yeomanry of the Nieuw Neder- 
lands were merry rather than wise ; and when the notes 
of the fiddle, those harbingers of good-humor and good- 
will, resounded at the close of the day from every hamlet 
along the Hudson ! 

Nor was it in rural communities alone that Peter Stuy- 
vesant introduced his favorite engine of civilization. Un- 
der his rule the fiddle acquired that potent sway in New 
Amsterdam which it has ever since retained. Weekly 
assemblages were held, not in heated ball-rooms at mid- 
night hours, but on Saturday afternoons, by the golden 



452 EIBTOBT OF NEW YORK. 

light of the sun, on the green lawn of the Battery, — with 
Antony the Trumpeter for master of ceremonies. Here 
would the good Peter take his seat under the spreading 
trees, among the old burghers and their wives, and watch 
the mazes of the dance. Here would he smoke his pipe, 
crack his joke, and forget the rugged toils of war in the 
sweet oblivious festivities of peace, giving a nod of ap- 
probation to those of the young men who shuffled and 
kicked most vigorously, — and now and then a hearty 
smack, in all honesty of soul, to the buxom lass who held 
out longest, and tired down every competitor, — infallible 
proof of her being the best dancer. 

Once, it is true, the harmony of these meetings was in 
danger of interruption. A young belle, just returned 
from a visit to Holland, who of course led the fashions, 
made her appearance in not more than half a dozen pet- 
ticoats, and these of alarming shortness. A whisper and 
a flutter ran through the assembly. The young men, of 
course, were lost in admiration ; but the old ladies were 
shocked in the extreme, especially those who had mar- 
riageable daughters ; the young ladies blushed and felt 
excessively for the "poor thing," and even the gover- 
nor himself appeared to be in some kind of perturba- 
tion. 

To complete the confusion of the good folks, she un- 
dertook, in the course of a jig, to describe some figures in 
algebra taught her by a dancing-master at Kotterdam. 
Unfortunately, at the highest flourish of her feet some 




A 13ELLE OF liEEIvMAN STREET. 



WOMEN'S FASHIONS. 453 

vagabond zephyr obtruded liis services, and a display of 
the graces took place, at which all the ladies present 
were thrown into great consternation ; several grave 
country members were not a little moved, and the 
good Peter Stuyvesant himself was grievously scandal- 
ized. 

The shortness of the females' dress, which h?d con- 
tinued in fashion ever since the days of William Kieft, 
had long offended his eye ; and though extremely averse 
to meddling with the petticoats of the ladies, yet he im- 
mediately recommended that every one should be fur- 
nished with a flounce to the bottom. He likewise or- 
dered that the ladies, and indeed the gentlemen, should 
use no other step in dancing than "shuffle and turn," 
and " double trouble " ; and forbade, under pain of his 
high displeasure, any young lady thenceforth to attempt 
what was termed " exhibiting the graces." 

These were the only restrictions he ever imposed upon 
the sex ; and these were considered by them as tyrannical 
oppressions, and resisted with that becoming spirit mani- 
fested by the gentle sex whenever their privileges are 
invaded. In fact, Antony Van Corlear, who, as has been 
shown, was a sagacious man, experienced in the ways of 
women, took a private occasion to intimate to the gov- 
ernor that a conspiracy was forming among the young 
vrouws of New Amsterdam ; and that, if the matter were 
pushed any further, there was danger of their leaving off 
petticoats altogether ; whereupon the good Peter shrug- 



454 HISTORY OF NF.W TOF.K. 

ged Ms shoulders, dropped the subject, and ever after 
suffered the women to wear their petticoats and cut their 
capers as high as they pleased, — a privilege which they 
have jealously maintained in the Manhattoes unto the 
present day. 



CHAPTEE ni. 



HOW TROUBLES THICKENED ON THE PROVINCE— HOW IT IS THREATENET) Bt 
THE HELDERBERGERS, THE MERRTLANDERS, AND THE GIANTS OF THE 
SUSQUEHANNA. 




|N the last two chapters I have regaled the read- 
er with a delectable picture of the good Peter 
and his metropolis during an interval of peace. 
It was, however, but a bit of blue sky in a stormy day ; 
the clouds are again gathering up from all points of the 
compass, and, if I am not mistaken in my forebodings, we 
shall have rattling weather in the ensuing chapters. 

It is with some communities as it is with certain med- 
dlesome individuals : they have a wonderful facility at 
getting into scrapes ; and I have always remarked that 
those are most prone to get in who have the least talent 
at getting out again. This is doubtless owing to the ex- 
cessive valor of those states ; for I have likewise noticed 
that this rampant quality is always most frothy and fussy 
where most confined; which accounts for its vaporing 
so amazingly in little states, little men and ugly little 
women more especially. 

Such is the case with this little province of the Nieuw 
Nederlands ; which, by its exceeding valor, has already 

455 



456 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

drawn upon itself a host of enemies; has had fighting 
enough to satisfy a province twice its size ; and is in a 
fair way of becoming an exceedingly forlorn, well-be- 
labored, and woe-begone little province. All which was 
providentially ordered to give interest and sublimity to 
this pathetic history. 

The first interruption to the halcyon quiet of Peter 
Stuyvesant was caused by hostile intelligence from the 
old belligerent nest of Rensellaerstein. Killian, the lord- 
ly patroon of Eensellaerwick, was again in the field, at 
the head of his myrmidons of the Helderberg, seeking to 
annex the whole of the Kaats-kill mountains to his do- 
minions. The Indian tribes of these mountains had like- 
wise taken up the hatchet and menaced the venerable 
Dutch settlement of Esopus. 

Fain would I entertain the reader with the triumphant 
campaign of Peter Stuyvesant in the haunted regions of 
those mountains, but that I hold all Indian conflicts to 
be mere barbaric brawls, unworthy of the pen which has 
recorded the classic war of Port Christina ; and as to 
these Helderberg commotions, they are among the flatu- 
lencies which from time to time afflict the bowels of this 
ancient province, as with a wind-colic, and which I deem 
it seemly and decent to pass over in silence. 

The next storm of trouble was from the south. Scarce- 
ly had the worthy Mynheer Beekman got warm in the 
seat of authority on the South River, than enemies began 
to spring up all around him. Hard by was a formidable 



TROUBLE WITH INDIANS. 457 

race of savages inliabiting the gentle region watered by 
the Susquehanna, of whom the following mention is made 
by Master Hariot, in his excellent history : 

" The Susquesahanocks are a giantly people, strange 
in proportion, behavior and attire — their voice sounding 
from them as out of a cave. Their tobacco-pipes were 
three-quarters of a yard long; carved at the great end 
with a bird, beare, or other device, sufficient to beat out 
the brains of a horse. The calfe of one of their legges 
measured three-quarters of a yard about ; the rest of the 
limbs proportionable."* 

These gigantic savages and smokers caused no little 
disquiet in the mind of Mynheer Beekman, threatening to 
cause a famine of tobacco in the laud ; but his most for- 
midable enemy was the roaring, roistering English colony 
of Maryland, or, as it was anciently written, Merryland, — 
so called because the inhabitants, not having the fear of 
the Lord before their eyes, were prone to make merry and 
get fuddled with mint-julep and apple-toddy. They were, 
moreover, great horse-racers and cock-fighters, mighty 
wrestlers and jumpers, and enormous consumers of hoe- 
cake and bacon. They lay claim to be the first inventors 
of those recondite beverages, cock-tail, stone-fence, and 
sherry-cobbler, and to have discovered the gastronoinical 
merits of terrapins, soft crabs, and canvas-back ducks. 

This rantipole colony, founded by Lord Baltimore, a 

* Harlot's Journal, Purch. Pilgrims. 



45S HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

British nobleman, was managed by bis agent, a swagger- 
ing Englishman, commonly called Fendall, that is to say, 
" offend all," — a name given him for his bullying propen- 
sities. These were seen in a message to Mynheer Beek- 
man, theratening him, unless he immediately swore alle- 
giance to Lord Baltimore as the rightful lord of the soil, 
to come, at the head of the roaring boys of Merryland 
and the giants of the Susquehanna, and sweep him and 
his Nederlanders out of the country. 

The trusty sword of Peter Stuyvesant almost leaped 
from its scabbard when he received missives from Myn- 
heer Beekman, informing him of the swaggering menaces 
of the bully Fendall ; and as to the giantly warriors of 
the Susquehanna, nothing would have more delighted 
him than a bout, hand to hand, with half a score of them, 
having never encountered a giant in the whole course of 
his campaigns, unless we may consider the stout Bisingh 
as such — and he was but a little one. 

Nothing prevented his marching instantly to the South 
River and enacting scenes still t.ore glorious than those 
of Fort Christina, but the neci^ssity of first putting a stop 
to the increasing aggressions and inroads of the Yankees, 
so as not to leave an enemy in his rear ; but he wrote to 
Mynheer Beekman to keep up a bold front and stout 
heart, promising, as soon as he had settled affairs in the 
east, that he would hasten to the south with his burly 
warriors of the Hudson, to lower the crests of the giants, 
and mar the merriment of the Merrylanders. 



CHAPTER IV. 

HOW PETER STtJTVESANT ADVENTURKD INTO THE EAST COUNTBT, ANB HOW 
HE FARED THERE. 

explain the apparently sudden movement of 
Peter Stuyvesant against tlie crafty men of the 
East Country, I would observe that, during his 
campaigns on the South River, and in the enchanted re- 
gions of the Catskill Mountains, the twelve tribes of the 
East had been more than usually active in prosecuting 
their subtle scheme for the subjugation of the Nieuw 
Nederlands. 

Independent of the incessant maraudings among hen- 
roosts and sqiiattings along the border, invading armies 
would penetrate, from time to time, into the very heart 
of the country. As their prototypes of yore went forth 
into the land of Canaan, with their wives and their chil- 
dren, their men-servants and their maid-servants, their 
flocks and herds, to settle themselves down in the land 
and possess it, so these chosen people of modern days 
would progress through the country in patriarchal style, 
conducting carts and wagons laden with household furni- 
ture, with women and children piled on top, and pots and 
kettles dangling beneath. At the tails of these vehicles 

459 



460 BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

would stalk a crew of long-limbed, lank-sided varlets, 
with axes on their shoulders and packs on their backs, 
resolutely bent upon " locating " themselves, as they 
termed it, and improving the country. These were the 
most dangerous kind of invaders. It is true they were 
guilty of no overt acts of hostility ; but it was notorious 
that, wherever they got a footing, the honest Dutchmen 
gradually disappeared, retiring slowly, as do the Indians 
before the white men, being in some way or other talked 
and chaffed, and bargained and SAvapped, and, in plain 
English, elbowed out of all those rich bottoms and fertile 
nooks in which our Dutch yeomanry are prone to nestle 
themselves. 

Peter Stuyvesant was at length roused to this kind of 
war in disguise, by which the Yankees were craftily aim- 
ing to subjugate his dominions. He was a man easily 
taken in, it is true, as all great-hearted men are apt to 
be ; but if he once found it out, his wrath was terrible. 
He now threw diplomacy to the dogs — determined to ap- 
pear no more by ambassadors, but to repair in person to 
the great council of the Amphictyons, bearing the sword 
in one hand and the olive-branch in the other, and giv- 
ing them their choice of sincere and honest peace, or 
open and iron war. 

His privy councillors were astonished and dismayed 
when he announced his determination. For once they 
ventured to remonstrate, setting forth the rashness of 
venturing his sacred person in the midst of a strange and 



ANTONY VAN CORLEAB. 461 

barbarous people. They miglit as well have tried to turn 
a rusty weather-cock with a broken-winded bellows. In 
the fiery heart of the iron-headed Peter sat enthroned 
the five kinds of courage described by Aristotle ; and had 
the philosopher enumerated five hundred more, I verily 
believe he would have possessed them all. As to that 
better part of valor called discretion, it was too cold- 
blooded a virtue for his tropical temperament. 

Summoning, therefore, to his presence his trusty fol- 
lower, Antony Yan Corlear, he commanded him to hold 
himself in readiness to accompany him the following 
morning on this, his hazardous enterprise. Now Antony 
the Trumpeter was by this time a little stricken in years, 
but by dint of keeping up a good heart, and having never 
known care or sorrow (having never been married), he 
was still a hearty, jocund, rubicund, gamesome wag, and 
of great capacity in the doublet. This last was ascribed 
to his living a jolly life on those domains at the Hook, 
which Peter Stuyvesant had granted to him for his gal- 
lantry at Fort Casimir. 

Be this as it may, there was nothing that more de- 
lighted Antony than this command of the great Peter, for 
he could have followed the stout-hearted old governor to 
the world's end, with love and loyalty ; and he moreover 
still remembered the frolicking, and dancing, and bun- 
dling, and other disports of the east country, and enter- 
tained dainty recolloctions of numerous kind and buxom 
lasses, whom he longed exceedingly again to encounter. 



462 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

Thus then did this mirror of hardihood set forth, with 
no other attendant but his trumpeter, upon one of the 
most perilous enterprises ever recorded in the annals of 
knight-errantry. For a single warrior to venture openly 
among a whole nation of foes, — but, above all, for a plain 
downright Dutchman to think of negotiating with the 
whole council of New England ! — never was there known 
a more desperate undertaking ! — Ever since I have en- 
tered upon the chronicles of this peerless but hitherto 
uncelebrated chieftain, has he kept me in a state of inces- 
sant action and anxiety with the toils and dangers he is 
constantly encountering. Oh ! for a chapter of the tran- 
quil reign of "Wouter Van Twiller, that I might repose on 
it as on a feather-bed ! 

Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have once 
already rescued thee from the machinations of these ter- 
rible Amphictyons, by bringing the powers of witchcraft 
to thine aid ? Is it not enough, that I have followed thee 
undaunted, like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the 
horrid battle of Fort Christina ? — that I have been put 
incessantly to my trumps to keep thee safe and sound, — 
now warding off with my single pen the shower of das- 
tard blows that fell upon thy rear, — now narrowly shield- 
ing thee from a deadly thrust, by a mere tobacco-box, — 
now casing thy dauntless skull with adamant, when even 
thy stubborn ram-beaver failed to resist the sword of the 
stout Risingh, — and now, not merely bringing thee oil 
alive, but triumphant, from the clutches of the gigantic 



THE DEPARTURE. 463 

Swede, by the desperate means of a paltry stone pottle ? 
Is not all this enough, but must thou still be plunging 
into new difficulties, and hazarding in headlong enter- 
prises thyself, thy trumpeter, and thy historian ? 

And now the ruddy-faced Aurora, like a buxom cham- 
bermaid, draws aside the sable curtains of the night, and 
out bounces from his bed the jolly red-haired Phoebus, 
startled at being caught so late in the embraces of Dame 
Thetis. With many a stable-boy oath he harnesses his 
brazen-footed steeds, and whips, and lashes, and splashes 
up the firmament, like a loitering coachman, half an hour 
behind his time. And now behold that imp of fame and 
prowess, the headstrong Peter, bestriding a raw-boned, 
switch-tailed charger, gallantly arrayed in full regimen- 
tals, and braying on his thigh that trusty brass-hilted 
sword, which had wrought such fearful deeds on the 
banks of the Delaware. 

Behold hard after him his doughty trumpeter, Van 
Corlear, mounted on a broken-winded, wall-eyed, calico 
mare, his stone pottle, which had laid low the mighty 
Bisingh, slung under his arm, and his trumpet displayed 
vauntingly in his right hand, decorated with a gorgeous 
banner, on which is emblazoned the great beaver of the 
Manhattoes. See them proudly issuing out of the city- 
gate, like an iron-clad hero of yore, with his faithful 
squire at his heels, the populace following with their 
eyes, and shouting many a parting wish, and hearty 
cheering. — Farewell, Hardkoppig Piet! farewell, honest 



464 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

Antony ! — Pleasant be your wayfaring — prosperous youf 
return! The stoutest hero that ever drew a sword, and 
the worthiest trumpeter that ever trod shoe-leather. 

Legends are lamentably silent about the events that 
befell our adventurers in this their adventurous travel, 
excepting the Stuyvesant manuscript, which gives the 
substance of a pleasant little heroic poem, written on the 
occasion by Dominie ^gidius Luyck,* who appears to 
have been the poet-laureate of New Amsterdam. This 
inestimable manuscript assures us, that it was a rare 
spectacle to behold the great Peter and his loyal follower 
hailing the morning sun, and rejoicing in the clear coun- 
tenance of nature, as they pranced it through the pastoral 
scenes of Bloemen Dael; which, in those days, was a 
sweet and rural valley, beautified with many a bright 
wild-flower, refreshed by many a pure streamlet, and 
enlivened here and there by a delectable little Dutch 
cottage, sheltered under some sloping hill, and almost 
buried in embowering trees. 

Now did they enter upon the confines of Connecticut, 
where they encountered many grievous difficulties and 
perils. At one place they were assailed by a troop of 
country squires and militia colonels, who, mounted on 
goodly steeds, hung upon their rear for several miles, 
harassing them exceedingly with guesses and questions, 

* This Luyck was moreover rector of the Latin School in Nieuw Neder- 
lands, 16G3. There are two pieces addressed to ^pfidius Ijuyek in D. Se- 
lyn's MSS. of poesies, upon his marriage with Judith Isendoorn. Old MS. 



THE JOURNEY. 465 

more especially tlie worthy Peter, wliose silver-chasecl leg 
excited not a little marvel. At another place, hard by the 
renowned town of Stamford, they were set upon by a great 
and mighty legion of church-deacons, who imperiously 
demanded of them five shillings, for travelling on Sunday, 
and threatened to carry them captive to a neighboring 
church, whose steeple peered above the trees ; but these 
the valiant Peter put to rout with little difficulty, inso- 
much that they bestrode their canes and galloped off in 
horrible confusion, leaving their cocked hats behind in 
the hurry of their flight. But not so easily did he escape 
from the hands of a crafty man of Pyquag, who, with un- 
daunted perseverance, and repeated onsets, fairly bargain- 
ed him out of his goodly switch-tailed charger, leaving 
in place thereof a villanous, foundered Narraganset pacer. 

But maugre all these hardships, they pursued their 
journey cheerily along the course of the soft-flowing Con- 
necticut, whose gentle waves, says the song, roll through 
many a fertile vale and sunny plain, — now reflecting the 
lofty spires of the bustling city, and now the rural beau- 
ties of the humble hamlet, — now echoing with the busy 
hum of commerce, and now with the cheerful song of the 
peasant. 

At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who was noted 
for warlike punctilio, order the sturdy Antony to sound 
a courteous salutation ; though the manuscript observes, 
that the inhabitants were thrown into great dismay when 
they heard of his approach. For the fame of his iucom- 



466 HISTORY OF NEW YORK 

parable achievements on the Delaware had spread through- 
out the east country, and they dreaded lest he had come 
to take vengeance on their manifold transgressions. 

But the good Peter rode through these towns with a 
smiling aspect, waving his hand with inexpressible maj- 
esty and condescension ; for he verily believed that the 
old clothes which these ingenious people had thrust into 
their broken windows, and the festoons of dried apples 
and peaches which ornamented the fronts of their houses, 
were so many decorations in honor of his approach, as it 
was the custom in the days of chivalry to compliment 
renowned heroes by sumptuous displays of tapestry and 
gorgeous furniture. The women crowded to the doors to 
gaze upon him as he passed, so much does prowess in 
arms delight the gentle sex. The little children, too, ran 
after him in troops, staring with wonder at his regimen- 
tals, his brimstone breeches, and the silver garniture of 
his wooden leg. Nor must I omit to mention the joy 
which many strapping wenches betrayed at beholding 
the jovial Van Corlear, who had whilom delighted them 
so much with his trumpet, when he bore the great ^ 
Peter's challenge to the Amphictyons. The kind-hearted 
Antony alighted from his calico mare, and kissed them 
all with infinite loving-kindness, — and was right pleased 
to see a crew of little trumpeters crowding around him 
for his blessing, each of whom he patted on the head, 
bade him be a good boy, and gave him a penny to buy 
molasses candy. 



CHAPTEE Y. 



now THE YANKEES SECRETLT SOUGHT THE AID OF THE BRITISH CABINET IN 
THEIR HOSTILE SCHEMES AGAINST THE MANHATTOES. 




OW SO it happened, that, while the great and 
good Peter Stuyvesant, followed by his trusty 
squire, was making his chivalric progress 
through the east country, a dark and direful scheme of 
war against his beloved province was forming in that 
nursery of monstrous projects, the British Cabinet. 

This, we are confidently informed, was the result of 
the secret instigations of the great council of the league ; 
who, finding themselves totally incompetent to vie in 
arms with the heavy-sterned warriors of the Manhattoes 
and their iron-headed commander, sent emissaries to the 
British government, setting forth in eloquent language 
the wonders and delights of this delicious little Dutch 
Canaan, and imploring that a force might be sent out to 
invade it by sea, while they should cooperate by land. 

These emissaries arrived at a critical juncture, just as 
the British Lion was beginning to bristle up his mane 
and wag his tail ; for we are assured by the anonymous 
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, that the astounding 
victory of Peter Stuyvesant at Fort Christina had re- 

467 



468 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

sounded througliout Europe, and liis annexation of the 
territory of New Sweden had awakened the jealousy of 
the British Cabinet for their wild lands at the south. 
This jealousy was brought to a head by the representa- 
tions of Lord Baltimore, who declared that the territory 
thus annexed lay within the lands granted to him by the 
British crown, and he claimed to be protected in his 
rights. Lord Sterling, another British subject, claimed 
the whole of Nassau, or Long Island, once the Ophir of 
"William the Testy, but now (he kitchen-garden of the 
Manhattoes, which he declared to be British territory 
by the right of discovery, but unjustly usurped by the 
Nederlanders. The result of all these rumors and rep- 
resentations was a sudden zeal on the part of his Maj- 
esty Charles the Second, for the safety and well-being of 
his transatlantic possessions, and especially for the re- 
covery of the New Netherlands, which Yankee logic had, 
somehow or other, proved to be a continuity of the terri- 
tory taken possession of for the British crown by the 
Pilgrims, when they landed on Plymouth Pock, fugitives 
from British oppression. All this goodly land, thiis 
wrongfully held by the Dutchmen, he presented, in a fit 
of affection, to his brother, the Duke of York, — a dona- 
tion truly royal, since none but great sovereigns have a 
right to give away what does not belong to them. That 
this munificent gift might not be merely nominal, his 
Majesty ordered that an armament should be straightway 
dispatched to invade the city of New Amsterdam by land 



KINO CHARLES' ZEAL. 469 

and water, and put his brother in complete possession of 
the premises. 

Thus critically situated are the affairs of the New 
Nederlanders. While the honest burghers are smoking 
their pipes in sober security, and the privy councillors 
are snoring in the coancil-chamber, — while Peter the 
Headstrong is undauntedly making his way through the 
east country in tbe confident hope by honest words and 
manly deeds to bring the grand council to terms, — a hos- 
tile fleet is sweeping like a thunder-cloud across the At- 
lantic, soon to rattle a storm of war about the ears of 
the dozing Nederlanders,. and to put the mettle of their 
governor to the trial. 

But come what may, I here pledge my veracity, that 
in all warlike conflicts and doubtful perplexities he will 
ever acquit himself like a gallant, noble-minded, obsti- 
nate old cavalier. — Forward, then, to the charge ! Shine 
out, propitious stars, on the renowned city of the Man- 
hattoes ; and the blessing of St. Nicholas go with thee — ■ 
honest Peter Stuyvesant. 



\ 

\ 
\ 

\ 




CHAPTEE YI. 

OF PETER STUTVESANT'S EXPEBITION INTO THE EAST COUNTRY, SHOWING THAT, 
THOUGH AN OLD BIRD, HE DID NOT UNDERSTAND TRAP. 

REAT nations resemble great men in this par- 
ticular, that their greatness is seldom known 
until they get in trouble ; adversity, therefore, 
has been wisely denominated the ordeal of true great- 
ness, which, like gold, can never receive its real estima- 
tion until it has passed through the furnace. In propor- 
tion, therefore, as a nation, a community, or an individual 
(possessing the inherent quality of greatness) is involved 
in perils and misfortunes, in proportion does it rise in 
grandeur, and even when sinking under calamity, makes, 
like a house on fire, a more glorious display than ever it 
did in the fairest period of its prosperity. 

The vast empire of China, though teeming with popu- 
lation and imbibing and concentrating the wealth of na- 
tions, has vegetated through a succession of drowsy ages ; 
and were it not for its internal revolutions, and the sub- 
version of its ancient government by the Tartars, might 
have presented nothing but a dull detail of monoto- 
nous prosperity. Pompeii and Herculaneum might have 
passed into oblivion, with a herd of their contempora- 

470 



AUBIVAL m BOSTON. 471 

ries, had. tliey not been fortunately overwhelmed by a 
volcano. The renowned city of Troy acquired celebrity 
only from its ten years' distress, and final conflagration ; 
Paris rose in importance by the plots and massacres 
which ended in the exaltation of Napoleon ; and even 
the mighty London has skulked, through the records of 
time, celebrated for nothing of moment excepting the 
plague, the great fire, and Guy Faux's gunpowder plot ! 
Thus cities and empires creep along, enlarging in silent 
obscurity, until they burst forth in some tremendous ca- 
lamity — and snatch, as it were, immortality from the ex- 
plosion ! 

The above principle being admitted, my reader will 
plainly perceive that the city of New Amsterdam and 
its dependent province are on the high-road to great- 
ness. Dangers and hostilities threaten from every side, 
and it is really a matter of astonishment, how so small a 
state has been able, in so short a time, to entangle itself 
in so many difficulties. Ever since the province was first 
taken by the nose, at the Fort of Goed Hooj), in the tran- 
quil days of Wouter Van Twiller, has it been gradually 
increasing in historic importance ; and never could it 
have had a more appropriate chieftain to conduct it to 
the pinnacle of grandeur than Peter Stuyvesant. 

This truly headstrong hero having successfully effected 
his daring progress through the east country, girded up 
his loins as he approached Boston, and prepared for the 
grand onslaught with the Amphictyons, which was to be 



472 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. - 

the crowning achievement of the campaign. Throwing 
Antony Van Corlear, who, with his calico mare, formed 
his escort and army, a little in the advance, and bidding 
him be of stout heart and great wind, he placed himself 
firmly in his saddle, cocked his hat more fiercely over his 
left eye, summoned all the heroism of his soul into his 
countenance, and, with one arm akimbo, the hand rest- 
ing on the pommel of his sword, rode into the great 
metropolis of the league, Antony sounding his trumpet 
before him in a manner to electrify the whole community. 
Never was there such a stir in Boston as on this occa- 
sion; never such a hurrying hither and thither about the 
streets; such popping of heads out of windows; such 
gathering of knots in market-places. Peter Stuyvesant 
was a straightforward man, and prone to do everything 
above-board. He would have ridden at once to the great 
council-house of the league and sounded a parley ; but the 
grand council knew the mettlesome hero they had to deal 
with, and were not for doing things in a hurry. On the 
contrary, they sent forth deputations to meet him on the 
way, to receive him in a style befitting the great poten- 
tate of the Manhattoes, and to multiply all kind of honors, 
and ceremonies, and formalities, and other courteous im- 
pediments in his path. Solemn banquets were according- 
ly given him, equal to thanksgiving feasts. Complimen- 
tary speeches were made him, wherein he was entertained 
with the surpassing virtues, long-sufferings, and achieve- 
ments of the Pilgrim-Fathers ; and it is even said he was 



WARmNG OF TEE PLOT. 473 

treated to a sight of Plymouth Eock, — that great corner- 
stone of Yankee empire. 

I will not detain my readers by recounting the endless 
devices by which time was wasted, and obstacles and de- 
lays multiplied to the infinite annoyance of the impatient 
Peter. Neither will I fatigue them by dwelling on his 
negotiations with the grand council, when he at length 
brought them to business. Sufiice it to say, it was like 
most other diplomatic negotiations : a great deal was said 
and very little done; one conversation led to another, 
one conference begot misunderstandings which it took a 
dozen conferences to explain, at the end of which both 
parties found themselves just where they had begun, but 
ten times less likely to come to an agreement. 

In the midst of these perplexities which bewildered the 
brain and incensed the ire of honest Peter, he received 
private intelligence of the dark conspiracy matured in the 
British cabinet, with the astounding fact that a British 
squadron was already on the way to invade New Amster- 
dam by sea, and that the grand council of Amphictyons, 
while thus beguiling him with subtleties, were actually 
prepared to cooperate by land ! 

Oh! how did the sturdy old warrior rage and roar, 
when he found himself thus entrapped, like a lion in 
the hunter's toil! Now did he draw his trusty sword, 
and determine to break in upon the council of the 
Amphictyons and put every mother's son of them to 
death. Now did he resolve to fight his way throughout 



474 HISTORY OF JVEW YORK. 

all the region of the east and to lay waste Connecticut 
river ! 

Gallant, but unfortunate Peter ! Did I not enter with 
sad forebodings on this ill-starred expedition? Did I 
not tremble when I saw thee, with no other counsellor 
than thine own head ; no other armor but an honest 
tongue, a spotless conscience, and a rusty sword ; no 
other protector but St. Nicholas, and no other attendant 
but a trumpeter ; did I not tremble when I beheld thee 
thus sally forth to contend with all the knowing powers 
of New England? 

It was a long time before the kind-hearted expostu- 
lations of Antony Van Corlear, aided by the soothing 
melody of his trumpet, could lower the spirits of Peter 
Stuyvesant from their warlike and vindictive tones, and 
prevent his making widows and orphans of half the popu- 
lation of Boston. With great difficulty he was prevailed 
upon to bottle up his wrath for the present, to conceal 
from the council his knowledge of their machinations, 
and by effecting his escape, to be able to arrive in time 
for the salvation of the Manhattoes. 

The latter suggestion awakened a new ray of hope in 
his bosom ; he forthwith dispatched a secret message to 
his councillors at New Amsterdamj apprising them of 
their danger, and commanding them to put the city in a 
posture of defence, promising to come as soon as possible 
to their assistance. This done, he felt marvellously re- 
lieved, rose slowly, shook himself like a rhinoceros, and 



AFFAIRS AT NEW AMSTERDAM. 475 

issued forth from his den, in much the same manner as 
Giant Despair is described to have issued from Doubting 
Castle, in the chivalric history of the Pilgrim's Progress. 
And now much does it grieve me that I must leave the 
gallant Peter in this imminent jeopardy ; but it behooves 
us to hurry back and see what is going on at New Am- 
sterdam, for greatly do I fear that city is already in a 
turmoil. Such was ever the fate of Peter Stuyvesant; 
while doing one thing with heart and soul, he was too 
apt to leave everything else at sixes and sevens. While, 
like a potentate of yore, he was absent attending to those 
things in person which in modern days are trusted to 
generals and ambassadors, his little territory at home 
was sure to get in an uproar ; all which was owing to that 
uncommon strength of intellect, which induced him to 
trust to nobody but himself, and which had acquired him 
the renowned appellation of Peter the Headstrong. 




CHAPTER VII. 

HOW THE PEOPLE OF NEW AMSTERDAM WE RETHROWN INTO A GREAT PANIC 
BY THE NEWS OF THE THREATENED INVASION, AND THE MANNER IN WHICH 
THEY FORTIFIED THEMSELVES. 

HERE is no sight more truly interesting to a 
philosopher than a community where every in- 
dividual has a voice in public affairs, where 
every individual considers himself the Atlas of the na- 
tion, and where every individual thinks it his duty to 
bestir himself for the good of his country : I say, there 
is nothing more interesting to a philosopher than such 
a community in a sudden bustle of war. Such clamor of 
tongues — such patriotic bawling — such running hither 
and thither — everybody in a hurry — everybody in trou- 
ble — everybody in the way, and everybody interrupting 
his neighbor — who is busily employed in doing nothing ! 
It is like witnessing a great fire, where the whole com- 
munity are agog — some dragging about empty engines — ■ 
others scampering with full buckets, and spilling the con- 
tents into their neighbor's boots — and others ringing the 
church-bells all night, by way of putting out the fire. 
Little firemen, like sturdy little knights storming a 
breach, clambering up and down scaling-ladders, and 

476 



TURMOIL IN NEW AMSTERDAM. ^'J'J 

bawling througli tin trumpets, by way of directing tlie 
attack. Here a fellow, in his great zeal to save the prop- 
erty of the unfortunate, catches up an anonymous cham- 
ber-utensil, and gallants it off with an air of as much self- 
importance as if he had rescued a pot of money ; there 
another throws looking-glasses and china out of the win- 
dow, to save them from the flames ; whilst those who can 
do nothing else run up and down the streets, keeping up 
an incessant cry of Fire ! Fire ! Fire ! 

"When the news arrived at Sinope," says Lucian, — 
though I own the story is rather trite, — " that Philip was 
about to attack them, the inhabitants were thrown into 
a violent alarm. Some ran to furbish up their arms ; 
others rolled stones to build up the walls, — everybody, in 
short, was employed, and everybody in the way of his 
neighbor. Diogenes alone could find nothing to do; 
whereupon, not to be idle when the welfare of his coun- 
try was at stake, he tucked up his robe, and fell to roll- 
ing his tub with might and main up and down the Gym- 
nasium." In like manner did every mother's son in the 
patriotic community of New Amsterdam, on receiving the 
missive of Peter Stuyvesant, busy himself most mightily 
in putting things in confusion, and assisting the general 
uproar. " Every man " — saith the Stuyvesant manu- 
script — " flew to arms ! " — ^by which is meant, that not 
one of our honest Dutch citizens would venture to church 
or to market without an old-fashioned spit of a sword 
dangling at his side, and a long Dutch fowling-piece on 



478 BISTORT OF NEW YORK. 

Lis shoulder ; nor would lie go out of a night without 
a lantern ; nor turn a corner without first peeping cau- 
tiously round, lest he should come unawares upon a Brit- 
ish army ; — and we are informed that Stoffel Brinker- 
hoff, who was considered by the old women almost as 
brave a man as the governor himself, actually had two 
one-pound swivels mounted in his entry, one pointing 
out at the front door, and the other at the back. 

But the most strenuous measure resorted to on this 
awful occasion, and one which has since been found of 
wonderful efficacy, was to assemble popular meetings. 
These brawling convocations, I have already shown, were 
extremely offensive to Peter Stuyvesant ; but as this was 
a moment of unusual agitation, and as the old governor 
was not present to repress them, they broke out with 
intolerable violence. Hither, therefore, the orators and 
politicians repaired, striving who should bawl loudest, 
and exceed the others in hyperbolical bursts of patriot- 
ism, and in resolutions to uphold and defend the govern- 
ment. In these sage meetings it was resolved that they 
were the most enlightened, the most dignified, the most 
formidable, and the most ancient community upon the 
face of the earth. This resolution being carried unani- 
mously, another was immediately proposed, — whether it 
were not possible and politic to exterminate Great Brit- 
ain ? upon which sixty-nine members spoke in the ajfir- 
mative, and only one arose to suggest some doubts, — 
who, as a punishment for his treasonable presumption, 



AFFAIRS AT NEW AMSTERDAM. 479 

was immediately seized by the mob, and tarred and feath- 
ered, — which punishment being equivalent to the Tarpe- 
ian Rock, he was afterwards considered as an outcast 
from society, and his opinion went for nothing. The 
question, therefore, being unanimously carried in the af- 
firmative, it was recommended to the grand council to 
pass it into a law ; which was accordingly done. By this 
measure ihf hearts of the people at large were wonder- 
fully encouraged, and they waxed exceedingly choleric 
and valorous. Indeed, the first paroxysm of alarm having 
in some measure subsided, — the old women having buried 
all the money they could lay their hands on, and their 
husbands daily getting fuddled with what was left, — the 
community began even to stand on the offensive. Songs 
were manufactured in Low Dutch and sung about the 
streets, wherein the English were most wofuUy beaten, 
and shown no quarter ; and popular addresses were made, 
wherein it was proved, to a certainty, that the fate of Old 
England depended upon the will of the New Amsterdam- 
mers. 

Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals of 
Great Britain, a multitude of the wiser inhabitants as- 
sembled, and having purchased all the British manufac- 
tures they could find, they made thereof a huge bonfire ; 
and, in the patriotic glow of the moment, every man 
present, who had a hat or breeches of English workman- 
ship, pulled it off, and threw it into the flames, — to tlie 
irreparable detriment, loss, and ruin of the English 



480 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

manufacturers. In commemoration of this great exploit, 
they erected a pole on the spot, with a device on the top 
intended to represent the province of Nieuw Nederlanda 
destroying Great Britain, under the similitude of an 
Eagle picking the little Island of Old England out of 
the globe ; but either through the unskilfulness of the 
sculptor, or his ill-timed waggery, it bore a striking re- 
semblance to a goose, vainly striving to get hold of a 
dumpling. 




CHAPTEE ym. 

HOW THE <SRAND COUNCIL OF THE NEW NETHERLANDS WERE MIRACULOUSLY 
GIFTEtr WITH LONG TONGUES IN THE MOMENT OF EMERGENCY — SHOWING THE 
VALLTE OF WORDS IN WARFARE. 

T will need but little penetration in any one con- 
versant with the ways of that wise but windy 
potentate, the sovereign people, to discover 
that notwithstanding all the warlike bluster and bustle 
of the last chapter, the city of New Amsterdam was not 
a whit more prepared for war than before. The privy 
councillors of Peter Stuyvesant were aware of this ; and, 
having received his private orders to put the city in an 
immediate posture of defence, they called a meeting of 
the oldest and richest burghers to assist them with their 
wisdom. These were that order of citizens commonly 
termed " men of the greatest weight in the community "; 
their weiglit being estimated by the heaviness of their 
heads and of their purses. Their wisdom in fact is apt 
to be of a ponderous kind, and to hang like a mill-stone 
round the neck of the community. 

Two things were unanimously determined in this as- 
sembly of venerables : First, that the city required to be 
put in a state of defence ; and, Second, that, as the danger 
31 481 



482 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

was imminent, there should be no time lost : which points 
being settled, they fell to making long speeches and bela- 
boring one another in endless and intemperate disputes. 
For about this time was this unhappy city first visited 
by that talking endemic so prevalent in this country, and 
which so invariably evinces itself wherever a number of 
wise men assemble together, breaking out in long, windy 
speeches, caused, as physicians suppose, by the foul air 
which is ever generated in a crowd. Now it was, more- 
over, that they first introduced the ingenious method of 
measuring the merits of an harangue by the hour-glass, 
he being considered the ablest orator who spoke longest 
on a question. For which excellent invention, it is re- 
corded, we are indebted to the same profound Dutch 
critic who judged of books by their size. 

This sudden passion for endless harangues, so little 
consonant with the customary gravity and taciturnity of 
our sage forefathers, was supposed by certain philoso- 
phers to have been imbibed, together with divers other 
barbarous propensities, from their savage neighbors ; who 
were peculiarly noted for long talks and council-fires, and 
never undertook any affair of the least importance with- 
out previous debates and harangues among their chiefs 
and old men But the real cause was, that the people, in 
electing their representatives to the grand council, were 
particular in choosing them for their talents at talking, 
without inquiring whether they possessed the more rare, 
difficult, and ofttimes important talent of holding their 



TALK. 483 

tongues. The consequence was, that this deliberative 
body was composed of the most loquacious men in the 
community. As they considered themselves placed there 
to talk, every man concluded that his duty to his constit- 
uents, and, what is more, his popularity with them, re- 
quired that he should harangue on every subject, whether 
he understood it or not. There was an ancient mode of 
burying a chieftain, by every soldier throwing his shield 
full of earth on the corpse, until a mighty mound was 
formed ; so, whenever a question was brought forward in 
this assembly, every member pressing forward to throw 
on his quantum of wisdom, the subject was quickly buried 
under a mountain of words. 

We are told that disciples, on entering the school of 
Pythagoras, were for two years enjoined silence, and for- 
bidden either to ask questions, or make remarks. After 
they had thus acquired the inestimable art of holding 
their tongues, they were gradually permitted to make 
inquiries, and finally to communicate their own opin- 
ions. 

With what a beneficial effect could this wise regulation 
of Pythagoras be introduced in modern legislative bodies, 
— and how wonderfully would it have tended to expedite 
business in the grand council of the Manhattoes ! 

At this perilous juncture the fatal word economy, the 
stumbling-block of William the Testy, had been once 
more set afloat, according to which the cheapest plan of 
defence was insisted upon as the best; it being deemed 



484 BISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

a great stroke of policy in furnishing powder to econo- 
mize in ball. 

Thus did dame Wisdom (whom the wags of antiquity 
have humorously personified as a woman) seem to take a 
mischievous pleasure in jilting the venerable councillors 
of New Amsterdam. To add to the confusion, the old 
factions of Short Pipes and Long Pipes, which had been 
almost strangled by the Herculean grasp of Peter Stuy- 
vesant, now sprang up with tenfold vigor. Whatever was 
proposed by Short Pipe was opposed by the whole tribe 
of Long Pipes, who, like true jDartisans, deemed it their 
first duty to effect the downfall of their rivals, their sec- 
ond, to elevate themselves, and their third, to consult the 
public good; though many left the third consideration 
out of question altogether. 

In this great collision of hard heads it is astonishing 
the number of projects that were struck out, — projects 
which threw the wind-mill system of William the Testy 
completely in the background. These were almost uni- 
formly opposed by the " men of the greatest weight in 
the community ! " your weighty men, though slow to de- 
vise, being always great at " negativing." Among these 
were a set of fat, self-important old burghers, who 
smoked their pipes, and said nothing except to negative 
every plan of defence proposed. " These were that class 
of " conservatives " who, having amassed a fortune, but- 
ton up their pockets, shut their mouths, sink, as it were, 
into themselves, and pass the rest of their lives in the in- 



PLANS AND PROJECTS. 485 

dwelling beatitude of conscious wealth ; as some phleg- 
matic oyster, having swallowed a pearl, closes its shell, 
sinks in the mud, and devotes the rest of its life to the 
conservation of its treasure. Every plan of defence 
seemed to these worthy old gentlemen pregnant with ruin. 
An armed force was a legion of locusts preying upon the 
public property ; to fit out a naval armament was to throw 
their money into the sea ; to build fortifications was to 
bury it in the dirt. In short, they settled it as a sover- 
eign maxim, so long as their pockets were full, no matter 
how much they were drubbed. A kick left no scar ; a 
broken head cured itself ; but an empty purse was of all 
maladies the slowest to heal, and one in which nature 
did nothing for the patient. 

Thus did this venerable assembly of sages lavish away 
that time which the urgency of affairs rendered invaluable, 
in empty brawls and long-winded speeches, without ever 
agreeing, except on the point with which they started, 
namely, that there was no time to be lost, and delay was 
ruinous. At length, St. Nicholas taking compassion on 
their distracted situation, and anxious to preserve them 
from anarchy, so ordered, that in the midst of one of 
their most noisy debates, on the subject of fortification 
and defence, when they had nearly fallen to loggerheads 
in consequence of not being able to convince each other, 
the question was happily settled by the sudden entrance 
of a messenger, who informed them that a liostile fleet 
had arrived, and was actually advancing up the bay ! 



CHAPTER IX. 



IN WHICH THE TROUBLES OF NEW AMSTERDAM APPEARED TO THICKEN— 
SHOWING THE BRAVERY, IN TIME OF PERIL, OF A PEOPLE WHO DEFEND 
THEMSELVES BY RESOLUTION. 



IKE PS an assemblage of belligerent cats, gib- 
bering and caterwauling, eying one another 
with hideous grimaces and contortions, spitting 
in each other's faces, and on the point of a general clap- 
per-clawing, are suddenly put to scampering rout and 
confusion by the appearance of a house-dog, so was the 
no less vociferous council of New Amsterdam amazed, as- 
tounded, and totally dispersed, by the sudden arrival of 
the enemy. Every member waddled home as fast as his 
short legs could carry him, wheezing as he went with 
corpulency and terror. Arrived at his castle, he barri- 
cadoed the street-door, and buried himself in the cider- 
cellar, without venturing to peep out, lest he should have 
his head carried off by a cannon-ball. 

The sovereign people crowded into the market-place, 
herding together with the instinct of sheep, who seek 
safety in each other's company when the shepherd and 
his dog are absent, and the wolf is prowling round the 
fold. Far from finding relief, however, they only in- 

486 



THE HOMEWARD FLIGHT. 487 

creased eacli other's terrors. Each, man looked ruefully 
in his neighbor's face, in search of encouragement, but 
only found in its woe-begone lineaments a confirmation of 
his own dismay. Not a word now was to be heard of 
conquering Great Britain, not a whisper about the sover- 
eign virtues of economy, — while the old women height- 
ened the general gloom by clamorously be .vailing their 
fate, and calling for protection on St. Nicholas and Peter 
Stuyvesant. 

Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the lion- 
hearted Peter ! and how did they long for the comforting 
presence of Antony Van Corlear ! Indeed, a gloomy un- 
certainty hung over the fate of these adventurous heroes. 
Day after day had elapsed since the alarming message 
from the governor, without bringing any further tidings 
of his safety. Many a fearful conjecture was hazarded as 
to what had befallen him and his loyal squire. Had they 
not been devoured alive by the cannibals of Marblehead 
and Cape Cod ? — had they not been put to the question 
by the great council of Amphictyons ? — had they not 
been smothered in onions by the terrible men of Py- 
quag ? In the midst of this consternation and perplexity, 
when horror, like a mighty nightmare, sat brooding upon 
the little, fat, plethoric city of New Amsterdam, the ears 
of the multitude were suddenly startled by the distant 
sound of a trumpet : it approached, it grew louder and 
louder, and now it resounded at the city gate. The pub- 
lic could not be mistaken in the well-known so and ; a 



488 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

shout of joy burst from their lips, as the gallant Peter, 
covered with dust, and followed by his faithful trum- 
peter, came galloping into the market-place. 

The first transports of the populace having subsided, 
they gathered round the honest Antony, as he dismount- 
ed, overwhelming him with greetings and congratulations. 
In breathless accents he related to them the marvellous 
adventures through which the old governor and himself 
had gone, in making their escape from the clutches of the 
terrible Amphictyons. But though the Stuyvesant man- 
uscript, with its customary minuteness where anything 
touching the great Peter is concerned, is very particular 
as to the incidents of this masterly retreat, the state of 
the public affairs will not allow me to indulge in a full 
recital thereof. Let it suffice to say, that, while Peter 
Stuyvesant was anxiously revolving in his mind how he 
could make good his escape with honor and dignity, cer- 
tain of the ships sent out for the conquest of the Manhat- 
toes touched at the eastern ports to obtain supplies, and 
to call on the grand council of the league for its promised 
cooperation. Upon hearing of this, the vigilant Peter, per- 
ceiving that a moment's delay were fatal, made a secret 
and precipitate decampment; though much did it grieve 
his lofty soul to be obliged to turn his back even upon a 
nation of foes. Many hair-breadth 'scapes and divers 
perilous mishaps did they sustain, as they scoured, with- 
out sound of trumpet, through the fair regions of the 
east. Already was the country in an uproar with hostile 



PARLEY WITH TEE BBITISH. 489 

preparations, and tliey were obliged to take a large cir- 
cuit in their flight, lurking along through the woody 
mountains of the Devil's backbone; whence the valiant 
Peter sallied forth one day like a lion, and put to rout a 
whole legion of squatters, consisting of three generations 
of a prolific family, who were already on their way to 
take possession of some corner of the New Netherlands. 
Nay, the faithful Antony had great difl&culty, at sundry 
times, to prevent him, in the excess of his wrath, from 
descending down from the mountains, and falling, sword 
in hand, upon certain of the border-towns, who were 
marshalling forth their draggle-tailed militia. 

The first movement of the governor, on reaching his 
dwelling, was to mount the roof, whence he contemplated 
with rueful aspect the hostile squadron. This had al- 
ready come to anchor in the bay, and consisted of two 
stout frigates, having on board, as John Josselyn, Gent., 
informs us, "three hundred valiant red-coats." Having 
taken this survey, he sat himself down and wrote an 
epistle to the commander, demanding the reason of his 
anchoring in the harbor without obtaining previous per- 
mission so to do. This letter was couched in the most 
dignified and courteous terms, though I have it from un- 
doubted authority that his teeth were clinched, and he 
had a bitter, sardonic grin upon his visage all the while 
he wrote. Having disj^atched his letter, the grim Peter 
stumped to and fro about the town with a most war-be- 
tokening countenance, his hands thrust into his breeches- 



490 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

pockets, and whistling a Low-Dutcli psalm-tune, which 
bore no small resemblance to the music of a northeast 
wind, when a storm is brewing. The very dogs as they 
eyed him skulked away in dismay ; while all the old and 
ugly women of New Amsterdam ran howling at his heels, 
imploring him to save them from murder, robbery, and 
pitiless ravishment ! 

The reply of Colonel Nicholas, who commanded the 
Invaders, was couched in terms of equal courtesy with 
the letter of the governor ; declaring the right and title 
of his British Majesty to the province ; where he affirmed 
the Dutch to be mere interlopers ; and demanding that 
the town, forts, etc., should be forthwith rendered into 
his Majesty's obedience and protection; promising, at 
the same time, life, liberty, estate, and free trade to 
every Dutch denizen who should readily submit to his 
Majesty's government. 

Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle with 
some such harmony of aspect as we may suppose a 
crusty farmer reads the loving letter of John Stiles, 
warning him of an action of ejectment. He was not, how- 
ever, to be taken by surprise ; but, thrusting the sum- 
mons into his breeches-pocket, stalked three times across 
the room, took a pinch of snuff with great vehemence, 
and then, loftily waving his hand, promised to send an 
answer the next morning. He now summoned a general 
meeting of his privy councillors and burgomasters, not to 
ask their advice, for, confident in his own strong head, he 



BOLD BURGOMASTERS. 491 

needed no man's counsel, but apparently to give them a 
piece of his mind on their late craven conduct. 

His orders being duly promulgated, it was a piteous 
sight to behold the late valiant burgomasters, who had 
demolished the whole British empire in their harangues, 
peeping ruefully out of their hiding-places ; crawling cau- 
tiously forth ; dodging through narrow lanes and alleys ; 
starting at every little dog that barked ; mistaking lamp- 
posts for British grenadiers ; and, in the excess of their 
panic, metamorphosing pumps into formidable soldiers 
levelling blunderbusses at their bosoms I Having, how- 
ever, in despite of numerous perils and difficulties of the 
kind, arrived safe, without the loss of a single man, at 
the hall of assembly, they took their seats, and awaited 
in fearful silence the arrival of the governor. In a few 
moments the wooden leg of the intrepid Peter was heard 
in regular and stout-hearted thumps upon the staircase. 
He entered the chamber, arrayed in full suit of regimen- 
tals, and carrying his trusty toledo, not girded on his 
thigh, but tucked under his arm. As the governor never 
equipped himself in this portentous manner unless some- 
thing of martial nature were working within his pericra- 
nium, his council regarded him ruefully, as if they saw 
fire and sword in his iron countenance, and forgot to 
light their pipes in breathless suspense. 

His first words were, to rate his council soundly for 
having wasted in idle debate and party feud the time 
which should have been devoted to putting the city in a- 



492 HISTOBY OF NEW YORK. 

state of defence. He was particularly indignant at those 
brawlers who had disgraced the councils of the province 
by empty bickerings and scurrilous invectives against an 
absent enemy. He now called upon them to make good 
their words by deeds, as the enemy they had defied and 
derided was at the gate. Finally, he informed them of 
the summons he had received to surrender, but con- 
cluded by swearing to defend the province as long as 
Heaven was on his side and he had a wooden leg to 
stand upon ; which warlike sentence he emphasized by a 
thwack with the flat of his sword upon the table, that 
quite electrified his auditors. 

The privy councillors, who had long since been brought 
into as perfect discipline as were ever the soldiers of the 
great Frederick, knew there was no use in saying a word, 
— so lighted their pipes, and smoked away in silence, like 
fat and discreet councillors. But the burgomasters, be- 
ing inflated with considerable importance and self-suffi- 
ciency, acquired at popular meetings, were not so easily 
satisfied. Mustering up fresh spirit, when they found 
there was some chance of escaping from their present 
jeopardy without the disagreeable alternative of fighting, 
they requested a cojiy of the summons to surrender, that 
they might show it to a general meeting of the people. 

So insolent and mutinous a request would have been 
enough to have roused the gorge of the tranquil Van 
Twiller himself, — what then must have been its effect 
upon the great Stuyvesant, who was not only a Dutch- 



THE PUBLIC MEETING. 493 

man, a governor, and a valiant wooden-legged soldier to 
boot, but withal a man of the most stomachful and gun- 
powder disposition ? He burst forth into a blaze of in- 
dignation, — swore not a mother's son of them should see 
a syllable of it, — that as to their advice or concurrence, 
lie did not care a whifif of tobacco for either,^that they 
might go home, and go to bed like old women ; for he 
was determined to defend the colony himself, without 
the assistance of them or their adherents ! So saying he 
tucked his sword under his arm, cocked his hat upon his 
head, and girding up his loins, stumped indignantly out 
of the council-chamber, everybody making room for him 
as he passed. 

No sooner was he gone than the busy burgomasters 
called a public meeting in front of the Stadthouse, where 
they appointed as chairman one Dofue Eoerback, former- 
ly a meddlesome member of the cabinet during the reign 
of William the Testy, but kicked out of office by Peter 
Stuyvesant on taking the reins of government. He was, 
withal, a mighty gingerbread baker in the land, and rev- 
erenced by the populace as a man of dark knowledge, 
seeing that he was the first to imprint New-Year cakes 
with the mysterious hieroglyphics of the Cock and 
Breeches, and such like magical devices. 

This burgomaster, who still chewed the cud of ill-will 
against Peter Stuyvesant, addressed the multitude in 
what is called a patriotic speech, informing them of the 
courteous summons which the governor had received, to 



494 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

surrender, of his refusal to comply therewith, and of his 
denying the public even a sight of the summons, which 
doubtless contained conditions highly to the honor and 
advantage of the province. 

He then proceeded to speak of his Excellency in high- 
sounding terms of vituperation, suited to the dignity of 
his station ; comparing him to Nero, Caligula, and other 
flagrant great men of yore ; assuring the people that the 
history of the world did not contain a despotic outrage 
equal to the present. That it would be recorded in let- 
ters of fire, on the blood-stained tablet of history ! That 
ages would roll back with sudden horror when they came 
to view it! That the womb of time (by the way, your 
orators and writers take strange liberties with the womb 
of time, though some would fain have us believe that 
time is an old gentleman) — that the womb of time, preg- 
nant as it was with direful horrors, would never produce 
a parallel enormity ! — with a variety of other heart-rend- 
ing, soul-stirring tropes and figures, which I cannot 
enumerate ; neither, indeed, need I, for they were of the 
kind which even to the present day form the style of 
popular harangues and patriotic orations, and may be 
classed in rhetoric under the general title of Eigmabole. 

The result of this speech of the inspired burgomaster 
was a memorial addressed to the governor, remonstrating 
in good round terms on his conduct. It was proposed 
that Dofue Eoerback himself should be the bearer of 
this memorial j but this he warily declined, having no in- 



THE FUTILE MEMORIAL. 495 

clination of coming again within kicking distance of his 
Excellency. Who did deliver it has never been named in 
history, in which neglect he has suffered grievous wrong; 
seeing that he was equally worthy of blazon with him 
perpetuated in Scottish song and story by the surname 
of Bell-the-cat. All we know of the fate of this memo- 
rial is, that it was used by the grim Peter to light his 
pipe ; which, from the vehemence with which he smoked 
it, was evidently anything but a pipe of peace. 




CHAPTER X. 

CONTAINrNG A DOLEFUL DISASTER OF ANTONY THE TRUMPETER — AND HO^ 
PETEK STUYVESANT, LIKE A SECOND CROMWELL, SUDDENLY DISSOLVED A 
RUMP PARLIAMENT. 

OW did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt show- 
er down a pannier-load of maledictions upon 
his burgomasters for a set of self-willed, obsti- 
nate, factious varlets, who would neither be convinced 
nor persuaded. Nor did he omit to bestow some left- 
handed compliments upon the sovereign people, as a 
herd of poltroons, who had no relish for the glorious 
hardships and illustrious misadventures of battle, but 
would rather stay at home, and eat and sleep in ignoble 
ease, than fight in a ditch for immortality and a broken 
head. 

Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his beloved 
city, in despite even of itself, he called unto him his 
trusty Yan Corlear, who was his right-hand man in all 
times of emergency. Him did he adjure to take his war- 
denouncing trumpet, and mounting his horse, to beat up 
the country night and day, — sounding the alarm along 
the pastoral borders of the Bronx, — startling the wild 
solitudes of Crotou, — arousing the rugged yeomanry of 

496 



8PYT DEN DUTVEL. 497 

Weehd'/^ ai) '^ Hoboken, — the mighty men of battle of 
Tappan B^.j,- -and the brave boys of Tarry-Town, Petti- 
coat-Lane, and Sleepy-Hollow. — charging them one and 
all to sling their powder-horns, shoulder their fowling- 
pieces, and march merrily down to the Manhattoes. 

Now there was nothing in all the world, the divine sex 
excepted, that Antony Yan Corlear loved better than er- 
rands of this kind. So just stopping to take a lusty din- 
ner, and bracing to his side his junk-bottle, well charged 
with heart-inspiring Hollands, he issued jollily from the 
city gate, which looked out upon what is at present 
called Broadway, sounding a farewell strain, that rung 
in sprightly echoes through the winding streets of New 
Amsterdam. Alas! never more were they to be glad- 
dened by the melody of their favorite trumpeter ! 

It was a dark and stormy night when the good Antony 
arrived at the creek (sagely denominated Haerlem river) 
which separates the island of Manna-hata from the main- 
land. The wind was high, the elements were in an up- 
roar, and no Charon could be found to ferry the adven- 
turous sounder of brass across the water. For a short 
time he vapored like an impatient ghost upon the brink, 
and then bethinking himself of the urgency of his errand, 
took a hearty embrace of his stone bottle, swore most 
valorously that he would swim across in spite of the 
devil 1 (Spyt den Duyvel !) and daringly plunged into the 
stream. Luckless Antony ! Scarce had he buffeted half- 
way over, when he was observed to struggle violently, aa 
32 



498 HISTORY OF NEW YORE. 

if battling witli the spirit of the waters, — instinctively 
lie put his trumpet to his mouth, and. giving a vehement 
blast — sank forever to the bottom ! 

The clangor of his trumpet, like that of the ivory horn 
of the renowned Paladin Orlando, when expiring in the 
glorious field of Eoncesvalles, rang far and wide through 
the country, alarming the neighbors round, who hurried 
in amazement to the spot. Here an old Dutch burgher, 
famed for his veracity, and who had been a witness of 
the fact, related to them the melancholy affair ; with the 
fearful addition (to which I am slow in giving belief) 
that he saw the duyvel, in the shape of a huge moss- 
bonker, seize the sturdy Antony by the leg, and drag him 
beneath the waves. Certain it is, the place, with the ad- 
joining promontory, which projects into the Hudson, has 
been called Spyt den Duyvel ever since ; the ghost of the 
unfortunate Antony still haunts the surrounding soli- 
tudes, and his trumpet has often been heard by the neigh- 
bors, of a stormy night, mingling with the howling of the 
blast. Nobody ever attempts to swim across the creek 
after dark ; on the contrary, a bridge has been built to 
guard against such melancholy accidents in future ; and 
as to the moss-bonkers, they are held in such abhor- 
rence, that no true Dutchman will admit them to his 
table, who loves good fish and hates the devil. 

Such was the end of Antony Van Corlear, — a man de- 
serving of a better fate. He lived roundly and soundly, 
like a true and jolly bachelor, until the day of his death ; 



PETER'S TROUBLES. 499 

but tliougli he was never married, yet did he leave be- 
hind some two or three dozen children, in different parts 
of the country, — fine, chubby, brawling, flatulent little 
urchins ; from whom, if legends speak true, (and they are 
not apt to lie,) did descend the innumerable race of edi- 
tors, who people and defend this country, and who are 
bountifully paid by the people for keeping up a constant 
alarm — and making them miserable. It is hinted, too, 
that in his various expeditions into the East he did much 
towards promoting the population of the country; in 
proof of which is adduced the notorious propensity of 
the people of those parts to sound their own trumpet. 

As some way-worn pilgrim, when the tempest whistles 
through his locks, and night is gathering round, beholds 
his faithful dog, the companion and solace of his journey- 
ing, stretched lifeless at his feet, so did the generous- 
hearted hero of the Manhattoes contemplate the untimely 
end of Antony Van Corlear. He had been the faithful at- 
tendant of his footsteps ; he had charmed him in many a 
weary hour by his honest gayety and the martial melody 
of his trumpet, and had followed him with unflinching 
loyalty and affection through many a scene of direful 
peril and mishap. He was gone forever ! and that, too, 
at a moment when every mongrel cur was skulking from 
his side. This — Peter Stuyvesant — was the moment to 
try thy fortitude ; and this was the moment when thou 
didst indeed shine forth Peter the Headstrong ! 

The glare of day had long dispelled the horrors of the 



500 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

stormy night ; still all was dull and gloomy. The late 
jovial Apollo hid his face behind lugubrious clouds, 
peeping out now and then for an instant, as if anxious, 
yet fearful, to see what was going on in his favorite city. 
This was the eventful morning when the great Peter was 
to give his reply to the summons of the invaders. Al- 
ready was he closeted with his privy council, sitting in 
grim state, brooding over the fate of his favorite trum- 
peter, and anon boiling with indignation as the insolence 
of his recreant burgomasters flashed upon his mind. — 
While in this state of irritation, a courier arrived in all 
haste from Winthrop, the subtle governor of Connecticut, 
counselling him, in the most affectionate and disinterest- 
ed manner, to surrender the province, and magnifying the 
dangers and calamities to which a refusal would subject 
him. — What a moment was this to intrude officious ad- 
vice upon a man who never took advice in his whole life ! 
— The fiery old governor strode up and down the cham- 
ber with a vehemence that made the bosoms of his coun- 
cillors to quake with awe, — railing at his unlucky fate, 
that thus made him the constant butt of factious sub- 
. jects, and Jesuitical advisers. 

Just at this ill-chosen juncture, the officious burgomas- 
ters, who had heard of the arrival of mysterious de- 
spatches, came marching in a body into the room, with a 
legion of schepens and toad-eaters at their heels, and 
abruptly demanded a perusal of the letter. This was too 
much for the spleen of Peter Stuyvesant. He tore the 



WINTHBOP'S ADVICE AND THE RESULTS. 501 

letter in a thousand pieces, — threw it in the face of the 
nearest burgomaster, — broke his pipe over the head of 
the next, — hurled his spitting-box at an unlucky sche- 
pen, who was just retreating out at the door, and finally 
prorogued the v/hole meeting sine die, by kicking them 
down-stairs with his wooden leg. 

As soon as the burgomasters could recover from their 
confusion and had time to breathe, they called a public 
meeting, where they related at full length, and with ap- 
propriate coloring and exaggeration, the despotic and 
vindictive deportment of the governor ; declaring that, 
for their own parts, they did not value a straw the being 
kicked, cuflfed, and mauled by the timber toe of his Ex- 
cellency, but that they felt for the dignity of tho sover- 
eign people, thus rudely insulted by the outrage com- 
mitted on the seat of honor of their representatives. 
The latter part of the harangue came home at once to 
that delicacy of feeling and jealous pride of character 
vested in all true mobs, — who, though they may bear in- 
juries without a murmur, yet are marvellously jealous of 
their sovereign dignity ; and there is no knowing to what 
act of resentment they might have been provoked, had 
they not been somewhat more afraid of their sturdy old 
governor than they were of St. Nicholas, the English — or 
the d — 1 himself. 



CHAPTER XT. 



HOTV PETER STUTVESANT DEFENDED THE CITY OF NEW AMSTERDAM FOR 
SEVERAL DATS, BY DINT OF THE STRENGTH OF HIS HEAD. 



HERE is something exceedingly sublime and 
melancholy in the spectacle which the present 
crisis of our history presents. An illustrious 
and venerable little city, — the metropolis of a vast extent 
of uninhabited country, — garrisoned by a doughty host 
of orators, chairmen, committee-men, burgomasters, sche- 
pens, and old women, — governed by a determined and 
strong-headed warrior, and fortified by mud batteries, 
palisadoes, and resolutions, — blockaded by sea, belea- 
guered by land, and threatened with direful desolation 
from without, while its very vitals are torn with internal 
faction and commotion! Never did historic pen record a 
page of more complicated distress, unless it be the strife 
that distracted the Israelites, during the siege of Jerusa- 
lem, — where discordant parties were cutting each other's 
throats, at the moment when the victorious legions of 
Titus had toppled down their bulwarks, and were carry- 
ing fire and sword into the very sanctum sanctorum of the 
temple. 

Governor Stuyvesant having triumphantly put his 

502 



PETER'S REPLY. 503 

grand council to the roiit, and delivered himself from a 
multitude of impertinent advisers, dispatched a categori- 
cal reply to the commanders of the invading squadron; 
wherein he asserted the right and title of their High 
Mightinesses the Lords States General to the province of 
New Netherlands, and trusting in the righteousness of 
his cause, set the whole British nation at defiance ! 

My anxiety to extricate my readers and myself from 
these disastrous scenes prevents me from giving the 
whole of this gallant letter, which concluded in these 
manly and affectionate terms : — 

"As touching the threats in your conclusion, we have 
nothing to answer, only that we fear nothing but what 
God (who is as just as merciful) shall lay upon us ; all 
things being in his gracious disposal, and we may as well 
be preserved by him with small forces as by a great 
army; which makes us to wish you all happiness and 
prosperity, and recommend you to his protection. My 
lords, your thrice humble and affectionate servant and 
friend, P. Stuyvesai^t." 

Thus having thrown his gauntlet, the brave Peter stuck 
a pair of horse-pistols in his belt, girded an immense 
powder-horn on his side, — thrust his sound leg into a 
Hessian boot, and clapping his fierce little war-hat on the 
top of his head, — paraded up and down m front of hia 
house, determined to defend his beloved city to the last. 

While all these struggles and dissensions were prevail- 



504 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

ing in the unliappy city of New Amsterdam, and while its 
worthy but ill-starred governor was framing the above- 
quoted letter, the English commanders did not remain 
idle. They had agents secretly employed to foment the 
fears and clamors of the populace ; and moreover circu- 
lated far and wide, through the adjacent country, a proc- 
lamation, repeating the terms they had already held out 
in their summons to surrender, at the same time beguil- 
ing the simple Nederlanders with the most crafty and 
conciliating professions. They promised that every man 
who voluntarily submitted to the authority of his British 
Majesty should retain peaceful possession of his house, 
his vrouw, and his cabbage-garden. That he should be 
suffered to smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, wear as many 
breeches as he pleased, and import bricks, tiles, and 
stone jugs from Holland, instead of manufacturing them 
on the spot. That he should on no account be compelled 
to learn the English language, nor eat codfish on Satur- 
days, nor keep accounts in any other way than by casting 
them up on his fingers, and chalking them down upon the 
crown of his hat ; as is observed among the Dutch yeo- 
manry at the present day. That every man should be 
allowed quietly to inherit his father's hat, coat, shoe- 
buckles, pipe, and every other personal appendage ; and 
that no man should be obliged to conform to any im- 
provements, inventions, or any other modern innova- 
tions ; but, on the contrary, should be permitted to build 
his house, follow his trade, manage his farm, rear his 



CRAFTY PROMISES. 505 

hogs, and educate liis children, precisely as his ancestors 
had done before him from time immemorial. Finally, 
that he should have all the benefits of free trade, and 
should not be required to acknowledge any other saint in 
the calendar than St. Nicholas, who should thenceforward, 
as before, be considered the tutelar saint of the city. 

These terms, as may be supposed, appeared very satis- 
factory to the people, who had a great disposition to en- 
joy their property unmolested, and a most singular aver- 
sion to engage in a contest, where they could gain little 
more than honor and broken heads, — the first of which 
they held in philosophic indifference, the latter in utter 
detestation. By these insidious means, therefore, did the 
English succeed in alienating the confidence and affec- 
tions of the populace from their gallant old governor, 
whom they considered as obstinately bent upon running 
them into hideous misadventures ; and did not hesitate 
to speak their minds freely, and abuse him most heartily 
— behind his back. 

Like as a mighty grampus when assailed and buffeted 
by roaring waves and brawling surges, still keeps on an 
undeviating course, rising above the boisterous billows, 
spouting and blowing as he emerges, — so did the inflex- 
ible Peter pursue, unwavering, his determined career, 
and rise, contemptuous, above the clamors of the rabble. 

But when the British warriors found that he set their 
power at defiance, they dispatched recruiting officers to 
Jamaica, and Jericho, and Nineveh, and Quag, and Pat- 



506 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

chog, and all those towns on Long Island whicli had been 
subdued of yore by Stoffel Brinkerhoff; stirring up the 
progeny of Preserved Fish, and Determined Cock, and 
those other New-England squatters, to assail the city of 
New Amsterdam by land, while the hostile ships pre- 
pared for an assault by water. 

The streets of New Amsterdam now presented a scene 
of wild dismay and consternation. In vain did Peter 
Stuyvesant order the citizens to arm and assemble on 
the Battery. Blank terror reigned over the community. 
The whole party of Short Pipes in the course of a single 
night had changed into arrant old women — a metamor- 
phosis only to be paralleled by the prodigies recorded by 
Livy as having happened at Rome at the approach of 
Hannibal, when statues sweated in pure affright, goats 
were converted into sheep, and cocks, turning into hens, 
ran cackling about the street. 

Thus baffled in all attempts to put the city in a state 
of defence, blockaded from without, tormented from 
within, and menaced with a Yankee invasion, even the 
stiff-necked will of Peter Stuyvesant for once gave way, 
and in spite of his mighty heart, which swelled in his 
throat until it nearly choked him, he consented to a 
treaty of surrender. 

Words cannot express the transports of the populace, 
on receiving this intelligence ; had they obtained a con- 
quest over their enemies, they could not have indulged 
greater delight. The streets resounded with their con- 



THE UNSIGNED CAPITULATION. 507 

gratulations, — tliey extolled tlieir governor as the father 
and deliverer of liis country, — they crowded to liis house 
to testify their gratitude, and were ten times more noisy 
in their plaudits than when he returned, with victory 
perched upon his beaver, from the glorious capture of 
Fort Christina. But the indignant Peter shut his doors 
and windows, and took refuge in the innermost recesses 
of his mansion, that he might not hear the ignoble rejoic- 
ings of the rabble. 

Commissioners were now appointed on both sides, and 
a capitulation was speedily arranged ; all that was want- 
ing to ratify it was that it should be signed by the gover- 
nor. When the commissioners waited upon him for this 
purpose, they were received with grim and bitter cour- 
tesy. His warlike accoutrements were laid aside, — an old 
Indian night-gown was wrapped about his rugged limbs, 
a red night-cap overshadowed his frowning brow, an 
iron-gray beard of three days' growth gave additional 
gfimness to his visage. Thrice did he seize a worn-out 
stump of a pen, and essay to sign the loathsome paper, — 
thrice did he clinch his teeth, and make a horrible coun- 
tenance, as though a dose of rhubarb, senna, and ipeca- 
cuanha had been offered to his lips ; at length, dashing 
it from him, he seized his brass-hilted sword, and jerking 
it from the scabbard, swore by St. Nicholas, to sooner 
die than yield to any power under heaven. 

For two whole days did he persist in this magnani- 
mous resolution, during which his house was besieged 



508 HISTORY OF NEW TORE. 

by tlie rabble, and menaces and clamorous revilings ex- 
hausted to no purpose. And now another course was 
adopted to soothe, if possible, his mighty ire. A pro- 
cession was formed by the burgomasters and schepens, 
followed by the populace, to bear the capitulation in 
state to the governor's dwelling. They found the castle 
strongly barricadoed, and the old hero in full regimen- 
tals, with his cocked hat on his head, posted witn a blun- 
derbuss at the garret-window. 

There was something in this formidable position that 
struck even the ignoble vulgar with awe and admiration. 
The brawling multitude could not but reflect with self- 
abasement upon their own pusillanimous conduct, when 
they beheld their hardy but deserted old governor, thus 
faithful to his post, like a forlorn hope, and fully pre- 
pared to defend his ungrateful city to the last. These 
compunctions, however, were soon overwhelmed by the 
recurring tide of public apprehension. The populace 
arranged themselves before the house, taking off their 
hats with most respectful humility ; Burgomaster Koer- 
back, who was of that popular class of orators described 
by Sallust as being "talkative rather than eloquent," 
stepped forth and addressed the governor in a speech of 
three hours' length, detailing, in the most pathetic terms, 
the calamitous situation of the province, and urging him 
in a constant repetition of the same arguments and words 
to sign the capitulation. 

The mighty Peter eyed him from his garret-window in 



FORCED TO SURRENDER. 509 

» 

grim silence, — now and then his eye would glance over 
the surrounding rabble, and an indignant grin, like that 
of an angry mastiff, would mark his iron visage. But 
though a man of most undaunted mettle, — though he had 
a heart as big as an ox, and a head that would have set 
adamant to scorn, — yet after all he was a mere mortal. 
"Wearied out by these repeated oppositions, and this eter- 
nal haranguing, and perceiving that unless he complied, 
the inhabitants would follow their own inclination, or 
rather their fears, without waiting for his consent, or, 
what was still worse, the 'Yankees would have time to 
pour in their forces and claim a share in the conquest, 
he testily ordered them to hand up the paper. It was 
accordingly hoisted to him on the end of a pole ; and 
having scrawled his name at the bottom of it, he anathe- 
matized them all for a set of cowardly, mutinous, degen- 
erate poltroons, threw the capitulation at their heads, 
slammed down the window, and was heard stumping 
down-stairs with vehement indignation. The rabble in- 
continently took to their heels ; even the burgomasters 
were not slow in evacuating the premises, fearing lest the 
sturdy Peter might issue from his den, and greet them 
with some unwelcome testimonial of his displeasure. 

Within three hours after the surrender, a legion of 
British beef-fed warriors poured into New Amsterdam, 
taking possession of the fort and batteries. And now 
might be heard, from all quarters, the sound of hammers 
made by the old Dutch burghers, in nailing up their 



510 HISTORY OF NEW FORK. 

doors and windows, to protect their vrouws from these 
fierce barbarians, whom they contemplated in silent sul- 
lenness from the garret- windows as they paraded through 
the streets. 

Thus did Colonel Richard Nichols, the commander of 
the British forces, enter into quiet possession of the 
conquered realm as locum tenens for the Duke of York. 
The victory was attended with no other outrage than 
that of changing the name of the province and its metro- 
polis, which thenceforth were denominated New York, 
and so have continued to be (failed unto the present day. 
The inhabitants, according to treaty, were allowed to 
maintain quiet possession of their property ; but so in- 
veterately did they retain their abhorrence of the British 
nation, that in a private meeting of the leading citizens 
it was unanimously iletermined never to ask any of their 
conquerors to dinner. 

Note. — Modem historians assert that when the New Netherlands 
were thus overrun by the British, as Spain in ancient days by the Sara- 
cens, a resolute band refused to bend the neck to the invader. Led by 
one Garret Van Home, a valorous and srigantic Dutchman, they crossed 
the bay and buried themselves among the marshes and cabbage-gardens 
of Communipaw ; as did Pelayo and his followers among the mountains 
of Asturias. Here their descendants have remained ever since, keeping 
themselves apart, like seed-corn, to re-people the city with the genuine 
breed whenever it shall be effectually recovered from its intruders. It is 
said the genuine descendants of the Nederlandcrs who inhabit New 
York, still look with longing eyes to the green marshes of ancient Pavo- 
nia, as did the conquered Spaniards of yore to the stern mountains of 
Asturias, considering these the regions whence deliverance is to come. 



CHAPTEB XIL 

CONTAINING THE DIGNIFIED KETIREMENT, AND MORTAL SUKRENDER OP FETKB 
THE HEADSTRONG. 



HUS, then, have I concluded this great histori- 
cal enterprise ; but before I lay aside my weary 
pen, there yet remains to be performed one 
pious duty. If among the variety of readers who may 
peruse this book, there should haply be found any of 
those souls of true nobility, which glow with celestial 
fire as the history of the generous and the brave, they 
will doubtless be anxious to know the fate of the gallant 
Peter Stuyvesant. To gratify one such sterling heart of 
gold I would go more lengths than to instruct the cold- 
blooded curiosity of a whole fraternity of philosophers. 

No sooner had that high-mettled cavalier signed the 
articles of capitulation, than, determined not to witness 
the humiliation of his favorite city, he turned his back 
on its walls and made a growling retreat to his houwery, 
or country-seat, which was situated about two mUes off ; 
where he passed the remainder of his days in patriarchal 
retirement. There he enjoyed that tranquillity of mind 
which he had never known amid the distracting cares of 
government ; and tasted the sweets of absolute and un- 

511 



512 EI8T0BT OF NEW TORE. 

controlled authority, wliicli liis factious subjects had so 
often dashed with the bitterness of opposition. 

No persuasions could ever induce him to revisit the 
city; on the contrary, he would always have his great 
arm-chair placed with its back to the windows which 
looked in that direction, until a thick grove of trees 
planted by his own hand grew up and formed a screen 
that effectually excluded it from the prospect. He railed 
continually at the degenerate innovations and improve- 
ments introduced by the conquerors ; forbade a word of 
their detested language to be spoken in his family, — a 
prohibition readily obeyed, since none of the household 
could speak anything but Dutch, — and even ordered a 
fine avenue to be cut down in front of his house because 
it consisted of English cherry-trees. 

The same incessant vigilance, which blazed forth when 
he had a vast province under his care, now showed itself 
with equal vigor, though in narrower limits. He pa- 
trolled with unceasing watchfulness the boundaries of 
his little territory ; repelled every encroachment with 
intrepid promptness ; punished every vagrant depreda- 
tion upon his orchard or his farm-yard with inflexible 
severity; and conducted every stray hog or cow in tri- 
umph to the pound. But to the indigent neighbor, the 
friendless stranger, or the weary wanderer, his spacious 
doors were ever open, and his capacious fireplace, that 
emblem of his own warm and generous heart, had al- 
ways a corner to receive and cherish them. There was 



THE EX-OOVEBNOB. 513 

an exception to tliis, I must confess, in case tlie ill- 
starred applicant were an Englishman or a Yankee ; to 
wliom, though he might extend the hand of assistance, 
he could never be brought to yield the rites of hospital- 
ity. Nay, if peradventure some straggling merchant of 
the East should stop at his door, with his cart-load of 
tin ware or wooden bowls, the fiery Peter would issue 
forth like a giant from his castle, and make such a fu- 
rious clattering among his pots and kettles, that the 
vender of " notions " was fain to betake himself to in- 
stant flight. 

His suit of regimentals, worn threadbare by the brush, 
were carefully hung up in the state bed-chamber, and 
regularly aired the first fair day of every month ; and his 
cocked hat and trusty sword were suspended in grim re- 
pose over the parlor mantelpiece, forming supporters to 
a full-length portrait of the renowned Admiral Van 
Tromp. In his domestic empire he maintained strict 
discipline and a well-organized despotic government; 
but though his own will was the supreme law, yet the 
good of his subjects was his constant object. He 
watched over, not merely their immediate comforts, but 
their morals, and their ultimate welfare ; for he gave 
them abundance of excellent admonition, nor could any 
of them complain, that, when occasion required, he was 
by any means niggardly in bestowing wholesome cor- 
rection. 

The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical demon- 
33 



514 HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

strations of an overflowing heart and a thankful spirit, 
whicli are falling into sad disuse among my fellow-citi- 
zens, were faithfully observed in the mansion of Gover- 
nor Stuyvesant. New-Year was truly a day of open- 
handed liberality, of jocund revelry, and warm-hearted 
congratulation, when the bosom swelled with genial 
good-fellowship, and the plenteous table was attended 
with an unceremonious freedom, and honest broad- 
mouthed merriment, unknown in these days of degener- 
acy and refinement. Paas and Pinxter were scrupulous- 
ly observed throughout his dominions ; nor was the day 
of St. Nicholas suffered to pass by, without making pres- 
ents, hanging the stocking in the chimney, and comply- 
ing with all its other ceremonies. 

Once a year, on the first day of April, he used to array 
himself in full regimentals, being the anniversary of his 
triumphal entry into New Amsterdam, after the conquest 
of New Sweden. This was always a kind of saturnalia 
among the domestics, when they considered themselves 
at liberty, in some measure, to say and do what they 
pleased ; for on this day their master was always ob- 
served to unbend, and become exceeding pleasant and 
jocose, sending the old gray-headed negroes on April- 
fool's errands for pigeon's milk; not one of whom but 
allowed himself to be taken in, and humored his old mas- 
ter's jokes, as became a faithful and well-disciplined de- 
pendant. Thus did he reign, happily and peacefully on 
his own land — injuring no man — envying no man — mo- 



THE EX-GOVERNOR. 515 

Tested by no outward strifes — perplexed by no" internal 
commotions ; — and the mighty monarchs of the earth, 
who were vainly seeking to maintain peace, and promote 
the w-elfare of mankind, by war and desolation, would 
have done well to have made a voyage to the little island 
of Manna-hata, and learned a lesson in government from 
the domestic economy of Peter Stuyvesant. 

In process of time, however, the old governor, like all 
other children of mortality, began to exhibit evident 
tokens of decay. Like an aged oak, which, though it 
long has braved the fury of the elements, and still retains 
its gigantic proportions, begins to shake and groan with 
every blast — so was it with the gallant Peter ; for though 
he still bore the port and semblance of what he was in 
the days of his hardihood and chivalry, yet did age and 
infirmity begin to sap the vigor of his frame, — but his 
heart, that unconquerable citadel, still triumphed unsub- 
dued. With matchless avidity would he listen to every 
article of intelligence concerning the battles between the 
English and Dutch, — still would his pulse beat high 
whenever he heard of the victories of De Euyter, and his 
countenance lower, and his eyebrows knit, when fortune 
turned in favor of the English. At length, as on a certain 
day he had just smoked his fifth pipe, and was napping 
after dinner, in his arm-chair, conquering the whole Brit- 
ish nation in his dreams, he was suddenly aroused by a 
ringing of bells, rattling of drums, and roaring of cannon, 
that put all his blood in a ferment. But when he learnt 



516 BISTORT OF NEW TORE. 

that these rejoicings were in honor of a great victory ob- 
tained by the combined English and French fleets over 
the brave De Buyter, and the younger Van Tromp, it 
■went so much to his heart, that he took to his bed, and 
in less than three days was brought to death's door, by 
a violent cholera morbus! Even in this extremity he 
still displayed the unconquerable spirit of Peter the 
Headstrong ; holding out to the last gasp, with inflexible 
obstinacy, against a whole army of old women who were 
bent upon driving the enemy out of his bowels, in the 
true Dutch mode of defence, by inundation. 

While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of dissolu- 
tion, news was brought him that the brave De Ruyter 
had made good his retreat, with little loss, and meant 
once more to meet the enemy in battle. The closing eye 
of the old warrior kindled with martial fire at the words, 
— he partly raised himself in bed, — clinched his withered 
hand, as if he felt within his gripe that sword which 
waved in triumph before the walls of Fort Christina, and 
giving a grim smile of exultation, sank back upon his pil- 
low, and expired. 

Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, — a valiant soldier — a loyal 
subject — an upright governor, and an honest Dutchman, 
— who wanted only a few empires to desolate, to have 
been immortalized as a hero ! 

His funeral obsequies were celebrated with the utmost 
grandeur and solemnity. The town was perfectly emptied 
of its inhabitants, who crowded in throngs to pay the last 



THE EX-OOVERNOR 517 

sad honors to their good old governor. All his sterling 
qualities rushed in full tide upon their recollection, while 
the memory of his foibles and his faults had expired with 
him. The ancient burghers contended who should have 
the privilege of bearing the pall; the populace strove 
who should walk nearest to the bier ; and the melancholy 
procession was closed by a number of gray-headed ne- 
groes, who had wintered and summered in the household 
of their departed master for the greater part of a century. 

With sad and gloomy countenances, the multitude 
gathered round the grave. They dwelt with mournful 
hearts on the sturdy virtues, the signal services, and the 
gallant exploits of the brave old worthy. They recalled, 
with secret upbraidings, their own factious oppositions to 
his government ; and many an ancient burgher, whose 
phlegmatic features had never been known to relax, nor 
his eyes to moisten, was now observed to puff a pensive 
pipe, and the big drop to steal down his cheek, while he 
muttered, with affectionate accent, and melancholy shake 
of the head — "Well, den! — Hardkoppig Peter ben gone 
at last!" 

His remains were deposited in the family vault, under 
a chapel which he had piously erected on his estate, and 
dedicated to St. Nicholas, — and which stood on the iden- 
tical spot at present occupied by St. Mark's church, 
where his tombstone is still to be seen. His estate, or 
houivery, as it was called, has ever continued in the pos- 
session of his descendants, who, by the uniform integrity 



518 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

of their conduct, and their strict adherence to the cus- 
toms and manners that prevailed in the "good old times," 
have proved themselves worthy of their illustrious ances- 
tor. Many a time and oft has the farm been haunted at 
night by enterprising money-diggers, in quest of pots of 
gold, said to have been buried by the old governor, though 
I cannot learn that any of them have ever been enriched 
by their researches ; and who is there, among my native- 
born fellow-citizens, that does not remember when, in the 
mischievous days of his boyhood, he conceived it a great 
exploit to rob " Stuyvesant's orchard" on a holiday after- 
noon? 

At this stronghold of the family may still be seen cer- 
tain memorials of the immortal Peter. His full-length 
portrait frowns in martial terrors from the parlor-wall ; 
his cocked hat and sword still hang up in the best bed- 
room; his brimstone-colored breeches were for a long 
while suspended in the hall, until some years since they 
occasioned a dispute between a new-married couple ; and 
his silver-mounted wooden leg is still treasured up in the 
store-room, as an invaluable relique. 




CHAPTEB Xm. 

THE author's reflections upon what has been said. 

MONG the numerous events, wliicli are eacli in 
their turn the most direful and melancholy of 
all possible occurrences, in your interesting and 
authentic history, there is none that occasions such deep 
and heart-rending grief as the decline and fall of your 
renowned and mighty empires. Where is the reader who 
can contemplate without emotion the disastrous events 
by which the great dynasties of the world have been ex- 
tinguished? While wandering, in imagination, among 
the gigantic ruins of states and empires, and marking the 
tremendous convulsions that wrought their overthrow, 
the bosom of the melancholy inquirer swells with sympa- 
thy commensurate to the surrounding desolation. King- 
doms, principalities, and powers, have each had their 
rise, their progress, and their downfall, — each in its turn 
has swayed a potent sceptre, — each has returned to its 
primeval nothingness. And thus did it fare with the em- 
pire of their High Mightinesses, at the Manhatt'oes, under 
the peaceful reign of Walter the Doubter, the fretful 
reign of William the Testy, and the chivalric reign of 
Peter the Headstrong, 

519 



520 HI8T0BT OF NEW YORK. 

Its history is fruitful of instruction, and worthy of 
being pondered over attentively, for it is by thus raking 
among the ashes of departed greatness, that the sparks 
of true knowledge are to be found, and the lamp of wis- 
dom illuminated. Let then the reign of Walter the 
Doubter warn against yielding to that sleek, contented 
security, and that overweening fondness for comfort and 
repose, which are produced by a state of prosperity and 
peace. These tend to unnerve a nation ; to destroy its 
pride of character ; to render it patient of insult ; deaf to 
the calls of honor and of justice ; and cause it to cling to 
peace, like the sluggard to his pillow, at the expense of 
every valuable duty and consideration. Such supineness 
insures the very evil from which it shrinks. One right 
yielded up produces the usurpation of a second ; one en- 
croachment passively suffered makes way for another ; 
and the nation which thus, through a doting love of 
peace, has sacrificed honor and interest, will at length 
have to fight for existence. 

Let the disastrous reign of "William the Testy serve as 
a salutary warning against that fitful, feverish mode of 
legislation, which acts without system ; depends on shifts 
and projects, and trusts to lucky contingencies. Which 
hesitates, and wavers, and at length decides with the 
rashness of ignorance and imbecility. Which stoops ^or 
popularity by courting the prejudices and flattering the 
arrogance, rather than commanding the respect of the 
rabble. Which seeks safety in a multitude of counsel- 



MORAL REFLECTIONS. 521 

lors, and distracts itself by a variety of contradictory 
schemes and opinions. Which mistakes procrastination 
for wariness — hurry for decision — parsimony for econ- 
omy — bustle for business — and vaporing for valor. 
Which is violent in council, sanguine in expectation, pre- 
cipitate in action, and feeble in execution. Which un- 
dertakes enterprises without forethought, enters upon 
them without preparation, conducts them without en- 
ergy, and ends them in confusion and defeat. 

Let the reign of the good Stuyvesant show the effects 
of vigor and decision even when destitute of cool judg- 
ment, and surrounded by perplexities. Let it show how 
frankness, probity, and high-souled courage will com- 
mand respect, and secure honor, even where success is 
unattainable. But at the same time, let it caution against 
a too ready reliance on the good faith of others, and a 
too honest confidence in the loving professions of power- 
ful neighbors, who are most friendly when they most 
mean to betray. Let it teach a judicious attention to the 
opinions and wishes of the many, who, in times of peril, 
must be soothed and led, or apprehension will overpower 
the deference to authority. 

Let the empty wordiness of his factious subjects ; their 
intemperate harangues ; their violent " resolutions ; " 
their hectorings against an absent enemy, and their pu- 
sillanimity on his approach, teach iis to distriist and de- 
spise those clamorous patriots whose courage dwells but 
in the tongue. Let them serve as a lesson to repress 



522 HISTOBY OF NEW TORE. 

that insolence of speech, destitute of real force, which 
too often breaks forth in popular bodies, and bespeaks 
the vanity rather than the spirit of a nation. Let them, 
caution us against vaunting too much of our own power 
and prowess, and reviling a noble enemy. True gal- 
lantry of soul would always lead us to treat a foe with 
courtesy and proud punctilio ; a contrary conduct but 
takes from the merit of victory, and renders defeat 
doubly disgraceful. 

But I cease to dwell on the stores of excellent exam- 
ples to be drawn from the ancient chronicles of the Man- 
hattoes. He who reads attentively will discover the 
threads of gold which run throughout the web of history, 
and are invisible to the dull eye of ignorance. But, be- 
fore I conclude, let me point out a solemn warning, fur- 
nished in the subtle chain of events by which the capture 
of Fort Casimir has produced the present convulsions of 
our globe. 

Attend then, gentle reader, to this plain deduction, 
which, if thou art a king, an emperor, or other powerful 
potentate, I advise thee to treasure up in thy heart, — 
though little expectation have I that my work shall fall 
into such hands, for well I know the care of crafty minis- 
ters, to keep all grave and edifying books of the kind out 
of the way of unhappy monarchs — lest peradventure they 
should read them and learn wisdom. 

By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Casimir, then, did 
the crafty Swedes enjoy a transient triumph j but drew 



MORAL REFLECTIONS. 523 

upon their heads the vengeance of Peter Stuyvesant, who 
wrested all New Sweden from their hands. By the con- 
quest of New Sweden, Peter Stuyvesant aroused the 
claims of Lord Baltimore, who appealed to the Cabinet 
of Great Britain ; who subdued the whole province of 
New Netherlands. By this great achievement the whole 
extent of North America, from Nova Scotia to the Flori- 
das, was rendered one entire dependency upon the Brit- 
ish crown. — But mark the consequence : the hitherto 
scattered colonies being thus consolidated, and having no 
rival colonies to check or keep them in awe, waxed great 
and powerful, and finally becoming too strong for the 
mother-country, were enabled to shake off its bonds, and 
by a glorious revolution became an independent empire. 
But the chain of effect stopped not here : the successful 
revolution in America produced the sanguinary revolu- 
tion in France ; which produced the puissant Bonaparte ; 
who produced the French despotism ; which has thrown 
the whole world in confusion ! Thus have these great 
powers been successively punished for their ill-starred 
conquests ; and thus, as I asserted, have all the present 
convulsions, revolutions, and disasters that overwhelm 
mankind, originated in the capture of the little Fort Casi- 
mir, as recorded in this eventful history. 
• And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad farewell, — 
which, alas ! must be forever, — willingly would I part in 
cordial fellowship, and bespeak thy kind-hearted remem- 
brance. That I have not written a better history of the 



524 mSTORT OF NEW TORE. 

days of tlie patriarchs is not my fault ; had any other 
person written one as good, I should not have attempted 
it at all. That many will hereafter spring up and surpass 
me in excellence, I have very little doubt, and still less 
care ; well knowing that, when the great Christovallo Co- 
lon (who is vulgarly called Columbus) had once stood 
his egg upon its end, every one at table could stand his 
up a thousand times more dexterously. Should any 
reader find matter of offence in this history, I should 
heartily grieve, though I would on no account question 
his penetration by telling him he was mistaken — his 
good-nature by telling him he was captious — or his pure 
conscience by telling him he was startled at a shadow. 
Surely when so ingenious in finding offence where none 
was intended, it were a thousand pities he should not be 
suffered to enjoy the benefit of his discovery. 

I have too high an opinion of the understanding of my 
fellow-citizens to think of yielding them instruction, and 
I covet too much their good-will, to forfeit it by giving 
them good advice. I am none of those cynics who de- 
spise the world, because it despises them : on the con- 
trary, though but low in its regard, I look up to it with 
the most perfect good-nature, and my only sorrow is, 
that it does not prove itself more worthy of the un- 
bounded love I bear it. If, however, in this my historic 
production — the scanty fruit of a long and laborious life — 
I liave failed to gratify the dainty palate of the age, I can 
only la,ment my misfortune — for it is too late in the sea- 



FAREWELL. 525 

son for me even to hope to repair it. Already has with- 
ering age showered his sterile snows upon my brow ; in 
a little while, and this genial warmth which still lingers 
around my heart, and throbs — worthy reader — throbs 
kindly towards thyself, will be chilled forever. Haply 
this frail compound of dust, which while alive may have 
given birth to naught but unprofitable weeds, may form 
a humble sod of the valley, whence may spring many a 
sweet wild flower, to adorn my beloved island of Manna- 
hatal 



H 9v 



i u 




^^^v 



^^9^ 






<^. 




.0, 






>P-^<^. 


















^°-n^. 







^ 



' o 

^^*.» > 



^C^* '^ "^ 















°'^M.' 



O M O - .0 






1> 



<<^^ ° " ° * <^>. 



c 



A 






o . o - ,0 



.^ "-^. ^ 



^ 



V 



- 0' 






A'' "Ov - ?i /"•>'JJJ':''N /- « <:.^ iC". o ^W i'-l 






g" "Si 













^oV" 



°f 





















^°-^^. 






;> 



.^^ 






,..0- ^,U V "^* -.^- ^ °"° >^° 









c^ 











.^' 



".% 



0' 



'J?--. ° ^ 



